lilypadgirl Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Hmm, I've been following this and it seems like this is turning into a "is this nature or nurture" issue. I think both luck and self-awareness/improvement that are needed. To say that luck (or timing, which I consider luck) doesn't play a role at all is like saying that we alone have 100% control over our future outcome and over the decisions and judgment of someone else and if we're not achieving what we want it's our fault and we're not doing something "right". A relationship is by definition a mutual situation. One person can do everything "right" (however you define or judge that) and if the person s/he is with doesn't fully appreciate or value that, then the relationship still won't work. That's not to say that one shouldn't seek self-improvement or try to maximize his/her chances for a successful/happy relationship. I don't think anyone here is saying that growth and reflection shouldn't happen or that we should just all give up. They are just saying sometimes that alone is not enough. There's never a 100% guarantee. It IS possible for someone to never meet the right person(s), regardless of whether they did everything "wrong" or "right". That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep trying. If the timing is right and we haven't done our part in self-growth, then that is unlikely to work either just like if we're ready, but the luck/timing isn't there. Like someone else posted, we improve so that when the luck or timing is right, we have done our part to promote a successful/happy relationship. But luck or timing may never be there. I think what Ms. Darcy is saying that the probability of luck or timing never being there is smaller than most of us are believing because sometimes we blind ourselves to the opportunities and if we just open our eyes and change our perspectives a little we can see more open doors. I guess I just want to add that, while I'm all in favor of self-growth, it truly has to be SELF-growth. Just doing x, y, z may improve the chances of meeting someone, but also important is being true to oneself. For example, if I knew smiling and being more warm and open attracts guys, I doubt anyone would tell me to not try that. Take that a little further, if I knew that guys are more attracted to a certain look on a girl (e.g., skirts and long hair), sure I could wear more skirts and grow my hair long. Take this even further, if I want to maximize the odds of meeting guys I could get breast augmentation, or change my personality/interests/values, etc. So, yes, technically there is always something more I could do. But at what point do I stop self-growth and at what point do I start to lose myself? We all have to compromise in a relationship and grow together within a relationship, but we all have to also be true to our core selves. Everyone is different and draw their own boundaries on where that point is. As long as we have enough self-awareness to keep striving and improving (and sadly we don't always especially when heart broken and in emotional distress), then the rest I do believe is up to luck or timing. Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayfara Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 I agree. I also think this is important to recognize, that there are no guarantees in life, and come to peace with. We take so many things for granted so when one doesn't find love it's easy to get angry and feel life owes you love, I think knowing that there is never a 100% guarantee makes you better prepared if worse comes to worst and helps you keep a good attitude which coincidentally also increases your chances of finding someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I recently began dating an old crush from years back...we had never had a relationship before, due to him being married to someone else, and our age difference. I was only 18 he in his late twenties. Fast forward to now...he's divorced and available, now I am older and the age difference a non issue. I always KNEW he was good for me, but until NOW we were unable to explore that. So for ME it came down to timing, not being able to find the 'right' person. When you meet the right person, you will know on a gut level that person is right for you . Being able to develop something is another matter entirely. Life is not always presented to us wrapped in a pretty package with bows and ribbons. Nether are people and relationships.....so a lot of people need to put down the Harelquin romance novels and realize this is REAL life...and while it's ok to have standards the 'one' is likely not going to be the person you envision in our fantasies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrtlsngl7 Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Yeah, you can always lower your expectations. Instead you can pick 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 34th best pick...and that person MAY cherish you forever!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Oh god this thread makes me feel depressed. I look at my mum, married entirely too young to someone who made our lives miserable and since then has dated a lot but just can't seem to go the distance with anyone. Obviously there are a lot of factors at play. As you get older you are also less willing to put up with certain character flaws. She still hopes to meet someone, maybe she will maybe she won't. She's good at being single. For myself I'm still young and figuring it all out. I was in a relationship that had a high degree of compatibility and despite it ending, was very happy. What do you do after that? Work on yourself and find someone else of course. I know we shouldn't fear ending up alone and I don't. Rather, I fear not having a steady partner through life. Society does condition us to want to find that perfect 'other' and no such person exists. Instead we meet that one (or more) person who just hum's along to the same song as us, we love them. Even despite their flaws. We love all of them, unconditionally. As much as life is an individual journey, sharing your life with someone who you adore is definitely a gift. It just saddens me that I may end up like my mother. She has never known the kind of relationship I had. Everyone seemed to comment on how bonded we were (that shouldn't really mean anything.) It was just that kind of relationship where you suppose that those two people are 'perfect' together. Obviously not. My point being? My mother has missed out entirely up to this point. I don't want to have known that kind of bonded, highly compatible relationship, never to find something similar again. That scares me. Some of us are more suited to being single and happier that way. I am good at single life but I feel like I have so much to offer. I don't have any self esteem issues but I do want someone to value me for what I can offer. I apologize for being a debbie downer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adyghost Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I don't believe in "the right person" or "soulmates". In my opinion there's no such thing. The "right person" is the one who's faults you can put up with and/or are overshadowed by his/her qualities. Just my honest opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I don't believe in "the right person" or "soulmates". In my opinion there's no such thing. The "right person" is the one who's faults you can put up with and/or are overshadowed by his/her qualities. Just my honest opinion. This is the way I see it; just because one person doesn't see the world the same as you, had different experiences and have completely different personalities doesn't mean they aren't right for you. If two people are willing to accept, understand and work on the relationship constantly anything is possible. Conflict in a relationship doesn't always have to be a bad thing either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FYI Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I know some incredible people who are just single and that's just the way it is. Not because they see the glass half empty before they see the glass half full or anything like that. And I know some very shady characters that it seems can effortlessly find themselves hooked up and involved in a relationship quite often. Similiar to a job with one opening, interviewing ten or twenty possible candidates and by the end of the day there's just that "one" who came along and successfully got the position, took the job. How wrong and absurd it would be to just assume that the other nineteen candidates "did something" to not secure the position. Sometimes it just works that way in life. The saying today is your lucky day is not something derived from out of thin air. Some things in life are a matter of good hope, luck & faith. Other things obtained are well deserved or either not deserved at all and we are just victims of unfortunate circumstance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 This is the way I see it; just because one person doesn't see the world the same as you, had different experiences and have completely different personalities doesn't mean they aren't right for you. If two people are willing to accept, understand and work on the relationship constantly anything is possible. Conflict in a relationship doesn't always have to be a bad thing either. I absolutely agree with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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