AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 9, 2013 Author Share Posted March 9, 2013 Dear Journal, The dreams come even during the day now whilst i nap. I got so little sleep last night, the boyfriends sister had a bit of a party. I have to say they were heaps better than last time which was nice. But i'm a light sleeper so i couldn't sleep much. Then up just before 5 for work, (day one of at least 6 maybe seven! Gonna be a long week.) So when i got home i had a nap, woke up in a cold sweat. I don't really know where these dreams are coming from, i just know they're dreadful and get worse with age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 Dear Journal, I can barely sleep again. I'm falling apart. I'm such a mess. I'm trying so hard to make sure everyone around me doesn't notice. But it is so hard. I wish i never had to leave my bed. I wish i could lay here and waste away. I wish i never had to see anyone. I'm just a broken person. Yeah, you all think i'm just being a drama queen. I don't blame you. Reading on i'd probably think the same. Some "woe is me" young adult, thinking that her life is the worst. I know it isn't okay. I know i am so lucky in so many ways. I know that. But i can't help it. Every damn day, its a struggle of being a distant person, of trying not to cut myself, or scratch my skin til it bleeds, or starve myself, or binge/purge, or simply eat the whole house. People think once the sudden onset is gone you're okay. I was 11 years old when i first purged. I'll be 22 soon. Thats 11 years. And still i slip. If you've never been here then you have no idea what it is like, and it doesn't just go away. Every damn day. I almost want to go back on my antidepressants. On my sleeping bills. On my anti anxiety pills. I'm numb when i'm on them. I'm not me. I'm just numb. Numb is better than this. Numb i can deal with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 11, 2013 Author Share Posted March 11, 2013 Dear Journal, Holy hell, what did i sign up for exactly?! Today was the craziest day i have EVER experienced. No one can say that the ENs do nothing - especially not the lovely lady i was paired with. We had about 4 medication disputes we had to discuss with our head office. We had 4 people on neuro observations. Plus it was the first time i'd ever done medications that way. It was just crazy. I think i'm screwed when i have to to that alone!! Why nursing? Why didn't i just love something else. Something a little less ice and death - but noooo, i decided it was a great idea to be in charge of head wounds that could cause death, of taking observations that will show us if someone is going down hill, giving out medications that could have serious side effects if i make a mistake. Talk about high stress! But i have to say - it was the best day i've had in a long time. I'm legally a nurse, and employed as a nurse, and will one day (hopefully) be a pretty good nurse. For now, i'm just going to be double and triple checking everything. I only had 20 residents today, i'm screwed - my next shift i have 40!! Someone save me haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Dear Journal, My second and only other buddy shift tomorrow. In the dreaded hostel. Someone save meeee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 Dear Journal, I'm in so much pain I hate my stupid body. The only things that help cost me too much money. Although to be honest i'm pretty sure my actual spine is causing a lot of pain as well. My neck is just agony. I need to see my massage therapist. Realistically, i need to see a physiotherapist. I just don't know. I'm still seeing the accident in my mind every now and then. Every time i drive through the intersection or drive past his workplace. My massage therapist works in his clinic. I don't really want to go in there. I think going in there, it would make the fact that his life was taken that day even more real. I know i don't really have the right to be upset over this but i am. He was a good man. And i saw him. And his life was gone. But i need to go back, because my necks been so sore and stiff i can barely turn my head to look when i'm driving. Its even starting to stop me from being able to sleep. It really is horrible. Working in our dementia unit tomorrow - first time i've ever worked there. Been at my facility for over a year and can count the amount of times on one hand that i've even stepped inside the unit. Only 7 residents though. And i have a really nice lady on with me tomorrow. She's great and will tell me what to do i'm sure Just listened to 'Jar of hearts' by Christina Perri, It reminds me so much of someone i know. Its like he had this crazy power over me. He'd break my heart, then come back, then leave again. For so long i believed that one day, he'd realise we were meant to be together. He was always so kind to me, even though he was so cruel to everyone else. I'd tell the people who knew him the sweet things he said and they couldn't believe it came from him. I haven't seen him in years. Now he is back and we're going to catch up. I love my boyfriend, i'm not afraid i'll fall for this guy again, i'm afraid i'll crave his friendship. He is probably the only person i ever trusted completely. I think right now, if i fell into the trap of trusting him and he left again, well i don't think i'll cope. I don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 16, 2013 Author Share Posted March 16, 2013 Dear Journal, I miss having a friend i could trust. Someone i could talk too. I know i have friends i can talk with, but no best friends. No one i really trust. No one i can tell all the gory details too. I miss that. So much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I miss being cared for. I miss knowing there was always someone to worry about me, and mostly someone to care about me. I miss my nana. I miss being loved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Dear Journal, I dyed my hair, stupid box colour didn't work and made it lighter. Getting it cut tomorrow. Will redye it again next week. Gotta lose 3 kilos before going away camping so i fit into my shorts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Dear Journal, I dyed my hair, stupid box colour didn't work and made it lighter. Getting it cut tomorrow. Will redye it again next week. Gotta lose 3 kilos before going away camping so i fit into my shorts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Toby Lightman - Everyday Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say And what I should keep to myself And the words that manage to leave my lips Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else So I find myself in need of a pause I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because Of this desire to be what others want me to be Which is nothing close to me But I'll see better when the smoke clears When the smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming Doesn't repeat everything I've said And all that remains me and who I am At the end of the day and this happens everyday Everyday is a battle between what I wanna know And what I don't wanna figure out And everything in between in these thoughts of mine That you know I can't live without So I find myself in need of a pause I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because Of this desire to be what others want me to be Which is nothing close to me But I'll see better when the smoke clears When the smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming Doesn't repeat everything I've said All that remains me and who I am At the end of the day and this happens everyday But I'll see better when the smoke clears When the smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming Doesn't repeat everything I've said All that remains me and who I am At the end of the day and this happens everyday This happens everyday and this happens everyday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Dear Journal, Going to try and see the hair dresser today. Try and get my hair cut nicely. I miss looking decent. I want to look nice again. I feel like i got so caught up in being broke that i let that rule my life. I don't need to buy new clothes every week to look nice. I've really let myself fall back into the way i always used to be. Instead of the person i've become. I've let myself go. And i don't want to feel so unattractive that i won't go into the local shops because i don't want to run into anyone i know. I don't want to have to drive to a further away store just for one thing. When i look after myself, i don't need to be a made up doll. I just need to look presentable again. Nicely dressed. Nice hair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zulnex Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Dear Journal, I miss having a friend i could trust. Someone i could talk too. I know i have friends i can talk with, but no best friends. No one i really trust. No one i can tell all the gory details too. I miss that. So much. I feel exactly the same way. I know it is very hard to keep all these stirring emotions inside. Oh...the agony and sadness of not having a best friend. Someone who really cares about how we feel...someone who is patient enough to listen to our fears and worries...someone who is not afraid to offer a shoulder to cry on. We must remember to try and keep strong. However, I know that even the toughest walls around our hearts can be so easily penetrated by these emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Thanks for your comment Zulnex, it is hard. But i guess i just have to focus on the fact that i do have a lot of good people in my life. And for that i am truly grateful. I'm sure you have some good people in yours too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Dear Journal, Well, my hairs all chopped off! Well not "all" but a lot of it was anyway. Its probably half the length that it was - and its still considered "long hair" haha. But its so nice and soft again and healthy looking, and i love the cut, although i think next time i'll ever go a bit shorter. Now it sits like an inch below my collar bone. It used to sit around my waist. Gonna dye it purple tomorrow. Not bright purple. Really dark brown/tinge of purple. I've had it that colour before and liked it, so fingers crossed i like it now too. I feel so much nicer when my hair is done nice, and my skins looking better cuz i haven't had sugar in a while, and i feel healthier because i've been eating healthier. I've been eating so much protein. Lots of protein and as little carbs/sugar as possible. Lots of natural foods, heaps of veges and fruit and white meat and eggs. But i am still in a lot of pain. I think i need to see a doctor, it can't be right, being in pain every damn day. My entire body hurts. I hope the pain eases soon. I can't really exercise, because when i do my knees swell and lock up and hurt, my ankles twinge and swell, too much pressure and my wrists do the same. Swimming is supposed to be low impact and even that hurts my elbow joints. I finally feel good enough to exercise - i want to run, but the pain is too much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Dear Journal, I have a doctor appointment on Monday. I think i may have Fibromyalgia. It would explain the pain all the time and the exact pain points are the ones i've mentioned, neck, shoulder, knee, hip, elbow. It would be amazing just to know this isn't all in my mind. That the pain is because of something real. A diagnosis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Before After I'm not very photogenic, but i love my hair I don't really care if others don't. I feel so much better about myself already. I loved my hair bright red, but it was so hard to maintain and always ended up orange. At least this shouldn't fade badly. You can't really see because its too dark, but in the light it tinges violet, such a pretty colour. I wish it would stay looking so bright! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I really like your new hair. Looks great, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Thanks LW, you just made today a little better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Dear journal, Well never ask a question that you don't want the answer too. I asked my boyfriend if the after photo was an okay photo. He fell silent completely and then said really slowly, 'well it's not bad...' I probably should have asked that before I posted it on the internet. Ah well. I guess it's not like I'm here to impress anybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avman Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Love the new hair. Very nice to see pictures of you after all this time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 You are beautiful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zulnex Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I love your new hair as well. Looks gorgeous! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Wow, thank you It was so lovely to come on here - where I didn't really expect any comments and have 3 lovely ones waiting for me. I am officially in the best mood now. A few kind comments really mean the world to me. So thanks again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Dear Journal, Sometimes I feel like I'm too different to ever be understood. I feel like everyone around me, still, after years, do not truly know nor understand me. I feel sometimes to, like an empty shell, cracking and falling apart. I am so much happier than I've ever been before. Well let me rephrase, I've got so much more in my life than I've ever had before. So much to be grateful for - and I truly am. Not many people have the luxury of loving their job, of having a fantastic boyfriend who's family treat me as one of their own, of having a small but close family, of having a few true friends who I truly believe will be beside me on all the important occasions and share the joys and woes of this life. People looking from the outside in would be so thrilled. And I am. I appreciate everything I have, and all the lovely people who make my life so so much better than it ever was. But still, I feel like this depression won't ever leave me. I'm sitting in my boyfriends house looking at the pretty view and watching the dogs, which should make me happy, but instead I'm still depressed. I have no reason to be but here I am. It's like it never truly leaves me. The panic attacks, the insomnia followed by the over sleeping, the depression, it doesn't fade. I'm doing everything I can to be healthy in my body and my mind and still I am unhappy. I have to admit, I wonder if this is it for me. Does anyone ever truly recover from depression? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Dear Journal, It's the unkind truth to say it, but it is simple, the more attractive you are the better you get treated. Anyone who has never been overweight or unattractive will never know how it feels. But those who've had dramatic changes in personal appearance will understand. I've not lost close to the amount of weight I'd like to lose, but I have lost a few kilos now. Having a smaller waist and styled hair and nice clothes on, it seems to ensure you get treated far kinder. For weeks I've been able to go to the shops, and have no one speak to me or look twice at me. Today I go, I get two young guys selling some car cleaning product, clean a part of my car for nothing, and had NO pressure to buy a thing, I got lots of smiles and light chatter and jokes from people walking past, I got offered help in the supermarket. It's really sad the amount of emphasis is put on attraction. I mean I'm not saying I look attractive now, I guess maybe I just appear to fit into what society deems acceptable for conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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