The pain that keeps on paining.

[InnerApple]

Hey all.

 

Not very good at this. But I feel like I've exhausted every other line of discussion to the point where I'm really annoying people.

 

Worried that my ex might for some reason see this, I'll keep it brief.

 

Hard time in my life. Met a girl, she was perfect. We hit it off phenomenally. Our first dates were fantastic. Physically, we both commented on how unbelievable it to feel truly dazed after sex. I was in love. We were only together for short time by all accounts, but it was wonderful. The best relationship and connection with anyone I ever had. And I know she felt the same, because she told me. And, for a guy who had previously had it really rough and promised I wouldn't ever let myself be vulnerable again, I trusted her and done just that.

 

She left me.

 

And, while I've been through this before and my pain is nothing specific and special, I am hurting incredibly.

 

I know my situation is nothing special. I know that I've felt this way before, and I could feel like this twenty times in the future. But I need to tell people who won't judge me.

 

Anybody who reads this and doesn't judge me, or belittle me, or view as pathetic; you have my thanks.

[kitkat620]

You aren't going to be judged, belittled or viewed as pathetic. You heart is broken. And, at this time, you feel like nothing can hurt any worse than that.

Your situation is special because it involves you. You are the one dealing with the pain and you are the one that has to make the pain, if not go away, lessen.

The way you are to do that is to focus on you and your happiness. And I don't want to hear 'but she was my happiness'. I want you to concentrate on other things that make you happy and other people that make you smile. It may not seem like it, but you will find those things if you dig deep enough. Break through the clouds of despair that surround you and find joy to bring back into your life so you can work through this sadness and smile again.

Think of activities, other than with her, that you do that you enjoy. Who are the people that you love being around that could get your mind off of her.

Your purpose now is to start over.

Like you have found other people in the past that you have loved, you will find someone to love again.

Heartbreak is never easy, but it is tolerable. It will take time and it will get easier.

You are on the right track because you know what you have to do and you know it will get better.

[Irishag33]

My story is so similar, I was with my ex only about 6 months and we had the best connection in every way possible, Sex and all. Well I found out he was cheating on me for the last 2 months of our relationship and i was in shock because that's how great I thought we connected. The pain was so excruciating at first, it hasn't even been a full 2 weeks but I will say that I do feel better. Your situation may be a little different given that she left you. Did she give a reason? But I do know what you're feeling and you did right by coming here. This forum has helped me so much the past week and a half. Keep writing here when you feel weak or are having a tough moment. The beginning is always the hardest as you obviously already know.

[skyhop333]

InnerApple;

 

if you replaced the "she" with a "he" and "guy" with "gal".... you would be me. I more than sympathize with this. Word for Word. Exactly. No Judgement on my part. I know it hurts. Still does. It will be okay. I took mine and placed it away in my heart where no one could find it. It's still there. So is how I feel. That may never change. You are NOT pathetic. Not in any way.

[InnerApple]

For your replies, you have my thanks.

 

The reason was everything got too much for her. We had a fight one night, but things were odd for a few weeks. It went from fantastic to heartbreaking in a matter of days. She had her own issues, and while I know our fight caused those issues to amplify, I know now that she wanted to end things for quite some time before she actually did.

 

I hold no animosity towards her. Even though I have to see her regularly. I think there was someone else that turned her head, she called me one night a few days before the *big* fight and told me I was too good for her. Whether this was fuelled by guilt, I'm unsure. But I knew then that something was wrong.

 

She asked for space. I gave her it. I've learned from that before. Every piece of contact in a few weeks was initiated by her. Then she told me it was over.

 

I've had relationships that lasted the same amount of time and been over them within a week or two. But this one is hitting me hard.

 

I keep my distance despite having to see her regularly. I deal with myself. I pep-talk myself before leaving the house every day. I tell myself that I am a good person, and I was a good boyfriend. Well, minus one night where I said some stupid things. But she had said hurtful things to me before - hence why I find it was unfair to judge me one unfortunate night. I'd like to stress at this point that I never said anything excruciatingly nasty - I was horrifically drunk and became careless with my emotions. But I had put up with worse from her.

 

I'm learning. And I'm working hard to not seem needy, or difficult, or weird towards her. But I miss her. And I'm struggling. It helps to even type it out.

[skyhop333]

In know how you feel in that regard. In my case, someone did turn his head. But, the one that turned his head, is now just as broken as what he left behind. This is not your fault in my opinion. You did admit to letting your emotions get out of control, but given the circumstances it was well warranted. Don't blame yourself. Your not the bad guy. I am not saying she's the bad guy either. I just think it sounds like she has a few lessons to learn in her own right. If you sensed something changing, that's because it was changing.

 

I know it's hard when you still have the visual stimulation of their presence. This makes it all the more difficult. It sounds like you were indeed a good boyfriend. One argument even if alcohol fueled is hardly a black mark. I am sure she does feel an immense amount of guilt. When someone tells me that I am too good for them, It tells me they believe they have done something unworthy of being with me.

 

Maybe she will see the light and see that whatever swept her away wasn't worth it for what she lost. Learning never ends. It's good that you are keeping your distance even though you feel it's the toughest thing you have ever had to deal with. You are growing in so many ways. I can say, the pain dulls over time. It's a day by day thing. There is a happy ending in your life in the future. Believe in that. Don't give up hope in that. It will be okay, it will just have to take some time. There is a probability that in the future she may try to re-establish contact with you in some way.

[InnerApple]

One argument even if alcohol fueled is hardly a black mark. I am sure she does feel an immense amount of guilt. When someone tells me that I am too good for them, It tells me they believe they have done something unworthy of being with me.

 

That's the first time anybody has agreed with my sentiment in the four weeks since that call. Everything was going fantastic. She took me to her home country to meet her family, friends from home (who already adored me) and see where she grew up.

 

The moment we returned, she was different. I put it down to being homesick, convincing myself it wasn't me. But I knew in the back of my mind that it was me. 13 days after meeting her parents (which I was incredibly nervous about - and she actually taunted me quite aggressively drunk one night about my nervousness) and having a wonderful weekend with them and her friend, she left me. I agreed to go see her where she grew because it was important to me. And I liked that she asked me to go - I felt fantastic that she did.

 

In the she said everything was too serious. Despite us both saying on several occasions that the relationship was far from ''too serious''. This is why I'm convinced something happened the night of that ''you're too good for me'' call. She listed all my good points, and listed all her negative points.

 

I cared for her deeply. And she made me feel more wonderful that anyone ever has. But it's over.

 

I need to remind myself as often as I can that it's over.

[skyhop333]

I think you would agree with me, that you feel like there is some "empty gap" in the real reasoning for her break up with you. Not only turning her ideals on a dime, but also "change of place-change of heart" also is a factor. Why? We could come up with many scenarios that could be the culprit for the change.

 

It hurts so much when someone's wants change out of the blue. Going from "meeting the parents" to "Goodbye" is definitely hard to comprehend in such a short period of time. It leaves the heart with no bandaid of closure. When trying to patch the holes in the heart it's difficult without the truth to go with it. I think you know the truth deep in your heart but you have no tangible proof to back it up. I spent many months and almost years searching for the truth only to find, the truth hurts harder but heals faster.

 

Perhaps one day, she will tell you the truth so you can heal. It seems that she is hiding it, only from what I can deduce from what I have read.

 

Keep reminding yourself that it's over. But also, keep reminding yourself, you have done nothing wrong and you are a good person.

[Justme3]

You did mention that you "put up with worse from her." perhaps reflecting a bit will help you realize it wasn't all so wonderful. Perhaps there were many red flags. I know it doesn't lesson the pain, but it can help see things more for what they really were.

[InnerApple]

I do feel an empty gap. For several months she was very open with how she felt about me. That she had never felt so much for somebody so quickly...while stressing that this was a good thing and she was lucky to have it.

 

I'm having a bit of a difficult time this morning. A certain individual who I feel has turned her head broke up with his fiancée yesterday. A matter of days after she left me. I woke up this morning obsessed with the red flags. I want to list them to her, but I have to be strong. So, bear with me, I'm gonna list a few here.

 

She hit me in front of my friends. Joking and laughing while she done it.

She told me in front of my friends that I never even loved her.

She obsessed about someone I had a non-sexual fling with before we even met. Constantly in the beginning. CONSTANTLY.

She claimed that I was cheating on her with this person and insisted that I was disingenuous and dishonest. I am not like this. She had no reasoning. This hurt me badly.

She shouted at me and my friends one night saying that I ''didn't even love her at all'' and that my friends knew I was cheating on her.

She pretended that I was hitting her in the street one night. People kept looking, I was humiliated. She found it hilarious and kept laughing.

She told me drunk that her parents would hate me. Knowing all the well that I was excited about meeting them, but very nervous.

She told me I talked too much after we spent a great day together, and that I was ''never like this in the beginning''. I was very hurt.

She asked me if anybody ever thought I was gay - I mentioned I wanted a rug to cover a stain in my bedroom. Not so much an insult, but I felt the way she said it was to get a reaction.

She came over to mine one night after a night out. Phoned me first of all, she seemed like she missed me and wanted to see me. I liked this. When she arrived, she immediately changed her mood. She began to list all of the people and places she could of went home with that night. Exes, co-workers, even other women. And the guy who I believe turned her head. She then fell asleep very quickly. Didn't remember a thing the next morning.

She called me two days before the breakup at 2am. Drunk. I was up because my mother is very ill and I was quite worried that night. She then began to list how I was far too good for her and she didn't deserve me. I deserve better, etc. She had been on a night out with people, including, you guessed it; the guy I believe turned her head.

 

She had mentioned this guy before, he obviously had feelings for her. Before we met, he had asked her if they thought they would make a good couple. He had also tried to kiss her a few times. I don't know if they did. But she told me this very early on because he became quite jealous and obsessive about our relationship. Anyway, I think to tell that early on, then tell me drunkenly one night that she could have went home to his instead of mine ''for a good time'', was, looking back, heartbreaking.

 

Phew.

[markie6]

It's often the depth of feelings rather than the length of relationship that causes the most pain. All the red flags you ignored are now being processed , you would be wise to learn this lesson ..ignore them at you peril next time.

 

All this processing is normal and needs doing and will help you next time. We all get caught up in the heat of the moment, some cannot survive without the heat and constantly chase it. It's these types we try and learn to avoid. If it dies an early death with little or no warning or good reason during the honeymoon phase, it would have never , ever worked long term

 

you'll be fine

[InnerApple]

you'll be fine

 

Thanks man! I know I will be. I just invested so much in this. It was the first time I had in years. I let myself go having nothing to lose. Then I lost it.

 

Listing those red flags on the previous page serves a dual purpose. It acts a lesson in humility. But it also really helps seeing them listed out like that. Her behaviour was despicable at times.

 

I was good to her. I cared for and loved her very much. I know I was because she told me so. She even told me once recently that it annoyed her that I never got angry. She didn't like the fact I didn't fight with her. In a way, it's helped me realise that although I'm hurt again, I do have something to give somebody.

 

Just turns out it won't be her. And I need to keep repeating that.

[Levia]

Pure insecurity on her end. It won't be her anymore, it will be you, you seem just like me and that girl seems just like... her. I let my anger get the best of me (such a horrible thing I did, wrote an angry blog post consisting of 3 sentences) after she screwed me over, cheated, then left for that guy. That guy gets what I've never received from her too - and they're both broken people. Take what you can from that, you will be better off.

 

The fact that you've gotten over people in a matter of weeks, well, once you remove this person from your life you'll probably see a better day in an even shorter time frame. I know I will too. Just gotta keep pushing on. If you need someone to talk to, I'm all ears.

[InnerApple]

I know. It's just difficult having to see her every day. We work together.

 

She seems so happy with people, even though I know she isn't in a good place at the moment and she hates her job. She trusted me enough to share things like that with me. But, I guess I just wasn't what she wanted.

 

Funny how it goes from planning holidays, talking about Christmas, waking up together, really connecting during amazing sex, holding hands...to this.

 

Brutally efficient for her. Painfully heartbreaking for me.

[markie6]

The indifference you could be seeing in her demeanour , could well be an act. It is the way we get people to behave after a breakup... be indifferent.. or fake it , until you make it.

 

So don't try and read to much into it. Hard .. but necessary. You have to at least seem like you are moving on without a care in the world, be polite.. cordial... and above all ... don't show your emotions.

 

I would bet hard cash , she is doing this. However we do not know for sure and speculating what somebody else is feeling or thinking... is futile

[InnerApple]

You're spot on. From today onwards, that's what I'll do. I have some family issues at the moment that she reached out to me about yesterday. She'd heard I was having a rough time and that she hated hearing it from other people. She told me she was still there for me.

 

I thanked her for her gesture, but I told her that it was too difficult. I cannot ''be friends'' with someone who I have such deep feelings for. Feelings that go far beyond any realm of friendship. We both had those feelings. Now, she no longer reciprocates. And I don't have the strength, or courage, to deal with this.

 

I will act polite. I won't be rude or nasty. And I will have to delete her from facebook, too. While I don't like having to take these measures - everybody still fears the idea of losing them completely if you take such measures - I know that I have to take them.

 

I do hope she is happy. And I know she has rid herself of something that she no longer wanted. I only wish I could be happy too.

[skyhop333]

Justme3; Excellent point... !!! I am so glad you refreshed the thought, that was needed!

 

InnerApple; Wow that's a ton of emotional mess you've had to deal with. I can see why your so torn up. I would be feeling the same way if I invested my heart and happiness in the hopes of a relationship like this and I had that done to me. Wow, I am just blown away buy that. I just wonder if your feelings are more "unrequited love" than the loss of "real love". Something to ponder.....