Why does he still 'haunt' me?

[HDC80]

A guy I was with for just shy of 3 years broke up with me (this was February of this year)

 

A bit of background:

We dated for almost 3 years....it was a bumpy ride to put it mildly.

He decided to take space (and not speak to me except on Monday nights when he would tell me he needed more time)---WHILE I was facing down the fact that I might have cervical cancer.

He went with me for a follow up to a biopsy Id had 6 months prior....and it was supposed to be routine...he stopped talking to me about 4 days prior and wouldnt confirm he would go with me to this appointment. He finally reluctantly did. I told the doc about my life over the 6 months, and she suggested another biopsy...which was painful and also spoke to me about considering options if I ever wanted to have kids.

I then would sit and wait to hear back about what came next.....while my BF of nearly 3 years wasnt speaking to me.

It was cruel.....especially at such a time.....I had friends to lean on, but the person who was supposed to be there wasnt....and what a crappy time to decide to take space to 'figure out what he wanted'.

 

I endured the space....anxious and stressed during the entire time. I dropped 20lbs (not that I had 20 to drop).....and got the news I would need to have most of my cervix removed.....would likely NOT be able to carry a child to term should want children.....and most likely when they did a biopsy on what they removed, would need chemo.

This was due to how rapidly my bad cells grew.

 

I told my space taking BF this....and he couldnt have cared less. He said well do what you need to do, it will be what it needs to be.

 

He then ended things with me a week later.

 

I started to recover----do what I needed to do.....met a wonderful new guy and kept on my amazing new path.

 

I found out through mutual friends....my ex started seeing someone the DAY AFTER he split from me.....that he moved in with her about a month after that......

Annoying, jabbing as he never would take any steps with me during our 3 years, but easily took them with someone he had known for a moment....

 

Then the kicker.....she got pregnant in July.

So not even 6 months after a split from me.....he is now going to be a father.

 

I had my surgery in May....I got results in June----they believe they got all the bad cells.....but are still unsure if I can have kids (side note---Ive never really wanted them, BUT thats easy when its as simple as changing your mind)

I wont know until I attemp to have kids....and the way Ill know is by mis-carrying as I dont have enough cervix to hold a baby in my uterus.

 

I dont speak to my ex.....we are still connected on FB.....and still have some mutual friends (all of his friends deleted me.....most of my friends have kept him which REALLY bothers me and Ive asked them to remove him but they wont...making me feel that they are okay with how he treated me, and are okay someone they consider a 'friend' would treat someone else they're close with so cruelly....and they still comment and like things he posts...further telling him that his friends are loyal to him, and my friends are loyal to him and not me too)

 

With all this background (any gaps ill answer)-----I still cant seem to shake him. Thoughts of what should have been haunt me.....and I dont want him back, but I wonder what could have been.....and I guess Im still looking to know that he ever loved me as I loved him----since his actions during our relationship, how he treated me ....then how he acted when my health was in question and how quickly he moved on demonstrate I was meaningless to him.

 

We split 8 months ago---why does he still haunt me?

[LoveHim]

Your relationship was 3 years...it's going to take at least 1 1/2 years to heal...or move on. They say about half the time of the relationship is needed to heal.

 

You need to get him off FB and do your best to forget about him. Who cares if he got another chick pregnant shortly after he got with her, it probably won't turn out for the best, rushing into things never does. It doesn't matter what he does or if your friends are friends with him...you can't control them and make them de-friend him. You just have to not care that they remain friends.

 

You are thinking about him because he was a big part of your life, he was routine. You have to break that cycle by making yourself stop...every time you think about him pinch yourself or remind yourself not to. Start thinking about other things, curve the daily routine to not include him.

 

You don't need to know if he ever loved you...even if he did, he doesn't now. It's time to move on and not care what he thinks or feels or does. If you continue to think about it then you will just drag yourself deeper and deeper. He is obviously an a$$, he doesn't deserve your thoughts about him.

 

Overall, hang in there...it's get easier and better. Just work on you and making a new life/routine for yourself that doesn't include him.

[rask]

Seriously, delete his facebook and block him. You don't need to deal with that. As for those friends... if he's blocked, you won't know. It's kind of unfair in a way to expect them to delete him, as well. Just because he was a bad boyfriend, didn't make him a bad friend, and the beef you have with him, doesn't have to be something they have to hate him for, even though it feels as if they should.

[HDC80]

It just feels like all of the things that were supposed to happen for him and me....never did, he dragged his feet, had excuses, couldnt be bothered....yet told me when I very seriously told him at the start....this wasnt about let's just see....that if he wanted to be with me it was going to be something serious...and move along accordingly.

 

So he dilly dallies, treats me like crap etc.....and then I almost have cancer, he jumps to be with someone else....and now he does all those things so quickly, happily and withour hesitation. It just makes me feel like I was nothing to him at all during our 3 years together.

It makes me wonder why he never cared for me. What was so wrong about me that he didnt want to do those things with me?

 

The reason it matters to me that my friends are still friends with him-----is its like they're saying what he did was acceptable....that he was cruel and mean, and they still accept him as a friend.....that they value him enough...to be clear my friends only spoke to or spent time with him when we were around (which wasnt that often)----they never spent time with him without me...they never spoke on the phone or over IM etc on their own.....so its not like they had some deep involved friendship. None of my friends knew him prior to when I met him either (if they had, I wouldnt have a leg to stand on)

When my friends have dated someone and broken up----its understood that the break up also included deleting the person from FB.... I have done this willingly for my friends in their break-ups....yet they cant seem to do the same for me.

 

All of his friends quickly deleted me....some of those people I had known for 10 YEARS and for 7 years PRIOR to his and my dating.....they had no problem dropping me in loyalty to him....and HE was in the wrong.

 

Why does such an a$$hole get to win everything? To have his friends and my friends and have it okay that he treated me in such a deplorable way.

If someone dated one of my friends and EVER did what he did to them.....and they broke up----I would so quickly delete that jerk from FB because thats NOT okay to treat someone that way. Its hurtful that my friends dont see or understand this.

Im at a point where I might delete my friends over it, because it doesnt feel like they are good friends due to their keeping him, and condoning what he did to me in such a time of need, and how he prolonged the situation....they saw me crying, not smiling, not eating.....they knew how much of a wreck I was and how I was facing CANCER.

 

I wanted him to lose....to be lonely.....to be hurt....and he never was....he just jumped up and landed extremely happy and to living with someone.

 

Meanwhile I had to rebuild my entire life, and while I have a great guy-----we're not close to moving in together.

[HDC80]

To me.....you dont remain friends with someone who treats others cruelly.....it speaks to their character.....I wouldnt want someone like that as my friend....nor be assoicated with it.

 

They werent close (as stated in above post) anyway....they just hung out maybe once every 6 weeks when we got together......so its hurtful that friends of mine Ive had for years, dont see how it hurts me that they would keep someone that cruel around as their friend.

 

My bottom line is it just says they're okay with how he treated me.

[Clio]

I think that you need to look long and hard at yourself. Why are you choosing to make yourself unhappy like that? This is all coming from your own insecurities. You are worthy of someone who will treat you with love and respect yet on some level you do not think so or you would not give your assclown ex the time of day, you would have been happy to have gotten rid of him. He is not important. He is just a weak person who didn't know any better. Your illness was a blessing in disguise: it got you out from a dead end relationship, showed you that you are strong enough to deal with a life-threatening situation and opened the way for you to meet a wonderful new guy. You need to start focusing on those gifts and be thankful. You now have a chance to be happy. Stop wasting your precious present. You are accountable for what happens to you from now on. And you became accountable for carrying on with him the moment you saw that he was no good. He was treating you badly yet you stayed. You share part of the responsibility when that happens. I have done this in the past so I know that it is very tough to see and accept, but it is this victim mentality that is keeping you stuck. Learn accountability, learn from and accept the consequences of wrong choices, focus on the good parts of your present and he (or rather you) will no longer haunt you. As for your friends, if you feel disrespected you have the choice to distance yourself. It is in your power to stay away from people who are hurting you rather than stay on and fester. Best of luck!

[Pucktie215]

You are still in shock over how he ended things. You also need to reslize that a relationship is supposed to be fulfilling. You didn't get the closure you might have wanted, but that's because you didn't end the relationship on your terms or mutual terms.

 

Letting a relationship die is the worst. Sometimes you have to just call it a TKO without waiting for a real KO!

 

Lastly, he clearly was with this girl BEFORE you broke up. He's scum and you're better off for it.

 

Move on and find the love you deserve. It's painful at first, but you build character in being single and learning to love yourself again.

[HDC80]

Fulfilling in what way though?

I dont find that anyone fulfulls me....Ive also never really been close to anyone....never had a best friend etc. So Ive always had myself...and every guy Ive dated has been long distance (the ex was 1.5 hours from me)

So Im not sure how to be really close with someone, or what someone else is supposed to provide for me or with me, as Ive never had that with anyone in my life ever.

 

Maybe Im just supposed to be alone?

Or jump from long term relationship to long term relationship?

 

I didnt know how to end the relationship because I didnt want it to end, and had longed for him to care about me for so long, I thought for certain I had been kind, giving and loving enough that he would see what he would be giving up and come around. He didnt.

 

Its hard to see that he wants to give to someone else so easily, when he never could for me.

 

I dont believe he was with her prior....have too many mutual friends that would have told me what was up if that was the case. I knew what he was up to that whole month he took to figure things out.....constantly getting updates of sightings and who he was with (he is in a small town)