Hannah13 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Hey all- Its been a long while since ive needed to post, but im going thru a very tough time and need major advice ASAP A little backstory- my ex and i dated from Nov. 2010 until June 2012. Very unhealthy relationship. He has severe issues ranging from his family to alcohol. He is what i believe to be an alcoholic like his dad, as well as a frequent drug user, which is ultimately why we broke up. I gave him an ultimatum, and he refused to change his lifestyle for me. We are both in our mid 20s, and it was time for me to think about my future. He wanted to marry me, i obviously did not want to, given the circumstances. We parted ways in June, but remained 'friendly'. I thought maybe he would change...but alas, did not. This past Oct, i started seeing someone. Basically he and i fell for each other VERY fast. The problem is that this guy and my ex know each other. Never were friends though. Its been a huge issue for my ex and mutual friends have told me about how my ex is basically becoming a crazy person. Ive always know that he has mental issues(bipolar, suicidal, etc) but i never thought that something like this would go this far. My ex has been spreading rumors about me, posting things like that i am a sl*t and wh*re on every social media site. (He usually does not use my name, but i have still saved and recorded all these things just in case.)Usually he will go on a rant on these sites for about 3 hours then stop. Sometimes he will delete the things he says, sometimes not. To be honest, a lot of people are worried he may do something, but i was told by a friend who is in law enforcement that i pretty much cant do anything as of right now. Its a pretty horrible situation. I talked to him a couple weeks ago. He basically blackmailed me and tried to get me to break up with my current bf. He said he would tell some very personal secrets of mine. One of which would destroy my family as well as another family. Its horrible. I really dont know what to do at this point. My current boyfriend and brother saw these posts that my ex has been posting and both are furious and want to talk to him, but im afraid of him following thru on the blackmail. Any advice? I dont really want to talk to him myself. It will upset my bf and i dont want my ex to get the satisfaction of thinking i still care about him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Is there any way you can "defuse" the blackmail, possibly by telling these secrets yourself to the people he is threatening to tell? Obviously that doesn't solve the problem long-term, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah13 Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 Is there any way you can "defuse" the blackmail, possibly by telling these secrets yourself to the people he is threatening to tell? Obviously that doesn't solve the problem long-term, though. I have thought of that, but unfortunately the secret involves other people who have wanted to keep the situation private. The only reason my ex knows about the situation, is because i got blacked out drunk at a party and he asked me about it. He had read something while snooping thru my work laptop, and wanted to know more about it but i would never tell...until i was intoxicated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leftme Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 & this is why my ex should be very grateful that I just walked away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Just don't pay attention to him. He just wants attention. If you ever notice him make any threats on social sites. Print it and take it to local police station and file for restraining order. You should also contact social site admins to get his account closed if he makes threats. You have rights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pucktie215 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Is slimey of this guy to do this to you. He wants power over you. You need to go no contact. Ignore all things. You responding to him feeds his ego. There is no other way. If he talks, that's out of your hands. Is this sexual abuse we are talking about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah13 Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 I am perfectly fine going NC- i just hate that all this stuff is up about me. But usually he only says "My last gf is a wh*re" or "That chick..." its usually not my name. He said it before but in the context he said it, i couldnt do anything about it. My real concern is my current bf, brother, family...etc. They are just furious about all this stuff. My mom said he contacted her to wish her a merry christmas yesterday, and now hes back to doing this? Im trying to tell everyone to just let it go, dont say anything...and maybe he will stop. I esp dont want them getting arrested or something. I WOULD NOT put it past my ex to make something up about them, or worse, get them arrested. I can just see him saying they assaulted him or something. He is 26 years old and tells people that my current bf 'bullies' him. My current guy is younger than both of us, it just baffles me that my ex looks for attention like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm sorry you're in this situation, but this is one of the many reasons being friends with an ex seldom works out. At this point, your silence will speak the loudest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I am sorry that you are going through this. He is responsible for his actions and statements. But in the future, please do not fall into the trap that you can "fix" a damaged man through the power of love. You knew enough of his history early on and yet still selected him. The problem with bad news like him is that you can never get them to exit your life once you have invited them in. Live and learn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 What you need to do is tell your family he is acting like a crazy lunatic and lying and saying horrible things about you to try to get you to break up with your current BF. You just tell them once, and to please do NOT respond to anything he sends them and to ignore him. then let the chips fall where they may. The professional advice given for how to deal with stalkers is to ignore, ignore, ignore and NEVER have any contact with them because it feeds their fire. Do not engage with him, do not respond to him, and tell your family and friends to do the same. he will usually eventually go away if he gets no reaction from you. if he does threaten you in any way physically, then you need to go to the police. Save any evidence that he may be getting violent. But most likely he is just vindictive and trying to get your attention, and so you can't give him any attention at all or he'll never go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Another vote here for Lavenderdove's advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I think you need to think about whether or not you want to tell this secret or if you want your ex to. If he is as crazy as you say, it seems that the secret is going to come out regardless. I know it sucks to be in that situation, but I think you really need to consider sitting down with the person who wishes to remain anonymous and decide what you want to do. And I also agree with no contact all the way. DO NOT even acknowledge him. You may think by talking to him helps the situation, but it just keeps his foot in the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah13 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. I havent talked to the ex is a few weeks, and now im reassured that is the right decision. I guess i do have to reevaluate the secret ive been keeping, Its terrifying but now is something i might have to tell. I have to admit, i will b e relieved that he wont have anythinng to hold over me afterwards. Its causing me a great deal of anxiety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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