Pregnant and not sure how I feel - Trying to be happy about it...

[somedaymaybe]

I found out Thursday that I am pregnant. This will be my first child and I am going to be 28 at the end of this month. It's not like I'm 16 or unemployed or anything like that - I'm mostly stable and self sufficient, I own my own business and I am responsible. It's just that I'm scared to death because I fear I have no maternal instincts at all. I've always been kind of independent and free-spirited - never seriously thought of having a child of my own for various reasons. I'm trying to be as excited as everyone else in my family is, and my boyfriend seems pretty excited too. However, I'm just feeling nervous and I have not slept well AT ALL since I took the three tests that all came out positive.

 

It's like a part of me is excited and happy about it, but this other part is totally feeling this sense of impending doom: no more anything for me. I feel like I've barely figured myself out and here I am, going to have to be a mother. I'm going to to have to take care of a new life that will depend on me entirely and I'm so scared I'm not going to be good enough. My mom and I are best friends and have always been close. I guess I just know that I am so different from her and I have so much that I am going to give up for this new part of my life.

 

I'm about five weeks along. I don't smoke, use drugs, and I quit any form of drinking as soon as I suspected I might be pregnant, I eat relatively healthy and walk as often as I can. I'm just more worried about losing myself in a way, if that makes sense? My identity has been formed around self discovery, art, expressing myself by means of art and design, writing, etc. I have tattoos and my hair color changes with my mood. How am I going to be a mom - or rather - how am I going to be a GOOD mom?

 

My boyfriend has mentioned marriage and says he's excited. I believe him, and I'm not thinking of marrying him JUST because of the baby. I just fear being another statistic: married, baby, divorced, custody drama, etc. I don't want that... I just want stability and knowing that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I feel like i can't talk to him about what I'm feeling and I worry that if I expressed any of this to him, it would cause more harm than good.

 

Sorry to ramble, I'm just trying to figure out what I feel.

[goblinshark]

I wouldn't fear about not having maternal instincts. They'll kick in automatically, it's in your genes. Thank evolution. Already you've started changing your habits for the sake of the baby, so obviously you've not demonstrated a lack of motherly qualities yet.

 

Of course you'd be nervous. It's a life changing event to be pregnant and become a mother. It carries with it an enormous load of consequences, positive and negative, that will affect the rest of your life. It's perfectly normal to feel a bit nervous or unsure of yourself. You're perfectly normal. Don't sweat it. Even though motherhood seems like a daunting task, countless other women have succeeded at it.

 

Being artistic and expressive is good. It means you can raise children that express themselves as well.

[Seraphim]

You do not have to give up your creativity to be a mother. You do not have to give up being you. You just become a little different you. Some people are not maternal at all but find they are with their own children.

[littleL_RN]

Your feelings are totally natural. I know a mother who had struggled to become pregnant for close to two years, and when she finally did, she was still expressing to me that she was freaked. As a woman who wasn't planning pregnancy, that emotion is probably amplified. Like Goblinshark said, you are already accomodating the baby by modifying your lifestyle; I wouldn't worry about those maternal instincts. And you are so very lucky to be close to your mother, who I'm sure will be ready and willing to assist in those moments when you're uncertain of the next step.

 

I can certainly relate to some of your feelings as someone your age. I had a pregnancy "scare" in the last year. Although I know I want a child to be in my future, I was definitely terrified at the prospect of the future being right then and there. There are still so many things left on my bucket list.

 

But you definitely don't need to compromise your creativity as a parent. Of course, a child definitely requires a lifestyle adjustment and some juggling of priorities, but I can almost guarantee that your identity will remain intact. And you'll be able to share your unique spirit and passions with another life, which I can only believe to be an amazing feeling.

[Seraphim]

I can also tell you it is even scary to be pregnant when it is all planned. I remember I was terrified each time I was pregnant. It is totally natural.

[luminousone]

It's natural to be scared, excited, unsure of what the future will bring. It is entering a whole new world.

 

The key when you are a parent is to continue to be yourself as a parent. So you can be a creative parent, which is fabulous for kids! Many kids do not get the benefit of being immersed in such an atmosphere and yet they are intrinsically creative themselves. Be who you are, and that will be the best gift for your upcoming child.

 

Each parent brings their own personality to the mix. Sounds like your bf will be able to complement you in parenting styles.

 

You can do it - and that new life does not depend on you entirely - you have a responsible bf that is stepping up to the plate too. You also have extended family, and they can be a huge help too!

[tattoobunnie]

You're maternal instincts will kick-in. It's a hormonal thing!!! You and the baby will exude it, and will bond! I just had a baby 6 months ago, and while we were engaged a short time prior, we moved up our wedding by 4 months because we were pregnant.

 

To be completely honest, I love kids, but I was never one of those gotta love any baby, or babies in general. Before, I've held my neice and nephews, but never cared for them for more than a few hours at a time. I taught years ago...older kids and adults. Prior to pregnancy, I was enjoying living it up under the sun, smoked half a packed, partied a whole bunch, traveled. And during my pregnancy, I never felt the desire to jump up and down for joy (mentally), even though my now hubby loved him from the start. I never felt that I loved the baby growing inside me, but I knew he was mine, and I loved him because of that. I never fantasized about what he'd look like, or all the things you see that TV moms in movies and shows are doing. I complained all the time about all the pregancy symptoms that come with each trimester.

 

But having him...it'll change you...for the best. My hubby was nervous, and my bestie and her husband, nervous wrecks. He still hasn't held my kid, but he's having a parent next month!! Physically, they make you produce serotonin, and dopamine...and hormones aside, when they are yours, it is so different.

 

Tattoos and hair color have nothing to do with your skills as a mom. Considering I also went to some form of art school since I was 14, including college and my masters, I know plenty of awesome parents that are full-bodied tattooed.

 

It's okay to be freaked out. No one wants to say it, but the first baby for most makes for nervous wreck parents. It's okay that you think you might suck as a mom, break him, drop him...you won't. And if you do drop him by mistake, they are tougher than you think.

 

Does my kid cramp my style? He enhances it more and more each day. And it's okay to tell your man that you're freaked out! I guarantee that while he may be estastic, he's also super nervous.

 

My mom was an awesome caretaker with tons of experience. I had no experience, but I think we're doing pretty great. I wish I could tell you more, but the best advice I can give you,

1) take it one day at a time. You don't have to have everything figured out.

2) Sign up for the newsletters for link removed...what lifesavers.

3) Take a childbirth class by your 24th or more week

4) buy as many maternity clothes you want to make yourself feel good!

5) the baby doesn't care how you decorated the nursery. Just paint if you need to, other than that, they only need food, shelter, love, and to get changed,

6) never decline when people offer their help whether it's dishes, cooking, watching the baby for a bit while you go take a shower for something, and

7) since you will prioritize to the baby's needs, get what you want to do now, done...babymoon, travel, seeing some friends, etc.,

8) life isn't over for you, just because you have a kid.

[SapphireNoir10]

Life is always uncertain. There is no ideal time for a child. I've known people that have tried for years and when they've got pregnant they feel exactly the same as you.

 

I'm 22 and I'd only been with my partner 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. He was excited immediatley and I was terrified. I thought we couldn't afford it. I thought I wasn't ready etc.

 

As pregnancy progressed i've got more used to it, once I felt him kick etc I started to bond and get attached. I'd never been interested in kids before but now I'm really looking forward to having one.

 

Way I see it is I'm in a stable loving relationship, we both have good jobs, we have a house, supportive families who are so excited. We have a good support system. It is earlier than I planned for definatley.

 

Its natural to be worried and scared. I am still now and I'm 37 weeks pregnant! Nervous abou being a good parent, nervous about a lot of things...but as it sunk in I got more and more excited.

 

If you need any advice etc feel free to PM me cos I know how you feel

[SapphireNoir10]

Repeat Post

[somedaymaybe]

hi everyone - thank you for your replies to my post. I'm sorry it took weeks for me to log back onto this forum and reply. I read everything way earlier but I have been super busy and traveling these last few weeks. Anyhow, thank you all. Your kind words have truly eased some of my fears about everything.

[BellaDonna]

The amount of thought you put into things makes me think you will be a great mom.

 

I wasn't a person that had a lot of maternal instincts either. Even now that my son is five, there are some things I have to FORCE myself to do things outside of my usual comfort zone, to be a good mom in my own eyes (like joining the parent-teacher group at his school).

 

Some maternal instincts do happen naturally like wanting to protect your child, knowing what your child needs, etc. Some do not. I had to do a lot of learning. Even now my brain gets very bored with the day-to-day domestic aspects of being a mother. Don't guilt yourself if you do not feel like a "natural". Some things will be outside of your comfort zone or usual ways, but you will learn.