Are there some people in life who NEVER meet the right person?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I say things that have worked for me, and many other people, yes. But I would not be so simplistic as to say do x to get y outcome. Doesn't mean one shouldn't do x though. Like I said, all of this is to become a happy, well-rounded, growth-oriented individual. That also tends to help people find partners. Having a negative attitude usually doesn't.

 

 

Yes, but plenty of people smile more, are outgoing, happy, well-rounded, growth-oriented etc and still don't find someone. If that's what it really took to find a partner then you wouldn't have all the unhappy, negative, narrow-thinking, not growth-oriented people who actually do indeed find a partner who will walk over hot coals for them.

[Ms Darcy]

So what has worked for you in your partnerships then? It's very easy to say "that's not true" but harder to provide positivity and hope.

 

It should be noted - and I think people skip this way too much ... not everybody wants a relationship. Lots of people don't and are happy, which is great. On a parallel path, who wants an unhealthy relationship. I'm not sure the OP was asking for advice to get just anybody. Let's try to be positive here. What works for you?

[LillyLooWho]

It's luck. Too many messed up people married and too many awesome people single to be anything other than luck.

 

I knew a woman who never dated, was incredibly shy and always looked at the floor. She met one man and married him. He was her only boyfriend in her life and she married him. I know other women who are lawyers, professionals, fun, beautiful, smart, everything you would think a man would love and they can't get a date. It's luck.

 

Ok, you have to put yourself out there and be open to dating but after that it is just dumb luck if you meet someone or not.

[Ms Darcy]

It's luck. Too many messed up people married and too many awesome people single to be anything other than luck.

 

I knew a woman who never dated, was incredibly shy and always looked at the floor. She met one man and married him. He was her only boyfriend in her life and she married him. I know other women who are lawyers, professionals, fun, beautiful, smart, everything you would think a man would love and they can't get a date. It's luck.

 

Ok, you have to put yourself out there and be open to dating but after that it is just dumb luck if you meet someone or not.

 

Your example makes me say that is the exact opposite of dumb luck. If she met him, presumably it was outside of her home, correct? She had to speak with him, correct?

 

It has surprised me to ask questions about my friends and their relationships, but you don't really know how it works on the inside. Putting yourself out there, as you say, it one of the most important steps! How can you "meet" people unless you are out there? I have met three male love interests over the past few years just through one hobby (semi-regular Trivia nights). Without that one activity, that possibility wouldn't have been there. So, that's not luck to me. That is putting yourself out there.

 

And making yourself open to dating is very important too. I live in a major metro area and there are a lot of beautiful, successful, smart women out here. And if I were a guy, I would never approach them out of the blue. But I am not a cold approacher. I like getting to know folks ... being friends/close acquaintances. Cultivating that getting to know you stuff. Lots of single people around here tend to stay within their group and not branch out. It is not wrong at all, but I do try to see things from the "guy's" perspective. I'll go out alone. I will smile. I will engage in meetups and interesting activities. I will make it known that I am open to being set up (not anymore obviously). So, I cannot speak for those beautiful ladies but at least for the ones I know, sometimes there is an expectation that either a) online dating is all they need to do and b) they are awesome so men should do the approaching.

 

But that DOES NOT all your friends are doing something wrong. It is only to point out that you never know how people approach dating. Some ways make more sense than others.

 

Also, I would point out that just because some people are single (who don't want to be single) means that the people who get into happy relationships do so by blind luck. Long-term relationships especially, as I think you know, are hard work! It takes a lot of time and communication, commitment and understanding. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. So, I think saying it is luck negates the work the couple does to make it last.

[LillyLooWho]

I still think it's luck. You can put yourself out there for years and meet guy after guy and still never connect. You can go out on one date and meet your soulmate.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Luck or skill? I'm a fly-fisherman, and I think it's the perfect analogy for finding love.

 

In fly fishing you have lots and lots of specialized equipment, and all of it needs to be well maintained so it works properly when it needs to. You also have a huge set of skills that you need to learn in order to find the fish, choose the correct "bait" for that fish, present the bait to the fish in a way that entices it, and have the skills to bring that fish into your hand without it getting away (or killing it). To top it off, fish activity changes do to weather, temperature, season, etc. Some days they're eating. Some days they're not. It is very common to spend an entire day fishing and walk away empty handed and have no idea why. Very common. But you keep your skills sharp and your equipment well maintained just for the possibility of catching that one big beautiful fish. If you're lucky, you're in the right spot at the right time with the right skills and equipment, and you land one. A lot of time is spent on being ready for that one lucky moment when it all comes together and all of your preparation pays off.

[Ms Darcy]

I still think it's luck. You can put yourself out there for years and meet guy after guy and still never connect. You can go out on one date and meet your soulmate.

 

We'll agree to disagree. Relationships that last take a lot of work and commitment. No luck in that.

[Klokwurk]

It's luck. Too many messed up people married and too many awesome people single to be anything other than luck.

 

I knew a woman who never dated, was incredibly shy and always looked at the floor. She met one man and married him. He was her only boyfriend in her life and she married him. I know other women who are lawyers, professionals, fun, beautiful, smart, everything you would think a man would love and they can't get a date. It's luck.

 

Ok, you have to put yourself out there and be open to dating but after that it is just dumb luck if you meet someone or not.

 

Those women cant get dates? Then they arent trying, or their standards are too high. There are many personality types, some click with you, some dont. It is about investing the time, and being open to people. There is no ONE person, there are many people out there, just a matter of attitude.

 

There is some luck involved, but its hardly anything like the lottery - the odds are more like bingo; gotta keep showing up every week if you want to win!

[Ms Darcy]

I liked this so much I wanted to quote it from another thread where a woman talks about not understanding why a selfish/princessy woman she knows has such a nice husband ...

[LillyLooWho]

Good timing is luck.

 

I've had relationships with lots of guys over the years, many of whom I loved; however, none has ever gone the distance. I don't think there is anything wrong with me or them, it just didn't work out. Bad timing, different values, different personality traits, things beyond our control.

 

I think people like to believe that meeting their soulmate is just a skill they have to learn and they will be all set. This is just so that they feel like they have some control over something that we don't really have control over. IMHO.

[Ms Darcy]

Take a look at the breakup section, though. People meet their so-called soulmate and then it ends years later. Relationships take work and good communication is indeed a skill.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good timing is luck.

 

I've had relationships with lots of guys over the years, many of whom I loved; however, none has ever gone the distance. I don't think there is anything wrong with me or them, it just didn't work out. Bad timing, different values, different personality traits, things beyond our control.

 

I think people like to believe that meeting their soulmate is just a skill they have to learn and they will be all set. This is just so that they feel like they have some control over something that we don't really have control over. IMHO.

 

I totally agree with you. Often people who found a good relationship forget how really hard it is because they focus on all the things they did to get that particular person and that is how they view success for everyone. It becomes a one size fits all "I did it this way and it worked so that must be the way it will work for everyone" mindset. I see it often here on ENA and also from people in the real world.

[Ms Darcy]

I often see sad lonely people come on ENA and translate their own negative experiences with dating and relationships to conclude that women are this, men are that, finding a happy, lasting relationship comes down to luck. Why? Because if it has nothing to do with them, then they do not have to self-reflect.

 

Years ago, after I was dumped, I was giving the same advice as I am now. I am a broken record. But I also know when you start thinking long-lasting, loving relationships come down to luck, you start getting passive. (I think passive was my number one on the list I mentioned.)

 

If you are single and happy, that's great. If you are singe and unhappy, well saying it has nothing to do with you is a great way to stay that way.

[Batya33]

I totally agree with you. Often people who found a good relationship forget how really hard it is because they focus on all the things they did to get that particular person and that is how they view success for everyone. It becomes a one size fits all "I did it this way and it worked so that must be the way it will work for everyone" mindset. I see it often here on ENA and also from people in the real world.

 

That's funny because the same can be said of those single people who are cynical (not saying you are) -they believe their world view of relationships and why some people are married and others who want to be married are not is the right one and their rigidity is a contributing factor in why they are single. I know married people who act like you described (and they act like that about other areas of their lives, too) and those who do not. I was in a somewhat unusual position of getting married later in life plus having an extremely active dating/relationship life for the 24 years I dated that there is no way I would advocate a one size fits all. Nor do I think that I have superior knowledge to anyone else as to how to find the right person just because I happened to.

For me it was a little bit of luck, good timing that I took full advantage of and lots of hard work.

[Ms Darcy]

Ooh, I forgot to mention that I should acknowledge that I do not have the experience of everyone on this board. It may be a different experience when you are in your 40s and up and dating. It may be a different experience if you are a male and 5'2". It may be different if you are very overweight. There are other examples people have mentioned that may impact their experience. So I do acknowledge that the opportunities may not exactly be there in some cases.

[LillyLooWho]

I often see sad lonely people come on ENA and translate their own negative experiences with dating and relationships to conclude that women are this, men are that, finding a happy, lasting relationship comes down to luck. Why? Because if it has nothing to do with them, then they do not have to self-reflect.

 

Years ago, after I was dumped, I was giving the same advice as I am now. I am a broken record. But I also know when you start thinking long-lasting, loving relationships come down to luck, you start getting passive. (I think passive was my number one on the list I mentioned.)

 

If you are single and happy, that's great. If you are singe and unhappy, well saying it has nothing to do with you is a great way to stay that way.

 

You can self-reflect till the cows come home. You can work on your pecs, your mind, your confidence, your consideration of others, your hairdo, a million things...BUT that doesn't mean you'll meet someone. When I say it is luck, that doesn't mean I'm saying that you can't try to help the process along but in the end, it comes down to luck. You can be active as many people are or you can be passive as many people are and some of the active people will meet someone and some of the passive people will meet someone. Some people who have never had a day of introspection in their life will meet their soulmate and others who have gone to therapy and spent years making themselves a better human being will not, even if they try because that is the way life is. Being a noble person is a great thing but being a lucky person is the icing on the cake.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Exactly. As I said before, some of the most messed up people I know never had a problem finding a relationship...no self-reflection, snarly, grumpy, selfish to the core....yet they have no shortage of relationships because they know how to flirt and dress provocatively (the women), or they are highly successful and courted in their job and they know how to turn on the charm to get what they want from someone (the men). There is someone where I live who has nothing going for her...welfare, morbidly obese, clearly has emotional problems, no introspection, pleasant one minute, rude the next minute, childish etc...and yet she has a boyfriend and has been with him for years.

[Ms Darcy]

Thinking things comes down to luck is a particular mindset. It's not a mindset that some have but if it works for folks they can have at it. For others, they don't believe in luck. They believe in seeing the opportunities around them and seizing them over and over again. Luck has nothing to do with a relationship lasting. Marriage counselors would be out of a job if it did.

 

I am suprised that anyone would cite so-called messed up people having relationships as proof that a happy, lasting relationship comes down to luck. Along with being somewhat judgmental, it's also presuming any relationship - even if it is bad - is better than none at all.

 

And it is not gone unnoticed that direct questions about personal experience go unanswered. That's the real crux of the issue I think. Nope, it always goes back to so-called unhealthy folks having relationships. It doesn't logically make sense to me; it's a non-linear connection. I don't live in such a black and white world.

 

But I am probably on the wrong board to be saying these things

[LillyLooWho]

The question was "Are there some people in life who NEVER meet the right person?". The answer is yes.

 

If people want to believe that it is in their power and control to meet the right person and have a happy lasting relationship, good for them! But in the end, there are no guarantees in life. You can want something and go for it and never get it. That's a fact of life. There are all these unforeseen and uncontrollable things that happen in life and sometimes you end up on the good side of things and some times you end up on the bad side of things.

 

Not sure where you got the idea that anyone said having a bad relationship is better than none at all. I don't see that at all. And what direct questions are you talking about?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you totally misunderstand what we are saying and your post is rather patronizing to those of us who have a different opinion. I think we will have to agree to disagree.

 

Lilly's post above sums up what we were trying to get it. It had nothing to do with making relationships last...it had to do with finding the right person to have a relationship with. As for your questions directed at me, well....I have tried everything under the sun...and yes, I am friendly, I smile and laugh, am intelligent, have done self-reflection, i have gone out looking, I have not gone out looking, I have put myself out there, asked men out... and all the things you say works to get a partner in all kinds of permutations and combinations....I have had people interested but they weren't my type so I didn't pursue...I have been interested but they weren't...I haven't met someone where it is a mutual interest. I have gone to plenty of singles dinners and events, many with the religious affiliation I belong to, where all the men were scrambling to sit next to the 1/2 dozen women who were extremely flirtatious and dressed sexy while the rest of the women who did not dress and behave like that did not have the men hanging around. The one thing I haven't tried was the batting eyelashes, sidelong glances, touching the arm, and dressing more provocatively...so I guess I haven't tried EVERYTHING...but I think I will pass on those tactics...I am not that desperate.

 

So there is my answer to your question. I don't bother anymore because I don't feel it is worth it...I am quite happy on my own doing my own thing and not dealing with all the garbage I see in other people's relationships once the honeymoon period is over. Yes, I have seen some happy marriages..but not that many...most of the time I see one partner doting and the other partner mistreating and seeing as I am a compassionate, loyal, caring person I know which side of the equation I would end up on..and have already experienced that enough to know that I am happier without the headaches. I wouldn't mind meeting someone through work or activities that I do where a friendship could get struck up first which would build...but I am not into the contrived dating scene where everything is based on attraction and how soon one can have sex, rather than on building a friendship and emotional connection. I am open to meeting someone but I am not interested in making it a priority where I spend my time focusing on that rather than on my other interests. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I am not interested in living with someone, I am not interested in marriage, I never wanted children (and my factory is starting to close anyway!) and at this stage in my life what is left are the divorced people, many with children, who will then have children and then I will be subjected to the endless, boring talk about all the cute things the grandchildren did!

[Wayfara]

Are there some people in life who NEVER meet the right person?

 

Yes, it would be unrealistic to say anything else. No one is guaranteed to find someone, one can only try to increase their chances and hope for the best.

 

Good timing is luck.

 

I agree with this. Purely scientifically with all information available maybe luck doesn't exist but as we humans only have access to limited information it comes down to luck for us. You can go over the street to buy milk and get shot in the head, I call that bad luck. If you had known about the gunman shooting there then it of course wouldn't be bad luck, it would be stupidity but sometimes there is no way for you to know. Anyway just because luck is involved doesn't mean improving ourselves is worthless or that luck encourages people to be passive. Winning the lottery involves luck but you have to play to win. Poker involves luck but you can still get good at it. You are never guaranteed to win/find someone but you can increase your chances. This goes for everything really, leading a healthy life increases your chances for a long life, still there are no guarantees that you won't get sick in a terminal illness, that's life.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you for sharing CAD. I am not trying to be patronzing. I was responnding to the specific comments about how even once a relationship happens it's a crapshoot. It is difficult to say anything about anyone's experience that you have never met. But from what I have seen the VAST majority of people have met someone where there is mutual interest (since we are now excluding discussion of the work relationships take.) For some people it comes after some actions they take ... healing after a breakup, making an effort to clarify what they want Thankful a partner, working on socializing and the list goes on. There are billions of people on the planet and millions in many countries. The probability of meeting someone in an adult lifetime with mutual interest is astronomical. So if we are relegating discussion to meeting people that is my stance. So in a world where most people find someone with mutual interest at some point it does not make sense to me to put it down to luck. There may be things one does to slow that down. I just had a conversation last night with girlfriends about a guy in our acquaintance circle that was really creeping me out. They revealed some things he has done to make them uncomfortable too. One of them is going to talk with him. We do not think he is aware. But he is very interested in a relationship. Furthermore when most people come on the board and start lamenting their reasonable desire to find someone often times when you probe you will find that they are the ones in their own way ... attraction to "bad boys" or "bad/hot girls"... pining over someone giving thhem mixed signals ... shyness to the point of not asking folks out .... using online dating as their onlu means of finding someone ... letting themselves go ....

[Ms Darcy]

I wrote a longer response but I want to clarify my post above.

 

Whether or not one meets the right person is a matter of perspective. How does one define "right." If it's about having mutual interest and attraction, I do think that happens for the vast majority of people in their lifetime. Whether or not the relationship "goes the distance" or becomes a "happy marriage" gets into the hard work/communication/commitment territory. So you could "find the right person" and yet not have a long relationship with them for various reasons.

 

I don't think there is one "right" person for me. I think there are lots of folks I can be compatible with, have a mutual attraction to, and have a happy life with. I think my first ex was like that - but we had relgious differences. (The two relationships after that weren't really great.) I think things may work out with my current partner, but who knows. If that ends, I'll probably find someone else for a happy relationship.

 

But people can and do have blocks that hinder them. Even beautiful, fun, successful professional women can be insecure. Note the people who come on the board who really want to meet someone great and have a relationship. Oftentimes when you probe you find they are their own worst enemy: attraction to "bad boys or bad girls", shyness to the point of not being able to ask someone out, entitlement issues, insecurity/neediness, holding on to someone who is giving them mixed signals, not over a break up, lacking confidence, issues with depression, etc etc. Those blocks are real and may not be true of everyone ... but for those for whom it is true saying it's just luck also does not encourage them to work on those very real issues.

[Batya33]

I agree that there's not just one right person. I also believe that committing to marriage (or similarly long term) requires a leap of faith and in my particular leap of faith there's a large part of me that believes, even though our relationship isn't perfect, that we belong together and were meant to be together. I know it can sound cliche and silly but I think that mindset and other "silly" mindsets helps me over the bumps, the rougher times.

 

I was very angry when I was single, for so many years, and people would try to analyze/diagnose why I wasn't meeting anyone since I was such a "good catch". I wanted to scream sometimes that much of it wasn't in my control, that I was working so hard on meeting people. What I learned in hindsight was that more was in my control than I wanted to admit, that I got in my own way more than I wanted to admit. I still get in my own way sometimes when it comes to resolving marital conflicts but I am humbled by the commitment I've taken on and that humility helps nip some of the self-sabotaging behaviors in the bud.

[bulletproof]

There is always the "blame game" that goes on when someone hasn't found love...and your 7 point list is a good example of "if you never found someone then it is your own fault".

 

I have noticed that most of these debates devolve into this main point. Someone suggests reasons why a person might be single, and those who are single immediately feel that they are being "blamed." There is a difference between blaming someone and suggesting that a person has more control over his/her life then he/she may think.

 

I also don't buy the whole, "so-and-so is a jerk and he/she is in a relationship..." So what? We have no idea what goes on in those relationships, whether they're healthy, what those people put up with, etc.