Does my colleague like me?

[Rhia1978]

Hello everyone,

 

He joined 3 weeks back.I've been there for over 9 months now.In the first week his team leader introduced us & though I found him cute,I was'nt going to do anything cos of work.Through the week he'd walk past & say hi/bye,address me by name.Friday at work drinks we had a good conversation about sports & art.others were around as well so it wasn't a one on one chat.

 

Following Monday he emailed me asking how my day's going-if I was bored I could visit his workstation to gush about my favourite male sports personality - or to talk about anything else.I had meetings that afternoon - didn't answer till later.Whole week we emailed each other.He wanted to check my art out-I told him it's on Facebook-he sent me a fb request immediately-I added him.We talked sports & he asked me to a game with him later this year.I told him I'd be overseas on holidays but after I get back we can.He asked me to watch him play sports.I asked him how long his season is on - he said march & I told him I'd visit after I got back from overseas.He also told me of a late evening art class at the national gallery-his cousin had told him.I was curious about his art talk & asked him if he's into art he should join an art group am a member of-he said if I twisted his arm,he'd be up for it.In one of my emails I'd told him his team leader would be impressed with his work-he said 'thanx-I'd rather you be mean than nice to me'.It was obvious he was flirting.Wednesday my colleague organised sudden drinks - he was asking about after work drinks so I asked him to join us.At drinks he told me he felt I hadn't noticed him in the 1st week.We were playing 'guess the age' & when he found out am 4 yrs older than him apparently he looked like he was thinking 'wow she's this hot at this age'.After he left,my colleagues told me he's into me.Thursday & Friday he asked me to lunch.He'd flirt with me joking about the bed in our sick room.I told him it's inappropriate-he laughed 'we aren't in the office'.

 

Friday drinks we had a great time-went to a pub after drinks at work-other colleagues were there too. We ended up kissing-left together & went back to his place.We chatted with his Flatmate-I got a cab.Nothing had happened.Midway I remembered I'd left my watch at his place,turned the cab around.After I got the watch I wanted to leave but he stopped me. Said it was too late to set out. He gave me change of clothes.We lay in his bed for a bit talking & then things happened. He asked me if i would tell anyone at work & i said i would tell me best friend only. He said he was worried about his probation & would prefer to keep it under wraps. He had a game the next day so we went off to sleep. There was no cuddling. I felt weird. In the morning I told him I won't beat around the bush - that I like him & asked him how he felt about what had happened. He said he hadn't realised how 'fragile' I am & that we should cool it off for a bit. I felt bad & didn't say anything. I couldn't find my mobile so he rang it - helped me to charge it. I started getting ready to leave - he said he would have driven me if he had a car. I told him it's fine & that he had to go to his game anyway. I went to his lounge room - he stayed in bed. His other Flatmate was very nice to me & offered to make me coffee - I politely declined. I left - he didn't even walk me to the door - just said 'see you on monday'. In the cab I realised I'd left my earrings at his place. I emailed him on fb & asked him to bring them in on Monday. He answered immediately - asked me not to worry about what had happened & that it was certainly not boring with a smiley face. I said I certainly am not a boring person - told him I'd like to see him again. He read the email but didn't answer till much later - was at the game I knew. He said he was stuffed from the game - said 'we kind of rushed into things too quickly last night didn't we. Whiskey eh. Wasn't my intention for all that to have happened. Just hold off on random nights of passion for the next few months with this probation'. He knew I was getting a haircut & asked me about it. I agreed the sex was premature - that I wanted to take it slow & get to know him. I said was unclear about what he wanted - just friendship or dating. He answered saying 'let's keep it at friends & go from there'. I was crushed & said 'completely agree - lets just keep being work colleagues - keep it professional'.

 

On Monday I tried my best to avoid him. My friend was doing training with him & after he had left, I walked in to talk about a work thing. He walked back in & started talking to another guy who was still in the room. A friend rang me & I walked out as though busy on the mobile. Colleagues who sit around me told me he had come by my desk even before I had come in. Then round lunchtime I was trying to send an email & leave my desk when he caught me. He looked worried - asked me how I am. I was as natural & nice as I could. He asked me out to lunch. I hesitantly agreed. At lunch I tried to stop him but he wanted to talk about the night. He was worried about the rumour mill. I told him his probation wasn't the issue - reputation maybe. I told him a lot of young ladies were joining soon - so to be careful. The conversation was done in very good spirit & we were laughing a lot. He assured me he had never done this before - almost like I was accusing him of being a player. I had told him on the night itself that I had never ever done this before. He told me he'd spoken to his cousin about me & he'd told him to lie low for the first 6 months of work. He said I have a 'magnetic' personality. He accepted he was flirting via his emails the previous week. I told him to be careful with emails. He told me his Flatmates really liked me & one even texted him 'she's a cool chick'. He told me he'd heard me sobbing while I was changing into his clothes & said he can't tolerate women crying cos he fears he's done something wrong...that he feels the same way when his mum or sisters cry. I assured him it wasn't him but work stress - I was just letting off some steam. I had some bruises on my arms - he asked if he had left them - I nodded - he apologised - I told him I bruise easily. I was very happy with the conversation...thought he liked me. He said the real test would be friday drinks - i told him i will be staying away - 'your not going all shy on me are you?'. I laughed.

 

After that the week went oddly. I kept trying to avoid him as discreetly as possible but he'd follow me into the kitchen. He emailed me a bit but his emails were very dry. He wouldn't walk past my desk much. In the first place he shouldn't at all. There's a shorter route to the toilets/printers/exits/kitchen from his desk - so he shouldn't be passing my desk at all. Because of meetings & training, we didn't have an opportunity to go for lunch.

 

Friday he came by my desk & asked me what I was doing later in the evening. I said 'nothing' - didn't say anything else. Later I was hanging out with my colleagues at the same pub we'd been to on a Wednesday. I emailed him on fb & told him. He answered much later - I knew he had not read my email till then. He'd been shopping - asked about my evening - told me he had a game on the weekend again - asked me what I had on - said he'd be sore on Monday. I was hoping he'd ask for my nr but no. I have a Halloween party & need to pack for overseas. He ended the convo with 'have fun at the party & enjoy packing'.*

 

So this is the story. Once more - sorry it's so long. I really like him. Of course I've told him that. I thought he liked me too. Not sure if there's any hope cos I do want to pursue a relationship with him. We don't work in the same section. Am I being paranoid in thinking that he's being polite & nice to me just cos we work together but doesn't want anything more to do with me...or is he really just being cautious as his cousin told me cos of his probation but wants me? What do I do?

 

Thanx in advance!!*

[DylanNotorious]

I think he likes you - but not enough. You should forget about him otherwise it's going to get messy. You had your quick roll around in the hay (which is all he wanted) and now you sit there together at lunch, while you laugh and pretend that it does not bother you that he is acting dis-interested. Because he is dis-interested and is just letting you down easy. Stop all lunch dates immediately. Stop all emails immediatley too.

 

From now on he gets "Hi and Bye" of your time. Don't give him anymore. You got used and your at work. Be strong and let him go.

[Rhia1978]

Do I delete him from Facebook then? I am trying to avoided him cos it hurts to see him & to have to tell myself 'crush the butterflies cos he's not into you'. I only have 3 weeks before I go overseas for over 2 months. I just want to know if there's anything to come back to. Everyone is telling me to move on (except a couple of close friends who reckon he's just frozen out of fear of work gossip'. This week's mixed signals are confusing me. I can see in his eyes that he likes me but I am frozen too - afraid to say anything more

[happpybear]

he seems very set on not dating until his probation is up, so why did he initiate and pursue you prior? he should never have done anything to begin with, no flirting, no chatting you up, nothing. but he did anyway. And then using the "too much whiskey" excuse for the sex, all this tells me that he has issues with self control. What he should have done is keep his crush to himself if he didn't think it right to act on it, or if he couldn't deny it, just take you aside and be honest about his feelings, sex not included.

 

So think about that, he sounds immature, and changeable, and lacking self-control. Do you wanna date that?

[DylanNotorious]

YES!!!!! Absolutley delete him off face-book. Once you are overseas enjoy your environment and have a great time. Get into the mind-set now that he is not what your coming back too, that you couldn't care less about him.

 

P.S - Every company I have ever worked out, if the guy was truly into the girl he could care less about work gossip, and he went for the girl. Everyone respected the guys' choice and that was the end of it. So don't fall into this false thinking about "Work Gossip" preventing him from being with you. It's not true, so don't believe that.

[happpybear]

This week's mixed signals are confusing me. I can see in his eyes that he likes me but I am frozen too - afraid to say anything more

 

oh god i have been here, with a coworker and it ended poorly. I say move on. Mixed signals are a sign of mixed emotion. He made the decision not to date you. don't get sucked into whatever he is trying to do.

[Rhia1978]

Thanx guys. Thanx for being honest with me. Drat - I was hoping someone would say something different & give me hope I agree that if someone likes someone enough - gossip shouldn't matter - I don't care about it cos I like him enough to not care.

 

And yes I agree that he shouldn't have come on so strong in only his 2nd week. He should have thought about his probation then.

 

But can I not turn the tables AT ALL & do something to get him genuinely interested in me?

 

After all he did show genuine interest in my art, discussed our families, asked me to watch him play sports and to accompany him to games - these all show he wanted to spend quality time with me - doesn't it? That night has thrown a spanner (assuming he wasn't after just that) - does it mean all hope is gone?

[DylanNotorious]

Yes but at the beginning you two were just flirting and he was sizing you up to see how you fit. So he was telling you all the things he'd like for you two to do together. But as soon as sex is initiated, it changes everything. Suddenly he feels the pressure to committ to the situation. Look already you want a relationship with this guy, and he will feel that pressure.

 

The best thing to do is go on your trip and clear your head.

[Rhia1978]

And to stop him from feeling the pressure I have tried as much as possible to remain out of his way without making it obvious. But if I delete him from fb...or completely avoid him...won't it make matters worse? If I act cool (that doesn't mean I'll hang out with him) then maybe he won't feel the pressure & seek me out?

[DylanNotorious]

Ok well leave him as a facebook "friend" then. He will only seek you out if he wants too! There is nothing you can do to make that happen. Hey, you didn't do a thing when he fancied you at the beginning, so you don't need to do anything now.

 

Also, I think this trip will be good for you because you certainly have built up some sort of fantasy/attraction to this guy, when really all he has given you is empty words.

[Rhia1978]

True - I did nothing to get noticed then - he sought me out. Yes this week I have done a couple of things that I hadn't done that time - I had visited his desk once - sent him a couple of emails - but besides that even while I was facilitating a training on Thursday, I never approached his terminal. I am sure he noticed that. He sought me out that day. We bumped into each other in the foyer & I didn't get into the lift he got into - he called out after me 'where are you going?'. Then while I was having lunch with my friend - he came & joined us even though I jokingly told him he wasn't allowed to do so. Then he kept staring at me while I was sharing a witty repartee with another male colleague. I have decided to see how the next few weeks go - if nothing happens, I will put my cards on the table once more & ask him. I want to know for sure...cannot guess what's in his head

[happpybear]

I feel like he is playing a massive head game with you, he told you he won't date you, but then does all this crap that you just outlined above. It is sketchy, i think he is just trying to keep you on the backburner, or is just an attention getter.

 

Just be strictly professional at work. that is what he wanted, but he is not doing it at all which speaks again of lack of self-control and hot/cold behaviour. YOU need to be consistent, you don;t have to avoid him, but don;t seek him out, say hi and bye, and how are you, blah blah blha when you have to (like when passing in the halls). Nothing more, no more personal talk about your life. if he tries, be vague and change the subject or just say you are really busy and need to get back to work. You don't want to date this guy....he didn't treat you very well in the beginning, so just move on.

[Rhia1978]

Hello all a quick update. I had turned down his offer of friendship. Told him that I am attracted to him & I couldn't be just friends with him. He said he appreciated but honesty - since he has so much on his plate he did not want to mess me around - that we get on well & he hoped things wouldn't change. I did not reply to that since I had made my decision to not communicate any longer except for work purposes. However everyday he would still make sure we exchanged a hello or goodbye - and he'd do that even when I'd have my back to him - he'd call out my name so I had to turn around.

 

Then this last thursday he was walking past my desk more often. I was in my manager's office telling her what had happened (she had returned from holidays & all this had happened while she was away - she's like a mother hen to us). She used to work in the same dept he used to work at. I came out of her office & he was standing & chatting with my colleague. We nodded at each other & I introduced my manager to him. My colleague & I were supposed to step out for drinks so I started getting ready - walked away telling my colleague to meet me at the lifts. While I was waiting for her, he popped his head through the exit door & asked me 'are you going for a drink rhia?'. I nodded & hesitantly said 'do you want to come along?'. He said 'only if you want me to'. I shrugged. My manager saw all of this & told me the next day that I was being very *****y to him. Anyway he came along & we had a great time. He left after 1 drink so I could relax. My other 2 colleagues told me I had behaved very well.

 

The following day (Friday) I had been requested by the executive director of his division to speak at their meeting. I was on edge & had wanted to ask my colleague to do it instead of me but I was advised not to do so. I was told to show him that I am in control & remind him of my stature in the organisation. So I went & it went very well. I was funny, the audience was very appreciative & receptive. It felt good. We bumped into each other a bit & it felt like we were getting back to that nice & friendly space we had been in before the sex.

 

I wanted to avoid work drinks but again was advised not to. I was chatting with a colleague sitting at the bar when he walked in & plonked down right next to me. We did not speak as he talked to others while I kept talking to my colleague. Then he swivelled around & we both said hello & started chatting - he showed me some books he had bought. His team leaders were there & we all had a great conversation about books & movies. Two of my closest work friends were sitting behind us on the couch - he went & joined them. I started talking to another guy - we always pull each others legs. He saw us flirting (I was intentionally doing it but as subtly as possible) & came up to us - almost as though he was jealous. Later on one of my work friends told me that while my work friends told me that while sitting with them he had his eyes on me constantly. She had not met him earlier & after meeting him she said he surely likes me & is a nice guy.

 

Then he suggested that we all go to a pub - funnily enough I had always wanted to go to this pub. We walked up in a big bunch & he kept looking back to check where I was. At the pub both of us put tables together but unfortunately he didn't get to sit next to me. The guy I had been flirting with was next to me. He knows about us & decided to swap seats with him. Me & my friends had been checking out the chef. So when he sat next to me he asked me to show him who I had been perving at. I pointed him out & he said 'if you find him attractive then how could you have found me attractive only a few weeks back?' - I laughed & said I don't just have one type. It almost seemed like he was insecure - scared almost of losing me. He even touched my arm. I had been noticing that he tried to touch me whenever he had an opportunity - I'd pass a glass & try hard to avoid touching his fingers but he somehow made sure they touched.

 

Me & my friend had to leave for the theatre - he looked almost sad that I was leaving. One of my work friends texted me & said he left almost straight after I left.

 

Not sure what to make of this - it almost seems like he's adamant that he won't allow me to not be friends with him. Or does he like me? Thanx in advance!!

[calichick007]

Nothing points to him liking you as more than a friend or someone to fool around with... you seem to be reading a whole lot into facial expressions, glances, etc. - none of which mean much when he already told you straight up he isn't going to date you. If you're looking for anything more than casual sex, I'd look elsewhere. I'd also stop gossiping about this with people at work if you want to retain a professional image. This is the kind of situation where people will appear supportive and then talk about you behind your back, which I'm sure isn't what you want.

[Rhia1978]

Thanx Calichick007 for your insight. Very strange for a guy who only wants friendship with me to get worked up about me speaking to another colleague & checking out the chef. Oh & why would he stare at me while sitting with my colleagues? I had my back to him - wouldn't have realised it if my colleague had not told me. and why leave after I left the pub? oh I forgot to mention that while we were chatting he told me he knew I had stayed at home on Tuesday & that I was doing a dj act at a club late Thursday - when I asked him how he knew, he told me he's been checking my facebook. So am I still being dilusional that he might like me?

 

Btw I have not gossiped at work - ppl at work already know cos one of my colleagues who saw us kissing has already yapped. Yes I have spoken to a few but they are very trust-worthy friends - tried & tested.

 

I am pretty sure he likes me - now whether it is enough for him to date me is another matter. Yes he wants to keep it to friendship - but his actions show otherwise. Besides he is new to the city & scared of not doing well during probation - maybe it is too much to think of dating at the moment.

[happpybear]

don't date him. He rejected you, after he got in your pants (cause i guess the sex part was ok for him butactually dating you isn't) and now he gets creepy possessive if you flirt with another man that shows you interest because you are single because he let you get away.....he sounds like a headcase.