This is just a Jorunal that i am starting to track my behavior and triggers.

[junebug123]

11:19 am, sitting on my computer, a **** load of homework is needed to be done and all i can think about it playing starcraft. What is wrong with me, my urge to play starcraft is so great what is the motivation behind that urge. I think the motivation is to feel important. I think the motivation behind everything i have been doing which is self destructive is to feel important. These short term effects don't last long especially when you log on and lose, then you feel even more unimportant before you started playing, also how am i going to be a programmer if i am too busy playing starcraft, my whole life is going down the ****ter and all i can think about doing is playing starcraft.

[junebug123]

Guys, tomorrow its my birthday. I have been learning a lot through my experiences with books, people and life in general. I spent the latter part of the day just hanging out drinking fruit shakes, working out in my room, playing starcraft, having fun basically. Life is very exciting, i feel like ever since i stopped that god awful internship, well i have been feeling better. It has provided me with more time to exercise, eat right, relax and soon i am even thinking of getting a part time job.

 

My friend, one of my close friends was telling me that he is taking a really hard programming class which requires the use of SQL/Java/C++ and its suppose to be like really hard. He showed me this entrance exam and i doubt that even i could pass it. You had to write like 7 programs from scratch in 3 different programming languages. Also, there is this website i have been checking out link removed. It's really interesting, lately all i have been thinking about is programming and i can't wait till my books come in the mail. I feel like i finally found my goal in life, so many people go through life living like they are lost in a big world. After finding out what i want to do for the rest of my life, the world seems so simple and almost it feels like i am at the center of it. Rather then the feeling of being lost and helpless in a big scary confusing world. There is nothing that is better then feeling like you are at the center of your universe.

 

We go through life constantly testing and playing with new ideas and concepts until we find something we love and we try to master those ideas and concepts. I love my health and i love my video games, i want to create video games and share that joy with people. I like the idea of using a computer as a medium in which to display art. You can add sound, illustration, video, story i mean what more do you need. The best part is that the world of computer science is constantly evolving and changing, unlike psychology or literature which can be either really slow and dull or remain at a constant. Grammar never changes, nouns well they are what they are, once you master the art of creating sentences you can only rearrange words to create more sentences so basically its like computers only instead of ones and zeros you are dealing with words. However with computers ones and zeros can do so much more than words can, as paradoxical as that sounds you start to realize how much faster ones and zeros can be written and read through a processor and how many more people can write and read ones and zeros then could read a word printed in a book or a newspaper.

 

With a computer your thoughts and ideas are instantly sent throughout the entire world in a beat of a heart, they can be shaped into sounds, images, colors, they can be loving, hateful, they can inform or misinform, they can do damage or create worlds for others to experience. Ever since i was a small boy playing Sonic the Hedgehog or Duck Duck, or Mike Tyson's Punch OUT, i have always wondered how is it possible for them to create such images which i had control over? Now i know --> its programming, now i know how bill gates made his millions --> programming, now i know how Linux was created and why it was created --> bill gates greedy ass.

 

Anyways, i could go on writing but i think i am having an anxiety attack because i drank this energy shake and now i have all this energy and i am listening to all this weird music "So flows the Current", by Patrick O'hearn. I am going to watch Spartacus now and do another 40 push ups. My arms are already a little sore thou ****, its already the 29 th happy birthday me! I am 27 years old, wow in 3 years i am going to be 30, these are going to be the most exciting years of my life. In 1 year i am going to graduate college, and i can spend the next 2 years looking for a job related to programming. Also, i am looking forward to getting my Masters Degree. Man i am not looking to paying school loans thou

[junebug123]

So for my birthday my family and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. We actually had fun, also it was my last day eating meat. Since i have started eating vegetables, i feel like i have more energy, i am finally having regular bowel movements, i feel lighter on my feet, less bloated and my mood is generally more positive. What convinced me to make the switch was watching this movie/documentary called 'Forks over Knives', it literally changed the way i viewed my body and what i put in it. Some of the information in the movie is truly astounding and heart breaking, some of the information related to cancer and meat consumption was very shocking. If you haven't seen it, i suggest you go see it.

 

Funny thing is how my father's family criticizes me now for choosing not to eat meat, whats worse is forcing yourself to constantly abstain from meat consumption. For example, after playing handball in china town (i was playing 2 kids by myself, its called handicapped, but of course they weren't that experienced, they were athletic thou), needless to say i was very exhausted after the match. My body was craving food and all i could see around me was meat, meat and more meat. Finally i decided to go to this restaurant i ordered a bean/rice soup with some vegetable dumplings. Not 5 minutes after i finished eating i was feeling lively and energized again, usually when i eat meat it would take my body a long time to digest the food and i would feel tired and sleepy from eating. Unfortunately the vegetable servings didn't have as many calories in it so probably within a span of about 3 to 4 hours later i was hungry again, with meat it would probably have taken me like 5 or 6 hours before i needed to eat again. I remember walking by poppies and seeing this kid with a giant piece of fried chicken in his hand and thinking, dam what i would do to bite into that.

 

The news gets better, after being sick of tired of watching streaming movies stutter and having flash player crash twice, i decided to reformat my hard drive to its factory form. I wanted to get rid of all the unnecessary programs and applications loading up my computer, and also to get rid of the spyware which slows your computer down as well. My step-father suggested that i use a virtual box to run Linux and go to questionable sites like that, this way i don't get the spyware and even if i do i can always create another operating system on the virtual box. I wouldn't suggest this option unless you have a Quad Core CPU like me, a regular computer/old computer would be significantly slowed down by trying to run 2 Operating Systems on less than 8 Gigs of Ram (LOL). Since formatting the hard drive i find myself doing school work more often due to star-craft not being installed, also the internship motivated me to use my time more productively, instead of playing handball or moping around at home i stay at Starbucks frequently till about 8 o'clock everyday even if i am tired. I am finding that more often then not, getting tired isn't an excuse to run home and take a nap or eat food and shower to play video games like i would normally do.

 

Well the other part is the fact that i haven't told my mother that i quit the internship, i don't plan on telling her and it actually works out for both of us, for me cause i don't have to worry about her complaining and obsessing over me when i am in the house, and for my mother because she thinks i am doing something productive with my time (which i actually am in all reality). The internship also showed me something which never occurred to me before. It made me realize how valuable your time is, oftentimes i have been in jobs that i hated because i needed the money, but when you are working for free you realize that there really isn't any incentive in staying at that place. People let money cloud their judgement too often, rather then looking for another job where they will be happy or more productive in living up to their potential, they get way laid with these crummy jobs because they feel as thou they have no choice. Yes its true that the average person has to make a living and many of them have no alternatives, however even if that was the case there are many people who simply refuse to look for other jobs while they are currently working, i was one of those people for far too long. It was bad enough that i hated the boss at the company i was interning at, he would make me do remedial tasks constantly and embarrass me in front of the other workers, yet in the past those situations also happened yet i did nothing about it because i needed the job.

 

These situations make me realize more and more how employers take advantage of people everyday, i am thinking more and more of becoming a consultant or starting my own business. Education gives you power, a lot of it. Anyways i have to go for now, lets see how long i can keep these good vibrations going knowing my luck not for long, yet if i build the foundation for the future i will surely not fall to far from grace

 

Juan

[junebug123]

I beat everyone in handball today, even people i wasn't suppose to be got beaten. I think i surprised myself, i am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that i have been working out, or that i am more relaxed on the courts, or that people are rusty at not having played handball during the winter time. Either way i feel like i did good, now i just have to start getting better with my left hand.

 

After handball i went to starbucks to study, i think i did some work but ultimately i have been having problems focusing. This is a re-occurring issue, maybe i won't be able to be a programmer because of my focusing problems. I mean it doesn't really affect me when i am genuinely interested in learning its just my attitude sucks when it comes to learning things i am not interested in. What is worse is my attitude when it comes to studying in general, i was suppose to be going to the library and studying programming/school work for 6 - 7 hours a day but instead i am playing handball and studying for like 1 hour and getting bored.

 

Right now my family is moving all our stuff out of the house to get it sprayed. I just got into a fight with my step dad because he was acting like an idiot as usual. My mom asked him what the problem was, and he responded that i was being dis respectable so he had to make sure that nobody could talk to him like that. Meanwhile the guy is going off on a barrage, shouting all this bs and eventually when i leave he results to cursing. Its easy to get him worked up, people view that as a weakness and nobody respects a man who is constantly acting like a women. Then he wonders why i disrespect his ass, because he is acting like a b1tch. I mean when someone is like loosing their cool for nothing, and instead of trying to talk the problem out and gets lit up about a very small matter, what are others to think of them? Are they acting like a mature adult, or like a 4 year old?

 

Anyways, i want to install Virtual Box so i can continue to watch Spartacus, i know all i do is play handball and watch Spartacus, i talk big about learning to program but here i am wasting my best years away. Oh well such is life.

[junebug123]

This weekend was crazy, i decided to go to the Poconos with my parents (they own a home up there), problem was there was no water (they didn't pay the bill) and we couldn't use the bathrooms for the entire time. At one point i decided to poop on a tree and the dog was crazy with hunger decided to eat my poop. I know that sounds very disturbing, we brought my sisters a dog "clyde" who is an American Pit-bull about 6 human years old, he is very fit and healthy. The problem is that he doesn't like to eat dry food and my sisters' man spoiled him with wet canned dog food, now he refuses to eat regular food. Since that moment i have been scared to poop outside in fear that the dog would eat it again and this morning things were a little crazy because everyone had to poop.

 

Anyways, i have been working on my C++ using this program called bloodshed's compiler but it hasn't been very good. Also, i have to do all this homework and lately i haven't been able to focus very much on doing homework as of late. We had fun in terms of some of the places we went to eat and also in terms of just being together for the weekend and hanging out like a family.

 

Before going on the trip i was playing handball with my left hand a lot, something i noticed about playing handball was that i was getting a lot better. Although i missed playing a lot being that there were no courts out here. I have to go for now because i have all this homework which needs to be done so maybe ill finish this entry later.

[junebug123]

So, i came home and my taxes came in. Turns out i am getting 27 hundred dollars back, i know its mainly because i am paying tuition but even so its nice to see that money in the bank, otherwise i probably would have got a little over a G with state and federal. I am thinking of getting a part-time job, i only have like 3 months till my unemployment runs out and i don't want to bother waiting around for the worse, plus i am bored at home or just bored in general. Ideally it would be nice for me to get a part time internship programming but of course i have to apply a lot and i suck at that.

 

Also, i did my fasfa, and i recently installed ubuntu (linux OS) on my virtual box as well as Visual Studio which is said to have a very good compiler. Better than that Dev's Bloodshed **** i was using, also visual studio allows for usage in SQL server as well as other programming languages so that's always nice, and i think it has some learning content on it too.

 

Things seem good right now, i have been trying to work on my anxiety problem, i bought two more books from amazon but now i feel like i have all these books which i am never going to read, lol. I need to stop buying books and start reading them, its like my weights i was also buying weights and hardly using them, now i use them a little more often and actually i think i have been seeing some results just in terms of how big my arms look as of late, although i am not working out as vigorously as i used to.

 

Here is an article i read about anxiety

 

in my experience anxiety can sometimes be triggered when there is too much mental stimulation... reading or studying might be mentally stimulating enough for you to trigger anxiety feelings... when you are reading or in a library, it is hard to distract yourself from the sensations that you are experiencing, and so you probably find it hard to ignore them, then worry about them and so they increase... they increase and so you start to panic about what might happen... its a bit of a visious circle!

 

That disconnecting thing that you experience... thats perfectly normal for people who suffer from anxiety... its a self-protective way for the brain to decrease the experience of fear, by removing itself from the situation... this might be helpful in a place where having fear is appropriate (like being attacked by a lion), but it doesnt help us, of course, when we are just having panic attacks for no reason! You are not alone with these experiences!

 

The best way i know how to control these experiences is by not trying to control them, but doing the opposite... encourage them! That sounds stupid? let me explain...

If you try to stop these sensations, you imediately focus in on them and so they intensify... its like telling someone not to spill a drink... imediately they tense up and watch the cup, and start shaking etc... instead, say to yourself "i'm going to allow myself to have anxiety"... give yourself permission to be anxious... allow it to happen... relax and allow yourself to fully experience your sensations, and your worries, and your thoughts... allow it all to happen... let it wash over you... you'll find that it carries on briefly and then it loses its energy and fizzles out... you'll start to relax and the tension will subside...

 

if this all sounds crazy to you, then i encourage you to give it a try at home first, where you are in a totally safe environment... it takes a bit of courage to allow yourself to experience your feelings, especially if they are feelings that you dont like...

 

its not a case of 'resigning' yourself to having anxiety, its just a case of 'accepting' things as they are... accepting yourself for who you are and what you are experiencing... only then, when you accept it for what it is, can you start to work on addressing the anxiety and reducing your symptoms.

 

give it a go,

and always try to relax... breath slowly, relax...

 

link removed

 

My biggest fear right now is that things can go from good to worst but of course that is why i have anxiety because of all of these fears. I actually tried some of the techniques mentioned in the article and it has been helping me a lot, rather then fighting the anxiety i just allow myself to feel it and let it pass, in the past i used to get very worked up by it because it felt so unnatural and didn't know what to do about the mental annoyance. I guess if i had to compare that feeling to something i could compare it to, and (forgive me if this is weird but its the best thing i can think of at the moment) a young lady's first sexual encounter and the fear of a foreign object entering her vagina. I once saw this show about this girl who couldn't have sex because she kept involuntary clenching her vagina muscles preventing the penis from entering her, well of course she and her boyfriend were both very frustrated and i think it took several weeks of therapy for her to over come this fear. That is what i feel like about my anxiety, some foreign feeling entering my body and rather then just accepting it and letting it pass, well i am fighting it like crazy which makes the anxiety worse.

 

Well, i have to make breakfast for now. I'll talk to you later Journal

[junebug123]

I spent my entire day from about 5:45 pm to a 1:36 am just being online and doing nothing. Granted i did some things today like going to my school and figuring out about whether or not i could change my concentration and found out i would have to go to Jersey. Also faxed some form to the dept of labor showing that i was going to school so i could keep collecting. I am noticing lately that in order to be smart you have to study, like a lot. I don't do a lot of that, but i want to change my habits. Last night i stayed up watching an Sanford course in C++ programming and another course from MIT in programming which deals with using python.

 

Something i noticed, was the course work required was about 9 hours a week minimum. I thought to myself, well i probably would not be a straight A student at MIT because i believe there is more to life then just studying all day long. As it is i barely study 2 to 3 hours a day, imagine 9 hours for 1 class, Jesus this means that people at MIT are studying like all the fvcking time. Can you imagine taking 3 classes per semester where 1 class is requiring about 9 hours of course work a week, that means that you would still need to do about 10 to 15 hours about for other classes, 19 - 24 total hours a week of studying. This doesn't include the time spent in class. Total during the week the average person is awake about 84 hours a week, subtract 30 for eating and bathroom stuff, subtract 25 for exercise and socialization, that leaves you with about 30 hours. So this would mean studying all the time.

 

Wow. so that's why successful people do so well in the world because they commit so much of their time to achieving the goals they set for themselves. I have found that oftentimes people aren't necessary smarter or sexier or more athletic then others, it just depends on how they choose to spend their time. Sarah Jessica Parker is a perfect example of this: i think the women is ugly, but hey she is an actress and she always wear nice clothes and seen in social situations so that makes her seem beautiful to the average person.

 

No, i am not going to bother editing this.

[junebug123]

So i am in starbucks today after playing some handball. I need to actually stay here in order to complete work for school and study like i said i would. Something i learned this morning is the cause and effect factor of following my impulses. Well, i don't know if i had mentioned this earlier but basically i have this issue with chronically masturbating, and when it gets really bad i can basically masturbate 3 to 4 times at night, at least once in the morning and this isn't including the 1 or 2 times during the afternoon. Basically its a lot of masturbating unnecessary and this same horniness affects me at the work place as well, causing me to get distracted easily by female co-workers. I find myself getting so lost in these addictions that at times its like i wonder who is in control me or my penis?

 

Today however, i made a break through, i know this sounds strange and i kind of regret writing a lot of this already but basically i was unconsciously touching myself during the morning and i was getting the feeling of wanting to release. Jesus this is getting x-rated, anyhow i decided well i am not going to do it, and then i was really struggling with my self debating over and over again as to the benefits or consequences of not masturbating. These same compulsions happen to affect aspects of my: drinking alcohol, eating, caffeine and other stimulant consumption. Oftentimes i am so compulsive almost to the point of wanting not to drink/eat/jack off/play video games but always am at a lose choosing not to indulge or just not knowing what else to do in the situation. I don't want to make this comparison because it is sick yet, there are so many cases of people who have accidentally seriously injured others and decided that rather than take responsibility for their actions they: decided to cover up the truth by killing their victims as a last resort. I understand that jacking off isn't the same as killing somehow but, sometimes i feel like i am killing myself by choosing not to deal with the repercussions of: not jacking off, not drinking, not using stimulants and in all reality is dealing with myself that bad?

 

At some point in my life, i decided to escape from my problems by using instant gratification as a way of covering up the pain. Now, i have been covering up or escaping reality for so long that its hard to imagine what dealing with reality would be like. If those killers could go back in time and decide not to kill their victim and simply confess, well would they, given the same pressure and fears? Ultimately why is it less fearful to take a human life then to take responsibility, what experiences have they faced which were so hard that they couldn't bare to face them again? What is it about my life that makes me constantly result to escapism by allowing my decisions to be based on compulsions rather then rational thought. What would happen if i choose not to indulge in my: compulsions, anxiety, computer addiction; well maybe I'd be faced with the situation of having to deal with myself? Is that so bad, anyways I'm continue the story of what happened this morning now that i went off on a 100 word tangent.

 

Somehow, i managed to not jack off this morning, and guess what? nothing bad happened, my penis didn't fall off, the world didn't stop, and eventually the horniness feeling went away after about 3 or 4 minutes. I was surprised at myself especially because not more then 5 minutes ago the only thing i could focus on was getting the release and relaxation which follows. Same thing with my anxiety as of late, i just allow it myself to feel anxious, and it passes too as with everything else. I suppose in my mind my compulsions are not to be rationalized with, they are thoughts and patterns which have been a dominating factor in my life for so long that sometimes i simple refuse to believe that i can deny myself the privilege of giving in to them on a constant basis.

 

This isn't to say that compulsions are bad of course, they are good for a great deal of other things like having sex with a girl for one, defending yourself if attacked, being competitive in a sport, expressing your frustrations about a situation. It is only when these sorts of compulsions start to take a hold over your life and alter your ability to make rational decisions, as in my case that they can be considered negative. In my past i have relied too much on my compulsions in order to survive, in order to function, and now it's like i am afraid to let go of them especially when they are not benefiting my behavior on a long term basis.

 

This journal is the first step i have taken relative to healing my state of mind. Imagine that you have a problem but have no idea how to go about fixing it and this problem is so complicated and vast that no matter how long you research or bother talking to others, no one person has seemed to provide a solution for you.

[junebug123]

I feel like today is the beginning of my life. Why am i saying this, well you could say that i discovered something which has been out of my reach for many many years. What is this thing i have discovered? Its called focus.

 

Many people might not know this about me, i was diagnosed with schizophrenia 3 years ago and was committed to a mental hospital for a period of over a month. It was very hard to get me released and the hospital wanted me to become a ward of the state. 5 years ago i was arrested more than 9 times for possession of a legal substance. From the ages of 12 to 16 i went to therapy on and off which has never helped me with my problems. I have had many thoughts of killing myself, killing others, hurting others, hurting myself throughout the years. For several years i heard voices. At one point i became so paranoid that i thought people were talking about me constantly in front of me and feared for my life every waking moment. I would get such bad anxiety attacks that i would have to breathe into a paper bag to calm down. I have blacked out from alcohol consumption more times then i can remember which is over 30 times. I have experimented with more than 15 types of controlled substances ranging from uppers, to downers, to cocaine, heroin, mushrooms, weed, hash, methadon, etc. I have had 2 mental break downs.

 

Strangely even though all of this stuff has had a serious impact on my central nervous system, my sleep patterns, my mental stability, my ability to focus. It seems that i have come a long long way from those dark days when i didn't care about whether i lived or died. Lately it seems i have been able to live in the moment and not worry about the future. I am not sure what has trigger this, maybe its a combination of everything, from working out, to eating healthier, not being a stressful situations, feeling good about myself, reading and learning. I used to be the type of person who would wait for the train and literally be going crazy anxiety waiting and waiting for it to come. In a 5 hour class i would be counting down the minutes, leaving the class room every hour or so to get air, going on the internet to check other things, not paying attention to the lecture. In handball games I would get so worked up about the game and get angry constantly for making simple mistakes. Basically its a miserable life which deals with hating every situation and wanting the next one or waiting for the next situation to be better. Lately thou, i have just been enjoying my time, letting things ride and enjoying the ride.

 

I'll get in the train and ill see people for the first time, or relax and just look out the window or focus on something. I don't need to read a book, or listen to music, or play a video game. I don't need any distractions, i can just be myself for once and just enjoy the moment. I can get on the platform after a 5 hour class and wait and just enjoy my experience without worrying about what i am going to do when i get home. I am living each moment as it exists, i have given up on worrying about what the future will bring or what my life will be like in 5 years.

[junebug123]

Over the past two days i stayed up late playing this game called path to exile and now i have the jitters and homework is backed up. I am understanding the pattern now. This whole journal is created to understand my triggers and my patterns. Its almost like my left hand when i am typing i never practice using any fingers other than the index finger on my left hand hence it is so weak.

 

I am sorry i am getting off topic, so back to what i was saying. What has been happening is that when i am feeling good i get confident and don't maintain those good feelings with good behaviors. The rationality being that i am temporary cured like an alcoholic who has been clean for a week without a drink, he believes that he can still drink with moderation because his 1 week history. In fact he doesn't believe that he will regress, so he decides to have a drink only to start the cycle again, of pain and then healing. What he never practices is prevention.

 

I need to start practicing those types of thought patterns in order to stay clean from my computer addiction. Man, it was only the other day which i was feeling like this was so easy to turn your mind off and on and i feel like that switch is a heavy lever and i don't have the strength to lift it. It would be sad if all my journal entries continued in this manner of emotional waves, there is no stability no time spans which elapse a week of continued good behavior.

[junebug123]

Well today i am writing because i am sitting in starbucks and this cute girl is like staring at me a lot. Strangely i a m not sure what to do about the whole situation because frankly i am just shy and the other problem is that i am too nervous to actually go over and approach her to say hi or something to that degree. I am wondering why these women are bothering me when i am just trying to work on my school stuff and in stead of doing that i am playing like a fvcking who can look away first with cute girls. Maybe i was cursed to have like the ability to attract women but not the ability to actually take these encounters anywhere.

 

Well the other problem is that i have low self esteem and sometimes i wonder why this is because there are many other guys which are far less capable then i and they seem to all do exceeding well when it comes to talking to women. In almost every aspect of my life i am aggressive, when it comes to sports, when it deals to working hard, when it comes to working out, when it comes to completing school work, but in the respect of women i graciously lose out like every-time because frankly i just don't have the nerves or the experience to take this encounters anywhere.

 

What i am suppose to do, calmly walk over to her table and say hello? Hi, i saw you watching me i was wonder if you had a name. Oh that's nice my name is blah blah, well maybe sometime in the near future we could meet up again when i wasn't as busy and maybe get something to eat? All these formalities why even bother doing that, i don't even like going out to eat, its so nerve racking i rather just invite her to my house for like beers, movie and then casual sex afterwards. Well maybe some would find that too forward and then where would we go from that point? Some of these organizations when it deals to relationships are so complicated.

 

I feel like i need to get a hair cut or something to that degree and lately i need to work out as well because the other day i bought some pants from like models and i could barely fit in them or at least they felt tight on me. It was really heart breaking and i was getting all like miserable about the expericne in general. Don't expect to see any commas in this because i was just trying to release some excess anxiety and i wrote it all really quickly with just looking at the keys and not worrying about punctuation or grammar.

 

----

 

I continued to keep writing because unfortunately i got really anxious almost to the point of not being able to complete the rest of my school work. Right now i feel like my blood is boiling and every nerve is jumping up and down. Frankly it gets to the point at times when i feel like this feeling is disabling. I'll talk a little about what happen and why i got distracted in the first place so that you can better understand what exactly it is that i am going through at the current moment.

 

I was working on my database assignment which consisted of creating 12 tables with columns and rows and constrains such as primary key and foreign key. What happened is that i got frustrated because even though i was making progress, i felt as if i wasn't making enough progress in the time granted. Okay, i just decided i didn't want to talk about it but now i realize what happened.

 

My brain was working faster then my hands and eventually it was going so fast that i didn't know how to stop it or slow down. I should have been aware of the activity going on and tried to slow down my thinking process to work in sync with the actual progress of the assignment. So basically i was stuck on a problem like 1+1= and i got so worked up about trying to figure out the answer that i went into a full blown panic attack and got distracted by everything surrounding me that i soon forgot what i was doing or why i was doing it and just wanted to leave to escape the feeling but now i feel a little better.

[junebug123]

Update, i stayed up till 4 am playing path of exile. My step dad and mother saw me on the train on the way home from starbucks and he asked me about how my programming was coming. I realized i haven't done anything since friday, actually i haven't done anything this week which hasn't consisted of youtube, handball, video games. Basically, i just uninstalled it and realized how unproductive i have spent my time over the pass two days. While it was fun thinking of the game and the characters, i realized i started to get a little obsessed about a game which isn't really all that great.

 

The other part is instead of getting obsessed about a video i should be getting obsessed about my career. Sometimes i wonder what age means because even though i turned 27 not more than a week and a half ago, well i still feel like i am 14

[junebug123]

Been programming in SQL for the past 3 and a half hours my brain feels fried and i still have another 3 assignments to go. Every time i see a runtime error i start freaking out, on one occasion i was like fvck this and just deleted two insert statements lol. This experience is really making me reconsider being a programming but the funny thing is the weak people quit when things get hard, i like to think i am not weak, maybe just weak minded with the ability to get stronger.

 

PRogramming skills level 2 Go Go gadget C# and SQL.

 

After i learn some more code in C++ i will feel more confident in my skills!

[junebug123]

Risk factors for Internet addiction and computer addiction

 

You are at greater risk of Internet addiction if:

 

You suffer from anxiety. You may use the Internet to distract yourself from your worries and fears. An anxiety disorder like obsessive-compulsive disorder may also contribute to excessive email checking and compulsive Internet use.

You are depressed. The Internet can be an escape from feelings of depression, but too much time online can make things worse. Internet addiction further contributes to stress, isolation and loneliness.

You have any other addictions. Many Internet addicts suffer from other addictions, such as drugs, alcohol, gambling, and sex.

You lack social support. Internet addicts often use social networking sites, instant messaging, or online gaming as a safe way of establishing new relationships and more confidently relating to others.

You’re an unhappy teenager. You might be wondering where you fit in and the Internet could feel more comfortable than real-life friends.

You are less mobile or socially active than you once were. For example, you may be coping with a new disability that limits your ability to drive. Or you may be parenting very young children, which can make it hard to leave the house or connect with old friends.

You are stressed. While some people use the Internet to relieve stress, it can have a counterproductive effect. The longer you spend online, the higher your stress levels will be.

 

Self-help tips for breaking your Internet addiction

 

There are a number of steps you can take to get your Internet use under control. While you can initiate many of these yourself, it’s important you get some outside support as well. It can be all too easy to slip back into old patterns of usage, especially if you use the Internet heavily for work or other important activities.

 

Recognize any underlying problems that may support your Internet addiction. If you are struggling with depression, stress, or anxiety, for example, Internet addiction might be a way to self-soothe rocky moods. Have you had problems with alcohol or drugs in the past? Does anything about your Internet use remind you of how you used to drink or use drugs to numb yourself? Recognize if you need to address treatment in these areas or return to group support meetings.

Build your coping skills. Perhaps blowing off steam on the Internet is your way of coping with stress or angry feelings. Or maybe you have trouble relating to others, or are excessively shy with people in real life. Building skills in these areas will help you weather the stresses and strains of daily life without resorting to compulsive Internet use.

Strengthen your support network. The more relationships you have in real life, the less you will need the Internet for social interaction. Set aside dedicated time each week for friends and family. If you are shy, try finding common interest groups such as a sports team, education class, or book reading club. This allows you to interact with others and let relationships develop naturally.

 

 

Oh boy . . . I was just checking some stuff online because i feel like that game is calling me and this is what i found. I am sure my problem is a combination of being shy, lacking social networking skills, trying to relieve stress and having anxiety. LOL i am literally talking like a document composed on the internet i need to get laid . . .

[junebug123]

Understanding Patterns of Behavior

 

Today as i was getting off the train i had this impulse to play that game, path of exile. All of my thoughts were focused on it, my body wanted to relieve stress from the day so it figured that playing PoE would be a viable solution. In fact, playing on the computer creates more stress as the article stated and my pleasure senors react to almost any sensation, it doesn't have to be computer games.

 

Understanding patterns, why they exist, why some patterns are stronger then others, what triggers patterns and how to create new patterns and stop old patterns seems to the areas i need to work on. There is something about structuring your day methodically which works well for almost any person. Problems exist when the method becomes to complicated or the activities in the method are too strenuous for the body to handle. The key is creating activities which offset each other. For example, gym coupled with show and reading afterwards or food coupled with grocery shopping and then rest. Some people have heck-it lives and can't seem to manage their time or their money or their relationships effectively creating a disruptive pattern which can be very difficult to understand.

 

Sometimes people create patterns they don't even realize they are creating and often this leads to bad patterns which can be hard to stop. Alcoholism for example. Some people take to having a drink every day or every other day not realizing that consuming alcohol creates stress. They try to manage this stress by consuming more alcohol which in turn creates more stress, pretty soon they become addicted to the one thing which is killing them. They don't realize they have created this pattern because the brain doesn't recognize that the alcohol is actually a stressful substance. The brain only remembers the pleasure from the dopamine being released, but not the hang overs, not the exhaustion, not the increased appetite and spending.

 

My pattern dealt with turning to computer games as a form of socializing and reducing stress. Little did i realize that i was actually isolating myself from others and in the process creating more stress and anxiety by my continued use of the game itself. At the time, my body/brain didn't understand what was going on because i am inside the box looking out at the world. I am not observing myself and understanding what is going on. However, creating a journal gives you the ability to observe your behavior and monitor your activities based on the entries and their consistency with your behaviors. If you notice, when i first started this journal i used to be having anxiety attacks like every day and writing a lot in it as well.

 

Over time i decreased my computer usage and eventually decided to reformat my hard drive thereby reducing those re-occurring anxiety attacks and breaking the pattern. Now, of course i wouldn't have been able to break the pattern had i not reformatted the computer because my brain is so in tune with trying to reduce stress and receiving pleasure from the game itself that i have no way of realizing how destructive that pattern is. One might argue that others observing my actions could inform me of the self destructive behavior and its affect on me, yet their observations don't necessary override my actually experiences and feelings on the matter. My brain can listen and understand what they are saying but until i decide that what they are saying is actually true and that the computer usage is actually detrimental to my health, well its a lose lose situation.

 

Its funny how i am close to my goal in terms of understanding my triggers and behaviors yet i have made little progress in actually executing any of the knowledge i have learned about myself. You see there was always motivation for understanding triggers but little motivation in changing those triggers to be replaced by new patterns of behavior. Essentially i would be recreating myself and my identity which i have worked so hard to build all these years. Yes, some might argue what have you built, you have the mind of a boy trapped in a mans body whose only will in life is to excel at online video games.

 

Yet, i know nothing else outside of that world, so for me everything outside of handball and video games is scary unknown territory and will feel unnatural and actually uncomfortable. Imagine you were a dancer and then suddenly you had a realization that you no longer wanted to dance, in fact you wanted to be a kick boxer. How would you go about making those changes? Would you stop associating with everyone you danced with, would you stop watching other dancers or thinking of dancing? Would you get kickboxing clothes and go to a kickboxing gym? Would you be able to enjoy kickboxing? Would your brain feel pleasure from kickboxing or would it miss dancing terribly?

 

You seem i am at the point where i am ready to make the switch from unproductive person who plays handball and video games to that person who studies and works out in the gym. My problem, is the fear that goes with changing my life style and trying to establish new patterns. My fear is that i will not like studying, and that i will not like working out. I know that in the past i have been able to study and work out and in fact i am studying more and more everyday. In fact, yesterday i studied for about 12 hours continuously with little or no breaks.

 

In fact, i caught up on most if not all of my school work, and i was ahead of most of the students in my class. Also my typing has improved significantly and i no longer need to worry about what i am typing before it appears on the screen, almost as if typing has become second nature to me. The strange part is that i actually enjoyed the studying and my focusing levels have improved greatly. I know that this is my fear, because i don't want to trick myself into thinking that i am doing well and then turn to my bad behaviors as a way of self gratification.

 

Well, i have said a lot for now. I am happy that i am making these changes and i hope to continue to make them in the coming weeks. My next challenge is to start learning about programming so that i may be able to acquire an internship in game development.

 

Juan

[junebug123]

Spent the past two days finally finishing up Spartacus Vengeance

 

Granted i got a little carried away with that whole situation in terms of installing the virtual box and now having access to watching Spartacus again. I feel like my typing speed has diminished a little bit since i haven't done anything productive in the past two days. On the flip side i started lifting weights again and somehow my body is still as strong as it was since i last lifted (3 weeks ago). I suppose muscle doesn't diminish as quick.

 

I actually feel a little bit better since i started lifting weights again but i am going through these mood swings constantly where my computer addiction takes turns from not playing video games to just watching videos all day. I remember the same pattern happening with starcraft as well, i would commit myself to no longer choosing to play that game and then spend countless hours watching youtube videos or anime videos thinking that my actions were justified by not actually playing the game itself. However, i would still be spending as much time if not more on the computer so in hindsight it didn't really seem to improve my situation in the least.

 

Also, i wish that somehow i could star integrating the use of my left hand in my typing because my right hand seems so proficient yet my left hand is slow as nails and i am limiting myself many times to just using a single finger (my index). The sad part about this entry is that i will not be writing for long because i am desperate to finish watching that series and also my nerves are on edge right now do to spending so much time on the computer.

 

I was thinking of mitigating this situation by posting ideas on the wall directly behind my laptop. I was thinking of posting some paper with big letters saying go read a book, go play handball, program some code or do school work. Knowing myself i probably would just ignore that paper anyways in spite of myself. Recently i ordered this network card on for this desktop machine i have. It has a i5 chip and 12 gigs of ram so its pretty new, my step dad was proposing that i use it as a Linux machine, then i explained that i have little to no internet connection because stupidly i didn't order a wireless network card with the dam machine from hp. He explained that i should just order one and work on it to use it as my Linux machine and that by the time i get around to using it, it will probably be outdated.

 

I thought to myself, well that's a good idea. Anyways, tomorrow is valentines day, boy it sucks to be single on any holiday to be honest. I have spent so many holidays single its not even funny. Strangely people always wonder why i find myself single in-spite of my looks and good nature, well the simple explanation lies in my behavior but i like to lie to myself by saying its the lack of financial stability which i think is true. Strangle how women are drawn to money and power, the way men are drawn to beauty and youth. There are many days when i watch shows and see examples of how men acquire women and treat them as property much in the same manner that women treat men as property. They only find others of the opposite sex to sustain a certain lifestyle, be it to have sex or to live lavishly, in the end we are just base creatures sharing, trading and bartering goods and services from each other.

 

You wonder why more then 40% of marriages fail, well the answer i think is simple. One person in the relationship couldn't up hold their services be it sex, money whatever it is. And the other person decided to find someone who could provide for those services for lack of a better husband/wife. It seems a viable solution to being miserable, and yes there will be people who claim that they are not in the relationship for these social benefits 'sex', 'money' but whenever they have problems with their other aren't these some of the first things that come to mind?

 

When you think of it a man provided with the choice of 4 women all having the same characteristics in terms of body type, age, and appearance would choose the one most faithful and the one who puts out the most. Same with with the women of 4 men with the same characteristics each having the same body type, age, and appearance would choose the one most successful. You hear about how young guys are obsessing about cars constantly, and how they use these vehicles to score with chicks, you hear about how women brag about the clothes they wear, how much time they spend on their hair/nails and how they use these tools to acquire men. It's all very base. People are so base, maybe i am just as base as them, sometimes i like to allude myself from these thoughts to give myself greater meaning in life.

 

Yet, in the end i am just a creature of simple desires.

[junebug123]

I could have used my day more productively

 

Ever feel like my entries have this sad satire of repeating similar themes over and over again. For once in my life i want to write more then one journal entry which is positive. Imagine if i discovered a secret which could change my life by simply adjusting my days events so that my journal entries were exciting to read and worthwhile. I mean the dreary stuff is fun too but it gets old after reading the same thing like ten times in a role.

 

I wonder how many of my views are just curios people who like look at it once read 3 entries and then are like. Wow, this guy is a loser. I don't want to stop writing because i know i am trying to better myself. You know what let me stop being a "negative nelly" (Ned Fanders, Simpsons) and just say what happened.

 

Today i road my bike out to tillary near the brooklyn bridge to shop for a road bike. I stopped to play handball, bumped into my friend and then we had lunch and played chess at his college. Afterwards i went to the bike shop and then another one. Following that, i went to costco did some shopping and finally i got home and unpacked myself. I was so tired but i decided to watch a movie and then i went to my room and watched a zelda nes speed run which lasted 1 hour and the guy did not die once despite having some close calls. The strangest part is that that video i saw wasn't even the world record!

 

So, yeah it was an exciting day in general but then i got all depressed after spending more time then i should have on the computer, also i didn't do any school work or programing today. Now, i have to lift some weights and watch Spartacus. Later guys.

 

Juan

[junebug123]

I am getting really good at handball!

 

So today me and my friend made plans to go into the city and play handball all day. Wow, it was fun even thou we lost the first two doubles games against these C-B team which i felt we could have easily won, if my friend played better, the day still turned out to be really fun. Some of the downside of everything was that i re-injured my knee, which sucks a lot especially considering that i thought things were better, but i guess not because i was in a lot of pain today and even now i am considering cupping.

 

Right now i am wrapping my knee with an ice bag so that the swelling will go down. I know that i have to improve the strength of my ankle and my hamstrings to make this problem go away, yet doing those types of exercises is so boring. Maybe this is because i am narcissistic and only enjoy performing exercises which i know will considered visually appealing like big arms. If you can imagine a women wanting to work out her legs and glutts rather than her back and shoulders its like me and my big legs.

 

I don't know why i am on the computer right now, because honestly its valentines day and i should be out in a bar trying to get laid, i guess i just got to the point where i stopped caring and maybe i am realizing that saving a couple of dollars is more important then wasting time, money and energy at a bar picking up desperate women. Funny thing is that today, after playing all that handball, i feel really really good and my hair looks good as well even though i am balding slightly. People who work out, well there metabolism picks up and their skin glows, and their hair shines, their muscles bulge, they have more spring in their step, they are less likely to get depressed. I am feeling all of these benefits, i wish that obsess people knew how good it feels to exercise and live healthy, how mind and body are one in the same; maybe then they would make more of an effort to lose weight and change their lifestyle.

 

It's like my sister, she spends most of her time on the computer, eating junk food, she openly admits this to me; yet when in the past i tried to motivate her to go jogging with me or go to the gym she fights me at every turn. It's like some people they can't make simple connections, either you do the work and receive the benefits or don't do the work and stay overweight and as a consequence depressed. The weird part is that these are the same people who want to be with models, or people who look fit yet for themselves they couldn't care less and will likely end up with a mate who looks similar to their old build (a person who settles for what they can get). People are always trying to get things the easy way, by taking a pill, having plastic surgery, getting lipo or going on extreme diets which they can't maintain for a period longer then 6 months.

 

Anyways, i am anxious because right now i am on the computer again, and hear i talk about people and their weight problems yet i am the same guy who wants to be successful yet doesn't work at it. Maybe we are all hypocrites, if i had to choose between being successful and giving up handball and being fit, well i would choose handball. It's a choose i make on a daily basis, its a choose which brings me happiness, where as success might just bring me money. I wish i was programmed to work hard and enjoying studying and pursing jobs, in the past i have tried all these things but like those extreme diets, its a lifestyle i am not willing to settle for. Sometimes, i wonder these things about homeless people, like how is it possible for a person to be homeless for a period of more then 5 years. I am talking about homeless people who aren't mentally impaired or have a serious drug addiction (there are a lot of those in new york).

 

Strangely, these people are homeless by choice or in the projects on welfare by choice. Maybe, its the same choice i make every day when i decide to waste countless hours on the internet rather than looking for work or learning to program. I watch countless videos on real programmers, and read into what programmers do, even watch classes on programming but when it comes to actually programming, its like my motivation is so far from it. I need to take the power back into my own hands. I need to create a schedule which i follow religiously, i need to stop playing handball, i need to stop watching porn, i need to stop watching youtube, i need to move out of my mothers house. I am 27 years old for gods sake and look at how i am living. This **** can't go on . . .

[junebug123]

I now understand the PROBLEM, but have yet to understand a SOLUTION

 

It finally occurred to me. The problem, the addiction the reason why i am wasting my life. It has been right in front of my face all these years, yet i have be denying that it ever existed. It is something strange when we are so full of ourselves that we cannot see beyond our own faults. My mind has somehow created a barrier from the real world and allowed me to live in this pseudo world of excuses.

 

The problem, stress. The most simple, the most basic, the most primal and logical problem to all of life's equations. I don't like doing my school work because of the stress it creates, and there are times when my life is so stressful that i can go on the computer and spend countless hours escaping that stress. Rather than just staying on task and trying to relax while completing work, i will often worry and the task will become unbearable, but in reality it isn't unbearable, i am just being a fvcking b1tch.

 

I mean i deal with stress when i used to bike message, when i play handball, when i am in a relationship, when i lift weights. Some of it is physical, some mental, some emotional but ultimately the stress makes you stronger by allowing you the chance to realize that it is created when your body doesn't know what to do in a situation. School however, is constantly stressful because we are learning and don't know what to do constantly. So we have to research and read, and try to understand new concepts and apply the techniques we learn to accomplish homework and score high on tests.

 

Intellectuals are used to dealing with this type of stress the way that body builders are used to dealing with physical stress. Granted if you take an accountant and make him do construction work all day, well the guy will probably have a heart attack, the same way a construction worker will have a nervous break down if you make him do accounting all day. Yet, with me, instead of understanding the stresses required of being a student, i act like a b1tch and ignore my responsibilities, the same way i ignore trying to get a job or trying to learn a second language or trying to become a programmer.

 

STRESS, it is all stressful and requires heart which obviously i must not have one. I mean there is a place for people like me in fail in life, its called minimum wage, for those who couldn't or wouldn't try to handle the stress of the real world. I wish that God would just come out of the sky and smite me for being a b1tch all these years.

[junebug123]

The DIFFERENCE between GOOD Stress and BAD Stress

 

Playing handball today something really crazy happened. Me and this other guy who always beats me were playing on a team against this B player in a doubles match. Now, usually in handball i don't get stressed or nervous because i can beat people pretty easily and it is usually them who get stressed out. However playing against this guy, it stressed me out a little bit because he was so dam good and i worried about whether we could win the game or not. I realized that when we were losing 10 - 18 (game 21) that i didn't think we could win, yet somehow we hung on and eventually we went on to win the game! I realized how great this feeling was to be able to succeed and if it had not been for my ability to cope with the stress in such dire straits, well i would have lost.

 

In my last entry i was talking about stress, and how it affects my ability to complete work, yet in this entry i am seeing it in an entirely new light. You see, in this world there is this thing called GOOD stress, which comes from handling a problem which seems beyond your means and actually being able to solve it brings great happiness and self worth. Solving impossible problems gives anyone a sense of accomplishment and the feeling of success. I realize that my real issue was my perspective, and learning to change my perspective may be the solution to all of my problems.

 

The thought occurred to me today while watching this guy go for the world record in a speed run for zelda 2 any % of items deathless. Basically the game to beat it, is an hour long and you only have 3 lives and based on what i saw, it is hard as balls; im putting the ling here: link removed . So i thought to myself wow this must be a stressful endeavor to beat a game that hard without dying once, i mean how bad would it suck to get to the 59 minute mark and die to the final boss. I am sure he has done that plenty of times, yet with the stress and aggravation of losing plenty of times, comes the success of getting the world record.

 

Now, this guy mentioned in his stream that he had been playing the game for 6 months in order to accomplish this task, imagine how boring that must be. I mean you realize that after playing the same game for more then 3 months, it no longer become an enjoyable experience and in fact it is very much like any job or responsibility. Yet his determination is what allowed him to succeed at a seemliness hopeless endeavor. I started to realize that this was considered GOOD stress because his stress is generated by his gaming ability and his body creates stress in order to motivate him and push him to play better and harder. The same way my body motivates me to study harder and learn more. In hindsight, i should have been thinking about school work and programming as a challenge rather then a nuisance much the way my sister thinks about raising her baby.

 

She knows that raising the baby is stressful yet the rewards are great so in order to deal with the stress, she thinks about her goal. Which is knowing that she brought a person into this world and has raised this person to take care of not only them-self but eventually my sister, when she is too sick and old to take care of herself. So the new question is, if school work is good stress then what is bad stress?

 

Well, BAD STRESS is worrying about being behind on projects, procrastinating, getting low marks, not being activate, not achieving one's goals in life and reflecting on why you haven't been able to accomplish more with your time. In fact i have been dealing with bad stress for the past 6 months yet it isn't as intense as dealing with GOOD stress because BAD stress is simply a reflection of failure while good stress is overcoming obstacles/hurdles which require a lot of time, energy and patience.

[junebug123]

Guys, right now i am under a lot of stress and anxiety. Focusing is very difficult i am trying to work on this project and already i have taken several breaks. Progress is slow but i am making it. I don't know what to do to get rid of the anxiety maybe i am fighting it or maybe i have spent too much time on the computer already. I think i will watch a movie and drink some wine and worry about it tomorrow. I shouldn't have played handball today because tomorrow i am going to be stuck doing work all day

[junebug123]

I am not sure how to feel today because i did some work, but i have loads more of school work which is due. For some reason it took me like all day just to add some constraints and create a couple of tables to my database using SQL. I mean i actually did make a lot of progress plus i did my discussions and took a quiz yet without my team members helping me it seems like there is so much work to be done.

 

Something i realized is that my real problem lies not in the fact that i get anxious while doing work, more in the fact that i don't spend enough of my day doing work and don't know how to draw boundary lines when playing handball or watching videos. If i spent more time doing work and less time goofing off i would get more accomplished. I need to remind myself to stay on task and never spend more then 45 to an hour continuously watching videos or playing handball, without getting work done.

 

Some people manage to still have fun and do work, i need to start learning to be more like them and i feel like in the coming months i will make so much improvement

[junebug123]

Today when i woke up, rather then rushing to the computer to complete school work i just stayed in bed like usual until about 9:50 - 10 o'clock. Following that i ate breakfast and watched some anime show for about an hour. I know when i get home i will be tired but this time i will try to make sure that i get some work done rather then watching videos or playing handball like usual. In fact the thought of playing handball is so exciting to me that i feel like skipping out class today in order to go to the indoor courts.

 

Anyways, i need to be commited and i need to start spending more time at starbucks and the library because it seems as thou my energy level and my patience for actually completing work there seems to be at the most optimal levels. Rather then staying home and lazing around getting distracted and constantly musing my self with things with actually don't apply to my programming/ school work.

 

I mean the main reasonw hy i even left the internship to be begin with was in order to actually try to get some work down relevant to my goals and desires. Yet i find that i lack the self dsicpline to go through with these studies and find my self more and more wishing that i had acquired another internship.

[junebug123]

Feeling, so fvcking depressed right now. Practically lost every game in handball and lost 10 dollars as well playing some kid i figured i was better then. To top it off i got really exhausted wasn't able to ride my bike back home and spent 2 hours napping. Then i came home after waking up and starting looking at some old pictures of my ex, now i am feeling horny from today because at the courts there was some cute girl and i really wanted her bad. I am thinking of going to the bar later. Is the cycle starting again, i don't even know anymore.

 

My sisters man offered me this job which starts at 15 dollars an hour cleaning garbage in the projects, sounds scary i am trying to figure out what's stopping me from doing it. It's like i got nothing going for me right now, everything sucks might as well just do it because i may not get the opportunity in the future. I feel like if i took it i would be forced to stay with it. It's finals week, i have kind of been trying to get all this work done in such a short period of time but to no avail.

 

I feel like going to a bar right now thou to kind of let go of the days events maybe i might be able to talk to someone who can get my mind off of things.

[junebug123]

Okay, so i noticed a trigger in yersterdays events. I was suppose to just play a few games of handball and then do school work at starbucks but losing got me upset and rather then just walking away and going to starbucks, i let my pride get the better of me and lost 10 dollars in the next two games against the same person. Then this girl who likes me came into the park with some guy i think she is dating, rather then ignoring them i decided to stay and play a few games more then i should have. Following that i played the kid in singles and after everything was said and done i decided to get some food because i was tired.

 

My body wasn't able to handle all the stress i put it under and so therefore i ended up taking the train home. Making matters worse was the fact that when i woke up i was feeling lonely and decided to get a beer rather then doing school work. I could have just done some yoga to relieve the stress. So the trigger yersterday was losing a game of handball which sent me on a emotion roller coaster.

 

I have to spend today studying so o well.