How do I stop being angry?

[goodkarmakitty]

My mother died from cancer when I was 8 leaving my angry, obsessively religious father to raise me and my brother. My father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to all of us. He never accepted me for who I was and he severely sheltered me from the real world. At 15 I started to rebel, smoked some pot, tried cigarettes, had sex, etc. because I'd been repressed for so long and could no longer deal with the way he treated me. I continued to rebel, crying out for attention, love, and support.

 

Right around the time I turned 17 my father met and prepared to marry his fourth wife and decided that I was too much of a hassle to take care of anymore. He came down to my room one day, handed me a twenty dollar bill, and told me to pack whatever I could and be gone before the end of the day. Being so sheltered and unloved I was totally unprepared for the world out there.

 

I had to leave school without graduating and ran off to the closest city (we lived in a fairly small town) and did the only thing I knew to do, got a job and kept that job. I was so emotionally damaged that I quickly became the victim of abusive boyfriends, drug and alcohol abuse, and homelessness. I felt empty, hurt, totally rejected, unloved, and scared most of the time. I let people and a lot of men rape, abuse, and use me and I continued on this destructive path for another 4 years because I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to. And the one person who was supposed to love me didn't; at least not unconditionally.

 

I'm doing very well these days. I've worked my butt off to make my life better, to deal with the hurt, and to learn to love myself. But I'm still angry at my father. And I know that I probably made some bad decisions, but I did these things because I hurt so bad and I hurt so bad because of him so I still blame him for the horrible things I had to see and experience as a child, a teen, and an adult. I'm still so angry that when I needed my father the very most he sent me away. I want so badly to forgive him so I don't have to carry around this weight. I don't like being angry, I think it's a waste of time and energy, but I can't seem to shake this. I don't necessarily want a relationship with him, but I just need/want to forgive him and get rid of my anger. How do I stop being so angry? How do I forgive him?

[twizod]

I would say try and go to counselling first and make sure you get an outside opinion that you are ready for it. Next, try to heal to the point you need it to move on with your life. Then try and write down what you want from this meeting and what you want to talk about. Go and find him and discuss these points if possible and prepare for the worst/hope for the best. Do not try and look into this meeting anymore than closure and resolution to forgive his selfishness.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, your story is heart-breaking, I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you and how the person responsible for your well being failed to see everything beyond his "happiness".

 

How can you forgive?, just think that your father probably didn't know what he was doing, I don't really think he realized what your life was going to be like, I don't think he ever stopped to wonder what was going to happen to you, sure, he wanted to live "his life", he was abusive but some people are very selfish and can't see themselves in other's shoes, they want to ignore other's pain, other's lives, it's just them, and that's a very sad and terrible thing, imagine how bad and how empty your father is if he did those horrible things to you.

 

You know it wasn't right, you know your life was difficult because of his weaknesses, but you are starting to recover from that, ask God for help and your heart will heal.

Best Wishes.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I understand how you are feeling. I too had issues with my father. I went to see a therapist who helped me sort them out---and finally forgive him.

 

Maybe your father was overwhelmed when he found himself alone and with children to raise. Having to work to keep a house running and caring for small children is no easy task. I'm not excusing his behavior, maybe he just didn't know how to do it any other way. There is no excuse for the abuse you suffered and I am in awe of you because you have managed to get yourself out of that hole you were in. You are a strong woman with lot's of determination. My hat is off to you.

 

I do recommend you see a counselor. He/she may help you to find some way to forgive him and it will be good for you and for your father too. I think that when we are able to forgive those who have hurt us deeply we bring more blessings to ourselves.

[Francis]

FORGIVENESS IS OVERRATED

 

There is no obligation, moral, legal or religious, to forgive. If you ask any minister or priest or rabbi who has completed a Ph. D. in Theology or equivalent, a fairly competent theologian (not a neighbourhood priest) you will find out that forgiveness is not mandatory in any Judeo-Christian religion.

 

Moreover, there are two types of sins: sins against God and sins against others. God can forgive you sins against Him, but not even God, according to Judeo-Christian theology, has the capacity to forgive you a sin you have committed against others. The other person has to forgive, only if she wishes to do so, but is not obliged to forgive.

 

The reason is very simple : forgiveness is a feeling and not a rational choice. If you force yourself to "forgive" in order to please God, then you are "prostituting" your feelings (sweeping under the carpet) for God to love you and owe you favours, all this is very mercantile and is not related to a real relationship with God who loves you unconditionally.

 

In fact, many people who "forgive" live in denial, they just want to deny reality and denial is very detrimental for mental health. People who live in denial are more prone to depression and inner division.

 

You have to learn to love all of yourself, even the feelings that you are not proud of. Having certain feelings does not mean that you will act upon them. Repressing your feelings is very detrimental.

 

Take care!

[goodkarmakitty]

Thanks Francis, but I'm not religious. God is very much my friend, we respect and love one another, and I have a special relationship with him, but I am not in any way religious.

 

I don't feel obligated to forgive my father, but I do feel obligated to help myself heal and when I say forgive it is merely because there isn't any better word right now to describe the process of letting go, while still acknowledging the existence of, the wrongs done to you by others.

 

Forgiveness does not necessarily have to carry religious implications and in this case it most definitely is a rational choice. I've thought about this logically, emotionally, weighed all my options, factored in what I know about myself and what I know I need to be healthy, and decided that it was in my emotional and mental health's interest to find a way to move on from this.

 

I do not repress my feelings. I've done so in the past, but found it to be a very unhealthy way to live. I now choose every day to feel things fully, even painful things, because I've found that it is only when we allow our fears, pain, and anger to be fully experienced that we are able to then let them go. So perhaps I've answered my own question. Perhaps I should just allow myself to feel all the anger towards my father (while monitoring it's effect on my internal and external life to ensure it is not negatively effecting myself or my actions) until I've fully experienced it all. I would guess this could take awhile as I've got a lot to be angry with him for, but once I've experienced it fully I no longer have to hold onto any part of it.