My ex called and said she made a mistake, how to proceed?

[Eman1]

Hello everyone! First of all I would like to thank posters of this forum, the information here is priceless! A little over a month ago I wrote a long post about how my girlfriend of 5 years left me. I guess I was still in the shock-phase when i wrote it. My ex went to a rebound, then back to me and then back to the rebound again. Now in retrospect they probably started things at least a month before she broke up. At the beginning I did all the mistakes; begging, crying, pleading and so on.

 

The first two weeks I could barely do anything, I was just in the bed/sofa all day. After a while I started to get treatment against depression and started NIC and used tips from the nonchalance-thread when she called. I started to build myself up again, much with help from my old friends. They got information somehow that I was in a very low point so they all engaged and started to pull me out of the house. At first I didn't really enjoy it but the more I started to do things the better I got. Now I am active with hobbies/gym/partying/friends/studies/meeting girls and so on, I have started do find myself again. I am becoming the guy that my ex once fell in love with, or maybe even an upgraded version of myself thanks to life experiences! I am doing what I can to improve in health, fitness and wealth.

 

One night I went to a party and then later to a nightclub with some guys and many girls (my friend came to visit from another city and arranged this to make me feel better, great friend). I had a really good time and was in a great state, we had fun, made jokes, danced, laughed and so on. Two of my ex's friends where there so I went to greet them. I talked to them for a while and had some fun with them. One of them even started to flirt with me, haha. They could see that I was feeling good and I didn't ask about or even mention my ex. Later that night they could also see the other girls flirting with me and so on.. so they probably instantly told my ex and she probably wonders why I didn't even ask about her.

 

So now (a week after above incident) when I know I am also fine alone my ex called me out of the blue in the middle of the night. We talked for 10 minutes or so. She said that she has made a mistake and that she thinks about me all the time. She also said that she misses me and that she is unhappy, I asked what she misses about me and she answered "everything". She said she was very confused and that she maybe made the biggest mistake of her life but that it is now done. She also said that it's now she has understood what has really happened, my guess is because I'm not chasing her at all anymore and her friends told me about when I met them.

 

I tried to play it cool, kept it cheerful and even teased her a bit, which she responded good to. I didn't really ask her anything just "how are you". She asked a lot about what was going on in my life but I kept it rather vague. After 10 minutes I said that I have to sleep.

 

I would like to start to meet her again, just like dating any other girl. But she actually made this call too early for me, I am not completely over what she did and that she left me. I don't know if I'm ready to start fresh and if I can trust her again. She immediately moved in to the other guy's apartment. But probably now after the honeymoon-stage she sees that maybe he is not that great. I hope I don't come off as arrogant but he is definitely a downgrade from me in most aspects. I think he is simply just a rebound. It think they stopped seeing each other now but I'm not sure.

 

I don't really know how to interpret her call to me. It could also be that she still wants me as a backup or something, that she liked to have me around her finger like when she first broke up. She should have to make a greater effort don't you think? How should I proceed if I feel open to a possible reconciliation? Does keep doing NIC sound like a good plan or should I contact her? Maybe I should tell her I know about this guy and ask if it's over between them? I guess if she really wants me she should try more times...

 

Thankful for all input/opinions/thoughts/questions!

Cheers!

[hobberjames]

good job bro, how long NC did you go? besides obviously taking it slow, you should make her work for you, regain the power and dont let her control you again

[DN]

Be very careful. She may be genuine but she may be annoyed that you are (apparently) not missing her and wants to make sure that you do. Some people can't bear the fact that their ex is moving on and not pining for them for ever.

[markie6]

Dont get tricked into feeling you are more powerful than you are. Lets be fair , for all we know she could still be living with the other dude , and you are typing your story to us ... so 1 step at a time

 

She isn't aware you know about him ? Maybe she found out the grass isn't greener after all , maybe she is confused and hasn't had enough time to make up her mind and is trying to keep you there on the backburner

 

These are confusing times , I would be keeping on doing what you are doing, if she was really wanting to come back to you , there are still and few conversations to go through... so don't give your new power away but calling her You seem to be fairly healthy , not too happy with what she did... as I would be too , so that should be your focus for now .... because sooner or later the other dude conversation will have to happen and it's how you feel about it then , which will determine ( if she keeps calling or making a move ) next course of action

 

For now , you keep it tight.... keep working on you and even if you think you have a chance , keep asking yourself...do you want 1 ?

 

As DN rightly says... it could all be her annoyance and bruised ego that you seem to be moving on, and often they don't like us moving on first

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It has not been long enough for her to really learn any lessons. Many dumpers like their ego stroked by having the dumpee pine for them. If she is the type of woman who started encouraging the attentions of another man while with you and can go bouncing back and forth between two men..then she is not the kind of woman you should trust. She is simply the type of woman who needs a fan club to boost her ego. You can do much better than her.

[amipushy]

I agree with DN, Markie and CAD

 

Be very, very careful, don't be tricked into believing that you now hold the power as any small spanner in the works can and will seriously mess you up and put you back to square one.

 

She sounds p'd that you are enjoying life without here again and made a last ditch attempt to get you back because her ego is bruised, the grass isn't greener but a crappy shade of yellow.

 

Now you know that life is good, do you really want to go back and risk her hurting you again, or look to the future with someone who loves you and will never want to let you go, hurt you like that ever again?

 

Don't contact her, she could be with the other guy and regretting what she said and did to you in the light of day. You have all the time in the world so sit it out and wait to see what unfolds i.e. will her actions speak louder than her words.

[Eman1]

Thanks to you all for taking your time to read and reply! This forum is giving so much support, I would would not have been able to recover this fast without the help from here. Your advice(s?) in this thread are very wise.

 

Hobberjames: Thanks, I did NIC for about three to four weeks. So I answered if she called or send sms. When she called I was polite but short and busy. I did not ask her anything and did not engage in long conversations, just a minute or two. She called some times about practical stuff but it was also to check up on me I think.

 

DN: Yes, after reading your post I now suspect this is the case. I will be careful.

 

Markie6: Nice, this made me come down do earth It is confusing times but I will not let her pull me in to her confusion. Yes, if she is genuine she will make more moves, I will just sit back and take it slow. I will keep it tight with focus on myself and ask every day if I really want her.

 

Crazyaboutdogs: I guess this is true but it is very hard for me to change my view of her that I had the past 5 years. She has never before sought the attention of or flirted with another guy until the end of the relationship. She is more the type were validation and motivation comes from within herself and not from external factors. Our first two years were great and after that my father passed away and I fell in to a depression. She supported me for three years before she gave up and for me it's understandable. I was falling apart as a person. What she did was disrespectful but she was unhappy in the relationship the last period. She basically put me first all the time and now wanted to focus on herself. It was hard for her to leave me because of the strong feelings she build up during the beginning and also that all her friends/family/relatives all really like me. She lost attraction but probably had a very bad conscience for leaving. She has a good heart but are going through some kind of life crisis now I think. Maybe this is rationalizing what she did but I understand her and I'm not bitter.

 

Amipushy: This is so true, I felt I held all the power. Before a simple call from her would get me back to square one so it would probably happen very easy again even though it would take more than a call now. I will really think long and hard about what you wrote in the third paragraph, maybe it's better to start fresh with someone new, this city is full of lovely students ïn my own age.

 

I also have a concern that worries me. I am very scared that I will hurt some girls feelings, I would really not want to do that. I am seeing someone casually now but I was very clear from the beginning that I will not engage in a relationship because I have not healed from previous, she said she was fine with that. Maybe it's a bad idea for me to take things further than meeting girls on dates in this moment?