shackazu Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 HI Everyone, I'm new, and here is the background to my story: We had been together for around 7 months, two of them spent in a third world country with an NGO, living together. I just graduated from college, she has a year left still to go -- I am abroad for this year to learn another language, so it was going to be long distance. To make matters worse, we are from different countries. I'm American, she is from Europe -- so it's very unclear where we will be geographically even after her graduation and after my year abroad. We left the country not really together, because I was afraid of the distance, but we still talked a lot, and then I told her that I didn't want to be held back by being afraid of long distance. So about two weeks after we had left the NGO and parted, we became sort of a confused, semi-relationship. Together, but not entirely together. That lasted for about another two weeks, until last night she sent me a long message saying that she hasn't enjoyed the uncertainty of what we are, and that when we left that country she was hollowed out inside, and she wanted me to fight for her, but now she isn't sure that she "loves me the way I deserve," and that she felt like I was torn about being with her during the summer. Unfortunately, I realized that I really was in love with her, and wanted to change myself in the ways I need to and get over my fear of doing LDR But at the same time, she said that she does still love me, that I have been her best friend, that maybe we are meant to be together in the future, and that she still wanted to see me in January because we had planned that I would come to her city. So I spent about two months doing LC, with her initiating messaging about half the time, and sometimes seeming to half jokingly tease me the way we used to, and sometimes making references to things when we were together. This past weekend I had a longer conversation with her after I asked whether she still wanted me to come visit in January. She told me that she definitely wanted me to (with an exclamation point) but that she wanted me to come as a friend, and not to have any expectations. I told her that I still loved her, and that I wanted to come see her, but that I would be coming still in love with her. She talked for a bit about how incredibly hurt she had been by me, and said that she didn't want to love someone who had hurt her so much, or who hadn't loved her the way she deserved. She told me that she was unsure of her feelings for me, but couldn't claim to NOT have feelings for me at all because she had been "hooking up with someone briefly" in an attempt to get over me, but that she had ended it because she "hated it because he wasn't you." I told her that I haven't been with any other girls, and I would continue to wait until January to see her, but that I didn't think I could be just friends if there was nothing between us afterwards. But she also told me that she couldn't give me the same promise (acknowledging that this probably hurt me and said she was sorry for that), even though she "can't imagine being with anyone as serious and as deep as I was with you," and that she wasn't looking for anything generally right now, and had turned down people because she has no time or energy to date or anything like it. (She has an incredible amount of work this year). She also told me that even though she might still have feelings for me, she doesn't want to lead me on in that way either--that she might not have the mental energy to deal with those feelings for the whole year, even after seeing me in January. As the conversation continued, she shifted from saying that she only wanted to see me as a friend to saying that she could tell how much I had changed already, and that she would "know" for sure as well as whether we could love each other as I claimed when she saw me. So, this is a unique chance and situation, but also tricky; I can't start casually hanging out with her, because I will be visiting her and staying with her family for like 9 days (hopefully, unless I need to leave earlier because things go bad). What are your takes? Advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Sorry, when I refer to her breaking up with me last night, I mean early September. It has been about two months since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZhaoZilong5 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Yeah, it seems like she wanted commitment from you back then, but your fear of LDRs caused a rift, and she's trying to find better options while still being attached to you. This is technically what happens locally to when people just date around. I had an on-and-off thing with a girl for 6 years. It would sometimes affect our relationships when datig other people. One day, she decided to come visit me to know for sure. Turned out we both did like each other, but the flaws between us were big enough that neither of us wanted to make a commitment. The most important thing to consider is your ability to handle a LDR. If you find out that you're unable to later, then this will be much more painful, but then again, no pain; no gain. If you honestly feel like you can give her what she deserves, then that visit will answer a lot of questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I don't think she is currently trying to find a better option than me, even if she thinks that she should in the future. I know her situation, and she literally doesn't have ANY time and is utterly consumed by work this year. So what she said about not having the energy to have any desire to date is true. Also, when she told me that she couldn't make me a commitment to not see other people, she also added, "though I can't even imagine being with anyone as deep and serious as I was with you." I really think that everything is more about me than it is about her wanting to have a significant relationship with someone else. The hookup sounded like it happened pretty soon after the breakup, as a result of her probably struggling really hard with her feelings and hurt and her decision, which i know couldn't have been easy for her, as a way to get over me and nothing more. She was never really trying to date someone else, just use him to mask her hurt from not having me around anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 no advice from anyone on what i should do in january when i see her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Oh, and another thing to add. I think I really messed up by telling her that I would wait for her and forgive her for having hooked up with that guy...I was trying to show her how much I have already grown. But probably a mistake, since that's essentially permission to keep exploring other guys knowing I will be there still. However, I did flat out tell her that if after I see her in January if there's nothing between us, then I can't be her friend. Was that a good thing to do? That was said when she was still saying how hurt she is and doesn't know if she could be with me again, and before her tone kind of changed to saying things like "you say we can love each other so purely, i don't and won't know until I see you," and then "Ok, I will know in January, I am growing in areas you have already grown in, maybe we will be on the same level when we meet," and "this has been such a pivotal and important week for me (something unrelated) maybe this conversation is part of what I will always remember from it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 Please, anyone, do you think that there is a chance she will want to reconcile with me? How should I act when I see her? I love her so much and want her back more than anything, I really need your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharky988 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I don't think she really HAS to reconcile, since she's already got you waiting there in case she decides she wants you back someday. Please reconsider this trip. I honestly think you're just setting yourself up for so much pain. She almost seems to enjoy keeping you all hopeful on the back burner. IF she ever wants to reconcile, she'll let you know! Until that happens, please protect yourself -- go NC and focus on YOU and healing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.