family wont include SO

[HDC80]

I have had an ongoing issue with my family----they will not include the person I am dating for anything. Im an only child.

I dated a guy for nearly 5 YEARS.....and they met him maybe 4 times

Dated another guy for nearly 3 years....they met him maybe 4 times

Dated the last guy for almost 3 years...they met him maybe 4 times

 

Then there is my current BF. The other past BF's had their own challenges and issues, and at the time it bothered me they were not included exposing a deeper issue, but now, this needs to change.

 

Ive been with my current BF for nearly 8 months. He is amazing, and I do believe that he will end up my husband.

My family was informed about him at the 4 month mark, and took 2 MONTHS to finally go to dinner.

 

Dinner seemed to go well, good conversation, laughs, etc.....then I had my weekly Sunday dinner with them and got the full report.

I thought dinner had gone well-----feedback-----not great. They thought he was nice, but barely paid any attention to what he said because of how he ate his dinner. He didnt bring the fork up entirely to his face, and leaned down a bit to meet the fork----so I got a lecture about that asking what Im doing, did I notice that he did this, would I say anything to him to correct this behavior and how its a reflection on me....if I continue to see him they would be reluctant to dine with him or take him to a fancy place or have him come around the family as it would be a huge distraction and it would be something the family would take note of and likely reflect on him and myself.

 

My father spoke to me about it a second time after the initial convo with him and my mother. I told him calmly that those I know dont focus on those particulars and no one has noticed nor said anything to me about it, and how this puts me in an awkward position as if I dont say anything it then says to my parents i dont care about this, but its also not something I should have to tell a 33 year old man. That in general the people I know dont focus on things like that.

 

They completely didnt pay attention to anything other than how he puts a fork to his mouth. They didnt hear what he said, or care that he makes me happy or any of the actual things that matter. because he brings his face to his fork, he is now unacceptable.

 

I was SEETHING last night.

 

Yup....that is what my parents spent their time on. Not how nice he is, well spoken, well dressed, intelligent, funny.....nope....the fact that he leaned down to his plate. Its a bit pronounced because he is tall....and my parents dont do this at all-----so they would find anything about this to be pronounced.....but they feel its a reflection on me....and that I should say something.

If it was that bothersome they should have said something.

They made points to me that with my work bringing him out ot functions this is what people will notice and it will relfect poorly on me.

 

My Dad in his second lecture to me 1:1 without my mom was that if someone he was dining with was using vulgar language that he would speak up and tell them to stop as it made him uncomfortable------okay yes I would do the same thing, but someone eating and leaning down isnt the same as swearing as others can HEAR profanity.....

He used the right fork and utensisls, he didnt eat with his hands or slup food or chew with his mouth open.....or talk with his mouthful.....he was polite and mindful and totally proper.

 

I quietly and diligently told my father that those are not the things that I or people I know pay attention to nor call others out on, and its awkward to put me in that postiion to say something.....his response was ...do you just not know him well enough yet?

I finished the convo and response to that question saying that I would feel very embarrassed if someone called me out at 32 for something like that and I would likely be upset and avoid eating with them again.

 

My parents said they wouldnt feel comfortable dining with him again, and certainly not at a classier place than where we went, and it would be obvious to the family should he be out and meet them.

Conclusion-----they wont invite him nor include him......unless I confirm and tell them I have said something to him....and then maybe they'll try again. But until I tell them I have----they wont.

 

Love how they dont care about the things that matter-----like that Im happy or that he treats me well.....nope----doesnt matter. You dont bring your fork to your mouth all the way......

 

my parents even questioned me asking what Im doing----and how I wouldnt have seen this GLARING HUGE ISSUE and not said something or stopped dating him. That it should be part of my decision making.....

They said several times----well if you continue to see him......uh what? seriously?

 

The bigger issue now, is they dont ask me about him or even mention his name. Granted...my parents rarely ask what Im up to or how Im spending my time (yes dinner twice a week and they never ask what Im doing...we talk about lots of other things just nothing about my personal life)

Now its the holidays.....and my parents never include anyone in holiday plans....but that also includes my not being able to attend if invited elsewhere either.

 

Anyone have any advice on how to navigate this?

His family is so warm and wants me around.....he says he understands, but this bothers me, and it has to be hurtful to him.

[mhowe]

YOu are an adult. You spend the holidays w/ whomever you wish -- and I would think this would mean your SO and his family.

[iamkaylee]

My conclusion? Your parents are a couple of snobs and you'll never be able to "present" someone to them that will measure up to their standards. This is completely asinine.

 

You're an adult. If this is the way your parents intend to be, I suggest you start putting your foot down. If they can't accept your choice of BF over something this stupid, they should to have to live with the fact that if he isn't included, neither are you.

[FrenchFries]

Hun...you are 30-something years old. You do what you want. Your parents may never change. You are going to have to come to the point where you don't let their opinions guide your life. Sorry, I don't have much more to offer than that. You can't change your parents, but you can choose where you spend your time and you can respectfully let them know how you feel about your bf. If they don't like it, so be it!

[HDC80]

Thing is there are these expectations that I will be with the family on holidays.....because its just me and them. We are not in contact with extended family....so if Im not there, there is no 'family' in their eyes.

 

They never ask if I might have plans or consider that I might be invited elsewhere....and when I have been....its been met with major opposition. They are not accepting of the idea of it.

 

The last BF....his family asked if I wanted to go to Xmas Eve mass with them (something I had never done)---and my family doesnt do anything on Xmas eve.....

So rather than just TELL my parents this was going to happen-----I called and asked if it would be okay (because we dont do anything on xmas Eve)

 

It became WWIII in my house....my mother not speaking to me, or when she did telling me I was selfish, asking why another family would want ME there with them for the holiday, then adding that my father had made surprise Xmas eve reservations to go to dinner and I ruined it (its a surprise, how was I to know?)

Then they told me not to even bother coming for Xmas at all.

 

I did show up on Xmas morning, and there were no apologies, it was just as if nothing had happened.

 

THEN....the following Xmas.....my parents told me they were going to dinner on Xmas eve (they never invited me) when I told them I wouldnt be going to mass with my BF's family (he was working that night) they told me they assumed Id be with his family as that was now how it would be....and they would SEE if they could adjust the reservation to include me, but they didnt feel it was likely. (didnt know it was that difficult to make it from 2 to 3 people)

 

The reason for my trepidation in doing anything in this situation, is I have no relationship with extended family----so if I start this fight, Ill have no one....and lets say things dont work out with my current BF.....my family will not offer any sympathy nor welcome me back with open arms...they will tell me how disrespectful I was, and selfish, and 'told you so'.....and explain how they were right, and why no one should come before family....etc.

 

I know this isnt normal, and what they're doing isnt right----but I have no idea how to even bring it up to them and have it be productive!

[mhowe]

Wait -- you make plans and they "make you" change them.

But they can make plans (Xmas eve), not invite you ---and assume what you are doing.

 

They won't disown you. You're all they have.

 

Stand on your own two feet. Do what you want to do. Tell them....don't ask them.

[Seraphim]

I would tell my parents to stick it up their rump and not go if they spoke about my husband that way. I would not bother going to their holiday events. We all teach people how to treat us. So far they've gotten away with being snobs don't allow any longer.

[Doc Blaze]

This would drive me nuts...seriously..they act like little children.

[HDC80]

The first Xmas eve they went out to dinner....they went without me....and were PISSED that I went and spent it with my BF and his family.

 

The second Xmas eve...they made plans and didnt include me nor ask what I was doing---they assumed I would be spending it with him and his family---when I told them I wasnt and he would be working they made a big deal about changing the reservations to include me.

 

All they had to do was simply ask....'we know last year, you went to mass and spent Xmas eve with his family, will you be doing that again this year?"----and like any NORMAL interaction, they would have had their information and we could have gone from there....either my telling them Id be spending Xmas eve with my (now ex) BF and his family, or that I would be around and happy to join my parents for Xmas Eve dinner plans.

 

Any time I stand on my 2 feet, they threaten to disown me.

during the WWIII blow out they told me not to bother coming to xmas that year, and the following year they would be sure to have plans and not be around so it woldnt matter, I could be on my own to do as I pleased.

 

They're the type that dont get angry and get over it----things are drawn out for weeks, and the tension just remains and hangs in the air.....its very unpleasant and intolerable.

It makes me anxious most of the time-----just as the thought of telling them what Im doing----as I know it wont be accepted, it will be met with resistance and fits and anger and hurtful statements......because it wont be respected and they will be sure to make me uncomfortable and attempt to ruin my having fun at my plans.

 

They dont see someone else including me as a nice thing, they see it as why would someone else want me around.....which leaves me feeling not very cared about.

 

The irony---is that my parents spent EVERY Xmas with my mothers family----taking my Dad away from his very close, and LOCAL family----so you'd think they would get this----my BF's family is about 30 minutes away.

 

Or----if they dont want me to NOT be around, then invite him over to spend some time.

 

Its so complicated and ugly, and it leaves me resentful and angry.......I end up compromising and not being happy, and no one else is either.

[mhowe]

You can be happy --- by living your own life.

 

They are never going to welcome your SO -

 

You decide how you let people treat you. You haven't been disowned yet.

 

Please -- you are not a victim here. Do what you want w/ your bf.....or sit home with a good movie and a nice glass of wine. Stop putting up w/ their crap.

[Kaytie]

We can't choose our families, but we can certainly choose to allow them to treat us poorly or not. Simply because someone is blood related does not mean we have to put up with their crap. You can have a life full of chosen family, whether they be friends or a partner's family.

 

We wouldn't allow a partner or friends to treat us like this, yet we often accept it from the ones who are supposed to have our backs. They sound incredibly manipulative - I am so glad you can see through this and are a different kind of person.

 

Do what makes YOU happy. Call their bluff and don't show up if you don't want to. Life is too short to be around toxic people.

[nutbrownhare]

I would be SOOOOO embarrassed to admit to a SO that I had parents as petty-minded, bigoted and snobbish as this. You must feel so ashamed of them.

 

My mother went through a very odd stage a few years back (I suspect she was menopausal at the time) and after a few times of seeing her and feeling my feathers ruffled for about a week afterwards, I stopped seeing her unless it was absolutely necessary. Don't even contemplate telling your lovely fella about their ridiculous comments. If his family are warm and welcoming to you, spend time with them. As regards the lack of invitation to events with your family, explain that they have a history of doing this, and not to take it personally.

 

To be honest, though, if your parents are really getting that upset about something so trivial, it's really about something else. Many families are about control, not love, and it seems that someone who does things differently is now beginning to threaten a cosy, closed-in world. If your fella comes back having revised his table manners, your parents will feel reassured that they can control both of you. Just don't. They stopped having any jurisdiction over you when you turned 18. They can't MAKE you do anything - though you will have received a lot of training to the contrary.

[HDC80]

They just make it so intolerable the next time I see them....even if its WEEKS later....they're still angry and let it be known in passive aggressive ways. Tone, comments, or just not speaking and that tension hanging in the air.

 

I havent been disowned yet but I have a full life of stories where they have been very cruel and uncaring towards me....and how Im never heard nor listened to as a valuable contributing member of the family.

 

And the biggest worry----if things dont work out, and Ive done all this, that they will resent me for it, and be cruel over it....and wont let me come back to the family afterwards, seeing it that I betrayed them by picking someone else over them.

[nutbrownhare]

They just make it so intolerable the next time I see them....even if its WEEKS later....they're still angry and let it be known in passive aggressive ways. Tone, comments, or just not speaking and that tension hanging in the air.

 

I havent been disowned yet but I have a full life of stories where they have been very cruel and uncaring towards me....and how Im never heard nor listened to as a valuable contributing member of the family.

 

And the biggest worry----if things dont work out, and Ive done all this, that they will resent me for it, and be cruel over it....and wont let me come back to the family afterwards, seeing it that I betrayed them by picking someone else over them.

 

They may do, they may not. They may, in time, realise that they will drive you away for ever unless they change their ways.

 

If you don't spend time around them, they can't be cruel to you - it's as simple as that. It will be painful for you in the short term, but sometimes we need to do this to save our sanity.

 

If they disown you, what's the worst thing that can happen?

[mhowe]

Please tell me why you want to be with them anyway?

 

They treat you like a child, show you zero respect.

 

All the advice will be the same -- teach them to treat you better by NOT buckling to their tyranny.

[Heather Dawn]

WOW. Your parents have an unnaturally tight hold on you. You need to take control of your own life - if you don't, your parents will very likely ruin your relationship and every relationship thereafter, and you'll end up alone and miserable because of them. (Even dinner twice a week seems excessive to me. My mom is my best friend, but I typically have dinner with her and my step-dad - and, might I add, my live-in boyfriend whom they adore - once a month.)

 

You're worried that rocking the boat will cause you to be estranged from them - and that scares you because they're the only family you have. (I'm similar in that I'm an only-child and my extended family isn't a close one in any way.) But the fact is, all you want is to be treated like an adult and have your boyfriend - who sounds wonderful - given the respect he deserves. So if asking for that, which is NOT something you should have to even ask for, is enough to cause problems between yourself and your parents, then maybe you need to ask yourself why. It's THEY who should be worried about losing YOU, because their behavior is TOTALLY unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated any longer. You're 32, not 22 - time to break free and be your own woman. Do it for yourself, and if you can't do that, do it for your boyfriend who deserves a woman who isn't afraid to stand up for him.

 

And if they disown you, it's their loss and probably your gain. I can't imagine what good possibly comes from having parents like these in your life. You may very well be better off without them.

[HDC80]

I am HIGHLY ashamed of my family, and how they lack caring, love and understanding.

I cant imagine writing someone off because of how they used a fork---there are so many other things that matter over this, and are so much more important!

 

I am nowhere NEAR anything like my parents! No clue how I came out of their house!

 

THEY have been pointed as a reason from past BF's of why they split from me...they couldnt handle the amount of stress my family created.

 

My family is definitely about control.

They have never allowed anyone in------was never able to have friends over to play, was never allowed to hang at my house----they never allowed me to make plans, and thus I never had friends growing up (as a teen people would try, but they would give up quickly when I was never able to do anything after school or on the weekends...and their insane rule that I had to ask 24 hours PRIOR....so randomly being asked to hang out after school was NEVER allowed)

 

Understood they cant MAKE me do anything....but they make it so miserable if I dont go along.....and they're cruel and mean about it. They keep at it until they break me and I bend to whatever it is they want from me...they break my spirit and my will to hold my ground.

They dont respect me.

[HDC80]

You're right----I just want to be treated as an adult, and respected as one.

They're behavior IS unacceptable!

 

The reason I want to be around them is they're my parents! They're my ONLY family.....

 

As for if they disown me what is the worst that can happen-----well I live in their tax shelter....property they purchased to cut down what they pay in taxes...Im a signer on it (so its in my name but they pay for it)....but I cant afford the mortgage.

If I rock the boat----they will leave me with the mortgage to down on my own-----which will ruin me financially.

Or they will just evict me.....leaving me homeless (yes they have done this before when I have stood up for myself....they went and changed the locks and I had to sleep at a friends for almost 3 weeks until they came to their senses)

[Heather Dawn]

Then why wait around wringing your hands and wondering if your next breath is going to be the one to cause them to disown you? Why not disown THEM? They sound like abusive horrors, and I think you'd be a much happier, and emotionally healthier person without them. And I guarantee that they WILL send this guy running if you don't do something about them soon.

[superfan]

Do you live on your own and pay your own bills? Or are they supporting you in some way? If they are, you need to get on your own two feet so that they no longer have any kind of financial "Hold" on you. As for the emotional one...well, only YOU can break.

 

From the way you describe it, it sounds like it doesn't matter HOW he ate his food. If it hadn't been the fork issue, it would have been something else. Your SO represents (to them) a loss of control. The idea that if you don't do what they want and lock step, you ahve other options and other people who will support and care for you. It's the same principal as an abuser who controls his SO by ensuring she doesn't see her friends or contact her family. If you have only them to rely on then you are less likely to "step out of line" and be "disowned".

 

My family are pretty unhealthy in many ways as well, so I get where you are coming from. My sister AND brother both became alcoholics in their 20s while I was living at home and trying to finish school. I had to deal with that as well as my mother who has never been diagnosed, but whom I am fairly certain is bipolar. Add in a host of other issues and you have the recipe for a pretty unhealthy situation. After my brother attacked me a few years ago and put a hole through my door, I got out of there and now I keep my distance. He is still drinking and parents continue to let him live there and raise his kids there. He is unemployed and has not finished high school. I go over there only rarely for the odd family event. I don't show up for birthdays usually or even stuff for my nephews as that means being exposed to my brother and my family's unhealthiness. I know it sounds cold (especially since the kids have done nothing wrong) but it protects my own mental health and well being which is what I care about most.

 

You need to do what is right FOR YOU. If they are treating you abusively, and you can - WALK AWAY. Do not engage, do not GO to these events. If they want to be pissy and "disown" you, then let them. The only reason they have this power over you is because you give it to them. Stop giving it to them. Let them be furious. Remove yourself from the equation until they start behaving like adults. If they don't come around, then you will be much healthier for it.

[pl3asehelp]

Why isn't your family in touch with your extended family? Is it because your nutso parents have problems with them? Maybe they don't like the way they use their forks?

[HDC80]

I pay my own bills...and any 'house bills' (utilities, real estate taxes, water, condo fees etc)---but I do NOT pay any of the mortgage (even though its in my name)

Ive spoken with my BF about this and what the game plan might be---and if they do kick me out (Ill have to declare bankruptcy and ruin my financial future)----but he would happily and willingly let me move into his place, until we can get one together.

 

So the only hold they have is the stupid condo and the mortgage...that they goaded me into signing for THEIR financial benefit 8 years ago when I was too nieve to know better.

 

They have never liked anyone-----granted Ive brought some idiots to them, but they have barely taken time to get to know them...so how can they really pass jugement?

They just dont trust mine, and belittle my choices, or create impossible situations that upset the person Im dating and cause rift and ultimately the demise of the relationship.

 

Your family sounds difficult as well, and thats a tremendous amount to endure. Fortunate you were able to get out from under that and see it for what it is.

[HDC80]

My extended family has never been close.

 

My mother and her brother are years apart, and had major issues with one another growing up. They also live VERY far away so opportunity to get together comes maybe once a year.

On that side I have 3 cousins...who I met maybe 3 times in my life. Now one lives in Japan, another in Switzerland, and the last lives near me locally----but invitations to anything come THROUGH my parents, not to me directly (and its expected I will attend WITH my parents....as in go with them in their car to the event)

 

On the other side....there is my Dad's brother---similar age difference and not really getting along growing up.

3 cousins on that side.....1 in DC with husband and 3 kids, 1 in FLA never married, and 1 local with 2 kids.....

I never really knew them well as a child....and they're all older than me, and attended a prestigious school and grad school----we dont have much in common.

 

My fathers parents passed away when I was young and i spent ample time with them before their passing.

We would visit my mothers parents once a year for a week (they lived far)

 

Any invitation for 'family' events goes to my parents and then Im told about it----no one Im related to knows my phone number, my address etc. And even if they did, the invitation would go to my parents. (this includes weddings...my invitation would be included on their paperwork to RSVP)

Again...expected that I would go with my parents....arrival on my own isnt accepted.....

 

My extended family doesnt know anything about me...and when we do get together with them, my conversations are very stifled, due to my parents not knowing anything about my life---and the few times I told family members anything, and it got back to my parents I had to endure the wrath of why they didnt know about such and such.....and how embarassing to hear it from another family member.....

 

My mother doesnt like family----she hates kids-----its the reason we dont see my Dads brother and his family anymore----there are kids....which my mother doesnt want to put up with.

 

Also should probably point out---my mom never wanted kids.

She told me on Xmas day when I was 20 that she never wanted kids, and she found out she was pregnant....and by the time she thought to do anything about it----it was too late.

I can confirm she was NOT happy about me.....there are 2 pictures of her pregnant and she is PISSED in both.

My mom would SCREAM at me when I was a toddler and spilled milk.....

[pl3asehelp]

They are not worth you going out of your way for. They either accept you and whoever you want to bring around or you just do stuff without them and that's their loss. You might want to look into starting up a relationship with your extended family on your own - no reason you should suffer just because your parents have problems.

 

Also, if your name is on the mortgage of the property they're living in YOU can kick them out - not the other way around. Never ever, no matter what you do, declare bankruptcy because your parents have been manipulating you. Tell them if they want to enjoy the place they're living in, they need to get on board with you and your guy or they can start looking for a rental.

[HDC80]

My extended family would find it odd to hear from me directly...and likely still wouldnt tell me what was going on and would go through my parents.....in addition they would likely go to my parents to ask what the reason for my reaching out is...and they will give some lie to make me look bad.

 

There are 2 properties....the one my parents live in....and mine which is the tax shelter that has all 3 of our names on it. They own 2/3, I own 1/3.

So I have nothing to kick them out of.

 

I would however, be left with the mortgage that I cant afford in my name to contend with.....