HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 So....my ex and I broke up in February. Very quickly afterward, his friends removed me from FB. They deleted me. Some of these people Id known since college, and prior to meeting and being with my ex (they're how I met him)----they remained loyal to him, even though I had established friendships of speaking on the phone, txting, hanging out when my ex wasnt around etc. My friends, on the otherhand....had no established relationship with my ex other than they spent time with him when he was around. They never had plans to hang out with him on their own, nor did they phone, txt or otherwise have a friendship. My friends have NOT deleted him. At first, I thought in time they would, on their own. They didnt. I pointed it out to them and they said they would, but never did. One finally did but then RE-FRIENDED him just this past weekend. Im being called out asking what it matters as its a 'virtual' world----and my response has been asking why he is so important that his feelings matter, and mine do not. Asking why they dont understand they loyalty as friends (my freinds have had splits, and the moment it happened, I deleted their ex...out of courtesy and loyalty to my friend) the only time I woudlnt do that, is if I was friends with the ex prior to their dating my friend....then both remain my friend---plain and simple. These people are supposed to be my core group, my support, MY friends....and yet he now gets to keep them too? He was HORRIBLE to me and im also upset that they would WANT him as a friend, after how he treated me and how he is as a human being (recap----I was going though cancer screening and he stopped speaking to me....then broke up with me just after I found out I needed surgery)....he was also mentally and emotionally abusive. Would you keep a friends ex on FB.....am I wrong in how I feel? Are my friends just not real friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 It's Facebook. It does not matter. People hold onto FB friends because your friend count is Very Important. It has nothing to do with any actual friendship. Have you considered deleting your own account altogether? Then you wouldn't have to worry about any of this nonsense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 It's facebook. Some people don't take it serious. Just another website. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 I actually adore FB as it keeps me in contact with my family around the world, and friends from around the world----so deleting my account isnt really an option. Im at the point, where I might delete my offending friends....they can have him but will lose me---their choice. I understand its just FB, but if it didnt exist----my ex would have gone into the woodwork never to be seen or heard from again----but it goes up my a$$ when I see him like or comment on my friends stuff of them on his. It leaves me feeling that they want him around, want him as a friend, that he is important----and has me feeling like I have no loyalty with those Im close with. His friends knew enough to delete me----so why does he get my friends too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I think you feel entitled to dictate who can remain friends with who on Facebook. As you're clearly seeing, you're not. I understand that it's frustrating to you out of a general sense of loyalty, but I think you're trying to make this mean something that it doesn't. Up to you to decide if this is a hill worth dying on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 If my friends had known him prior to our dating----no issue. Had my friends established a friendship with him outside of when I brought him around (hanging out, chatting, otherwise being friends like they met on their own)---no issue. My issue----they dont seem to care about how this makes me feel....and that to me, is being a bad friend. They would rather keep him and upset me...giving him importance. I just cant comprehend why someone would want to remain in touch or friends on FB with someone who so seriously damaged one of their close friends. I could never do that to my friends-----and that is why I feel that they dont understand loyalty. Maybe they are just bad friends. Its interesting that they would be fine losing a friend of 10+ years over an ex that they tell me doesnt mean anything to them (yet they are concerned with how he would feel being deleted) His friends get it----they're loyal to him....as are my friends. I lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 One of the folks on my fb friend list is going through a break up. After she announced it (on fb) she sent a message to everyone on her friend list asking them to un-friend her ex. I understand this is a Major Event for her. She had been with this guy for over 5 years, they'd lived together for a while, there was talk of marriage and so on. I get that it's a life-shattering/life-changing thing for her. What she doesn't seem to understand (and what I think you're maybe missing, too) is that it's not that big a deal to me....and it's probably not all that big a deal for a good portion of the people on her fb friend list -- no matter how she met them or how long she's known them. I didn't have any interaction with her ex outside of when I saw them with a couple. Other than his name, what he did for a living, and a few other basic things, I didn't know squat about him. He really doesn't post much on fb...it's not bothering anything in my world for him to be there. Removing him because *she* broke up with him isn't real high on my priority list when I'm going through my own Crap I Have To Deal With, too....and everyone is going through their own Crap They Have To Deal With all the time. Human nature is to think that the Crap You Have To Deal With is more important than what others are going through. Being realistic means you realize the Crap You Have To Deal With probably isn't that important to others around you, and really not that important in the larger scheme of things. I like to remind myself of that when I'm in the middle of a crisis. Helps me keep things in perspective....anyway..... She is in her late 20s, but the way she's using fb during this break-up is very childish. In a year or two, I have no doubt she'll regret some of the things she's airing in public now. It's one thing to vent here when you're (relatively) anonymous...but on fb...where people who actually know you, went to school with you, or work(ed) with you? Whole different story. Yes, and there's another point. I think it's fairly common these days for (potential) employers to look (potential) employees up online. I would be *mortified* if an employer had as deep a look into my personal affairs as she's posting on a daily basis. Frankly, I think you're giving fb far more significance/importantance/power than it should have. You wanna know who your REAL friends are? fb is not going to tell you. Next time you've gotten yourself into some bad situation and need actual, real help (not just a "{{{{{hugs}}}}}" on a monitor screen) - see who steps up to help in a way that requires time & effort. That'll give you a more accurate answer than fb ever could about who your friends are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom1990 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This frustrated me, too. One of my best friends remained FB-friends with my ex. My ex unfriended my family, but not the best friend. (And I try real hard not to read too much into it.) After a while, I told my friend that it made me feel uncomfortable. He told me that my ex is free to un-friend him whenever she wants, but until then, it shouldn't matter. He's right. It shouldn't matter. I feel bad for asking him to unfriend her. But I asked him anyway. He unfriended her, then said "You need to not question my loyalty to you, Tom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 If it bothers you. Just start blocking friends who are friends with ex on Facebook. unnecessary stress to deal with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Funny you mention that last part.... My ex got his new GF pregnant....my friends have offered to help him get his crappy house he cant fix up in time in order....they have offered to send him stuff for the baby....liked and commented on things he has posted about his new relationship and the baby. they barely noticed when I DIDNT have cancer....they didnt show up for my birthday...they didnt really help me out this summer when I was unemployed (yes in the span of a month I was dumped, had to put my new kitten down 5 weeks after getting him, had surgery for possible cancer and lost my job) My friends barely checked in with me-----but they seem to happily and readily check in and interact with him on FB. So that effort you speak of---they dont do that for me. They leave me on my own. They also made huge efforts to get to know my ex.....they have made minimal efforts to get to know my new guy.....despite many invitations and offers on my part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 My ex REFUSED to un-friend any of my freinds....I asked him to when we were having the break up conversation-----he refused! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 These arent just friends----this is my best friend.....another that Ive been close to since I was 15 (so 17 years)....another close friend for 7 years.....these arent just casual friends---they're my CORE group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Sounds like you either have bad friends or there's more to the story than you're telling us. You do seem pretty embittered towards your social group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 There really isnt more to the story.....my ex moved onto another relatioships within DAYS of us breaking up and she was pregnant within 4 months. He was wretched to me....and my friends knew this----and agreed we should break up-----but now they interact with him, and want him as a friend----to me thats MESSED up. I thought these were people I could trust....people that were MY friends...that would stand up for me, stand behind me....support me..... But that isnt true. They rarely look to get together, or make plans. They dont show up to the things that are important to me (like say my birthday....nor offer an alternate time to get together if they couldnt make the night I was going out) They have made minimal effort to get to know my current BF (where they would scramble at the chance to have plans with my ex and myself) I show up to their important events....rarely do I say no or cant show. I invite them to do things or get together often ( though rarely hear a yes from them and thus rarely plans are made) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 These arent just friends----this is my best friend.....another that Ive been close to since I was 15 (so 17 years)....another close friend for 7 years.....these arent just casual friends---they're my CORE group. Yet they're not behaving like you believe friends should behave. You cannot make them behave like you want them to behave/think they should behave. The only thing we have 100% control over in this life is our own thoughts, beliefs, attitudes & actions. From that perspective, here's your basic options: Change your beliefs - either about friendship in general, or the role of these specific people in your present-day life....or, perhaps, both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 You're taking this way too seriously. Its a website. I unfriended my ex and all her friends that I met while dating her, because I wanted her out of my mind. But my friends are still friends with her. It doesn't bother me, if she wants to stay in touch with them, I don't care. What happens with her is out of my control, I trust my friends with the ability to message her if they want, if she wants to see a picture of me through them, I don't care. And I don't see why you do care so much. You're placing so much value on facebook, you guys broke up so long ago. Your friends are your friends when you interact in person. You are giving that website way too much power to assume that your physical friends aren't loyal because they haven't taken the effort to delete a contact. Its your breakup, not theirs, its probably too insignificant for them to bother taking the time to delete him. That should mean he is not important to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 I really thought for the first time in my life I had solid friends.....people I could count on (Ive spent most of my life friend-less) I guess I was wrong. Im just so tired of always starting over again and finding new people to be friends....until the next transition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Well then that is your issue, not the facebook. If you really feel like they are not good friends, then time to make new ones. You can't control them, by allowing yourself to get upset won't make them better friends. Put as much effort into others as they put into you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm afraid I still don't get it. These are your core group of friends that you've known for years--and yet they no longer seem interested in hanging out with you or your new boyfriend, but they're jumping at the chance to help out your ex. That just doesn't make sense. Again, either they're not very good friends or there's more to the story. You're the common denominator throughout all of this. Is it possible your perception is skewed due to your feelings towards the ex? Is it possible all of your friends' opinions of you changed sometime during or after the break up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 We broke up almost 10 months ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 I know it doesnt make any sense----its why Im pretty bent about it all. Nothing more to the story....I dont think its skewed when its publicly posted about their offers for help, or looking for an address to send items for the baby.... I dont think its skewed when they publicly chat about how they can help him and when. Unsure how or why my friends opinions would have changed, unless he has somehow poisoned them with his thoughts about me and they have believed him (he is a master manipulator) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm even more confused now. First you say these are your friends who you've known for years--some going back to teenage time. But then you say for the first time in your life, you thought you had real friends, as though the norm was not having any. And that you don't want to have to start all over again like you always do. I suspect this is at heart of this issue rather than FB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I really thought for the first time in my life I had solid friends.....people I could count on (Ive spent most of my life friend-less) I guess I was wrong. Im just so tired of always starting over again and finding new people to be friends....until the next transition. I really think you need to just chill. You keep mentioning these expectations of your friends. They haven't done anything wrong, you just have expectations that friendship involved different things. You don't know the whole story, they might have reasons for acting the way they do. You don't have to not be their friends, just realize that people have other commitments, people drift, and act differently than you, because they aren't you. I think everyone should make new friends all the time, thats exciting, but from the sounds of things you're dependent on your core friends, take this upon yourself as an experience to get stronger. Find happiness in yourself through meeting new people. Don't lean on a crutch of friends, because maybe thats placing pressure on them to pull from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 I grew up friendless...and it took until my mid 20s to really feel that I had a core group of friends. They expected me to delete people they dated when they broke up----which I happily did, as I understood that their break up was very hurful to them and they needed all space free from their ex. Interesting they asked me to do this for them, yet they cant do so for me. I make new friends all the time----Im very involved in many different activities where I go in alone (I dont join with friends) specifically for this reason. The people I meet generally are random friends, not ones I become really close with (as typically they already have a best friend or others they're close with) I do much on my own, so I dont lean on friends as a crutch. But on weekends yeah I ask them to do fun things---they just generally dont respond, or say no----and RARELY ask me to join them for anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm sorry I interpreted it wrong. Unfortunately, some people aren't as good of friends as you are, and while its supposed to be give and take, people can be selfish. Don't take it personally, you will find better friends if thats what you want. But personally, I wouldn't make a deal about this with them. Like they still are your friends, nothing will take that away, but maybe its just not that level of friendship you want or need. There are others out there that can do that job, but you won't be able to make these friends change. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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