shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 So, I think I screwed up. I didn't really do no contact with my ex after she broke up with me - we aren't in the same place geographically at the moment, and we have had low contact I guess, her initiating some of the time, me initiating (and her always responding) some of the time. The thing is, I am visiting her for a week in January at her home. She told me during the breakup that she still wanted me to come. What I wish I had done is told her that I needed some time for myself, and that I would consider the invitation, and wished her a good semester (she is a senior in college, I graduated last year), and then gone straight up no contact for the next three months, until like late November or so, and then re-initiated contact. I really think she still has strong feelings for me, but is just very confused with everything going on in her life right now (backstory on my other thread about "seeing ex in her city in january"). So while that other thread is me asking for advice about January, this one is me asking for advice about now--it would be strange to go no contact right now when I am already scheduled to visit and she knows the date of my arrival and everything, right? Like what would I do, go no contact until mid-december and then contact her again and say, "hey guess what, I'm back and I'll be at your house in three weeks!"? That just seems strange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Go no contact, starting today. And cancel that trip. That's just setting yourself up for some ridiculous pain to go visit an ex for a week after a breakup. This experience should have shown you that trying to keep things friendly with an ex after a breakup does nothing to improve your chances for reconciliation OR help you move on and get over a relationship. There's no progress here, for you, only limbo -- and you've done nothing to re-ignite her feelings for you. Just my opinion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 Did you read the backstory in my other thread though? Like I said, there are some things she said that make me think she is open to reconciling. Like, we had a conversation about us a week ago, in which she told me that she had had a very brief rebound but ended it because she "hated it because he wasn't you" and "you say we can love each other so purely, i don't and won't know until I see you," and then "Ok, I will know in January, I am growing in areas you have already grown in, maybe we will be on the same level when we meet," and "this has been such a pivotal and important week for me (something unrelated) maybe this conversation is part of what I will always remember from it," and "I may have feelings for you, but I may not be able to handle them this entire year, I don't want to lead you on in that way about January either." She wasn't however, ready to commit to not seeing other people and completely waiting until January. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Unless and until she tells you, "I want to get back together" everything else is breadcrumbs. This is just my opinion, based on my personal experiences and what I've seen and heard and read from others. It's a hard line and not for everyone -- for me, it's the best way to protect yourself and also the best way to make the dumper face the reality of their decision. It's a sad part of human nature, but dumpers often only value us again once we've taken ourselves off the table. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 I do realize that, and I am prepared to tell her in person: "L, I can't be your friend, and I think you know that, you and me can't be just friends. I don't want you to be another Katie (a female friend of mine who is essentially a sister to me) for me, and I don't want to be your best friend unless I'm your best friend and your lover. If you need time to sort out senior year and your future, then I'm willing to wait for you as long as you are waiting with me, because I don't want a new relationship with you that is also going to be dominated by the same concerns over uncertainty about our futures as happened last time. But unless and until you decide that you are interested in that too, that us is worth another try, then I'm sorry, but I can't be your friend, and this is goodbye." And then leave, early if need be. I just thought that as hard as it might be for me, I know that seeing me will be difficult for her too, and if I can essentially 'date' her for a few days, have both of us have a fun time, show her the new me, and then say that and leave, then the last thing she will have to think about is that time together, not an airport where we left each other with me having sort of ended things (not really ended, but put us in a quasi relationship territory). See, that's the problem here, we are both kind of the dumper and dumpee. She is the real dumper, but she feels like a dumpee. Also, unless I do this, I don't know when the next time would be that I could actually show her how much I have grown and changed, and she said "you clearly care about me in a way that you didn't before, you are much more mature whenever we message, but i have no way of knowing if that's for real. you say we can love each other so purely, i don't and won't know until i see you." because we won't be in the same location unless we actively choose that together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 My point is, you show change through your actions. Taking a stand and going NC is an action that shows growth and change. Going to her home to see her and plead your case in person? Not so much. But really -- only YOU know what's best for you. I'm just an outsider with a different opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 Right, I get that, which is why I am wrestling with this decision. But in the context of what the problem was with our relationship, that she felt like I was torn, and unable to fully commit to her, this is why I am leaning towards staying on the path I am on now: 1. I told her that I could wait this semester, but that after seeing her if there was nothing there, then I couldn't be her friend anymore, so if she didn't still feel in some way that she wanted to be with me still, then she probably would have just told me not to come. I honestly don't think she wants to cause me unnecessary pain, she still cares about me as a person. 2. Me being willing to give her this time and still be there is an indication of how I have changed, and how I have grown from something that was lacking previously--my inability to face my fears about uncertainty over the future. 3. Like I said, I think the no contact would have been the right move from the beginning, but to do it now after what I told her last week would just make me look inconsistent, like I am waffling back and forth with myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I hear what you're saying, but this all sounds like rationalizations to me because you want to see her so badly -- which is totally understandable. And in the end, you're going to do whatever you feel is right. IF she wants to be together, this is a simple yes or no decision she'll make over a period of time on her own. She'll make this decision based on how much she misses you once you walk away and also based on the full weight of your entire relationship together. She doesn't need you there in person to do this, or even involved in her life in any way. You don't earn points by going to see her or being patient or proving through this or that behavior..... in fact, you make yourself much less attractive by being willing to act like a friend as you've been doing. Telling her kindly but firmly that you want to be back together, but that until she give you a yes or no answer you need to remove yourself, is a sign of strength and confidence that only makes you seem more attractive..... and more importantly, it's also the KINDEST thing to do for yourself. Allowing her to keep you in this emotional limbo is a MUCH less attractive quality than looking "inconsistent". Imo, I would put it on the table that you want a yes or no answer, and remove yourself from her life until you get one -- that gives her the time and space to figure out what she really wants, and it protects you from looking and feeling like a total doormat. Whatever you decide to do, I really do wish you the best of luck with it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I agree, I just think that I don't have very much to lose by going, except potentially some more pain, and that removing myself after just having seen her will be more powerful than removing myself now, when we only chat occasionally, and she has so much work that she doesn't have much time to think about me and reflect on us and miss me anyway. And I would go no contact now in a heartbeat, except for the fact that I hurt her by not being in a place where I could love her the way she wanted me to. Which she explicitly told me. "And I don't want to love someone who is able to hurt me so much or not love me the way I deserve. That's what I think of when I think of you. You didn't love me the way I wanted you too I dont know what I feel for you. And I feel like I should. I feel that if I loved you, I would know. I don't know. You hurt me when we broke up. We broke up in a way to figure out what you felt for me. Not because you wanted to change for me. I know it is different now, but I hate that it took you this to figure it out. I wanted you to love me when we were together. In the spring and in the summer." I just think that my best chance now is to actually demonstrate that love, and demonstrate the ways that I have changed and grown, which revolve more around accepting who I really am instead of trying to be someone else, rather than being needy/clingy or whatever else no contanct might help demonstrate. I think I would just be demonstrating that once again I am willing to walk away from her. It would be me hedging--I'm willing to give it another shot, willing to love you, but I'm not willing to really take the chance and the risk, I'm only willing to if I know that you are also all in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shane Falco Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 If you really do this, don't pull the "I'll wait for x amount of time for you" card. Don't even offer that, because that just gives her more time to string you along. State what you want, accept nothing less and be willing to walk away completely if need be. But yeah, saying you'll wait for her does nothing to further your cause and just makes it look like you have no value and you are basing your whole life on her whims. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 I agree, and that's exactly what I will do. And if need be I will go to the airport and leave earlier than planned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 so, for now though, should i stay in this LC mode? or should I back off a bit more and wait for her to initiate contact most of the time? like i said, i think going full on NC would be kinda strange to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultimateguy8 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 shackazu, I am virtually in the same position as you. My ex, who coincidentally is a senior in college, broke up with me about 2.5 weeks ago after a 1 year relationship. I graduated from college back in May. She kept on telling me about her uncertainty about everything in her life and seemed too stressed for a relationship at this moment. Well since the relationship ended in mid October I haven't been in contact with her at all and she hasn't tried to contact me. I have a plan kind of like you have. I'm going to call her for her birthday in December (and probably end up leaving a message) and then she said we could talk in December when the semester was done and she would re-evaluate everything. I, like you, am willing to wait because I have yet to meet another girl quite like her. My situation is a tad different because she said she lost feelings (could be stress related, could not so that's the big question I'm trying to answer) but I understand entirely where you are coming from. The temptation is still there for me to check out her facebook profile and text/call her but I have strictly adhered to the no contact and haven't been on facebook in over a week. I think getting her back in my life far out weighs the possibility of getting re-hurt. I'm doing my best to heal but I know I can't fully move on until I know for sure what is going to happen in December. It's only a month away.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Sorry to hear about it ultimateguy, I totally understand the place you're in, and I wish you the best of luck getting back together. I don't know all the details about your situation, but it seems to me like No Contact is really a spectrum, where some break ups, maybe over fights, or perhaps where the dumper is more in the wrong, merit a full on contact stop. Yet in others, like mine--where the problems really lay with me, and how she could sense that I was unsure of what I wanted because of my fears over the future, and where she told me she was incredibly hurt because I didn't love her the way she deserved, strict NC would be entirely misplaced (in my opinion) because it would just reinforce that I didn't care about the her/relationship the way she wanted me to/felt I didn't. I think it's good that I kept casual friendly contact, both of us initiating regularly, then had the conversation with her, where she now knows that I still love her, and she was impressed by the ways I have grown so far. That said, I'm not going to constantly be up her butt begging and pleading; a friend of mine had a good idea today. Play hard to get contact wise, take my time responding to her messages and don't really initiate for the next two weeks or so, but send her a postcard with a leaf in the envelope (my idea) saying "A little piece of fall from (my European city)." It references a comment she texted me randomly saying that she just realized we had never "spent/done/lived" fall together, and wondering whether I was a fall person or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 Also, does anyone have any insight into why she would have said conflicting things like, "Maybe this conversation is part of what I will always remember from this pivotal week" and "When I close my eyes I know how I want you to treat me, I just honestly don't know if you will," and "Europe is making you grow so much, whenever we message I am always a little bit impressed because you wouldn't have spoken like that before," and "You are growing in ways I have already done, and I am growing in ways you already have, maybe we will be at the same level in January," which seems to indicate that she is interested still. But at the same time she kept telling me that she couldn't commit to not seeing other guys because she didn't know who she would meet in January, and she wasn't in that place, even though the one guy she had been hooking up with because she was "trying to get over me" she "ended because I hated it because he wasn't you." So why would she seem to indicate to me that she she was going to continue to see other guys? Or did she just say that because to give me any kind of commitment now is too close to being back together with me, or too close to the quasi relationship we had for a few weeks before, and she doesn't want to get hurt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freewill1234 Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Cancel the trip. If she wants you back, let her come to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 No. The REASON she broke up with me is because I wasn't giving her the commitment that she wanted from me. I was very unsure of the future, and I was talking myself into thinking things could never work out. She was hurt because she felt like I was ending things with her (in this case, we were sort of both the dumper and the dumpee) so that I could figure out what exactly I felt for her, when she "wanted [me] to love [her] the way she deserved when we were together." This is why there needs to be nuance to the NC method. If I were to apply it, be all proud and "make her come to me," it would just play into the exact same narrative that I didn't, and still don;t really care about her the same way she did for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 oh my god, i don't know what to do. she told me that she really has moved on and doesnt want to get back together. im so crushed, it's like i can't breathe, it really seemed like she was so torn, i was holding on to this. it't not what was supposed to happen, i don't know what to do. i blocked her on facebook and deleted all our photos, it's so painful to even see her face in my memory, i wish i could wipe all memories of her. i don;t know what to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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