This is just a Jorunal that i am starting to track my behavior and triggers.

[junebug123]

Pulling the Trigger

 

Something i learned today, is how capable i am in controlling myself and my actions. Addiction is very hard to overcome especially one with computers which has affected nearly every person i know, except those who live in the mountains or who are deeply religious. Sometimes we rationalize to ourselves that something is okay but it isn't hurting anyone, yet we fail to realize that it is so far from okay but actually we are hurting the person we care the most about (ourselves).

 

Everything we give in to a need, we allow that need to control us and we give that need power. For some reason i am going to start pulling the trigger or hit the X mark on the top right hand side of the screen when i feel i need to move on. Its so simple yet so difficult to do when we are deeply immersed in any type of mentally stimulating activity, for me it's been tetris, and watching videos. I feel like the urges will never die because i am never off the computer long enough to allow them to.

 

It's like that ex-girlfriend you can't forget about because you keep staying in contact with her. Even thou i have broken up with my computer several times now, it is like i miss the feeling so much that staying away is too difficult. I wish i could write about something different and lately, it seems like my life is so obsessed about this stupid fvcking 6 month rule, here i am 17 days into it and there hasn't been a day which has passed where i have not either been on tetris or watched a video.

 

I know some people are wondering, what is with this fvcking loser. He can't do anything he puts his mind to, nearly every entry is about me trying to do something and then failing at it miserably. Has god forsaken me to a path which i have been following for so long that, i cannot see the bends in the road. Clearly, there are other forms of life more desirable then living with this ball and chain (computer), but this weight right now is so heavy on my mind that if i even move 3 feet i feel it dragging behind me. The moment i try to distance myself from the computer no less then 6 hours later will it start calling me over and over, repeating, chanting, beckoning like some sort of mantra or prayer which never ceases, never releases, never tires or fails to consume my every waking moment, even moments which are least expected the dagger will stop at nothing to pierce me deeply and bleed out whatever freedom remains . . .

 

End with a song.

[junebug123]

Day 20 All Hell Breaks Loose

 

Guys, i am feeling sick right now so i don't know how much i am going to write right now. Let me just start off by saying that all my bike parts came in which is good however i went on this crazy bender on Saturday and i have been hungover and now sick for the past 3 days (its Tuesday).

 

Here is what happened, i went to my friends apartment he asked me to come over. Come to find out that his gf of 2 and a half years is dumping him because, "she isn't attracted to him anymore". Anyways, he was bummed out about it and bought this giant bottle of whiskey, explaining that he is going to be moving back with his mom. We took 2 shots each after watching this reply of Zelda OoT (ocarina of time) where this speed runner beats the game in about 22:38 minutes, using this crazy glitch, a game which would normally take 2 and a half hours.

 

We walked to this pool house, i had a beer and ate Chinese food, turns out my friend was at this bar in Park Slope so after 3 games of pool we went there. At that bar i had another shot, and a beer and some cheese fries. My friend rides bikes so we went from Brooklyn china town to park slope on our bikes, finally we hopped to another bar (the final bar) at around 15th st. I had another beer and a shot on the rocks, so by now i think i had about 4 beers 5 shots, yet strangely i wasn't feeling drunk.

 

At this point it is about 3 in the morning and the bartender won't let these people in (who are regulars), they must have been drunk or angry because all chaos breaks out and people were getting hit with crutches, glasses being thrown, stuff like that. I should have just minded my own business but some of my friends were near the chaos and i didn't want anyone to get hurt (the angry people or my friends) so i tried to calm things down by getting in the middle. Basically i got punched and i think some small lady hit me on the head with a glass which left a 4 inch gash on the side of my head.

 

Cops came about 15 minutes into the scene which was incredibly fast (but this is Park Slope after all), and the bartender hands me my phone which is in 3 pieces soaked in alcohol. You would think that the night would be over at this point, but this chubby girl asks me back to her place to smoke weed (which is something i normally don't do), i guess i figured i was going to get laid or something cause why else would you invite someone to your apartment at 3 in the morning. I am pretty sure i had been flirting with her before but didn't think much of it because she was a little big for me, i guess when she initiated things i decided sure why not, wasn't the first time i been with a big girl.

 

Turns out she lives mad far from where i do, and after a 10 minute ride, seems her friend who is actually cute picked up a male friend of her own and maybe she just didn't want to be lonely. The guy was like lets take shots, stupidly i had another shot so now i am doomed, after that and the weed i was really out of it and i asked her to show me back to her room. We started making out a little bit, i take my shirt off and then i realize that her door is off the hinges. I was like that can't be good what if someone walks in on us, why the hell was her door like that. Rather then trying to fix the problem she starts freaking out about her friend saying that if anything happened between us and her friend didn't get lucky, that she would have to pay for it later¿

 

At this point i am really out of sorts, and i was like what the **** is going on, why the hell did this girl invite me back to her place in the middle of bubba fvck. I tried to lighten the mood by suggesting we play strip poker because her friend and the guy were literally on the couch doing nothing. I think i was a little too drunk at this point and also i was getting tired too, this is when he blurts out that the girl doesn't want to do anything sexual (it seems like everyone kind of knows that things aren't going down as they should), i guess i didn't care and still wanted to at least sleep there if i wasn't going to get anything after all it was like 7 in the morning and i had been drinking since about 9 pm that night.

 

The girl trying to be friendly was like look, ill pay for a cab but i was all angry, the other guy stayed (maybe he was taking a cab or something), i just remember leaving the porch and then i blacked out. I had no idea how i got on the train, i just remember waking up puking on the floor of the train and then i remember waking up at west 4th street hoping on the D train to 36 and taking the R to my stop. Oh, this isn't like a regular occurrence but i have had issues with over drinking in the past. Needless to say i was really sick and forcing myself to expel any alcohol in my body.

 

Anyways, i found something interesting out. One way i can ensure that i don't spend any time on the internet is by pressing the wireless adapter button on my laptop, which is something i will do in my future breaks when i get too anxious.

[junebug123]

Day 22

 

Turns out, i got sick after that whole episode because i have been in my bed for the past 2 days, resting and feeling like crap. I guess the alcohol combined with my poor attire in cold weather pretty much sunk the deal.

 

Just finished watching this movie called the Machinist. Yeah, i am going to spoil it because that's what i do; anyways its about this guy who can't sleep and has been acting up seeing things, losing weight, making mistakes at work. He falls in love with this hooker but then he gets fired after freaking out on the job and everything starts going really wrong because his mind starts to devour him. Towards the end of the movie we learn that he hit some kid and kept driving because he didn't want to suffer the repercussions of his actions. Seems it was his guilt that has been keeping him awake the entire movie, basically he gives all his possessions to charity and turns himself into the police. The last scene is of him sleeping in a cell; which is what he has been wishing for since the beginning of the movie (to sleep).

 

I love movies like this, because everything aspect takes on a life of its own: the actors, the plot line, the directing, there is an artistic feel to the way the movie is shot. It's not just another generic blockbuster action movie with all these special effects and crap. What's weird is that i am looking back at my last entry and thinking to myself how boring, without any of my thoughts and feelings it seems pointless. Maybe that's why writing is so relieving to me, because as a writer you can always 'just write' not worry about whether someone is bothered by what you say (at least to me).

 

Today i ordered the last piece for my bike, yesterday i did some paperwork for my school and i am starting to feel like my old self again. Funny how getting hung over and sick can make you realize how precious your health is! The last three days have been so horrid, not being able to do school work, lying in bed feeling like i was dying, not being able to play handball, just everything was horrible i couldn't even eat anything the first day without feeling like i was going to throw up.

 

Earlier i was doing some math homework and i feel like i should get back to it. Today, i studied a lot and that is strange because it is Wednesday and i usually don't do any work during the week. Well, i don't want to keep writing because i have all these strange urges to do bad things like watch 'youtube' and play tetris but i have to remember that promise i made to myself about not being on the computer. There is this anime i've been watching called, 'Holic' was explaining that the biggest let downs in life are when we let down ourselves, i don't want to keep doing that. I want to feel better, i want to cure myself of this disease, sometimes computer addiction feels like a disease when my clothes have been dirty for 3 weeks, dishes piled up on desk, falling behind in school work, unemployed for months, you know . . .

 

One day at a time, i feel like i am making a lot of progress and even thou i haven't been on par with my goal of not being on the computer at all, i feel like as long as i stay aware and make the effort to try to stay off it, that eventually i will meet my goal

[junebug123]

Lately, i have been exercising a lot of self control, i feel like reminding myself of the promise i made has been the biggest help. Every-time i get the temptation to do bad i just remember that promise i made to myself, hopefully over time my temptations will dwindle.

 

What is strange is that this concept of making smart decisions transcends something as simple as the process of just overcoming a computer addiction. I think about a month after i started this journal, i started seeing people in a different light: a light which reflected a persons capabilities to make smart decisions not just decisions based on what food to eat, what type of makeup to apply or what to wear before they left the house. People don't realize that so much of what we judge others on is appearance and image so visually we are drawn to someone who has any sense of fashion or design.

 

Imagine looking at a building and not knowing the contents of it, just to buy it because of a beautiful exterior would be ludicrous. For all you know the pipes could be damaged, the wiring faulty, the structure unstable, not properly insulated. Yet, because of this journal and decisions i have been making as of late i am checking for these sorts of internal workings before making friends/acquaintances/relationships with other people. Of course its hard to look for if you don't know what you want in a friend/acquaintance/co-worker/significant other/etc.

 

I need to rest my mind now, because it has been overstimulated with too much metal music.

[junebug123]

Day 23 Struggling

 

Guys, i just finished my math homework and its only Thursday night also i did 30 push ups, 30 shoulder press, 30 bench press, 30 dumbbell curls and right now i don't know what the fvck to do with my time.

 

This is the problem, i have a lot of stored up energy from staying in bed the past two days (granted i don't feel sick anymore) and now i don't know what to do with that energy. The temptation to watch videos is driving me crazy, tomorrow is Friday i have no obligations except to help my friend go bike hunting and that isn't until the afternoon 12 pm, so i don't know how i am going to get to bed.

 

Also, i can't watch movies because the Netflix is down for some reason. I know, some people are going to say well why don't you try programming. Well, i'll give you 3 good reasons: 1 its 1:55 am and i don't have the patience to pick up a book and learn something, 2 i just finished my math homework and i am anxious, 3 i don't feel like i could program even if i put my mind to it because my ability to focus with this much energy stored up is almost impossible. It would be like asking a wild baboon to pull a thread through a needle hole, its not going to happen.

 

I mean maybe if you offered him a banana, but even so it would be like really fvcking hard. You see its moments like these when i have no relief from my anxiety attacks that i use the computer as a form of relief. Lately i have been thinking about practicing mediation to soothe my mind, hell its worth a shot. Oh and this anxiety that i am talking about its very real and it will go on for another 3 hours if i am lucky, usually the only thing that stops my anxiety is playing handball . . . or jogging.

[junebug123]

Day 24

 

Strange day today. I seemed to be having fun trying to get my friend to get this used bike, everything was going fine, i logged on to ENA checking the status of some of the posting and this guy has the nerve to go through old posts and bring up some ****, to like shut me down or something.

 

"For example lets take you into consideration. There was a time when you posted about a girl under 18 who hit on you while you were playing handball, you posted asking if it was ok for you to pursue this under-aged girl. It is not gender norms that resulted in this extremely bizarre circumstance, but the individuality of two people. The girl for approaching you and you for considering dating a girl under 18 despite your age. "

 

I am not going to say his name, but basically i was a little like wow, did you really just go there? Is that all it takes to set you off and try to make a spectacle of me on a forum because i was arguing something you said? Were you able to bust one off buddy? I think that is the strangest thing that has ever happened to me on ENA, you put up something personal asking for help and someone uses it against you maliciously in a context to present an argument. I thought there were some broken people on this website but now, i know there are.

 

It actually makes me feel unsafe and makes me question keeping this journal because now i have to worry about some idiot (any idiot) going through my journal in response to something i may post. I just feel like the carpet was lifted from underneath my feet when he said that. Maybe, i am being sensitive but i think that personal attacks are not necessary, like why are you do you care what i do with my time and why are you making it a public thing.

 

Anyways, i decided not to respond to it and moved on, but by the time i could try to re-post something i remembered that i reported it claiming it was harassment (which i felt it was because even though its true what i did do, it was just unnecessary that he had to bring up my personal situation that type of setting, and a low blow too!) and basically the thread got closed. Then i realized wow, did i do that? just by reporting him, and at 3:12 am in the morning, it was a nice thread i didn't want them to close it, i just wanted that reply removed but i guess they um don't work that way.

 

I mean, i don't know how much of this works with infractions and all that crap, i think i have gotten infractions in the past for cursing or making personal attacks and stuff. There was this one user lololollipops, or something like that, i don't exactly remember. But basically i think she got into a fight or something with this other kid and basically quit the website. I think i know why now, because of the way i am feeling right now. That feeling that someone has just got under your skin in the place you feel safest at. You know what sucks, i kind of liked listening to her responses and stuff, i feel like i have been on this site for like a year now and haven't really connected with anyone.

 

I mean, its suppose to be enotalone, but really i just feel lonely sometimes even on this website. I feel like a little kid too, going to face book looking for updates or new messages, sometimes i reply to a thread just to see if someone will reply back. I just want that connectivity. I wish i wasn't a social creature and that my habits didn't run this deep. I don't even know why i am stressing this or why i feel so damn lonely all of a sudden. I just i just wish that i didn't have to be alone at this time and awake . . .

[junebug123]

You know what, after thinking about it over in my head, and re-reading the post. I realize he wasn't trying to like insult me and maybe he just reads up or had posted or remembered a prior post and i just got flared up about it and embarrassed. But i mean i do feel better that the thread is closed now because i just don't want people reading that information over and over again and to have to suffer the embarrassment would just be too fvcking much for me. Geez, i really got worked up about that, well i feel better now anyways that i got it off my chest.

[junebug123]

SO, its been a little over a week since i last posted.

 

I don't know why i kept stressing the amount of views i was getting for this stupid journal, i mean i really created it for my own purposes and self therapy. Strange how sometimes the most trivial things will knock us off our intended course.

 

What have i learned in the past week?

 

Bikes are expensive, but they are also nice, finally got my bike built and i couldn't be happier.

 

Handball is a game that requires time but all the time i have been putting into the sport has paid off three fold.

 

Exercise becomes easier overtime, especially when you are watching videos while exercising.

 

WOW, can you believe that i actually spelled the word exercise correctly this time without the help of the spell checker. Yes i admit, i have been watching videos and playing Tetris and all that bad stuff, the truth is i stopped caring. I realized that i didn't have to get rid of something which i felt was so important in my life, i just needed to control it and what is strange is that i have been using it in order to help me exercise so i have killed 2 birds with 1 stone (in a manner of speaking).

 

This past week has been like a strange dream to me, lately i have been indulging all my free time in handball, settling minor issues (lost my credit card but resolved it) and building my bike. I thing the change in the weather has affected me, but what has affected me even more is the fact that after being sick, hungover and unable to leave my bed for 5 days i feel like a new person. Also, i cleaned my clothes today and recently i have been my arch enemy in handball not once but twice. This kid, fish, he is like always beating me and to my surprised i have gotten the better of him on more then one occasion. It feels really good to see results but as a consequence i have fallen behind on my classes. Working out, playing handball, watching videos is fine when you keep up with your school work, i need to find something which motivates me to do well in school.

 

Also, i haven't bothered programming at all this week or the past 2 weeks, i feel like i lack to motivation to program and it is so hard to obtain that driving force. Something i noticed about programming, was that when i was involved in a group, that experienced made it worthwhile for my to continue my studies and do well, yet outside of that group experience i lacked the motivation to do well in programming. Maybe i really do need to go to jersey in order to continue my studies rather than study online, i just don't want to make a decision i will regret.

[junebug123]

Today, i did some work at Starbucks. It's been so long since i did that and actually it was a very successful endeavor. My parents had this year subscription to a Taekwondo school (Taekwondo is Korean form of marital arts) which was originally contracted to my step dad but, since he injured himself and had to pay it off anyway to avoid a bad credit report they decided to let me have it.

 

I am not sure if i mentioned this before, but i am a first degree black belt in this Taekwondo, that doesn't mean that i am like a street fighter and that i go around kicking people's asses all day. In fact it is purely for self defense and if anything they (instructors) teach you to avoid conflict at all costs, as you can seriously injury someone after undergoing this type of physical training. In fact, i don't even like fighting to begin with and don't feel any more or less confident than anyone else when it comes to a fight, but i do have the knowledge and skills to defend myself if the situation presented itself.

 

Weird thing is that besides the bar scene, i think i was only in one serious fight and that happened about 3 years ago at a party when i happened to be blacked out (so drunk that i couldn't remember what happened). Turns out i punched someone in the face so hard that i knocked them unconscious, i think they were started trouble at the my friends house anyways.

 

People in general, well they can't really fight. Most men cannot throw a proper punch without any training, they are often off balance and cannot make contact with a moving object. Most people will blindly swing with just the force of their arm and not turn into a punch or even have the energy to throw a combination without resulting to grappling.

 

Tonight after installing a new seatpost on my bike and breaking this bolt which holds it in place i watched this movie called "October Sky". I was surprised at how well the movie was made and how good it made me feel after watching it. It makes me realize how good movies used to be made when directors didn't depend on technology, sex, violence and science fiction to sell a film. All they could sell you was a good story, and the better the story the more money they made, now a day you get some badly made film, with no plot or point and yet people couldn't care less, they are paying to see some actor, or action scenes, or some new graphics.

 

I know that i have been spending too much money lately, and i am worried about what the future will hold, if i keep spending like this!

 

Lately, i haven't felt motivated to write or program but i don't think that matters because i have been lifting weights and focusing on other things. I know that when the time is right, i will find the courage i need to do what is necessary, i just wish that i was one of those people whose motivation came from something greater than pressure from society . . .

[junebug123]

10:50 pm, had school and then the martial arts class afterwards. Following that i came home took a shower and folded clothes, really don't feel like doing homework right now, i guess this is what separates the boys from the men.

 

Finished reading Jane Eyre finally, reading this book called, "Less than Zero" right now. Funny, how after reading a 500 page book written in the 19 century in size 11 font makes a modern novel feel like a children's picture book to me. I love reading older books because that was all that people had for entertainment back then, well books, sport, hunting, art and music. There was no movies, no video games, no internet. You would be surprised how much better the writing was, how in-depth the books were.

 

What's also ironic is that my last post was about the movie October sky, i mentioned how much better movies were back in the day as compared to now. Its true, some things, well actually a lot of things are better today then in the past: bikes, transportation, communication i could go on, but the things which aren't better are the things which required a certain mastery or talent.

 

Chess players for example, when the sport first was first discovered there was an explosion of chess players accross the world. It was a thinking game, some would study it to no end, the games were all unique and exciting. Now a days people are just playing strong openings and improving on tactics which older games used. True you cannot create something new when every possibility has been explored (same thing with classical music, nearly every piece of music which could be written has been written, i think they say that anyone who can compose a piece of music which has never been written before would be rewarded a ridiculous amount of money), but the point i am making is that people move away from things like chess, and writing and turn to other things like cell phone games, and social media websites.

 

I am not saying that cell phone games and social media websites are bad, but similar to TV, these types of interaction leave almost nothing to the imagination. I feel like i am growing tired of this boring world, which is becoming ever more populated and less creative by the second. A few brilliant minds rule this world and the rest follow like sheep. There isn't anything quite dynamic or amusing in this world to me, i feel like particle of a strawberry seed in a bottle of strawberry jam; there are times when i wish i was a marble in a tornado or a gold fish in a whirlpool, at least then i would be able to experience change and witness the diversity in life.

[junebug123]

Deleted my facebook account last night, i think that is like the first real step i have taken towards dealing with my computer addiction. Lately, i feel bored like i have too much time on my hands but i am sure over time i will learn to use that time more productively.

[junebug123]

Spent the day buying some food, mopping around the house, and watching videos online. I really need to stop this ****, it is ruining my fvcking life.

[junebug123]

Day 40

 

Deleting facebook was a good thing, managed to free up a lot of my time, but then i turned to watching twitch TV instead and spent some time doing that. However, lately i have been going out more and playing handball, testing my new bike etc. In fact i road 28+ miles yesterday from my house to central park its like 11 miles, then 3 laps (each lap is 6 miles) 29 miles, then i road down to china town and played 3 games of handball.

 

My left knee is really killing me right now, i need to build up my glutt muscles and my hamstrings . . . School isn't going so well either, i am behind and i have this spend this entire week studying for my math final which i am really worried about. My grade in math is like a C+ right now because of that 1 weekend which i got really drunk and i missed a quiz and most of an assignment, then i bombed another quiz by trying to do it like 40 minutes before it was due and i needed the full 2 hours and 3 attempts required to actually get a good grade in it! If i do any worse than passing the final i am afraid i will fail the class, which would really suck and i don't think my school accepts grades lower than C-, boy this is bad.

 

Over the weekend i hung out with my friend S, who i have had sort of a crush on for a long time but then something strange happened. I feel like the tables have turned because she gained a lot of weight (15 - 20 pounds i think), she looks really bad actually her tummy is like protruding out by like at least 3 to 4 inches. She was trying to explain to me how she recently got went through a bad break up, and how she has been so busy lately, her room was a freaking mess. Honestly, i don't know what i ever saw in this girl, i think that in the past i just had low self esteem and allowed women to kind of treat me badly and just accepted it because i felt like i deserved it, also i was so lonely which made me dependent on any attention i could get.

 

Me thou, i am in shape, i am sure you guys know i work out in my room when i get the chance, plus i play a lot of handball, and i bike ride so relatively speaking i am a little more athletic than most people. Something i am realizing thou, is that i never tried to do anything with this girl, maybe i have actually but i guess my pride won't allow me to remember, yet throughout our entire friendship she has always been such a ***** to me, i don't know why i put up with it. There were plenty of times she played me and i just kept calling her or forgiving her, i think that made her see me as pathetic (although at the time i didn't realize how my behavior affected her).

 

Well, the past is the past we cannot change that, we can only look towards the future. After i played handball with S we went back to her place and had some beers and gave each other massages (i know its a weird kind of friendship). We watched this comedian, i forget his name but he said this thing which really stuck with me. He was making this joke about guys who didn't look all that great, basically he said that its okay. Things get better as long as you remain relatively employed because, by the time women start to hit 35 you will be the last branch they are holding on to before they hit the ground.

 

I think what he meant by that joke, is that women when they are younger have the world by their finger tips because they are beautiful and the envy of every man and even the envy of other women. However, as they get older and experience life and go through experiences they find that beauty isn't everything and i am sure a lot of them get used for purely sexual purposes. Maybe they just want someone who will love them and take care of them, and they don't need the most attractive or fit man to fulfill that purpose, maybe just an honest hardworking man will do.

 

Well, i have to do all this homework so i will try to keep writing, i think the summer has just caught me off guard; i really like you journal i hope you forgive me!

[junebug123]

Feel good today even thou i wasn't as productive as i should have been. Lifting weights always gets my confidence up, tomorrow i think i will get some more plates at sears down by kings plaza mall. This new book i am reading is really exciting, its called "Less than Zero". I am sure i mentioned it in an earlier entry, somehow by reading this book i am realizing more and more how important values and goals are in life. I feel like the way i felt when i read the grapes of wrath, there are some books which allow you to see life in a new perspective.

 

Since summer or late spring has started it has been getting warmer and warmer, maybe i should get the fan out soon. In my room its so hot that i can barely breathe out of my skin. Today however, i went to class then, to my taekwondo class. Taekwondo is really fun, some of the women blackbelts are kind of hot even thou they are older and i feel like i am making friends sort of. I have to remind myself to go to this bike class tomorrow, althou i am not sure i want to go anymore the motivation is kind of dying. One class which i haven't been enjoying is called statistics, boy i am in trouble.

 

Not only, do i have a buttload of studying to catch up on, but also i am barely passing the class as it is. I gave the teacher a really bad evaluation, basically the guy is a ****head. At my college they have a server based in Chicago so basically all our assignments aren't due until 2 am EST, yet this professor changed the time to 12 pm EST and didn't tell anyone. Me and a few other students suffered because of it. Maybe, i should be angry at myself for not studying more, yet something tells me that i am not the only student struggling with the class.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me lately, my mood has changed so drastically from 1 hour ago. I think its the heat that is getting to me, i am not used to it and being tired and aching all the time isn't fun either. In an effort to combat the heat, i have increased my calorie intake, lately i have been getting a lot of headaches as well . . .

 

 

 

Something tells me that i am going to get laid soon, i am not sure what it is, but i get into these moods, and lately my mood has been telling me that althou i am happy i am also lonely. The strange thing is that i am usually happiest when i am lonely because i don't have to deal with any social drama, yet the problem is that i can never find a mate who is up to my standards in terms of intelligence or physic. I guess the only reason i am intelligent and in shape is because i am so crazy, maybe emotional stability is more important than intelligence and physical appearance combined yet i feel as thou emotionally stable people are also boring as hell.

 

I know its my upbringing which draws me to these strange women. Funny thing, is that the crazier they are, the more i am attracted to them, maybe i need to start working on my emotional health. I feel like this journal is the closest thing i have towards therapy, everything else in life seems simple except for matters of the heart. This movie i watched recently brought me very close to my childhood and what my life felt like growing up, its called "Squeeze". Well, i am not going to talk about the movie because it isn't anything worth talking about, but if you want to see a good old fashioned film i suggest you watch it, something about the directing and the actors makes it very unique. Well, i say this because the main actors are like these 13 year old kids, i can't really remember the last time i saw a movie like that.

[junebug123]

Day 43 Handball

 

Today, all i did was play handball. I think i am getting to the point where i have become obsessed with the game, not that this is a bad thing because i really do love it more than life itself. Yet, not being successful in my life outside of handball is really an unsatisfying feeling. Sometimes i feel like we should have more ambition in life than to work and have kids and raise those kids, a lot of people who play handball are like that. They merely work to support themselves but, they don't define who themselves are based on their job; handball defines them as players in a sport, and the handball community recognizes those individuals as being top players not sanitation workers, or cops, or teachers, etc.

 

Strangely, i didn't feel like doing any school work today althou i should have as i am backed up on assignments, and stuff like studying for upcoming finals. Tonight i watched 2 films, one was called 'The Wave' and the other was called 'A Fish Story' (it was Japanese). The wave was a German film which was strangely disturbing about this teacher who turms his classroom into some sort of weird social experiment (i don't really want to get into it that much, but it was a well made film and had a very good plot line as well). The second film, "A fish Story'. Well, i am going to have to start a new paragraph about this film because that's how great it was and really i suggest you guys watch it on your own if you have the time, i mean don't keep reading this entry if you were going to do that because basically i am going to spoil it all now.

 

A Fish Story is this really, really Strange film which has to do with inter-connectivity and how everything is related to each other. The movie starts by going into this really obscure butterfly affect, how 1 minute of the song being muted will save the world, in 50 years. What happens is that this guy driving home, who is a wimp saves this girl from being raped because he heard her scream, a scream which he wouldn't have paid attention to if it had not been for a pause in the song. A first he wonders if it was part of the song, but then he explores a little and realizes that the scream is a real as the person who delivered it.

 

Well, after saving the women, he has a kid with her and then trains that kid to become a champion of justice (whatever that means). One day on a ferry ride, a girl who forgot to get off was in trouble of being killed by ferry hijackers, but because the chef on the ferry was a champion of justice he was able to disarm the killers and save the boat and the girl. A comet is meant to hit the earth in the present moment, but some high-school girl who was saved by a champion of justice, who was given birth to a women who was being raped, who was saved by a man who pause a song, well the high-school girls does all these calculations in order to direct a missile being projected from an Indian rocket to ignite nuclear bombs planted prior to the comet getting within range to hit the earth, but failed to go off.

 

So, you see the movie is really strange but it all makes sense in the end and by the time you finish watching it, you will be scratching your head and thinking to yourself what exactly you just watched and why you watched it. An even stranger part of the movie is about the song and the making of the song itself and all the meaning behind the song. The director literally spends 45 minutes explaining the situation of the band members and the troubles they are going through in order to record and distribute this song. In all realty it is some movie based on this butterfly effect which actually goes back to an event which triggered the song to be made in the first place. However, all the craziness somehow makes sense in the end and you are left with a feeling of accomplishment and having understood the film and enjoying it for what its worth.

[junebug123]

Day 44 Boredom?

 

Not having starcraft or facebook has made my online life very boring as of late. I really can't believe i used to spend so much time on facebook before, my friend however is still addicted and he sends me these dumb links from time to time about something of little to no importance. Seeing what his life is like makes me realize how much of a loser i used to be and probably still am due to the time i spend on the computer. My friend is this kid who isn't very popular, doesn't work out, doesn't go out and spends little to no money. Basically online is the only social life he has; i mean he has friends but not like female friends and he has never gotten laid like ever, in fact he is too shy to even approach a women.

 

I on the either hand am on the verge of turning into him if i don't get laid soon. It's friday night, i have a buttload of homework to do, finals are next week and all i can think about is getting laid or at least kissing a girl. Aside from that one night were i almost scored with a fat chick, i basically haven't got laid in like months. Recently, i have decides to stop cutting my hair as well so i don't think that is helping my situation at all. Right now, i am thinking about going to this bar because that's how lonely i am.

 

Boy, being single is so hard sometimes . . .

[junebug123]

Day 45 I got laid?

 

Wow, so it has been literally 5 months since i got laid. Actually, it was a bad experience and i don't regret it but several things that happened left me very disturbed. In my last entry i talked about going to a bar, i called 2 of my friends following that: one said he was going to the movies and the other eventually called me back an hour later.

 

We ended up going to this Irish bar a couple of blocks from my house, it was karaoke night at the bar and it took me a lot of time to convince my friend to stay and chill. After several drinks we end up taking the train to this other bar in park slope where we know some friends of ours will be drinking. As soon as we get in i notice this one chick who seems kind of tipsy yet still composed, she knows my friend C and is very chatty.

 

So, i start chatting her up a bit and find out that she is 31. She has soft skin, curvy, pale skin, employed and she's educated (graduated from NYU). I am really digging her and she seems to be interested in me as well yet she is so hesitant and ends up asking me a lot of questions. 2 hours later i convince her to come back to my parents house for "cuddling". I know it was a little out of my character but it isn't often that i meet women who are so willing . . .

 

I am not going to get into details but things got really bad after she came over. Not bad in the way that she didn't want to have sex but bad in the way that she was high on cocaine and got me high as well because of all the kissing we did. I didn't know you could get high on coke by just kissing someone who did it but i guess you can because i didn't fall asleep till 7 in the morning and i was really trying to fall asleep too. Also, she was into all this kinky stuff which i didn't really like but i just went along with it to please her.

 

I feel really uncomfortable about the disclosing the details but basically it had to do with hair pulling, choking that sort of stuff. To myself i was thinking Jesus, this ***** has been in some fvcked up situations to get into this type of stuff because what guy wants to beat up on a girl he likes (maybe i am just a prude, idk)? Needless to say i did like her but i felt violated that she lied to me about the drug usage and didn't particularly like the fact that she got me high in the process.

 

Probably i will never call her or answer her calls, i mean the sex wasn't bad i actually enjoyed it and i can imagine it would have been much better without rubbers, but the drug thing is just disgusting. It makes me think twice about picking up women at bars, also she smoked and my room smelled like cigarettes after she left, which i also didn't like.

[junebug123]

Im Stressed

 

I feel like everytime i meet women, they are either crazy or bad for me. Am i unlucky or attracted to these types of women? I can't ever remember being with a women who didn't have serious issues, and i understand that all people have issues but maybe i am just deluding myself. Maybe these women don't have issues, maybe i am just scared of commitment.

 

Well, i know the last two women had problems one with alcohol abuse the other with substance abuse. Yet the ones before that seemed normal enough, I do agree that i met those women in bars and that could increase my likelihood of meeting women with substance problems. However, i am not good at pickin women up in normal situations, i feel like a creep and stuff. I remember all throughout junior highschool and the beginning of highschool i was afraid to hit on girls my age because i felt like it was wrong or something.

 

When you are young, we get all these mixed signals about what is okay and what is no okay. I know i've been told plenty of times to respect women, don't touch them in their private areas, blah blah blah. It's not until you get older that you realize how that statement only applies to women who don't want to be touched or harassed, but there are other women who are interested in that type of physical attention and they want to be touched, and kissed in a way that normally men wouldn't be allowed to. Yet, you need to be like socially aware or socially intelligent to figure this out on your own.

 

It's even harder to figure these things out if you have no male role models encouraging you to touch, talk to and approach women. I don't know why i am talking about this, i suppose i am trying to do my homework and i am have trouble focusing because i am thinking about that girl i slept with yesterday. Sometimes i think to myself its better not to get involved so i won't have to carry these feelings with me. I can't handle all these feelings, they overwhelm me and i don't know what to do with myself . . .

 

Sometimes i wish that i could just sleep with women and forget about it, my body is like this stupid machine which requires so much of me and then leaves me with the burden of my emotions. Emotions like guilt, lust, anger, greed, envy. Emotions i wish i didn't have to deal with, and when i start getting involved with women these emotions start to become harder and harder for me to control. Ugh i hate these feelings i wish they would go away so i could just focus on my school work.

 

This is like when i am studying at starbucks and these hot girls will start looking at me, distracting me. I like the attention, but honestly i am not going to pick them up or anything so why do they bother to look at me? Woe is my life.

[junebug123]

"I'm a business owner and usually handing out your card is just a networking process. It's a little strange to just hand your card, tell them very little about your company and leave - but maybe the guy is socially awkward and was intimidated by your pretty girlfriend. It is definitely a compliment to you for a male to consider your girlfriend attractive. Or, possibly he was trying to be mysterious so she would be like "oh I have to call this guy & figure out what this is all about!"

 

You can't blame HER for a man trying to hit on her, she is NOT responsible for his actions nor could she prevent them. If he had hit on her and she caught on to it, and now she's on cloud 9 over it - it's because as a female that's a huge ego boost and if you've been in a long term relationship it renews your thoughts of yourself, like "oh- other men other than my boyfriend still find me attractive!"

 

If nothing comes of it, I wouldn't worry about it. Since she told you there isn't more than anything surface level and she may have told you just for that reaction and for you to SEE her again, that other men DO find her attractive still and you should tell her she IS beautiful and you don't blame the guy for thinking so too!"

 

 

 

I am just quotting this off a thread i recently posted in. It reminds me of something, one thing actually. Women, they love to ****ing argue even if what they are arguing about has nothing to do with them and they have nothing to gain from arguing. I'm not going to put the posters name or the thread but basically, what is the point anyways, just give someone more attention on top of the fact that they are attention whoring.

 

I have been posting a lot lately on ENA, its because everything is going to ****. You think i was doing good in one class then the other professor back stabs me and gives me zero on 2 late assignments ***. He said we had until wednesday to turn **** in and now he is just doing whatever and being a b1tch azz. Well, i had only 1 beer but now i am going to watch game of thrones and hope that this episode doesn't suck like my weekend did. FVCK YOU WEEKEND YOU FVCKING SUCK!

 

After reading this and realizing i sound like a drunken idiot, i realized that i still don't give a sh1t and i'm going to leave this up because that's how i am feeling right now and its my journal and everyone can go to hell for all i care.

[junebug123]

Day 48 I hate New York

 

After waiting nearly 7 - 8 months to get the results of my cert of relief for my jail sentences, i find that the judge just flat out denied me. I don't know if there is an appeals process but the amount of red tape you have to do in order to get anything done in NY is so fvcking gay. It gets to the point where some fat, highly paid dude in some office passes judgement on me without ever having seen my face . . . My only representative some overworked blacked parole officer who hates her job, and miss places paper work constantly.

 

It reminds me of the book i read by Franz Kafka called the "Trial", where the main character is on trial for a crime he isn't aware he committed and yet he keeps getting trouble but isn't aware of what he is doing or saying that is getting him in trouble. HE feels like there is some sort of conspiracy theory with everyone, his lawyer, the judge, the district attorney yet he has no proof. What is even more troubling is that others are conspiring against him based on his troubles with the law, i think he loses his job and all this stuff (i forget its been so long). Now, i feel like reading that book again. I could tell you what happens in the end but i'll let you read it for yourself.

 

Also, i got another document from dept. of labor, they are sending me these notices like every 2 weeks i think to have my professor sign some letter. I am thinking of forging it but i am nervous they have some expert who checks the signatures and verifies with the school. My classes are over for now and i only have like 500 dollars left on my account anyways, i think maybe its whatever at this point and i will let them deny my case and stuff.

 

My room is a mess, i need to do laundry, i have 2 finals and 1 ilab to complete. I am nervous about both finals and this semester has been really hard on me. Taking 2 advanced classes was really difficult and i am thinking of taking the summer off again, yet i want to graduate soon. I need to get a new job, i feel like my world is falling apart, right now too many things are happening and i don't want to participate in any of it. I know my stress load will be less once i finish those finals but damn, those finals! They are going to be so hard and i am going to be on the computer for at least 6 hours combined completing both of them. The thought alone is frighting, in once class its the difference between an A and a C. In another its the difference between a B and a D. Either way i will pass both of them, hopefully . . .

[junebug123]

Now i know i am a fvcking ADDict

 

IT finally happened. My internet got cut off from the wireless connection i was leeching off of for so long. I have been going through a very serious withdrawal phase where i think i've actually got really emotional at times. Now that i am on a break from classes it doesn't matter but i feel so empty inside like i don't know what to do with my time.

 

I should be looking for an internship or take this opportunity to get back on the ball with my programming but like an idiot, i am in my living room using my parents internet connection while they are at work. I must be a kid trapped inside of a man's body because who fvcking does this type of stuff. MY head is pounding from last night, i drank 2 24 ozs of beer back to back.

 

Every time i get drunk i get horny and i even thought about calling up that girl i slept with recently. Man, its like sometimes i don't care how the girl looks, what her life style is like as long as i know i can get laid. Maybe men in general are so primitive, we just like getting it in like it was some need or something, yet once we bust one off its like we couldn't care less.

 

I've thought about my sex life over the past 2 years and it has been horrid. I haven't had a serious relationship in any of the women i've slept with and i realize that's what i am missing. I realize how none of the encounters i had are of any meaning and i think i am ready to be committed to someone. S has been calling me up recently and maybe she will be able to help me get over this other girl which has been bothering my thoughts as of late. The prospect of getting laid again is so tempting i wish these thoughts would go away.

 

Also, i started dreaming about my bike mechanic who is a lesbian. I always flirt with her because i feel safe knowing that she won't catch feelings for me, yet i wish i could be this way with other girls. The truth is i have this big crush on her (the bike mechanic), the other day she gave me with big discount on the labor for this crank set which i needed to replace. One of the guys at the shop said it was 45 dollars yet she only charged me 21 dollars!

 

I was really excited and even protested like that's too low but she said she they didn't have to do as much work as they thought they would. Also, i have this weird thing about going down on girls. I don't know why i am writing this because it is very personal but it made me realize something interesting. There are girls i have slept with but never went down on because i wasn't attracted to them at all. Any other girls i have slept with which i really liked and i really liked going down on them because i just thought they were so hot.

 

Summer is here, i can't wait to go to the beach and check out more hotties. I need to get those plates today and i feel like i might get laid soon because that other girl was good practice and now i feel more confident in myself to be able to approach women

[junebug123]

Feeling Grounded again?

 

A lot has happened since i last wrote in this journal. I got those plates i wanted so now i am lifting 40 pounds each dumb bell for chest and 30 for curls, who knew lifting metal could be so easy?

 

In handball today i played the best i have in a long long time, leaving every person i played in singles under 10 points and winning 2 doubles games, all games being played one after another.

 

This weekend i went to Pennsylvania but it sucked because we got all these booze and burgers and stuff. I made an exception about the meat thing just for this trip but i ended up feeling worst afterwards. This weekend made me realize more than ever that it doesn't matter what activity you do if you don't do it with good friends it just won't be enjoyable.

 

I bailed on my friend simon because of this PA trip, we promised to go to Jersey on bike on preparation for our bike tour coming up and now i am realizing how much i regret doing that. I finished putting all the necessary parts on my bike too, it was a little big before.

 

Playing starcraft again because i have nothing better to do in between classes and i learned something very very important. My hotkeys for protoss races were really stupid, i would hotkey 0 for nuexes and didn't even bother to hotkey my gateways causing me to lose 10 out of 12 games (-D) rating. Funny how in handball i am a C+, -B but in starcraft i can never get above D+ . . . I always look down at C- players excepting more of them thinking damn this game isn't that fvcking hard how come they suck so much, yet i bet the starcraft players think the same thing about me in starcraft, lol.

 

Was expecting more from game of thrones but it has been a kind of a let down lately. Shaved my beard i am just rocking a mustache and some hair under by bottom lip with 2 sideburns, i think i looked kind of like a clown but a sexy clown with a tan and some muscles. The weekend was really bad because the next day and the one after that i was feeling anxious from all the drinking but now i have to go because i am feeling anxious all of a sudden.

 

I think i wanted to write how changing my hotkey from 0 to 4 dramatically improved my Starcraft game, its funny how sometimes the small changes make the biggest difference. Also its funny how i improved in both starcraft and handball today! It feels great to surpass a plateau ( i can never spell that word right either! ), maybe i will reach that with my reading as well. Recently i finished the next book in 2 weeks. I am worried thou about how so much improvement will lead to impending disaster . . . such are my patterns.

[junebug123]

Feeling kind of depressed right now. SOO much is hanging in the air i am uncomfortable, i need to get in contact with unemployment to see how to resolve this issue. Really i think i need to find a job to be honest. I don't want to get into another internship to have them screw me over like before. Playing starcraft was a bad idea and even thou i am having fun with it i kind of regret making that decision to pick it up again.

 

So much of what we do with our time changes the way our brain functions. You get used to a certain behavior all of a sudden you think its normal, that, that behavior is a natural part of life because no one is regulating what you can and cannot do. Kids think growing up think that yelling at people is okay because their parents do it to them and no one ever punishes their parents, so when they get older they yell at people and their own kids as well. Same thing with hitting and drugs, kids learn so much from their parents, every-time you try to judge someone don't judge them based on who they are as an individual; just realize that they are a product of their parents and in reality you should be judging their parents for teaching the kid bad things.

 

I find myself criticizing too much and i got into trouble today on a stream online, where someone ignored me because of the comments i was making. There are so many situations where i don't realize i am doing negative and inconsiderate things because to me its normal. I figure if i get treated this way then other people should be used to it, only i don't realize how others see me as being insensitive and mean.

 

Recently, i sprained my wrist, i am not sure if its from lifting too much weight, playing starcraft or playing to much handball. Its probably all three. I think there was something i wanted to say but now that i am writing i have this strange writers block. Sometimes i wonder why the tone of my writing is all the same placid mood over and over, like how can people stand to read this drivel. I read other people's journals and i am surprised by how animated and exciting they are, well not all of them but for the most part its enjoyable to me.

 

When i look at my own writing i just feel like its all the same. The same color like its all grey and sometimes i would rather write in another tone, or texture but it seems that my mind is 1 dimensional. I really want to date someone this summer, i don't even care about getting laid anymore. Also, karate class has been very exciting for me as of late. I feel like i am part of something greater than myself. That feeling of belonging that you get when you are working, or taking a class, i think that's what i am missing. That is why i am so empty inside constantly, i want to have that feeling again because i certainly don't feel like i am part of this family . . .

 

Oh yeah, my step dad's father is having a party in long island, boy that's going to suck. I hate being in those situations, its so fvcking annoying, i don't even know why i agreed to go and now i feel like changin my fvcking mind because fvck! I rather play handball with S or something i know she is going to fvcking call me too, maybe its better i keep blowing her off anyways, it seems that she is so into me now that i have been giving her the cold shoulder. Girls are stupid like that, it gets on my nerves sometimes because i don't know why anyone would bother with something as transparent as the female emotion.

 

I mean, maybe i am the same way with my dogs, its like i miss them but too much and i get annoyed. I guess there has to be a balance with everything in life, who knows.

[junebug123]

Friday night i am a home alone playing video games like a loser. Maybe i will go out who knows, i just know that everytime i roll the dice i usually end up not winning; sometimes i wonder to myself why keep taking chances if probability of winning is so slim. Maybe that's what makes us human, the fact that we keep preserving even thou we know that the likely hood of finding someone out there isn't that great.

 

I am wondering if i am going to end this entry with a . . . or this time just a single dot

[junebug123]

It finally happened

 

I got to the point where i was online for so long that i didn't know what to do on the computer any more.

 

Also, since the last time i posted i slept with another girl. It was actually the same girl who played me before and i regret sleeping with her, the sex was really bad . . . and her body was even worse, there are some images i may never get out of my mind.

 

I am swearing off all ugly chicks for now, i think i am done with easy sex for a while. It's just not worth it, you think its all good when you are horny but during sex you realize how depressing it all is. Not to mention you aren't doing yourself a favor by having sex with this unattractive person either, in fact you are boosting their egos and god only knows what they will tell their friends about you afterwards. Also, seeing them in public is awkward as fvck. Sometimes i really hate myself.

 

Lately, i haven't felt motivated to write or even to read much, maybe i will say it again, "I feel really depressed." I don't know what is missing in my life right now, my neck has been bothering me for some time as well. Maybe its love which is missing. I keep trying to replace love with computer, handball, sex, and bikes. The hole gets bigger each time. Why is it so hard for me to pick up girls outside of bars, i never know what to do in those types of situations. I keep thinking to myself, we aren't in a bar how can i flirt with them?!

 

O brother . . .