Really Made The Wrong Move :(

[shackazu]

I'm sorry, i really do want to know your advice. I just want to know how you think NC will work given the different countries. Look, at the moment I am taking your advice (and thanks so much for sticking with me!)--I'm just curious is all.

 

...i don't even plan to say merry christmas unless she does first

 

you;re right though, i could always go visit in the summer after like 6 more months of having been apart and see how things go then. there's no rush

[bish0p2004]

As someone has already said, NC is not a technique for you to get your ex back...it's a technique to get over them.

 

And no, you are not over her so this is why you need to use NC.

 

It does not matter if you or your ex are on different planets...NC is for YOU and YOU alone.

[Shane Falco]

NC is the same whether you are next door to your ex or on different planets. NC is primarily to make yourself better, be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. It's to allow you the space to make yourself a better person instead of being stuck in a cycle of neediness and self-loathing like you are. It's not to get your ex back, though if you do it right it can help you do just that. But you will not get your ex back via NC if that's your primary reason for going NC.

 

People have said this to you throughout. You just refuse to listen. You just want people to tell you what you want to hear. You want to overanalyze and make up scenarios in your head.

 

Guess what -- your case is not unique. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO TO CHANGE HER MIND. IT IS UP TO HER. YOU CAN NOT TRICK HER, which is what you seem to be trying to do. You are trying to manipulate her feelings to make them what you want them to be. STOP!!!! Work on you and only you. Do not manipulate her, do not be her lapdog, do not be there at her beck and call. Another thing NC does is that it prevents you from mindf--king yourself every time you see something from her or interact with her. Because that prevents you from evolving and improving. And do not plan to see her in six months. Just let things happen and stop trying to control everything.

 

Honestly, I don't know what else to say to you at this point. You don't really listen at all and you just want validation for your approach, which is the cliche approach that we all do at the beginning that fails 99 percent of the time.

[shackazu]

And I am still following your advice, I am still NC since I made it clear that I want to be with her and she didn't want that. But this post makes me think differently:

 

...

 

If I go NC for a long period, get over her, then reach out again somewhere down the line hypothetically (or maybe I don't because I find someone else who makes me forget about her), how am I not being exactly what this poster is railing against? I broke up with her, I broke her trust, I didn't have faith in us, I was scared of long distance, and then when I went running back we just ended up being not technically together, in a quasi-relationship land, because I was still too scared to commit, I just knew I didn't want to lose her. I'm sure that hurt enormously. Of course she doesn't trust me, why should she?

 

I don't want to manipulate her, I don't want validation for an approach that consists of constantly begging her to get back together--I know that won't work. I just want a well reasoned, thoughtful explanation of why limited contact, or just casual friendly contact doesn't work in cases of long distance, because that does change things in my view--you aren't in the same city for her to see how you have changed, or hear about you from your friends, and it's not the same as moving into the friend zone, because you aren't going to be hanging out together in a non-romantic way. And being separated by different continents and falling completely out of touch just doesn't seem like it's going to lend itself to getting back together...

 

And before you tell me that NC is for me, and to not continue to get hurt, let me give you my position. As far as growing and changing as a person, yes, I need to do those things. But I'm not interested in building my own wall to stop from getting hurt--that was part of the problem that contributed to this in the first place, I was afraid of giving her the commitment she wanted because I didn't want to get hurt. And sooner or later, to progress forward, we have to let ourselves be a little bit vulnerable. Should I care about my own happiness and well being? Of course. But that doesn't mean I have to walk through life being too afraid of getting hurt to actually take the steps and put myself out there that's necessary to get what I want.