Really Made The Wrong Move :(

[shackazu]

I think I played things completely wrong. After our breakup (long distance breakup) she was definitely not moved on from me, we spoke pretty regularly, she told me that she missed me, wasn't moved on, that i was the only person outside of her family she had ever been so close to, and she still wanted me to visit her in her city during her winter break from college.

 

What I should have done probably is just roll with it--reply when she initiated contact, show her how I have changed and how I still cared (the breakup was mainly my fault--she was incredibly in love with me and wanted long term commitment, whereas I was scared by going long-distance and of uncertainty over the future. She felt that I was torn about being with her, and that she shouldn't be with someone who didn't love her the way she deserved, even though what she wanted was for me to love her), keep open the lines of communication, but not pressure her.

 

Instead, I tried to get back too soon -- just two months later, not long enough for me to do the personal growing I needed to, and still long distance at that, instead of waiting to go see her and have the conversation in person. Initially, she seemed like she was thinking about it, then replied with a message that seemed very forced (like she was trying to convince herself of her decision) that she didn't want to get back together. Later we skyped about the message, and she was totally different in person, and seemed like she still had a lot of conflicting feelings, and that she was also just trying not to lead me on while she was unsure. I feel like I pushed her into a corner and made her defensive of her decision by having this conversation, instead of just being chilled out, letting her miss me, and showing up in person for her to see how different I have become.

 

The positive is that she knows now that I really do love her and want something long term I guess. But the skype sesh ended with me telling her that I couldn't be her friend--to a very pained reaction from her upon hearing that. I took her off my facebook to stop myself from facebook stalking, and we haven't really spoken since. Two weeks to the day of having not spoken, she used a postcard that I had sent a while ago (and know she received much sooner) as an excuse to message me, however now I think the chance to go visit her is probably blown (sucks because I had already bought tickets) and I don't know if this has made her try to move on more seriously or not? ...

 

It seems like I did things in reverse. I should have disappeared more right after the breakup, then maybe started reinitiating contact around now with an eye on still visiting in January.

[El0t]

If you really want to be with her, explain. If she reciprocates your feelings then she will understand. If she's moved on, you can't blame her and you should do the same.

[shackazu]

nobody?

 

the problem is that we are on two different continents, and we don't come from different cities, so i'm really regretting following the NC advice I saw all over this forum. Yes, I tried to have a get back together conversation too soon, but at least before we were still talking to each other pretty frequently, and even casually/gently teasing/flirting sometimes. She even told me she could tell how much I was changing by our messages, but that she couldn't tell if it was for real until she saw me in person...which was going to happen in january. But now, we aren't even really speaking anymore. So I blew this new image of maturity by telling her I couldn't be and didn't want to be just a friend, (when she was probably using this as an excuse to herself to justify her continued feelings for and contact with me) and now it seems like I took a big step back, because she hasn't even responded to my facebook friend request and last message from about a week ago.

 

i think NC is bull****, especially when it was my inability to commit and her feeling like i didn't love her that drove her away. I get NC if the dumper is in the wrong, but i'm so mad at myself for both trying to get back together, then telling her that i was going to take some space after our skype chat. How in the world is not talking to me supposed to help preserve her feelings for me and show her that i really do love her and that another shot at things would be different????

[JustinStanfill]

Talk to her! if u love her, do everything in your power to get her back while there is still a chance. I lost the love of my life and trust me, i would do anything to have done more to get her back dont make the same mistake that i did!

[sharky988]

If you really want to be with her, explain. If she reciprocates your feelings then she will understand. If she's moved on, you can't blame her and you should do the same.

 

 

I thought this was good advice.

 

If you don't feel you've done all you can, let her know you still want to get back together and offer to visit next month since you have the tickets already. What do you have to lose at this point?

 

To me, it sounds like she's already told you she doesn't want to get back together though. You've told her you won't settle for just being friends and that the alternative is no more contact..... and it sounds like she's chosen no more contact.

 

However, YOU know her and the situation better than anyone -- if you feel it's worth making one last try, why not do it?

 

In terms of the timing -- in hindsight it probably would've been better if you had gone NC from the start and given her some space to sort out her feelings then. But imo IF she really wanted to be with you, the timing wouldn't be as important as her just knowing you want to reconcile.

 

Also, there's nothing "mature" about agreeing to be platonic friends with someone you clearly want to be in a romantic relationship with. It's actually pretty manipulative and disrespectful to the other person to pretend otherwise, imo. Sure it's harder to be honest and take a stand for the kind of relationship you REALLY want to have.... but in the end I always feel it's better to be honest with people you care about.

[PH88]

No contact is not used as a means to get her back. It is a step towards letting the wave of emotions die down, to let it all settle and to allow the negative aspects of the relationship/breakup dissipate with time. It allows you time and space to heal back to an emotionally stable state of mind.

 

You didn't "blow" this new image of maturity by stating to her you can't be friends with her, that actually shows that you have the maturity to display that you still have romantic feelings for her. And honestly, based on her reaction, maybe that is all she wants at this point in time. Once you said that, she backed off a bit. How often have you tried to contact her? Like people have stated lay it out there for her, and if she's not willing to escalate the relationship you gotta move on.

[shackazu]

I tried to have that let's get back together conversation at the end of october (around 1.5 months into breakup) and she was on the fence, told me some things that seemed like positive indications as well as others that seemed more negative. she told me that she didn't think 2 months was enough time to really have changed (she was probably right about this, i should have taken longer to continue focusing on myself and growing).

 

unfortunately, i think it just made her more defensive of the breakup, because like 2 weeks later she sent a cold sounding message about how she just saw me as a friend, but then when we skyped about it, she seemed more herself, much more genuine and caring, but still didn't want to get back together--although she wasn't willing to tell me she had fully moved on and it seemed like she still had strong feelings for me and was also convincing herself that it was better for her to not be with me (kind of head vs. heart, mirrored the things she said in breakup "i have always known what i felt for you and what i want, but i'm sorry, it's now what's best for me right now, so i need to do this.")

 

I just think things might have been different if i had waited, had 4 months of self-development, and then had the conversation IN PERSON, which is always different, also during her break between semesters, so away from all her stress and pressure, and where she could see first hand the ways I have changed/will have changed.

 

I don't know if there is still an option from here now...

[sharky988]

No. She's told you she sees you only as a friend. She's told you she wants to break up.

 

The only option you have is to respect her wishes and go NC and hope that with time and space she'll reconsider.

 

YOU also need the time and space to get out of "desperation mode" and start looking at this situation in a more calm and realistic way. Right now you're grabbing on so tight and trying to blame yourself and anyone and anything for what happened..... you need to LET GO and stop trying to control this thing!

 

ACCEPT what she's telling you. There's NOTHING you can do right now. The more you push her to give you answers, the more you try and think of new ways to change her mind, the more you push her away.

 

Now it's time to focus on YOU and YOUR life and your own healing. Focus on improving yourself and try to stop thinking about her and fixing the relationship for now. Go NC and give her time and space to miss you.

 

You're going to be fine -- but you really need to walk away for now!

[shackazu]

Thanks for that, I think you're right. I did do things in reverse and screwed up at the beginning, but I do really need to be able to let go now. The hardest part for me is thinking about her with other guys. She isn't really the kind of girl to hook up with people randomly, but she is still in a college environment, and I do know that she hooked up with someone. She told me that she was trying to get over me, but that it didn't work, that she hated him because he wasn't me, and acknowledged that he was a rebound and that it doesn't work that way to get over someone.

 

But anyway, I guess something that is keeping me from letting go is feeling like if I am able to let go, then she definitely has, and that means she might be hooking up with other guys now and maybe not thinking the same things like with the first one. It's tough to think about.

 

She also betrayed real looks of anguish and her voice started quaking when on Skype I told her that not only could I not be friends with her now, but that I didn't really want to be friends with her in the future, because it's not the future I want with her, even if I have let her go and moved on. She told me that she misses me, and I know that she does. But then again, maybe this isn't really a good sign, because she clearly feels the loss of me, yet is still sticking with her decision.

[sharky988]

But anyway, I guess something that is keeping me from letting go is feeling like if I am able to let go, then she definitely has, and that means she might be hooking up with other guys now and maybe not thinking the same things like with the first one.

 

 

Your thinking and her actions are completely unrelated.

 

Your letting go has NOTHING to do with her, her thoughts or feelings, or anything that's going to happen or not happen in the future.

 

This is your mind's way of trying to convince you that YOU and YOUR thoughts can somehow control the outcome of this situation, but you can't! She's going to do what she wants, when she wants to, and whether you let go or not isn't going to affect that one way or the other.

 

Please read through other threads here and you'll see your ex's behavior is typical. The anguish, the sadness, the confusion, the missing you, the wanting to be friends...... it's all typical. Unless and until she tells you that she's changed her mind and wants to get back together, you'd be wise to ignore all future contact and walk away with your dignity intact.

 

Let yourself heal and let her face what it's like not having you there in her life anymore.

 

Just my take -- and fyi MY ex is with someone else right now, so I really do understand how awful it is to imagine them with someone else.

 

Keep posting and reading through threads here -- it really helps to gain perspective and support from others who've been there!

[shackazu]

Thanks for the advice, it definitely is helpful. I just feel torn between two paths--she broke up with me essentially because she thought I was torn about being with her. That I wasn't really in love with her the way she was with me, and because I was so hesitant about doing long distance. (We had left each other with me actually having broken up with her, then about three weeks later we got back together, but it was a "quasi-relationship" thing, even though neither of us were with going to be with others). Then she told me that she couldn't do that and wanted to end things for good.

 

So I'm in this weird position of being a dumper and dumpee, and even though in our last conversation she said that she is moving on, and that this summer she saw a guy she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with (and yes, I made mistakes, and have growing and maturing to do, and I am determined to do those things), she broke up with me being very much in love with me. I know these months haven't been easy for her either. So part of me wants to really seriously fight for her, prove I love her, prove I am willing to commit to her. But part of me wants to take what she has said seriously, that she doesn't want to get back together with me, that she is moving on, and give her space for her to come back on her own.

[Shane Falco]

Listen to the woman. There might be a time in the future where fighting for it works. Now is not that time. Don't try and guess at what she wants from you. You need to give her a chance to heal and you need to give yourself a chance to heal. Then, if the situation arises again with her, you have a better shot at being successful. Of course, you can heal to the point where you meet someone else and don't even want a shot at this last one, and that's OK too.

[shackazu]

So then, a second question. I know that she still cares about me enormously, and that it would hurt her a lot if I were to really just disappear and never talk to her again for a year or whatever. And I don't really need to go utter NC for myself. I have been doing a lot of meditating and journaling, and I feel like I am able to "let go with love." I do want her to be happy--I was at the point where I was stuck on the "but I want her to be happy with me," but now I honestly wouldn't want her to be with me but be unhappy, or be hurting in the way she said she was when she was with me. And I wish that I could be there for her during this semester/senior year, which I know is really tough and stressful for her. Of course, I told her I couldn't be her friend, and she understood, but her face betrayed real pain at that.

 

I haven't talked to her in a month, except replying "you're welcome" to a message she sent thanking me for a postcard I had sent her a while back (I know that she got the postcard way before she sent the thank you message, the message was sent two weeks to the day from the last time we had talked before that). Then I re-friended her on facebook, because she had requested that, and honestly it doesn't matter to me or interfere with my healing--I just unsubscribed from all her updates, and I haven't been to her profile page and don't want to. She waited exactly one week to accept the friend request.

 

So I was thinking of sending her an email with a link to one of my favorite guided meditations on December 19th (the day one year ago when we went on our first date), saying "hey, i know the semester has been stressful, and I just thought I would pass this along to you. I really enjoy it." As a way to sort of show her I'm serious about changing and have actually been working on myself too. But I don't care if I get a reply back or whatever, and it's not me trying to desperately be friends... It's sort of like dropping my own breadcrumb maybe. I don't know, what do you think?

[Shane Falco]

I think that's a really horrible idea. Being her emotional crutch isn't going to help you out a bit, unless you really have no interest in her. And by reading your previous posts, I know that's not the case. You really need to stop thinking about what she wants and you really need to work on yourself.

[shackazu]

But I have no desire to cause this girl pain or hurt. Especially because the reason she broke up with me is that she felt I didn't reciprocate her feelings for her (and something else that REALLY hurt her). I want to be fair to myself of course, but I also know that the breakup is my fault. On a beach in Africa this summer, we were talking to a local artist, and after a while of conversation, he asked, "so is this headed for marriage, or is it just play?" And we both kind of laughed it off, but later she told me that it hurt her so much, because she knew that I wouldn't have answered "for marriage," and that she loved me so much and wanted to be with someone who would have answered that he was that serious about her. And then she told me she felt like I was torn over her, and then upon leaving Africa it was ME who essentially broke up (even though three weeks later I kinda half went back, but was still too scared to commit for true long distance, and we ended up in a quasi relationship thing.)

 

I get it when the dumper is in the wrong. But in this case I am half dumper, and ENTIRELY in the wrong. I took her for granted. I wasn't ready to commit in the way she wanted. It's really entirely my fault--she felt like I was torn about being with her.

[Shane Falco]

a) it's very rarely ever one person's fault. When there's cheating involved it is, but it's not all your fault. Right now you have her on a pedestal, which is normal, but faulty. There was some reason why you balked at being serious and if you don't step back and figure out what the reason is, you are just going to fall back in that pattern. Stop being lazy and just saying it was simply because "you took her for granted." You took her for granted for a reason. Step back, reset everything and then proceed after a while.

 

b) would you rather "not hurt her" whatever that means, or would you rather have a better chance to get her back. Being her friend will not get her back. It's giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. If you want to be her friend, then fine, be her friend. No worries. But if you want to be her man, being her lap dog will not give you a shot at this. I would have thought you'd have learned this by now, but you seem to be really stubborn about it.

 

She needs time. You need time. You not being available isn't hurting her, it's enabling her. But whatever, keep doing what you want and keep getting stuck in the same place.

[shackazu]

I hear you, I really do. And I'm not going to be her friend. I know it won't help get her back, and it would be too painful. But, and I really don't want to say the details, suffice it to say that I am completely capable of being objective and reflective, and no, in this case, she isn't just on a pedestal, it REALLY is my fault. I betrayed her and hurt her in a way I can't even believe (it wasn't cheating, but it had to be just as emotionally damaging). She sincerely doesn't think I loved her when we were together. She thinks I was torn about her, that I felt she wasn't the right girl for me, and she told me post breakup that she wanted me to love her completely when we were together, and that it breaks her heart that I didn't, and that she could have been so happy and so sad simultaneously with me.

 

If you still don't think this changes anything, then ok, I'll take your advice. But to me, it really seems like somehow I need to prove the extent to which I really am in love with her.

[Shane Falco]

Stop thinking. It does you no good. And you potentially being completely at fault (still don't buy it, though I will buy that it was mostly your fault) makes it more imperative that you hang back. You coming at her constantly saying that you've changed and that you are ready isn't something that she'll buy. Change takes time and reflection and there's no way she believes that you all of a sudden have changed. In fact, the concept of you changing that quickly is potentially insulting to her.

 

So stop overthinking, stop fighting and fade back, work on yourself and let her work on herself. You keep slamming your head against a brick wall and then wondering why you have a headache.

[shackazu]

i am working on myself, and i am getting better day by day, not there there aren't some days that are harder than others. sometimes i feel very fully than i have let her go with love; then there are (infrequent, but still there) times when i am angry, and feel angry at her for having hooked up with someone else (even if she stopped because she "hated that he wasn't me"), and wish that i could hate her so that i would stop hurting, and think that things might be better had we never met, but that never lasts long, because i do really love her and want her to be happy.

 

anyway, it's a rollercoaster sometimes. but i'm not driving myself crazy anymore like i was a month ago. and you're right, i don't plan on sending another message. if she sends me a christmas greeting i'll reply, but that's it.

 

the only thing still nagging at me though, is my worry that she will interpret my withdrawal and refusal to be friends as a sign that i never really loved her that much. from her point of view, could it not look something like, "well, he must not love me very much if he is willing to just walk out of my life like that--clearly he hasn't changed because he isn't willing to put what i need first, isn't willing to love me even though it's difficult, isn't willing to fight for me." ?? what if that's what she thinks from all this??

[Shane Falco]

I highly doubt that's what she'll think. You are basically mindf--king yourself again when you come up with silly scenarios like that. You are doing that to justify your chase and your desire to contact her. Nothing about how she's responded to what you've attempted thus far justifies that train of thought. And if for whatever reason she does think that (highly unlikely), it's more of an incrimination on her for being selfish than you. Do you really want a person who willing wants you to go through pain just to get an ego boost?

[shackazu]

the conversation we had in late october, where the more she talked to me it seemed the more she let down her guard kind of sent those signals. she said things like, "i can tell that you are changing, you clearly care about me in a way you didn't before. every time we talk i am a bit impressed because you wouldn't have talked that way before. i know exactly how i want you to treat me, i'm just honestly honestly not sure if you will. you seem so much more mature now, but i can't know if it's for real until i see you"

[Shane Falco]

the conversation we had in late october, where the more she talked to me it seemed the more she let down her guard kind of sent those signals. she said things like, "i can tell that you are changing, you clearly care about me in a way you didn't before. every time we talk i am a bit impressed because you wouldn't have talked that way before. i know exactly how i want you to treat me, i'm just honestly honestly not sure if you will. you seem so much more mature now, but i can't know if it's for real until i see you"

 

STOP OVERANALYZING! If she wants to see you and see your changes SHE'LL COME AND SEE YOU. Stop trying to find the hidden messages in the decoder ring.

[sharky988]

Please please please listen to the advice you've been given here!

[shackazu]

but you guys don't seem to be thinking about this from the perspective of WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. We went to college together yeah, but now I am in Europe, and she is still at school in the US, (though she is from Europe and I am from the US).

 

So all this NC advice seems to me like it will go nowhere. she can;t just come and see me. we won't just run into each other. if we have contact, it will just be long distance talking. how are we ever going to have a chance to get back together if we do NC and just drift farther and farther apart? am i supposed to just hop on a plane and show up at her door one day after months of not talking and say, hey! let's get coffee!???

 

At least before we talked quite frequently, we joked, she teased me playfully, and we were starting to talk more and more and i was scheduled to still go visit her. Yeah she said "as a friend," but come on, who invites their ex to come stay with them for a week as just a friend a few months after breaking up? that was my best hope for getting back together, and now it's gone. this just seems like a much worse situation.

[Shane Falco]

Whatever, just do what you want dude. You already have it in your mind what you want to do. Just go for it since you apparently have the answers I guess. No point trying to help someone who doesn't listen. And if you were so confident about this trip, then why are you starting threads talking about how you screwed up? Now you are just getting defensive.

 

I hope things work out for you.