long distance hook ups possibly become more? help

[Anon333]

Ill try to make this short. I met a man back in August and Im not going to lie, it was at a bar and it was instant attraction flamed by a little alcohol. Even when I am tipsy I have never felt that instant attraction I felt like I did with this man. We both were so smitten I took him home and we did have sex. He lives 7 hours away in another city, and he had literally just broken up with a live in girlfriend of a couple years. I really felt a strong connection with him even the next day but had to drive him to his friends. We exchanged numbers and said lets contact the other if we are in eachother's town.

 

Wasnt sure if I would ever hear from him again until a month went by and he was back in my area. I had panned to go up to his area as well. So we connected in my town and then we spent a few days together again. He treated me very sweet although I knew he still had his ex on his mind. He treated me like his girlfriend. Wanting to hang out and make out with me every chance he had. Another awesome time with him. I have NEVER felt this chemistry and instant attraction with anyone in my life. And I am 33. It was so hard to leave. We said our goodbyes with no talk of meeting up again or stayng in touch. He texted and called me loosely, maybe once every week or 2 to say hello. When a week or two went by without hearing from him I would get dreadful anxiety and feel depressed.

 

Now to the present. The third time we connected and hooked up over a span of 4 months and very loose contact. I let him know a week before I was coming up to his town, not knowing if he would want to hang out or what his situation was. He texted me on that day to see if I was in his town. We met up and once again we continued where we left off. A lot of passionate sex but also alot of fun and laughing and sweetness. He brought me around to his friends and treated me like his girlfriend again. I forgot to mention I am moving up to his area in a couple months.

 

So here is the dilemma. I am so so torn and confused and have gotten so much different advice. I know he doesnt want a long distance relationship, but I also know he may still be trying to get over his ex. He also could be enjoying being single and his freedom. I dont know how he feels about me besides from really liking me and being attracted to me and having fun with me. I dont know if he sees any possibility of anything else. I am very cautious about being too heavy or asking him anything that would scare him away. Especially since I live so far away right now. But it is very painful for me to feel so intimate and close to someone and feel like they are on the same page, and then when I go away not hear from them or know what they are thinking. Am I being used? Is it just about sex? is he not over his ex? or does he simply not want a long distance relationship in which he would have to contact me every day.....Im torn.

 

My strategy is to wait it out a couple more months, and see what plays out when I move there. I think I am in love with this man and i want to do whatever I can to make it possible for this to work, which i feel like might be being patient and understanding instead of my feelings of anger and hurt that seem to come throughout the day. Please any input or suggestions would be incredible. Sorry this ended up being long....Thank you for anything you may be able to say about this..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Are you being used.....no....because your signals to him were that you were perfectly fine with a no-strings-attached convenient Fbuddy relationship that would happen whenever the two of you happen to be in the same town. It is you who changed and became emotionally involved...had you not become emotionally involved you would have been using him for sex just as much as he is using you for sex. He is in no position for a relationship...you were simply the Fbuddy to take his mind off his ex for a while. Lots of people squire around their Fbuddy to visit their friends etc but it doesn't mean anything. Maybe when you move to his town he will want to date you legitimately...maybe not. However, even if he does, you still have to face the fact that you are his rebound. Often people who are trying to get over an ex will simply transfer the actions of love even right down to the warm gestures and cuddly looks...but inside they are still in love with the ex and over time they can no longer keep up the charade with the new person. The longer you continue having this casual setup, the more hurt you will be if nothing comes of it.

[sarah222]

I would say, just move on and don't put too hope on this. Trust when a man wants a woman , he will do anything in hos power to be with her and not wait until you are in the same area to have sex and then forget about you for the next 2 weeks. I am sure you know that and feel it in your guts! I believe you are mature enough to be rational about this and not get emotionally involved more than you already are. You are the one who will get hurt eventually and you do not want that. I would say find somebody with whom you can start a solid healthy relationship. After all, your relationship started the wrong way, in the sense that he was already attached to his ex and trying to get over her when you met. Having sex on the first night doesn't help ( I'm not judging / I have done that myself before and turned out to be the wrong decision). However , all this does not mean that it is not possible for you to start a normal relationship that is if he is over his ex and if he is interested in doing so. Please put yourself first and don't get too involved in this. Keep yourself distracted , find somebody else , go out with friends, exercise , travel ..etc.. I wish you all the best.. I will be good to hear that things are better for you in the future.. Take good care of yourself.

[Anon333]

The reason I am sleeping with him is because I really like him and am attracted to him and assume he feels the same....No? That doesnt mean he wants a long distance relationship with me or he is ready for anything serious....But I dont like thinking we are just Fbuddys...guess maybe we are to him. But there is obviously something there between us even if it is sexual attraction that is still a big part of potential relationship. I dont know...

[Anon333]

Thanks sarah..What do I do if I hear from him? Ignore it. Say something honest? He is just kinda keeping me on a string I guess. No plans to see me again. I cant help but to feel tricked. We totally connect and are so into eachother when I am in the same area. I cant help but to believe it is just because I am so far away. So when I move there do I not hook up with him anymore? It will be so hard cnsidering the way I feel towards him.

[Anon333]

I honestly feel like I shouldnt have posted here because I didnt want to hear the responses. Im so sad now. Before this I felt like I had hope and understanding and was just going to let what happens while I live away happen, and when I move It would all be clear and understood. Now I just feel like it was nothing to him and he somehow acted soooo into me when I was there and so easily doesnt care if I am not in his life. Makes me cry

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I honestly feel like I shouldnt have posted here because I didnt want to hear the responses. Im so sad now. Before this I felt like I had hope and understanding and was just going to let what happens while I live away happen, and when I move It would all be clear and understood. Now I just feel like it was nothing to him and he somehow acted soooo into me when I was there and so easily doesnt care if I am not in his life. Makes me cry

 

I actually think it is good that you posted here because you did need to get a reality check. As much as it hurts, I bet deep down inside you always knew. We have all been there where we try to ignore things in the hopes it will get better. While it may be a disappointment, right now you have not been invested in this too long so it is easier to extricate yourself from this. Something better will come along at some point. You deserve better than this...you deserve someone who is completely over their ex and not looking to fill the hole in his life.

[Anon333]

Yes. I guess I should want more from someone. But I honestly feel like when we are together and I am in the same town he wants to be with me and wants to hang out and get in touch with me. When we are together everything feels good. It's just when I go away he doesn't want to stay in touch consistently or make plans. I know I should forget about him but it is hard when I feel love towards him and I am moving to his same city. It is not so easy to walk away from feeling this way toward someone who still seems interested just not in the way I want him to. I do have hope still. Even if I know I shouldn't. I want to keep my respect and not let this tear me up, but whether I walk away or just wait and see what happens when I move it will be hard either way. Any advice on what to say when and if I do hear from him? It is usually light and friendly saying he is thinking of me or something like that. Not sure if I will hear from him but not sure how to respond if I do. I was thinking of taking a long time to respond and being a little bit colder. I don't know how else to respond without coming out and admitting I'm hurt or have strong feelings for him. Something I don't want to do... At least yet.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Instead of ignoring him, why not be up front with him and tell him that you can't do casual anymore and that you are looking for a relationship. Make it clear that you would like a relationship with him but if he doesn't feel the same way then it is time for both of you to part ways. In other words, do this from a position of strength and don't worry about scaring him off because if he is truly interested he won't be scared off or think badly of you. Rather than torturing yourself on how to respond to him if he contacts you, why not take control over the situation and find out one way or the other. If you don't, you will continue to be stressed and uncertain, which will have a negative impact on you as you embark on your move to the same city has him. You want to start your new life with a clean slate..knowing for sure whether or not there is a place for him in your future.

[Heather Dawn]

You need to re-read the bolded text above. YOU wrote it, now you need to really read it.

 

Before we met, my boyfriend had been enjoying his freedom after having gotten out of a long relationship (that had been mostly bad). He was casually sleeping with a couple of different women - because he could, as he was single and free. Then he met me and immediately ended the booty-call situations. One of the women took it well as she hadn't let feelings get in the way, but the other had fallen for him without him realizing it and was very upset when he broke it off because he'd met someone (me). (Because he and I were never really apart from the moment we met, I witnessed her angry texts to him about it.) She told him that she'd fallen in love with him, and had never told him because she knew he thought of their "arrangement" as purely casual, but had hoped he'd eventually feel the same. And she was hurt that he'd gone and fallen in love with someone that wasn't her (she even stalked his FB for awhile to learn about me). She eventually went away after a final, sorrowful text apologizing for her behavior and saying that she'd leave us alone, and that she'd learned her lesson about casual hookups. I hope she did.

 

My point is that you could very well be that girl. The guy you're sleeping with is on the rebound, and is sowing his oats until he meets someone he wants to develop a relationship with. I think you should preserve your dignity and end it before he does - so you can walk away with your head held high and not look kind of pathetic and pitiful, the way the girl in my story did.