Hijazi Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Hello, This is my first post on this forum. Let me start by saying what you probably read a thousand times. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. I met my wife 6 years ago and have been with her almost everyday. We are married (and still are since FEB 2011) Last week she told me she's moving out and has managed to rent an apartment and move out in less than 4 days with help from her parents. She is 24, I am 28. The primary reason for her decision is that I have been unable to find a stable of job for the past year and frustration, combined with my depression has pushed her further and further away from me. We had a separation 2 months ago where I stayed with my parents until she begged me to come back and told me she loves me for me and not for what I have to provide... I trusted her and 2 months later, she vanishes. She is currently in her new place , we have not spoken , our joint account is closed , she has removed her "married" status from Facebook and has taken her ring off. Knowing her: she is young , brash , irrational and very confused... My question is simple, I am willing to do anything it takes to get her back, realizing it might not be the same since we will not be living together. She claims she is 100% sure she wants a divorce but eventually wants to remain friends. I don't believe her since 2 weeks ago she was telling me how much she loves me and was celebrating my birthday. Please help... the pain is unbearable and I don't know what to do... life has no taste, all I ever knew for the past 6 years is loving her and being next to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I'm so sorry. The best thing to do is talk with your counselor about your depression and work on that. Once you have that handled, the rest will be so much easier to face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilson Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Women. Say one thing and do the absolute opposite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2bcome1 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Man i feel your pain as i have felt i myself and as you know it's not a nice place to be. The best thing you can do at the mo is give her some space to figure things out for herself. She may realise that life without you is not so good and return. It is a very hard thing to do as every part of your body wants to talk and sort things out with her. Giving her space now will produce the best outcome for the future one way or the other. Good luck and keep strong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lise99 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. i have also just been through a split afetr 4 years so I understand your pain. I don't have any answers but the suggesttion to get some professional help for now from a counsellor is a good one and will help. Wishing you luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks for the support and good wishes so far. Let me clarify that I am not suicidal in anyway nor do I need professional help. I am aware that time heals all wounds. I only care today about the best course of action I can take to maximize my chances of getting her back.I know giving her space Is a good idea. But Also not too much as the old saying says, out of sight, out of mind. PS I have always been there for her through anything and never gave up in 6 years. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrettyGood Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear that it happened for you. Seriously, it should be unbearable heartache. I just don't understand one thing... When I was growing, my parents were telling me that only "parents" are the most loyal people in your life, but I always believed that if you create a family (e.g. get married) then husband and a wife also promise each other to go through anything - good and bad, to cherish and to love each other... I'm not an expert on that but I always wanted to believe that wife/husband is that person who will never ever betray you for such material things. Being unemployed is not eternal thing, and I can't understand how cheap should be the person to file for divorce just because of such material things Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 You seem like a nice person so let me give you an advice. NEVER marry someone that is too young or someone that doesn't have enough prior relationship experience. They will claim to love you but in the end they are discovering who they are, what they want and overall growing in life at your expense. You may be loyal and committed. But someone young and inexperienced may not know the seriousness and hardships that are associated with marriage. Also remember that it's not the material things that pushed her away. It' most likely her loss of security. Women need to feel protected in every way. As for what your parents were telling you. They meant to prepare you for the hardships of life. The only uncompromising and unconditional love will always be a parent towards his child. Not so much with couples. It takes 2 to make it work. And even if 1 person gives up. There isn't much the other can do. Which is what is happening to me. I am surprised to be able to come up with words of wisdom considering my emotional state. Take care. And keep the answers flowing. Thank you all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Unfortunately she either forgot or chose to ignore that part of the wedding vows regarding 'for richer for poorer' and bailed when the going got tough. I know the following won't help you much right now but it will later - better she bailed now than after ten years of marriage and a couple of children. You will recover and you will meet someone who loves you and is loyal and unselfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 Yes you are right. The key difference is I married armed with the knowledge they things aren't going to be peachy all the time. She didn't. She's someone that watches too much TV and actually believes the Japanese are evil based on a movie (pearl harbor) without checking historical facts. Hell she reads fifty shades of grey and watched every season of keeping up with the kardashians to give you an idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 She sounds like an airhead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
giubilante Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 She's left -there isn't much you can do about that. Give her her space, and she might come back - and you can decide what you want to do with that then. In the meantime,don't let yourself fall stagnant. You say you can't get work? Why not? I know one reason is the economy, but have you beat every bush and turned over every rock that can be overturned in order to get one? If not, do it, and do it for yourself, not her. Also, if you're frustrated and you're finding that effects your mood too much, take up boxing, or jogging, or weightlifting... something physical. It is AMAZING how getting physical exercise can channel your frustration in a healthy direction. Then, tell her you love her, but will only be with her if it is what she wants, and she will have to take responsibility to let you know. In the meantime, you will be respecting her wishes and keeping your distance. Occasional small gifts, like a flower and a card would (I think) be a good way of letting her know you still care, but don't deliver these in person, and never use the cards to pressure, only to express your love. In the meantime, move on and deal with the issues in your life that need taking care of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 be careful about your thoughts on "out of sight out of mind" ...it is what keeps a lot of people contacting their exes because they fear they will be forgotten . you're her husband ,she is not going to forget you , but you want to give her the chance to miss you and make some decisions in her own time without any contact from you . at this point she seems very sure , and any attempt by you ti influence her will no dount hit you right back in the face .. as she has said it is over and taking measures to appear single , I really think the best thing you can do its just let her be . Don't worry she will contact you if she misses you or feels she has made a mistake. I am sorry these are the cirumstances in which she left ..I am another who stands by the for richer for poorer. wishing you peace x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 If you actually want to get back with her, I don't think any name calling will really help the situation. She brought up some pretty legitimate concerns. I would say, if you agree these are issues, that you work on getting stable employment and work on your depression. If you don't think it's valid, then divorce her. If you think it's valid, and think you can manage or eradicate the depression without professional help, then more power to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 6, 2012 Author Share Posted November 6, 2012 Darcy, this is a relationship help forum. I believe you confused it with woman's liberation movement forums. If I "name call" my own wife it's to give information regarding her personality because I am in a much better position to judge her personality than anyone. In the end, the more accurate the description I give, the better help I would receive. as for my "depression" let's call it feeling down and useless for not having a job for a while. not actual medical definition of "depression". Hope this clarifies things a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 6, 2012 Author Share Posted November 6, 2012 Update : She has called me today just to check up on me ans see how I am doing... Don't know what to make of it truly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 You said, “I am willing to do anything…” Okay, you can only change yourself. Trying to change her, (others), is a total waste of time. Changing into a loving husband typically means shedding adolescent views of what love/marriage means to a women. This is done by facing your issues and changing the ones that need to be changed. Be warned; you are most likely right when you advised PrettyGood not to marry too young. Money and job are also big hitters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Yes you are right. The key difference is I married armed with the knowledge they things aren't going to be peachy all the time. She didn't. She's someone that watches too much TV and actually believes the Japanese are evil based on a movie (pearl harbor) without checking historical facts. Hell she reads fifty shades of grey and watched every season of keeping up with the kardashians to give you an idea I think you have to ask yourself if you are truly compatible with her. I watch several TV shows online, read 50 shades, have seen the kardashians show, and admit to having some prejudices unfortunately. My partner, though, is similar to me so it's not a negative you see? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 Hey Darcy, I don't mind her or anyone else watching TV shows or reading books. But she actually got influenced by them! If it was a harmless form of entertainment, fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 Update : she contacted me and wants to have breakfast tomorrow to catch up... I am extremely confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Did you agree to meet? If you did, I would let her do the talking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 I did agree to meet , she said she wants to sit down and catch up. not much more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I hope you get what you want from the meeting - please let us know what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Hey Darcy, I don't mind her or anyone else watching TV shows or reading books. But she actually got influenced by them! If it was a harmless form of entertainment, fine. Do you mean to say that she left you because she was influenced by these things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hijazi Posted November 9, 2012 Author Share Posted November 9, 2012 Partially. There were other reasons, but those things sure didn't help her stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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