pl3asehelp Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 My extended family would find it odd to hear from me directly...and likely still wouldnt tell me what was going on and would go through my parents.....in addition they would likely go to my parents to ask what the reason for my reaching out is...and they will give some lie to make me look bad. There are 2 properties....the one my parents live in....and mine which is the tax shelter that has all 3 of our names on it. They own 2/3, I own 1/3. So I have nothing to kick them out of. I would however, be left with the mortgage that I cant afford in my name to contend with..... I get that your parents have made your relationshp with the rest of your family odd. You can either do nothing and continue to be their whipping post all alone and always fear being left with no family or you can reach out to them idnependantly of your parents. You're old enough. Your name shouldn't be on the mortgage for any property you can't afford. Change that immediately. If they're name isn't on the mortgage and title, they don't own it. If yours is, you do. You gotta get to a place where you have a normal adult relationship to your parents. You're way, way too close and it's not helping you at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 OK, you live in a home owned by your parents, but in your name (in addition to theirs)... Can you speak with a lawyer so that you can get out from under that mortgage and move into a place that has absolutely no ties to them? I assume you're working and paying rent to them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 If there was a family event and I didnt get the invite from my parents...and got it from someone else and showed up----it would be VERY VERY uncomfortable. We had a wedding some years back and I got an invite for me and my then BF....we went on our own....my parents didnt speak to us all night, they wouldnt even look at me.....we had the invitation 5 MONTHS proir to the wedding...and in that time I tried to get them to meet the BF and do dinner, they refused...so it was awkward that their first meeting was at this wedding----and their way to deal was to act like they didnt know who I was. all 3 names are on the mortgage. Im the signer, they are the co-signers. So they own 2/3. I cant change it unless I get them off, or remove myself.....to get them off Id have to buy them out, which I cant afford.....and to get me off, they would have to willingly let me recuse myself from the mortgage...which they wont. They have more money than me and if this had to go to court etc...they can afford more lawyer and backing than I could.... I would lose. They dont know what normal is....and any conversation about how things should be is met with anger, hostility and resentment. This isnt an easy situation. I want this to change...they have just created a situation making it VERY difficult to make any moves without being hurt in some way shape or form. And this is all so they have things they way they want. So they can say things like----we dont know why she is so upset or why she does these things....we do so much for her, we provide so much, she obviously doesnt respect or appreciate it------so to outsiders, I look like an ******* daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 I have spoken to a lawyer...and to change this they would need to sign it over to me...which I know they wont do...the only way to force that would be to buy them out...which I cant afford. I do not pay them rent....Im a tax shelter.....they cut me a check for the mortgage...I deposit into my bank account. Then I write a check to the mortgage company for the same dollar amount-----so it looks like Im the primary owner for tax purposes....the check they cut me is seen as coming from a gift per year....when it reaches that threshold it becomes part of the lifetime gift dollar amount. This is all so they can avoid paying high taxes. I do work yes.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Discomfort is something you can deal with. It's not an excuse for letting these people completely run (and ruin) your life. As for the issue of your home...there has GOT to be a way out of this. I find it very hard to believe that your are forever bound to them because you got yourself into a situation with property. Can you rent out rooms to a roommate or two, so you can afford the mortgage payments? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 You could bring home Brad Pitt, Barack Obama, or whoever, and they'd still find something to nit-pick about. Whatever you do, STAND FIRM. If this guy really is the one for you, don't back down, or your folks will doormat you again and again. My MOH is crazy and has a vendetta fixation, so my hubby and we do not include her in anything at the moment, including the birth of our son. But besides that fact, if I had listened to my folks initial reaction of my hubby with his beat-up jeep, I wouldn't have such a great marriage and beautiful son. When they got to know him over time, they realized how good of a man he was. You are 32...put your foot down. And if they have more disrespectful, don't trust your decision things to say, don't spend it with them...go to your boyfriends place. And I guarantee, after one time of you not attending, they will know to take you seriously! Oh, and call their bluff on the mortgage. Keep in mind, if they don't pay, it ruins their credit too. You could also essentially get some roomates, or sublet, and move on with your MAN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamkaylee Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 If your name is on the mortgage they can't legally have the locks changed and evict you from the place. But that's neither here nor there right now. If you can't afford the place on your own without their help you need to do something else. Look at your expenses and start cutting them. Smartphones, cable TV, fancy cars, manis, pedis, etc. are not necessities. Get a room mate to share expenses. What I would do is cut expenses and move out into an apartment you can afford. Let your parents deal with the place. Don't worry about the mortgage. Their names are on it too. They're not about to let it go into default and screw up their own credit. No way from your description of them. Don't let them hang that disowning crap over your head. It's a bunch of bull to make you toe their line. You disown them. Quit going over there and kissing up. If they want to treat you like crap, just leave. You do NOT have to deal with it. I walked from my family years ago and this ignorant controlling stuff is part of why I did. I never once regretted it. Life became SO much easier and less stressful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I have spoken to a lawyer...and to change this they would need to sign it over to me...which I know they wont do...the only way to force that would be to buy them out...which I cant afford. I do not pay them rent....Im a tax shelter.....they cut me a check for the mortgage...I deposit into my bank account. Then I write a check to the mortgage company for the same dollar amount-----so it looks like Im the primary owner for tax purposes....the check they cut me is seen as coming from a gift per year....when it reaches that threshold it becomes part of the lifetime gift dollar amount. This is all so they can avoid paying high taxes. I do work yes.... See, you've gotten yourself into a bind because you're not really independent of them, even in your living situation. You don't pay rent! You could just walk away from the property. Let the bank foreclose on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 It very well may be uncomfortable for a while, but that's better than nothing, right? The alternative is you anger your parents and then have no family. You should stop being concerned how you look to outsiders regarding your relationship to your parents - you are a grown up. Most people would find it bizarre to hear parents of a 32 year old talking about their child as if they are still a child (doing things for you, providing for you). Sound like you have a lot of excuses when the path is clear and there's really nothing standing in your way except your own fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I have spoken to a lawyer...and to change this they would need to sign it over to me...which I know they wont do...the only way to force that would be to buy them out...which I cant afford. I do not pay them rent....Im a tax shelter.....they cut me a check for the mortgage...I deposit into my bank account. Then I write a check to the mortgage company for the same dollar amount-----so it looks like Im the primary owner for tax purposes....the check they cut me is seen as coming from a gift per year....when it reaches that threshold it becomes part of the lifetime gift dollar amount. This is all so they can avoid paying high taxes. I do work yes.... So stop helping them evade income taxes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Ive spoken with lawyers.....I worked in real estate....trust me, this is iron clad. They created it as such to protect themselves, and to trap me. They have lorded it over my head, and the few times I have stood up----they have crushed me.....either by not paying the mortgage and crushing me financially so I was reading by candle light and cooking raman over sterno....let that happen for several weeks then started to try and fix the situation....but they knew I was hurting and their explanation to me was that it was so I would know what it felt like to struggle, as they had, since I was being handed everything. I didnt ASK for this, I was TOLD this is what I was going to do...yet they still blame me for being in a set up they created that is better than when they were that age. Im bound until THEY decide they want to sell. My choice of wanting to live elsewhere, or in a different place, is never a consideration. They twist it telling me this is so Im set up and taken care of and wont need to rely on anyone else.....so should I ever want to live with someone....they would have to leave if it didnt work (but would they ever let someone set foot in that place with me?!) As for roommate----I have one. She pays 'rent' that money goes into my account, which my parents then extort from me saying its theirs because they pay the mortgage. When its time for taxes....they also get the tax refund I receive for 'owning' a home...... If I looked to remove them from the mortgage...the only way they would is if I bougth them out-----even with a roommate I dont have that type of lliquid asset to pay to have them sign......and even then I still cant afford the mortgage on my own. they have set me up in a trap where anything other than what they want for control, leaves me in a desperate place. So much for wanting more for your kids than you had yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Sound like you have a lot of excuses when the path is clear and there's really nothing standing in your way except your own fear. Agreed. There is a way to freedom if you really want it, OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Why can't you just walk away? Let them deal with the bank. Seriously, and I mean this with no malice - I think you're scared to be independent. I think you're coming up with excuse after excuse because the thought of actually DOING something about it, reclaiming your own life and living as an independent adult, is terrifying to you. Because, truthfully, anyone who wanted it badly enough would make it happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 They might not be able to do so legally....but that happened......they went over while I was at work and when I returned, my key didnt work. My expenses are cut----I by no means live a lavish life. I cook at home, and brown bag my lunch to work....I drive a modest car with great gas mileage...I rarely go out, go shopping etc. I dont get manicures or pedicures..... I have basic cable, I turn off the lights when not in a room and keep my house at a balmy 63 degrees in the cold winter months. I have a roommate. Im terrified of how wretched they will be if I were to walk out of their house or tell them I wont deal with this anymore. These people are my parents and they have no worries about leaving me cold, dark, hungry and alone for nothing more than to teach me a lesson...... they're cruel, mean individuals......I know it needs to change, I just dont know if I can hold out through their wrath......as they will keep amping it up to make me cave...makking it worse and worse for me..... I dont know that I can sit in feeling THAT horrible, and hold my ground....thinking Ill be happier, and emotionally better.....once they subside.....as Ive never seen them subside, say they're sorry, concede or otherwise move from their steadfast position....EVER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Maybe you're limited in what you can do immediately, but that certainly shouldn't stop you from making a plan to become independent. If you don't you will live the rest of their lives in a prison. I'm sorry, maybe I missed it, but what do you do for a living? Is there no way you can pay your own mortgage? I'd be getting another job, something, anything, to get out from under this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 I had my own place before this property thing.....I was financially ON MY OWN 100%...... So Ive done it, was thrilled about it----then this property came up and threw a major wrench in the works. I would be THRILLED to not deal with this.....to have them come to their senses....but I really do believe that even if I stand up and hold my ground----they wont see a need to d oanything different....anyone who asks will be told that Im their snob daughter who threw a fit and was a brat....they'll put the blame on me....to family, etc. Id say friends, but my parents have NO friends, no social life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Im an executive assistant as a pharma company. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Walk away from them, change your phone number and don't give them your new address. Then you won't have to deal with their "wrath." And when, and if, you decide enough time has passed and you want to be in touch, contact them on your own terms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Um - I haven't relied on my parents for any kind of support, emotional or financial, since I was 18 and I know many people who are the same. I think you should just honestly forget they exist for like 2 years. Don't even speak to them or think about them. Learn how to live without them. They'll survive - so will you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamkaylee Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 You legally became an adult at eighteen. You're 32 now. So for the last 16 years you have been ALLOWING this. No one put a gun to your head or twisted the thumbscrews and forced you into anything. All you've ever had to do is say no. When the IRS or the state get hold of your tax shelter arrangement, you're just as guilty as your parents. You signed your name to the papers eight years ago, so no way you're pleading duress and getting any sympathy there. You can get out of all of this if you really want to. So what if things are "uncomfortable". Jail for tax evasion is a lot more uncomfortable. That does happen too! And if you're worried about being bankrupt over a condo payment you really don't want to see what the interest and penalties are going to be when the tax folks catch up with all this. Add attorney fees. Your parents will be lucky to be eating ramen for the rest of their lives by then and they'll drag you right down with them for being complicit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 The set up they have, is actually completely legal. Vetted that out with a lawyer as well to see what the implications are. Because I write the check for the mortgage....its from my account with my name on it...... The check they cut me is seen as lifetime gift ($11K allowed per year to any individual family member 1.5M lifetime....so once you have gifted 11K it moves to lifetime) So while it cuts down on their taxes....it is not evasion or illegal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Yes legally at 18....but at 18 - 22 while in college, my parents were supporting me and would lord THAT over my head as well....any time I attempted to be independent they would hurt me financially.....not making payment to college etc....it got so nasty I had to look into loans and financial aid.....but at the last second they came through. In the summers they told me that I wouldnt have a place to stay and I would need to find an apartment...so I would work very hard during the year and save every red cent I earned....and then they would pull through and tell me I didnt have to get an apartment, they would let me move home. Then they would charge me rent and for utilities, which is where my summer working money would go..... then they would tell me I owed them for paying for college, so my money earned during the school year would go to checks written to them for that purpose. They always left me fearing not being able to afford to live, so I wouldnt do anything other than go to class and work....I never went out in college, or shopped or partied....I was too fearful of spending the money and not being able to afford an apartment in the summer, or whatever money they said I owed them. The only time I was 'free' from them was when I rented an apartment.....for under a year....and just before I signed the lease they told me that if I ran into any trouble, for any reason NOT to ask them for help, as they saw my moving into my own apartment menaing I would NEVER EVER move home again, nor ask for help even if I really needed it ....that I sohuld be mindful and have planned for ANYTHING that might ever happen to me..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 The set up they have, is actually completely legal. Vetted that out with a lawyer as well to see what the implications are. Because I write the check for the mortgage....its from my account with my name on it...... The check they cut me is seen as lifetime gift ($11K allowed per year to any individual family member 1.5M lifetime....so once you have gifted 11K it moves to lifetime) So while it cuts down on their taxes....it is not evasion or illegal. It is obviously unethical though. It's not a gift and you know that - you always use it to pay the mortgage and it's very specifically designed to lower their taxes, not give you any kind of a gift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 So, in other words, you moved out of the apartment because you didn't want to give up their financial support? You did make a bit if your own bed, here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 You're not alone, though, are you? You've got your boyfriend and his warm, loving family who are only too keen to welcome you. I'm sure you have other friends, too. Many people steer clear of families which would damage them. I get that just moving out without having time to pave the way may well be too stressful just to do in one hop, but you need to start breaking away at your own pace. But break away you must. In some ways, your situation is similar to that of someone who is leaving an abusive partner who has taken away their financial freedom. But these people survive, and manage. If you can gain your independence - and I mean your OWN independence - and you'll never get it with their blessing, then you'll be completely fireproof. It's a good feeling, even if you have to suffer financial hardship in the short term Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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