Should I stay friends or forget about him completely?

[Anon333]

Hi, I have written on here in the past month about a man I met in August. I knew him through a mutual friend, and one night he had come through my home town (he lives 7 hours away) and we had this instant attraction and chemistry, I was tipsy and took him home and we had fun. I still really liked him but knew he had JUST gotten out of a serious relationship AND lived 7 hours away. SO we exchanged phone numbers and kind of left it at "Give me a call when you are in my town". I really didnt think I would hear from him again, but he really stood out in my mind and I really hoped I would.

 

A month later he was down in my neck of the woods again, we hooked up, and then I was up in his area for a week. I should make it clear that we did not JUST hook up. He was very affectionate with me the whole time we were together and we did some things during the day. We couldnt keep our hands off each other and I never felt this way about a man. When I would leave, he left things open not really making plans to see me again, and I would hear from him every week or so saying he was thinking of me. I probably saw him and hung out with him 5 amazing times within the time we hung out. But he was always distant about saying how he feels about me. I kind of knew he didnt want anything serious as he just got out of a long term relationship.

 

My feelings have grown for him throughout these months. I miss him when I dont hear from him and I long to be with him. I held back on asking him what this was we were doing. I went on this forum and asked people's opinions and they all said it sounded like he was using me for sex and a rebound which really broke my heart. I didnt want to ask him because I didnt want things to end. Another important thing to add, is I was moving to his town in a couple months.

 

Okay, that is a recap of what has been going on. A week before xmas i finally had the balls to ask him what he was thinking and what we were doing. I did it through text as I was too chicken to ask to his face or even call. He responded with a long text, saying he really enjoys the time we spend, I have so many qualities he really likes, he thinks I am gorgeous, he is just not ready for a relationship at the moment, as his recent relationship has left him emotionally crippled, and his current career and lifestyle was also much of what caused the breakup. He said he didnt want to drag anyone into it and he is so sorry and hope I dont hate him. He said he really hopes to stay in touch and be friends, and hopes we can have a real talk about it in the future when I move up there.

 

UGH! So here I stand. I told him I do not hate him and of course I would be his friend and thank you for being honest with me. I told him he needs his space and so do I right now. I want so bad to just get over this because I am so hurt and really feel like I was falling in love. I was fully aware of the circumstances when I was getting with him, so I am just as much at fault for letting myself get hurt this way. I want to believe there is a possible future for us when he is healed, or I am less emotional, but I told him I cant wait around for that. I just dont know how sincere he is being and if I should try to be his friend or see him again, as I know if we are in the same room we will want to tear each others clothes off, and I cannot hurt myself anymore than I have. I want to build a friendship with him if it is possible, but I am so emotional and feel in love with him Im not sure I can do it....Sorry this is so long. If I cannot be his friend, I feel I will be cutting off the possibility of something working out. But if I am his friend I can end up hurting myself more. I just want to be strong here. Any insight or suggestions.?

[PetiteGirl]

It's impossible to be friends with someone you have feelings for, especially if it gives you false hope. A relationship built based on only infatuations and lust will not have much of a foundation to begin with.

[skyhop333]

I tried the friendship thing myself, but to no avail. In my case the same excuses existed, only to find out that the reason for his unavailable emotions was because they existed for another and that was not going to change. This was many years ago in my life, but a lesson I will not forget for the rest of it.

 

Be wary of a friendship. Not because of the things he may do, but the damage you may allow yourself to be open to because of your emotions. He sound's like he is emotionally unavailable and is only looking for parts of a relationship to tie him over until he has what he want's to obtain. I know that probably hurts in some sense, but being with him your taking a serious chance of being broken by him.

 

I would say, before you execute a current friendship with him, try to give yourself space to remove the emotional tie. Build up your own emotional army. If you could not bear to be rejected by him, take the time to prepare yourself first before you continue. It's better off in the long run to expect the worst case scenario and prepare yourself for it, than to open yourself up to be crushed.

 

Go ahead and move on with your life. If he truly want's more, then when he realizes that you are moving on he might be inclined to do something about his own emotional unavailability. Don't do it just for that reason though. Take care of your own happiness first. It seems that you are already on the right path to that. I know you worry about cutting things off because of the possibility of having something more and I understand this. But in reality, his healing could be reasons that would cut you in two. What if he still want's his ex back or some past relationship or the one that got away?

 

I would go limited contact for awhile to let your feelings adjust. It's not complete no contact but, it gives you space to observe his reactions as well as evolve your need for emotional control. If something is meant to come out of this, you chasing him wont be the deciding factor as he seems to have made it clear that he is not chasing you. He has excuses as to his being aloof, so chasing him will only amplify that. Heal yourself and be nonchalant. If he want's something more, he should be the one to follow.

[Anon333]

Skyhop, Thank you for those clear rational words of wisdom, and yes, Petite girl I agree being friends with someone you have feelings for is not going to work unless it was possibly going to lead to something, or, like skyhop said, I take time to get over some of those overwhelming emotions I have for him and gain my confidence back.. I will be moving to his city, but that also means there will be new men around me. It is infatuation and lust, but it is also me seeing we have a lot of things in common and similar sense of humor. He tried to explain how much he loved my sense of humor too. SO I do think there is something there besides that wild sexy chemestry, but that was probably the main thing that is what keeps him staying in touch with me and not wanting to let go, even if he doesnt want a relationship, and also what has made me so into him. I never was into sex that much before him. He opened a whole new door and it would be sad to walk away from that. But I really need to get my confidence back and be okay with losing him, if he is okay with losing me.....