Im fed up - need to vent about my situation

[Philabonia]

Ok, a little about me. I am an entrepreneur with a JD and MBA from Ivy League institutions. After my fiancé left me in 2010, I went on a search for "myself" - I traveled around the world, experienced more new things than I could previously imagine, and started a company when I came back. Now, I am President of a highly successful business services company, and make a good living. Nonetheless, I am completely and totally unhappy with my dating life. I simply cannot get the attention of anyone I would like to date or be with.

 

Yes, I am aiming high - yet, why wouldn't I? I am a body model, a very successful businessman, and a very educated person in general. Yet it does not seem to matter - I go to clubs and bars with friends, and see women with total losers. Now, not just the women I am attracted in - but women of all types, with men who simply do not hold a candle to me. I know I sound like a narcissistic ass - I feel like that, honestly. But its the truth - I simply feel unsatisfied in my dating life. I feel like I am settling constantly, and when I am not, I am alone, and not finding anyone I want to be with. Do I love beautiful things? Of course. Yet I do not thing that is wrong - I simply feel that I am horrible with women because of my past. I was essentially left at the alter, after years and years of horrible relationships and infidelity. I have been witness to multiple horrid relationships that I threw everything I had into, only to be let down. Frankly, I am tired of it.

 

I have two options - become asexual (not easy, but can be done emotionally over time), or keep hope. I am just so tired of being let down. I look for the good in a person, only to be let down - I look for a person I hope to change, only to be hurt. I am so tired of looking everywhere, only to be hurt by people I want to love. I may have selection error (i.e. I aim high), but after aiming lower and lower over the years, I am tired of settling. Please, advice - pull no punches.

[Klokwurk]

I got this.

 

Why did you call those other men total losers? That is a pathetic attitude to have towards your fellow man, and women can smell that annoying, egotistical narcissist a mile away. You reek of this attitude.

 

You need to learn some humility, and become at peace with yourself.

 

What you have in education, career, and looks, you lack in social grace, conscience, and compassion - all things, I think its safe to say, are desirable qualities in a man. Work on these.

[jas56]

I totally understand how you feel Phil. Klok, I don't think that he was saying the men are losers because he simply wants to have a bad attitude, I'm sure if there were some with class he would acknowledge that too. Let's say you see a couple and one is totally badmouthing the other or even worse putting hands on em. I would have that same mentality like why is that person dealing with all that, the curb is right over there. I think that's where OP is coming from like, people can do better but they choose to settle for whatever reason. Its rather a, hey I am a guy who has his own thing, on his own, well off etc. What is it about that, that people find intimidating? Maybe the post came off wrong but I see it a different way. Thing is Phil, I honestly don't know what to tell you but its better for someone to see the quality in you (and appreciate it) then for you to have to show them. I do agree with Klock that maybe you just have to find a peace and I know that is NOT easy but we are all a work in progress. Are there things that you know needs change? Maybe you need to stop aiming and just................let it be I suppose. Develop a friendship before taking the dive.

[Joleen]

Quite frankly, you sound like a smug jerk. Maybe you're not, but you're certainly coming accross that way. What I'm getting from your post is "I'm awesome! I'm so awesome! I'm smart and good looking and well-traveled and SOOO smart and good looking why doesn't everyone GET that and realize how awesome I am? Other guys aren't as good as me but they get women!"

 

Perhaps you're not the paragon of manliness and fabulousness you think you are? At the very least, you're putting out some kind of vibe that's driving away the women you want to be with. If it's the vibe I got from above, then I can understand - you're coming accross self-absorbed and egotistical.

 

Also, someone with your level of education should really know you had a "fiancée" not a "fiancé."

[CeeLambrini]

Hi Phil

First off - whatever makes these other men losers, the women with them obviously like them for whatever reason and "loser" is just your opinion on them. You may be successful career-wise but that's not all women look for in men. Your bitterness from past relationships automatically gives you a distrust toward women and the fact that they're with other men who you deem inferior to you must re-enforce this.

You don't mention what you are personally looking for in a woman either, you seem to care more about the qualities you have to offer rather than what sort of women you would want apart from when you said you aimed "high". What does that mean anyway? The more successful? The best looking women? The best personality? If it's the latter, then how could you possibly know what they are like when you can't get their attention. Your attitude is "I am the best, therefore I deserve better". If this is how you feel, you're only going to attract the equally arrogant women, who will only ever want confirmation that they are better than you. I for one wouldn't want someone who think's that his self worth is more than anybody else on this planet.

[happpybear]

I can understand if you are just ranting on the forum and i hope that you don't come accross that way in public. I feel like this sometimes too, and sometimes when you are frustrated it comes of as really negative and "i'm better than everyone".

 

Could be that you scare woman away. Insecure woman. How old are you and how old are the woman you are meeting.?

 

I think most people are normal or average, and seek the same, and when you are the whole package you need to find the whole package in a partner, someone who won't get scared that you are who you are.

 

In my life currently the only people i know in relationships are emotionally messed up people, some have very little going for them and yet are partnered. The poepl whom i think are awesome and would be a great catch (with lives similar to yours) are perpetually single...god knows why...if that is any consolation...

[paradisa]

You don't mention what specifically you are looking for in a woman and you also don't detail any interactions you've had with women. Are you too focused on the already attached women at the bars & clubs that you are unable to notice available, single women in the same setting? Are you going up to women and they are shooting you down or are you struggling to approach women?

Maybe the bars/clubs are not the place to look for a woman who meets your expectations. Perhaps you can look for dates in other settings?

[Philabonia]

I agree with all the advice. Frankly, I am a little embarrassed of myself, as I wrote that not in the proper frame of mind to write what I did. I deserve all of the poignant replies. Note fiancé is autocorrected as such on my computer

 

I don't have a bad attitude intentionally, and though I may be a little narcissistic at times, you must understand that I have devoted my life to what our society deems as "success." I probably need to reframe my values a bit, but I do not want to be unhappy in social situations. I guess I bring my own biases to the situations. Yet, so does everyone else. Fundamentally, I see what women settle for, and I know what I am. I find it hard to not associate the two, and stay blissfully ignorant of what I see.

 

"What you have in education, career, and looks, you lack in social grace, conscience, and compassion - all things, I think its safe to say, are desirable qualities in a man. Work on these."

 

- Good advice. I also think selection error plays a large part; high IQ people seem to be deficient in regards to EQ, and unfortunately, I may have fallen into that trap. Because I want a women I can find interesting and stimulating on all levels, I look for pretty much the same person as myself. Negative feedback loop!

 

Anyways, getting back to the point - I am a bit besmirched by the responses, as they were to a guy getting back from the bar (man, was I an easy target haha), but I get the basic theme of the responses - "who gives a damn what you've done and who you are, you can always be better in ways that cannot be measured." I need to stop expecting my resume to speak for me, and get out there and interact (incredibly hard for me, for some reason).

 

Next question - how the hell do you get out of your own way?? I can't seem to get past what I think as "fair" and talk to women in the ways that I want. Agh - own worst enemy right here.

 

For the record: 26 years old; I agree that bars and clubs are absolutely horrid in almost all facets, and I struggle with talking to women in those scenarios generally - I feel like a rat in a cage, forced to do the mating dance. Utter rubbish, but its the "thing" we do in our society

[Philabonia]

And another thing - thank you for pulling no punches. I believe we must be honest to get honest feedback, and I appreciate that from all of you, whether you were disgusted by my feelings and thoughts or not. It was genuinely how I felt in the moment, and I can see a lot of issues with my thought process in hindsight.

 

Now, I just can't figure out the next "step" - I am a very pragmatic person, and simply do not know how to get to the next point moving forward. So, has anyone felt some of these things (frustration, unfairness, etc.) and found a way to move past or get around them?

[Klokwurk]

So, has anyone felt some of these things (frustration, unfairness, etc.) and found a way to move past or get around them?

 

I try to see people for all of their faults, imperfections, and I try to appreciate the beauty each person possesses before throwing them to the back of my mind as "boring" or "trashy"

 

I am pretty aloof in real life, but I counter this with a sincere passion to help people; if I meet a girl who does not appreciate education like I do, I try to find something else we can meet on. It is anything but classy to make someone feel small or inferior to you; so instead of having the attitude "i am so much better than you" (tempting, I know!), try "i am going to make each person around me feel better about themselves and what they know." Try to lift other people up, to meet you on your level. Women will see this generous, compassionate side of you, and this will counter-balance any of that negative egotism you shed here and there.

 

I smile and look into a person's eyes as often as I can. Feel their voice and their heart, and be humble, and be a small light in his or her life. (yea, its some hippe crap, but this is how I got past my feelings of frustration and unfairness). I know it can be difficult, especially in this society where we are brought up to fear and detest each other in this sick capitalist rat race, but if you give everyone a chance, youll be surprised more often than youd think.

 

Of course some people are hopelessly lost, haha, and you just gotta let them learn on their own.

[blueidealist24]

Maybe they are intimidated by the education and career success you have. Maybe they want a man who is more on the same level as them. Just like a woman often doesn't want to date a guy with no job and no money, having a high amount of success and money puts you separate from the norm too.

[Joleen]

OK, NOW you seem like someone I'd want to talk to

 

Thanks for the honesty and for not attacking those of us who kind of attacked you - I really, really can't stand smug, arrogant men, but I think you're better than that.

 

My advice to you is to focus on the woman you're talking to - think about whether you like her, not whether she's digging you. When you focus on yourself too much, it makes it hard for someone else to get in there. Focus on her.

 

It's tough out there. I think you're also at an age where you're meeting women who aren't ready to settle down and get serious - all the ones who wanted to got married at 22. Now they're just partying it up. Or there are still a few like me, but we're working so hard at our jobs or grad school that you won't meet us at a bar.

[Avila]

I'd agree with Joleen. NOW you sound like someone I'd want to talk to! Also there's a lot of young women like myself who have been in long term relationships, they haven't worked out and are happy to live their single lives to the fullest while we are young.

 

That isn't to say we aren't looking for relationships but we aren't terribly enthusiastic either (especially if past experience has been negative.) For myself it's nice that you are successful and driven but it's your level of success I would not be so fussed about. Women like a man who knows what he wants and goes for it. But that doesn't mean he has to attain a high degree of power, money or status.

 

Narcissistic, entitled, smug men are a complete turn off. You'll only attract women with the same negative qualities. That's frustrating. After all, your relationships reflect who you are. Instead, think about what you would like to find in a woman. What is that? An affectionate nature? Amiability? Common sense? Generosity? What could you offer a woman who has these traits? People are what they value. In your own way you need to tweak yourself to portray what you think is important to attract the kind of mate you want. Easier said that done but doable.

 

Concentrate on really paying attention to a woman. When men are nervous they tend to talk a lot and forget to listen and draw a woman out because all she'll do is be polite and smile. Be interested and she'll be interested in finding out who you are too.

 

A good woman will appreciate the drive and determination you have that has brought you material success. But in the end she won't be terribly interested if you aren't more evolved emotionally. We are all looking for the person who lights us up by simply being themselves. Material success, etc has very little to do with that.

[kate150]

I like what Klokwurk said. Turn things around on yourself. Try to make someone else's day better because of who they are and what interests them. Focus on them! Without expectation that something good will come back to you. Expectations are the devil! Good luck. You do sound like a much nicer guy in the second post than in the first.

[CeeLambrini]

I also like what Klok said. We can all work on making others feel better about them themselves rather than worry about whether or not we are lowering ourselves to talk to them.

[Klokwurk]

I like all the girls who liked what I said.

 

To the OP: you say it is hard for you to get out there and interact? Well, the only way to fix this is to put yourself out there over and over, COMPLETELY WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS! Go to a bar, talk to random people, say something dumb, turn off someone, take note, move on, be nice, try again. If you are tired of drinking, I am sure there are a million volunteer/social opportunities where you live.

 

You got ambition and accomplishments - now its time to make yourself into a person guys want to have a beer with, girls want to love.

 

You are 26, you have plenty of time. Just tone down the ego there, brother.

[MicheleDC]

When you have settled in the past, what did you settle for? Have you tried letting your friends and family know you are interested in meeting someone? They will know you best and can probably introduce you, if you don't like the bar scene. Especially, don't go overboard speeding a lot of money on dates when you first meet. Maybe just go out for brunch or some sports activity where you can get to know a person better. And don't make the next woman pay what other women in the past did to you.

[FYI]

The start to success in life begins with a positive attitude. People who are successful at relationships, successful in their careers and successful in their personal endeavors are successful because they have the right attitude. Attitude is everything in life.

[Thorshammer]

Maybe because your personality isnt on point? Especially if you are spending time watching women and their boyfriends, and thinking about how they are such losers when compared to you. Its such a bitter and insecure way of thinking. There is more to the plate when it comes to attraction.

[Notbad]

If you are looking for someone as smart and successful as you, maybe you should go to seminars or conventions (something mind stimulating) rather than bars and clubs (1% chance of people finding love in the club).

[giggidy]

First, don't meet girls in bars. They are trashy. Second, either these women you meet are not aware of your successes, or they are intimidated by it. I would assume that you don't approach girls with your CV in hand. If you do, then you are scaring them away. You have to have substance and chemistry, and then your massive accomplishments should be the winning goal. Don't reveal those right away. However, if a woman is interested she usually will ask questions about your employment, goals, and background. Let them discover it.

 

As for douche-bag guys, they are a challenge. Girls go for them for the same reason men go for crazy girls. They have conflict that ensures a battle that won't be won easily, but is also non-committal. There are a lot of people afraid of commitment, and even more who are afraid of their own success. If you redirect your audience to active women who most-likely are young professionals, then you will find a better match. Go to outdoor events. There are a lot of places that women go with the intention of finding love, and it is not the bar.

 

Finally, most people meet their partners though mutual friends. Build a network of people that you are close with. If you get along well with your friends, they will most likely have friends that will match your character. If a girl meets you through mutual friends, you already check out. You are a part of the circle and therefore a potential candidate. If you are a leader and charismatic, it becomes easier. However, even if you are shy, you will still be presented as a potential option.

 

Look for signs of attraction. I find that if a woman looks, and immediately puts her fingers in her hair, it's a good sign she is attracted. The trick is to cultivate that attraction and build a connection. Once you make that connection, you will fit into a groove and lead from there.

 

You're an Ivy League man. You should be a leader already. Go demonstrate it.

[BigSyke]

OP, I can tell you that I know what your talking about. Its not only you who has this problem, in fact. I am in no way Ivy League, or a CEO, yet. This is one of the reasons I get along so well with my friends. We have common interests, mostly money and success. Yet, all of these good looking guys have problems picking up chicks. Sometimes you have to leave the Ferrari at home, and take your Mom's Pontiac to the bar - is a saying we have.

[abitbroken]

I suggest you ditch the bars. I am sure that you can find an organization to volunteer for - whether being a Big Brother, volunteering for a committee that is organizing an auction for a children's charity, swinging a hammer for Habitat for Humanity or volunteering at a soup kitchen. I would focus on something hands on. You will meet women (and sisters, parents and friends of eligible single women) and these people will sometimes likely feel a higher purpose in life or caring about something other than themselves. You might also have a chance to build relationships and not just the romantic kind with people who are business oriented and people who are not, but strive to have meaning in their life. And either you might find some humility or discover a purpose and when you do, women are attracted to men that care about others like that.

 

It doesn't matter if you are a body model if you are not that particular woman's type, btw.

 

Also, you may see women with men who you feel are less attractive than you - but I would say I rather go for a guy who might be average to you, but has a really great smile or great eyes who is kind to me, "clicks" with me on a personal level and interests me intellectually than I would with a guy who is considered a perfect specimen and have nothing in common. So, go do things where you can find common ground with people and I guarantee you might meet someone eventually whether that is someone you meet directly or you are friendly with an older couple or a guy who finds out what a great guy you are and so has a good word for their daughter or sister when they meet you.

 

I automatically think when I see a guy with a model face and a chiseled body that he either is full of himself, might be gay, or thinks he is out of my league so unless our paths cross through having a close mutual friend who introduces us or I see around at things I volunteer at so get to know his personality, I would never give him the green light or hint around him asking me out because I would think I wouldn't have a snowball's chance. And I am considered attractive, but some men like taller women or athletic types or shorter women or women with darker or lighter hair so I would definitely not be everybody's "10".

 

Those guys who you feel are unattractive or not as smart sometimes have more guts to ask a woman out because they think "heck, what do I have to lose. I am not expecting her to say yes, but its worth a shot!!"

[BigSyke]

Those guys who you feel are unattractive or not as smart sometimes have more guts to ask a woman out because they think "heck, what do I have to lose. I am not expecting her to say yes, but its worth a shot!!"

 

This, or the more accurate way of things are, These guys are the easiest targets for a women to take home. We have to remember, depending on many variables, sometimes the women at bars are much different than normal women. They see a crooked hat, a wife beater, sunglasses, usually anything that peacocks Douche to the equivalent female, those males just have to stand back as the women approach them.

 

Guys like us on the other hand, usually can not mirror an equivalent female at a specific bar, due to the equivalent female being married at home with her children. Thus, you have to remember that meeting a chick at a bar may not be the easiest way to get her home with you. Those d-bags at the bar are going home with a girl by default. The only advantage "we" have is the lone wolf tactic. I'm pretty positive if you were to catch a girl alone, outside of a bar you wouldn't have any problems taking her home, not to reference any "American Psycho".