Help

[Confuzzled19]

I need help or ideas on how to better move on.

 

Its been a year since we broke(3 year rl). We got back together briefly seven monthes ago and finally stopped talking sometime in July on a good friendly note. Our breakup was nasty. Nasty as hell. It was like a war. We both emotionally an physically abused each other after we broke up. Rebounded hard on others. Eventually we reconciled but we realized we couldnt forgive and forget the damage that was done and separated.

 

My problem is, ive done all i can to forget about her. Ive blocked her fb. Deleted all pictures of her and her number(and this was monthes ago!). Even moved away a state over. but for some reason my mind will not stop thinking about her. As much as im convinced i dont ever want her back and ive crushed hope the best i can. i cant undestand why. Ive seen and slept with a good amount of women since but my mind keeps reverting back to her memory. I work out, work hard, and travel. Everything to keep my mind off her

 

Please help. I need to forget her but i simply cant. She was my first love and i dont want this pain forever.

[MasterPo]

It takes time. I'm told some type of chemical detox is in progress and you got it let it drain. Some draining takes longer than others. I remember at year and change I was constantly thinking about her. I mean detailed thoughts and conversations, it was painful and I thought "how do people get over this??!!! am I so weak??"

 

Nope. It took a bit more time but one day, drain was complete. Anger replaced it and I was fairly angry for quite awhile. Not good angry, if there is such a thing, but a insidious burn that wasn't healthy. Thank god that passed and for no contact. Take care of yourself, do challenging activities and soon enough it will pass. Good luck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I looked at your last thread on this and it sounds like this was a toxic relationship. Sadly toxic relationships really leave their mark..not so much because of love, but because there feels like unfinished business. Kind of like having a jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing and it is hard to get it out of your mind until that piece has been found and put in its proper place. Rebounding and running to have sex with countless nameless faces is never the answer to getting closure on a past relationship...it often just masks the pain for a fleeting moment and then makes the person feel even lonelier. Basically you are using sex like some people use drugs..but it doesn't work.

 

Have you really thought about what went wrong in the relationship? Why was your ex clingy and jealous? Is it because she is just that type of personality or did she have just cause for being clingy and jealous. Just cause meaning were you flirtatious with other women, did you ever cheat, did you ever make her feel like second best to other women. I am asking this because it sounds like you have a tendency to need women flocking to you judging from what you said about sleeping with a good amount of women. Were you like this before dating her? Were you able to shut off this tendency of needing women around you while you were dating her? Rather than focusing on the actual anger and hostility that went on...you need to focus on why there was anger and hostility. If you can properly figure out why it all went wrong (your actions or her personality type or a bit of both) then maybe you will be able to get the closure you need.

[Confuzzled19]

Thank Master Po. Ill keep that in mind.

 

Crazyaboutdogs. I really want your opinion on my behavior or what youd do if you dated me in this situation. I recently read up on GIGS are thought it may or may not have played a role. Anyway. I'll come clean and say i mistreated this girl. During the first half, everything was great. We were head over heals. It was intense since the beginning but both of us were weary of each other. We were shy. It was kinda cute but it spiraled fast. She got very clingy, wanted to spend every hour with me. At first o enjoyed it. I acted just as clingy but the honeymoon phase wore off quick for me. I started to distance myself.

 

She got very codependent on me. Needed constant reassurance i loved her but im young, i wanted to party. I admit my eyes fell upon other women on some days but on others i was head over heels for her again. But it got worse. Shes got overly clingy, smothering, and jealous. I couldnt have female friends, i got constantly interrogated if i left. She text me 24/7. If i didnt respond for an hour, the constant calls rolled it. It got too much for me, i wanted freedom. Then i did the unthinkable. I got drunk and cheated on her. The worse part? I didnt care. I felt justified.

 

Im pretty sure she got suspicious. She'd grill me on if i thought some girl was attractive. Constantly ask if i was cheating. Convinced herself id leave her one day for some '*****'. Im a jokester. I kept making jokes like 'lets have a threesome!' To which she wasnt happy.

 

Then the double standards rolled in. I couldnt hang with women but she could hang with men. She demanded i delete my old exes numbers but it was ok that she could keep her's(to her credit, i argued thats unfair and she deleted her exes but i kept mine). I got worse. I had a huge pet peeve of people looking at my phone or laptop and forbade her from doing it. She got paranoid alot. It drove me nutty. When she got drunk, i couldnt be near her. Shes berated and yell at me. It was embarrassing and even embarrass herself.

 

At one point, i snapped and broke up with her feeling like i was stuck in a relationship with a crazy person. She took it hard but respect my wishes and didnt contact me. I toyed with her. Show up near her, kiss her and leave. She cry an say she'd rather die then be without me. I just blew her off. Eventually though i came crawling back to her. I drew up demands. Saying we can only sleep together. She agreed. So we never saw each other during daylight. Naturally this upset her.

 

Fast forward. Everything goes to hell. We argue over every little thing. She'd get abusive, slap and kick me. Scratch up my body in fits of uncontrolled rage. I just remember everytime i looked into her eyes. It was like looking into at a sad lonely child trapped in a small cell. I find out later from a friend that grew up her and he said she had extreme anger and bipolar issues. She made me feel so controlled, no wonder i cheated. It was like she wanted me all to herself. She got overly jealous by anything! I thought she'd murder me one day. Her tantrums were so...scary

 

Then it suddenly all changed. She started hanging with her friends more often. I loved it. It made me relindle why i liked her because we got the space i always wanted. I started to be more sweet but i did relapse a few times. I come home, and she'd be dressed in her best lingerie waiting for me, id pass out drunk on the couch...i didnt even touch her. She'd invite me to all the parties she went to. If i found a party...id ditch her and go by myself. It was then i found a girl i clicked with. Texted her all day everyday. I wanted her but i still loved my gf. I was stupid. Im disgusted even writing this. I told women i was single. Accidently flirt with women infront of her. My girlfriend would want me tk dance with her, id say no then an hour later dance with someone else.

 

But even though i was compulsive to do this. I kept telling my girlfriend how i much i loved her, that i wanted to marry her. She ate it up. In ways i meant it. I knew i treated her terribly but in some parts of my brain i was hoping id get over this 'wild phase' but i could tell she didnt trust me. I didnt deserve it anyhow.

 

Then my world came crashing down

 

We had a huge argument over some trivial. It got physical. In the end, i punched her gut. She broke up with me and stumbled out. It took a week before i regretted it and wanted her back. She refused. She said she wanted to find herself. A few days in i literally called her and cried. She took me back. We spent the whole night saying how much we cant live without each other. I thought things were back to normal. It wasnt. She'd contact me less and less. She'd say she had a strange urge to be single. We'd be around friends and she'd say 'why cant u look more like him?' it hurt. But then i compuslvely cheated on her again with another girl. I felt empty. Well two weeks later, i got fed up and yelled at her for being so distant. She broke up with me again.

 

My confidence was shattered to pieces. I begged and pleaded. Promise to change. She refused and cut all contact with me. A few weeks later. We run into each other at a bar. She saw me and yelled at me calling me a son of a ***** that never loved her. I tried to explain i did but instead she hooks up with a mutual friend infront of me. I begged her not to go thru with the hookup but she did anyway

 

She started seeing him alot behind my back and i retilated by seeing another girl which hurt baaaad. I still burned her but each time i wanted to her back. She blew me off. Said she was young and wanted to mess with guys.

 

I cut contact again. Monthes later she calls me. We catch up and decide to be FWBs but no love crap. I was still very hurt and decided to release my feelings and just not care. But for some reason she slipped back into relationship mentality. She wanted kiss goodbye. Sleep over night with me. I started to get attached again. But then we fought alot. We couldnt forgive each other for what did put each other through in the past. The lies and hookups. I tried to change be nicer. I refused to lay a hand on her but she'd slap the hell out of me. She'd go APE****. Blaming me for everything. Accusing me of cheating again. If i hungout with a girl, she assumed her and i were dating behind her back. Her insecurities went overload. I was the devil to her. She had those eyes. The eyes that screamed she distrusted me that she protecting herself from me. After a heated night. We called it quits. Accepted we cannot repair the mess that we created and perhaps we werent meant for each other as we once thought. She went back to saying shes heavily confused.

 

We didnt talk in forever until a few monthes ago when i decided to move to florida. She walked up to me, gave me a hug, looked at me with watery pitiful eyes, and said goodbye. I smiled and left that very evening. She broke NC a few times wishing me well and occassionally asking if i had a new girl. All i said was thanks and no.

 

And thats it. I have an amazing life which i heard she found out about. Apparently life for her isnt so good. I dont know anymore.

 

Whew! That was long. Doubt anyone would read. But hey. I got that off my chest.

 

But there you have. A horrible relationship. Me being a flaky emotionless cheater turned clingy and remorsefully. And she, an impulsive impulsive clinger turned promiscuous and spiteful.

 

Even with these horrible faults, we were best friends at heart. We'd talk for hours and had alot in common. Given the chance would i take back every bad thing ive done? Yes. Luckily she never found out i cheated on her though. But as of now. Its best being forgotten. Subconsciously, yes i deserved the pain she gave after we broke.