Needs to move slowly due to recent relationship. Advice?

[JohnnyTable]

Hello,

 

I have been on a few dates with a girl that I really like. She told me that she needs to move really slowly due to some things that happened not too long ago as she was in a long term relationship. That's all I really know about it (I don't know exacly how long ago it was, but I'm pretty sure she has been single for many months).

 

This is cool with me, because I am in the same boat.

 

Any advice on how to make this work for the best? Neither of us is rebounding.

 

I know that we could relate to each other with our stories, but I'm not sure when the best time to bring it up is.

 

I realize that whatever happens will happen naturally, but any advise from experience doesn't hurt either!

[Day_Walker]

Well anytime somebody says "i want to take things slowly" a red flag should go up. You dont know how honest she is being when she says that. It is possible that she is saying this because she doesnt have those type of feelings for you or it could be the truth. More often than not it seems to be that she doesnt have strong enough feelings for the guy. How patient do you really want to be? If she wants to take things slow, then she is saying that you two are just friends for the time being. Of course you can still use the friends thing you your advantage. She doesnt need to know that you are really waiting for her. You need to pursue other interests because i doubt it will work out with this girl. You need to think of her reasons for saying that she wants to take things slow instead of the natural pace, there could be many of reasons why but for whatever reason it means that she isnt ready for a relationship now. In my book that means that she has already told you no and there really isnt anything you can do about it.

[Roasted Carrots]

Take your cues from her, and let her call the shots.

 

For instance, it may be a romantic moment and you may want to kiss her, but you may want to wait and analyze her body language first. You know her better than we do, but if her eyes and body say yes, give her a soft kiss - nothing more.

 

I'm in the same type of situation, and it's hard to figure out how far I want to go or how fast he wants to go. We mostly play it by ear.

 

Just make sure you're comfortable, she's comfortable, and keep it light. You just got out of a serious relationship, and it's hard not to jump right into another one. Keep it fun.

 

Good Luck!

[JohnnyTable]

Good point. Perhaps I can just ask her?

[acts12]

First, How recent is recent for the two of you?

 

Second, whatever you do not bring it up. When it comes to talking about past relationships I have found that girls are much different than guys. You, as a guy, might be over it, and might not have much trouble with this. This is because guys are problem-solvers so once we get over something, its usually over. However with girls, they are driven mostly by emotions. And make decisions based on emotions. So if you bring up past reltionships with girls, usually the emotions will start running together and they start feeling uncomfortable. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It is just something that happens in girls. Everything runs together. Anything that can bring up previously bad emotions (i.e. talking about exes or situations about them) need to be avoided at all costs. At least for a while.

 

I recently learned this the hard way as I am in the same situation as you, and somehow a conversation came up about exes. I was fine, but the girl started getting really uncomforable. They start getting real nervous as the memories come back. This in return, made me uncomfortable and the relationship between the two of us is just now (one month later) getting back to being comfortable. This had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was her. But that is just what happens. I would be very very cautious and do go slow. And avoid ex-talk at ALL COSTS. I thought it would have been fine to talk about it, but int he end it was a disaster.

[JohnnyTable]

Thanks acts12. She knows nothing about my previous ex or relationship (we have not talked about it) other than the fact that I had one and it was long term. This came out after she offered the same information to me.

 

I agree that not talking about exes is a good idea.

 

For me, recent in that things ended in the June/July timeframe. I don't know when things ended for her, but I think it was at least that long ago.

[acts12]

My best advice is to just make up it up in your mind that you're not going to ask and that you really dont care about any other guy anyways. This will also make you look more confident cause you dont care about other guys. Girls loves this. Also, if she wants to talk about it, talk about. But only if she brings it up and dont let the emotions get rolling with it. Just dont touch a nerve (if you know what i mean.) Again, I learned the hard way. But sometimes thats the best way to learn.