Broken wings, learning to fly again

[iamkaylee]

Thought I would reproduce some of my journals here.

 

Just random pages from here and there, maybe some new things.

 

It's always a journey, never a destination in mind. No map, no plan, just life with a faulty compass and living as if there were no tomorrow.

[iamkaylee]

National Suicide Awareness Day

 

There is no understanding for the survivors. No closure, no ending. Only the pain of guilt, loss and confusion that fades but never quite goes away.

 

 

For those loved and lost, we miss you.

 

Alicia, you were the first. You were so young and had so much ahead of you. I miss your infectious laughter, goofy grin and quick sharp wit.

 

Tommy, your daughter graduated law school with honors this spring. She misses you as do we all. You would be so proud of her, she is beautiful like her mother and a die hard Giants fan just like her Dad.

 

Mike, I am sorry my friend. I always wonder what might have happened had I not made that phone call. It has not been easy but time has slowly allowed me to find some forgiveness for myself.

 

Susannah, you had such a wonderful gift, a voice of pure sweet honey. An angel was surely welcomed home and your voice must grace the bounds of Heaven.

 

James, I still ask why. You were always so happy, so full of life and love. The joker, the happy go lucky fun guy. I will never understand. My brother. I miss you every day and wish I could hug you and talk to you just one more time. Have you call me a pain in the rear, tie my shoes together. Anything.

 

 

For the ones who found their way back from the brink.

 

Phillip, you still owe me a six pack. How many more seasons of Little League has it been now? Too many for me to remember but the kids you teach will never forget their "coach". They have blessed your life as much as you do theirs.

 

John, my dear friend. We are bonded you and I, by something very special. I remember the day I found you as if it were yesterday. How you hated and cursed me. You were so lost and I was so afraid for you. I thank God every day for the day you walked back into my life with a simple thank you, the days you fought for me, to pull me back from my own deepest, darkest despair. Thank you my friend.

 

 

For the scar on my soul

 

I miss you my love. Half a world away and I still wonder and hope you found some happiness. Your note is still locked away in the small box you built for me. I can not bring myself to throw it away. The years pass and I still wonder. Are you alive? Or did you succeed that day? I still wear your ring. I suppose I will never know. I do not want to know.

[iamkaylee]

A turn of the key, a click and the sweet rumble as she comes to life.

Slow idle, deep and loud, loping.

The gear drops, a familiar clunk, a twist of the throttle and she jumps forward.

Willing, eager, ready, wanting more.

The tires sing, the pistons hammer, the frame vibrates.

The smell of hot oil, asphalt and rubber.

She craves the speed, long sweeping curves, twist it up.

Now, carving through corners, scraping pegs, laughing.

More, push it faster, lean a little harder, always more.

Take it to the edge, test it, dare it, defy it.

The countryside sights and smells. Honeysuckle in bloom.

A long slow cruise to nowhere and anywhere.

The miles pile on, my mind clears, troubles fall away.

Until nothing is left but just me, the bike and the road.

The wind in my hair, the smile on my face, the joy of a Harley.

[iamkaylee]

I can't believe it's already September.

I need to clean the gutters again. Maybe later.

Where did I leave my big stepladder?

Time for an oil change on the bike. Need to pick up a filter and just say NO to any more shopping.

Chrome is addictive but a pain to clean and polish.

I really want that modular helmet. No. But it's functional. No. Later? Maybe. On sale? OK maybe.

I hate arguing with myself. I always lose.

Gorilla glue, liquid nails and ramps hahahaha! I love paybacks.

Make a list of stuff I need from the hardware store. Avoid the tool isle.

I don't need that new Cobalt set. I just want it.

I am addicted to tools.

I need to till the garden under. Did I fix the tiller?

I should get some more repairs done today.

It's really nice out. Almost perfect. Lots to do before winter.

Forget it, I'm going fishing.

[iamkaylee]

Spar is a pain

Teak really ruins saw blades

I'll be glad when this job is done and I can go sail her

Need to pick up more fiberglass sheet TODAY

Still need to find where I left my stepladder so I can clean the gutters

I could just fix the extension ladder like I need to do anyway

Check on valves and bearings for the tiller

My lawn equipment is 30+ years old

Am I a tightwad or just old fashioned thrifty?

No one fixes stuff anymore

 

I'm getting really strange (strange-er?) in my old age

I don't care lol

[iamkaylee]

Hello sunshine. I thought of you again today.

 

It's been hard. I miss you so much. John comes by often and drags me out. He took me for a drive today, to nowhere really. The sun was dropping over the mountains. Reminded me of your hair, all gold and copper in the sun. Like it was on fire. Your own beautiful halo.

 

We stopped to get something to eat at that little cafe just down the road from the waterfall I used to take you to. We went down there after, to the falls. I could almost see you playing in the water, swimming in the little swimming hole just downstream. I sat for awhile on that rock where I showed you how to tickle trout and I almost swore I could hear you laughing.

 

The leaves have all turned and fallen. Ice is starting to show on the quiet places in the creek so I know it's getting cold out. I don't feel it. John keeps telling me I need to cry and get it out but I can't. I failed you. I was supposed to protect you and I failed.

 

I can't wrap my head around you being gone yet. I keep looking and you're not there. I know you won't be. Can't be. I can't help looking for you. I can't let go. I don't know how.

 

My sweet Kaitlin. Momma loves you. I miss you so much.

[iamkaylee]

So I am really starting to think I'm either getting crazy(er), just like to have a bit too much fun for my age, I'm really bored, or an adreneline junky.

 

So today I set up a climbing trip with a couple friends for later this week

One day this week I'm going go-kart racing/crashing. If I can't beat you I will try and wreck you lol

Dirtbiking and probably some 'here hold my beer and watch this' type stuff tomorrow

And I just agreed to a 1/4 mile drag race on my Harley. Brilliant!

 

Life is too short to be boring. :smiley_simmons:

[iamkaylee]

A fine day to get out and just enjoy life

 

Spent a good part of the day today out on the water. The wind was just right.

She is just as I remembered her when we built her all those years ago.

So easy, responsive and light to the touch

She flies with the wind, near perfect balance

Cuts the waves like a knife

How I love water coming over the rails

I will hate to see her go but I am happy her owner appreciates her as I do.

 

No better way to send happy and encouraging thoughts accross this water to my online friend.

I declare today a holiday!

[iamkaylee]

The darkness weighs upon me. Neverending nothing. It is there, always. I can not touch it, I can not see it, smell it, nor taste it. I can feel it. It holds me in its arms and seeks to carry me away to the abyss. It drags upon my soul, a shackle that will not be unchained.

 

My heart is empty and dying. Shattered upon the rocks of loss and grief. In its place a tiny ember remains. A ghost of what once was. The pale shade walks beside me now. He calls to me, seeking the last remnants of warmth I have left. I cling to it fiercely though I know not why. The darkness is tempting. I wish to give myself to it, to taste the sweet nothing of the abyss and set my soul free. I cannot. So I have come to this place.

 

The leaves are gone, the branches barren as my heart. Breath mists before my eyes but I do not feel the cold. I am grown much colder inside. The crow flies high overhead, circling, mocking with his freedom. His plaintive cries fill the forest as he takes leave of this cold desolate place. I wish him safe journey as he vanishes with the gentle breeze.

 

I wait and I write, resting in the castoff bounty of springtime, my back against the ancient tree. It towers above the forest floor, bringing life and shelter to many of the small creatures that make their home here. The bark is scarred, as high as I can reach, long, deep wounds from the bear's great claws.

 

The forest whispers and sighs around me, the great tree adding its own soft baritone note to the symphony. Far off, the elk bugles. He proclaims his mastery, challenging all those who would dare oppose him and try to take his harem. For long minutes the haunting sound echoes among the ridges and valleys. I hear no answering call and the trumpet again falls silent as the first cleansing flakes of winter begin their slow descent. The sun tracks lower along the horizon and I know I should leave this place soon.

 

Still, I wait and I write. My mind flows onto the paper as tears trace their own path along my cheeks. Rivers of anguish from a broken spirit. I finally stop, utterly spent and close my eyes, resting, basking in the comfort of the land. I feel nothing but the forest and the mountains around me. I am not afraid here among the ancients. I hear their sweet song echoing in my soul and for the first time in as long as I remember, I am at home.

 

A squirrel chatters warning from high above. I open my eyes and before me, a last ray of sunshine has broken through the clouds. The snow drifts gently down, sparkling in the pool of light, tiny stars cast upon the earth. The squirrel's chk chk chk shatters the scene again. I wait and listen as soft, heavy footfalls approach from the shadows beyond.

 

The bear emerges slowly, choosing his way carefully, scenting, listening. He knows I am there as he pads softly into the light. He wears a silvery dusting of snow but it can not hide the terrible raw power beneath. He pauses, his massive head moving back and forth, ears and nose tuned keenly, questing. A huge cinnamon grizzly. His fur spun of gold, copper and bronze, almost aflame though the trick of of light and crystalline powder. A truly magnificent male.

 

I am always well armed in the wilderness. My rifle sits against the tree, ready to hand, the big pistol tucked in its holster at my hip. I do not reach for them. I wait and I watch, almost transfixed, as the bear snuffles the new fallen snow, easing forward. A half step, another, and another, coming closer but not directly toward me. A lightning thought flashes, I could drop him with a well aimed, very lucky shot. Doubt creeps in, I have never been lucky and I could not empty the gun and bring him down before he reached me. Even so, I long fleetingly for the touch of cold steel and warm wood in my hands.

 

The bear could kill me easily if he chose. I have no chance against several hundred pounds of sheer muscle and cruel weaponry. One blow from his paw, long curved claws raking deep, flesh tearing and ripping. Jaws crushing, smashing, grinding against bone. I am but a mouse to his majesty. The scent of gun oil reaches my nostrils in mute reminder of my weakness. We wait and speak the silent language of predators. Patience.

 

The slight change in breeze or perhaps some soft sound snaps his head up and around. Our eyes meet, and deep within his, I see the wisdom and ancient memories he holds. I am lost to him. This is his domain. He is master here, not I, and we both know it. We drink the very essence of each other, quenching some unknown but unforgotten thirst. A sense of peace fills the small clearing and I feel it as it finds it's way into my soul. I am not afraid. Truce.

 

My eyes burn and at long last I tear my gaze from his. The spell is broken, thought returns. The bear shakes his head and moves on slowly past. The only sounds, my heart hammering, the rush of blood in my ears and the swush, swush of his paws through the earth's blanket of pine needles and snow.

 

He pauses again at the other edge of the wood, turns and finds me in silent awe of what has transpired. His fur, no longer burning with the sun, now wheaten and dun with the deeper, darker reddish tone of uncut rubies. Our eyes meet once more, briefly, before he turns again and disappears into the twilight. A clear message given. Go in peace Sister. Aye, and you also Brother.

 

Grandfather Bear, I trust you to guide me well.

[iamkaylee]

Lord please hear my prayer.

You do all things with a greater plan and this good man is burdened so heavily right now.

I know you walk beside him through all things, please hold him and keep him close.

Bless him with the strength to carry on and shine your light to guide him.

Fill him with peace and comfort him during this trying time.

Send your love to him and his family to fill their hearts and ease the pain within.

Grant this beautiful lady awhile longer with her loved ones.

Allow them the precious time to share their love and find their way.

Show her peace, serenity and faith that she will be welcomed when you call her home.

I pray you will please make these gifts unto them.

These things I humbly ask in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit

Amen

[iamkaylee]

tasted the joy of simplicity?

seen the sweetgrass dance with the wind?

smelled a snowfall?

felt the depths of the oceans?

heard the call of Mother Earth?

known the peace of freedom?

lain beneath the blanket of Heaven and awed at the wonder of its greatness?

[iamkaylee]

rain on a tin roof

county fairs

hard work

the sound of thunder

dancing with a horse

wind in my hair

the smell of saltwater spray

a filled sail

a walk in the woods

fixing things

falling snow

a good steak

the sun on my back

the view from the mountain

a blanket of stars

my dogs

honeysuckle

making sawdust

[iamkaylee]

Kaitlin's birthday.

 

I went for a long walk on the beach this morning just to get out awhile and clear my mind. Too windy and getting sandblasted isn't much fun anymore.

 

Goofed off on this forum way too long today as a distraction. Noticed that I'm getting snappy and cynical. Depression triggers going off. I need to work harder on that. I guess I should have forced myself to go for a ride or work on a few more projects today. Something besides snapping off.

 

I wonder if I'll ever really get over all this. By now, I reckon maybe not and I've just learned to live with it. Doesn't help much sometimes. I don't know. Today I just really missed her.

[iamkaylee]

Reflections

 

 

As time passes I find myself becoming more and more withdrawn from the world. I long for the peace and quiet I once knew. I miss the blanket of stars and the crisp clean air. The chaos of this place is crushing and the memories slowly eat away at my soul. There is nothing here for me but loss, grief and an emptyness I can not name.

 

I hide here in plain sight. Forced to return by circumstance. A world and a life I chose to leave, that I walked away from to save myself. Now, once again, I am here, surrounded by people who know me but know nothing of me. Surrounded by people that I do not want to know I am here. I do not want to be found. So I hide. Everything is familiar but nowhere is safe.

 

I am crawling farther into my shell of anonymity. I don't know if this is good or bad. For so long I've been told I'm wrong for being myself. First my mother when I was a child. I was never who or what she wanted me to be. Always the outcast. The forgotten one. More years, more people, more worthlessness, unacceptance and not understanding. Always forgotten. So I withdraw even more. Is it so wrong when it is the only means of preservation I have left? I do not know. I only know I wish I was someone else.

 

It's becoming harder and harder. I don't want people to know me. Not my name, nothing. Keep away, leave me alone. Even on this forum where I am unknown, I guard my words and hide behind my mask. Often, I think I reveal too much of myself. If not for a few people, I would not continue to come here.

 

I no longer want to love. With love comes pain, joy and sadness. The pain and sadness have always outweighed the joy. Though I crave a deep personal connection, I'm not willing to risk more loss and hurt. I would rather be alone.

 

Simple things, that is all I want anymore. A roof and warmth and to be left alone. Always forgotten, now I do not wish to be remembered.

[iamkaylee]

It's a fine soft night. Few clouds, faint stars in the skies, a sliver moon and a gentle breeze. Solitude.

 

My music, the gentle lapping of the waves as the tide runs in. The sweet smell of salt water surrounds and embraces my little world.

 

The sand is cool beneath me but a warm fire wards the chill air, crackling and snapping, occassional pops when the sap bursts and sparks rise high into the darkness.

 

Fresh caught fish, flavored only with the sea and woodsmoke, honeybush tea and I am content. How can life be finer?

 

I let go my mind, slip these earthly bonds and delve into oneness with the earth.

 

The great bear calls me from afar.

[iamkaylee]

Even as a small child I wished for peace and quiet for Christmas. No fighting, no arguments, no bitterness.

That was all I ever asked for and sadly, the one thing I never received.

Perhaps this year I will find it.

 

 

May this season bring happiness and love to all and may God grace you with His presence always.

[iamkaylee]

Two months today since some selfish jerk decided to tie one on, get behind the wheel and wreck my life. No insurance, no driver's license. He got a couple tickets and a DWI charge. I got three surgeries, screws, steel plates, a totaled bike and a lot of bills. Thanks jerk.

 

Lost my job last week. I understand. I can't walk, I can't work. Be months before I can do much of anything. Just another insult added to injury.

 

I shouldn't complain. Still have my leg. What's left of it anyway. Docs did the best they could but it's not healing up right. I hope I don't need another operation. Guess I'll find out next week at my appointment. Long as it isn't infected or anything else again I'll be grateful.

 

It felt so good to ditch that wheelchair and out stubborn those doctors. Felt good to prove them wrong. Felt even better to prove to myself I could do it. Crutches are a whole nother pain the butt though. Rehab hurts. Hurts bad but it's worth it. I won't spend my life setting around doing nothing. Suck it up and do it.

 

Time to go. Rehab, lunch, then off to look at a new bike.

[iamkaylee]

It's a beautiful night out. Clear, cold and very still.

Another year over, a new one just begun.

Time is its own master and waits for no one.

I wonder what springtime will bring.

[iamkaylee]

Summer is slowly giving way to autumn. The nights are cooler now but the sun still warms the earth during the day.

 

My old friend has returned. I have spent many days watching and waiting, hoping for a glimpse, however brief.

 

She soars higher, ever higher, circling, riding the thermals. I envy her freedom and feel wrong for doing so, yet I long to change places with her if only for a few moments.

 

The eyrie from past years is not far off. Perhaps she will find a new mate and they will rebuild it. Perhaps not. It is always sad when an eagle loses a mate. He vanished two seasons prior. I do not know what became of him, only that he is gone.

 

She is lost to sight now. High above, hunting over the great plains. I shall name her Jael, one that ascends.

[iamkaylee]

Hello sunshine.

 

I packed up most of your things today. I felt so guilty and it hurt so much. Almost like I was erasing you. Like you were never here at all. I can't stand to look at everything sweetheart. I just can't do it. My heart is breaking all over again and there's nothing left of it to break. For the first time in my life I am beaten and I just can't do. My strength is gone, my faith, my courage and I don't know how to find them again. I go day by day and they all run together. I hurt so bad. It's tearing me apart and I take more pills so I can feel nothing again.

 

I am so sorry Kaitlin. I am so sorry. I'm so lost. I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, I miss your pouting and bargaining. I miss our fights over getting your homework done and bedtimes. The house is so empty without you. You were supposed to sing the solo for the school choir. I'll never hear you sing again. Oh sweetheart, no one will ever hear you sing again.

[iamkaylee]

Nowhere and yet somewhere

 

Antelope and deer graze the hillsides

Bison gather in the valley

Bear roams the forest

Elk calls plaintively

Wolf howls in the distance

 

The mountains tower high above

The grasses dance to the music of the wind

The stars shine bright in all their glory

Mother earth breathes a sigh of peace

 

This is truly God's country

[iamkaylee]

A beautiful day out today. Low 70's, low humidity, the sun was shining with just a few big fluffy clouds. It was a perfect day for a ride. I was nervous and not sure exactly what else I was feeling. I had taken my first real long ride since the accident just to go on this run today. I rechecked the rigging for the flag, started the bike and let it idle a bit while I geared up. Helmet, gloves, cell phone stuffed in the saddlebag, good to go.

 

I got to the rally point a few minutes early. There were a few bikes and a trike already there. A bunch of tough looking bikers hanging around in a group. Yep, this was my spot. I pulled in the lot, backed into a spot and shut down. Now I was really nervous. I didn't want to screw up and I didn't want my knee to give out. I should have worn a brace.

 

I'd just pulled my helmet off when an older guy came walking over. He introduced himself and asked if I was there for the ride. I said yes and introduced myself by my road name and real name. I was new to this group after all and didn't know anyone. We shook hands, he laughed, said he was the ride captain today and invited me to come meet everyone else. A lot of handshaking and name swapping followed. My mind was whirling. More bikes kept pulling in and a few cages too. Support vehicles. I was happy to be there and liking this bunch already. I thought I might try to make the run down here again sometime to ride with them. Good people all and everyone with a kind word or a joke.

 

Right on time, the RC called for everyone to gather for briefing. The mood turned somber. The RC went over the route, ride procedures, staging and called for questions. There were none. I was asked if I had any questions on formation or order. I had none, I was comfortable with it, would keep up and keep formation. I knew the drill just not the local protocol.

 

Another older guy stepped up and offered to take me as his wingman for the day. He was a scruffy looking character, rail thin, bearded, long hair tied back and his vest was covered in patches and pins. My own vest is naked in comparison to everyone else there. I only have a small patch, down low on the left side of the back of my vest and almost hidden. I felt even more self conscious now but accepted his offer gratefully. He smiled, his eyes sparkling and thumped my shoulder. The ride captain called out KSU in five minutes.

 

My new friend walked me over to my bike. My leg was aching badly that morning and I was limping slightly. I wasn't long off crutches and it was still healing. I had skipped a week of rehab to make this ride. I grabbed my helmet off the peg and swung aboard. My new friend tugged my vest and tapped my patch. Broken wings. Given to a rider that's gone down. I just nodded. He grinned at me and went off to his own bike.

 

Bikes started firing up. Pipes roaring as they came to life. My new friend eased his bike over next to me and indicated I should stagger in to his right. I gave him a thumbs up. The RC gave the KSU signal. Time to go, kickstands up. We filed out of the lot, bikes, trikes and support cages behind.

 

It was a nice ride over to our staging area. Everyone held formation, they were all old pros at this and a 20 mile run was nothing. I couldn't help but smile along the way. Flags flying, chrome shining, riders moving in a synchronized dance through traffic. We weren't many, maybe a dozen, but I was proud to be there and be included in this group.

 

Our rumble announced his coming. We stayed at parade speed through the grounds over to our designated spot. We backed in to the curb quickly and dismounted. I hung my helmet on the peg and followed my new friend over to one of the support vehicles. Inside were a dozen large American flags. I took one, followed my friend and formed up in line next to him. We were impressive. Nearly two dozen 3'x5' flags waving in the gentle breeze. Everyone standing ramrod straight, eyes forward, unmoving. Right on time.

 

The hearse pulled in followed by two cars. The mourners climbed out and made their way to the hearse. Eight men dressed in suits and jackets of various types. They lifted the coffin carefully from the hearse. Six pallbearers carried it past us to where the tent had been set up over a hole in the ground. The minister walked ahead, one man, the funeral home director, walked behind. I had a huge lump in my throat like I always do but this time I couldn't choke it down.

 

I couldn't hear what was said, I didn't need to. I stood ramrod straight, eyes locked forward and as the bugle sounded Taps, the tears ran down my face. I did not know this man. He was a Vietnam vet. He died alone, homeless, no kin, no friends. The VFW carried him that day. The Army saluted him. I was honored to ride and stand the flagline for him.

 

The brief service ended. The men from the VFW post walked by again. They all nodded to us. We stayed ramrod straight, eyes locked forward. The cars and the hearse pulled away. Their job was done. The grounds grew came in and began their work. We broke formation and walked silently back to our support vehicles, furling the flags as we went to stow them again. I noticed I wasn't the only one trying to hide wiping away tears.

 

The ride captain and my new friend gave me another patch for my vest that day. A small blue and gold triangle. I wear it proudly in honor of a man I never knew so he will never be forgotten again. I ride as often as I can and this is why I ride.

[iamkaylee]

It is quiet here high on the mountain.

 

My retreat. My haven. I come here to write though I know not why any longer. I am haunted by the past and those who have gone on before.

 

I spill my pain and sorrow on these leatherbound pages and always I can fill more. Will it never end. Will I never find solace.

 

I am so tired. The days go by and I've long since stopped counting. It no longer matters. I feel nothing but this deep ache that I can not ease for long. I write until there is nothing left but a hollow shell and still the pain returns.

 

Time, they say heals all. I no longer heal. The scars are too many now, the wounds too great. Every loss takes another bit of my soul. Yet, I get up and go on.

 

At times I wish I could rest. I would let the pale shade take me. Slip into the dark abyss and perhaps find peace there at last. I cannot. I am bound here to this world.

[iamkaylee]

Calm waters, a cool and gentle breeze from the north, warm sunshine.

 

Dragonflies flit about among the reeds and cattails. Red, blue, green and golden. They land nearby occasionally. Pretty things and yet, an eerie leftover from a long ago age.

 

Songbirds call to one another. Cardinal, jay, sparrow and chickadee. They are busy feeding and doing what birds do.

 

It is nice here today on this little sandy beach. I think I'll stay awhile.

[iamkaylee]

I never thought I'd pass on a perfect shot at a nice buck, but today I did. I don't know why, but something told me to hold off, wait and see what comes along next.

 

He was a pretty nice buck too. Seven points, a good size and a decent rack for around here. Not that I care, I really want the meat but venison with a few spikes is just as good as venison without. I don't know why I didn't take the shot, he paused almost broadside just long enough for a clean, steady target and I had enough sight through the trees to hit the sweet spot. Easy from up in the stand. Sight through the peep, center pin just behind the shoulder blade, breathe in, let half out, hold it and squeeze.

 

Something said wait though so I set the bow aside and let him wander on down the trail. I'm in no hurry. Nothing to do today, plenty of daylight left and a lot more days before the season ends. Time to kick back, relax, listen to the birds and watch the squirrels chase one another up, down and around the trees while I wait.

 

A little bit later I decided it was about time to pack it in for the day. I'd give it another half hour tops. I was getting a bit stiff. That something else I'd held off for had turned into nothing until a black bear walked out right at the far edge of my shooting lane. I'd never seen a bear in these particular woods before and very little bear sign.

 

Good thing I decided to wait that half hour. She was ambling along grazing on wild berries, and taking her good sweet time about it too. She had a pair of small cubs following her. No wonder I'd only seen the one buck, she may have been in the area all day long. No place for me to be on the ground. I decided to stay put in my tree, wait a bit and see what happened.

 

I got a big kick out of watching the cubs playing. They wrestled around in the little clearing, chased each other and had a good old time. They were so cute, bear cubs are just adorable. Mom kept on feeding her face, looking around every now and then, slowly wandering through the brush around the clearing.

 

This was getting to be a problem though. It was going to be dark soon and I did not want to not know where this bear and her cubs were when I had to get out of this tree and walk out. Especially if it was close to dark.

 

I decided I'd better do something to get her attention and scare her off. Black bears are pretty skittish of people for the most part, especially around here, and I didn't think I'd have too much trouble. Boy was I wrong.

 

I had an empty potted meat tin in my pocket. Trash left from my afternoon snack. Perfect. I nocked an arrow just in case, held the bow in my left hand, took a deep breath and pulled out the tin. I stood up slowly then wacked the tin twice real hard on the metal rail of the stand and shouted "HEY!" What a mistake.

 

The cubs bolted for the nearest tree, which happened to be just two over from mine, and scurried up the thing just as good as any squirrel I'd ever seen. Mom came charging in the little clearing from the scrub and was obviously not happy. Crap. Now I was stuck and I was not about to make any more noise with those two cubs just a few feet away hanging in a pine tree. I didn't know if she'd call them down and run off or not.

 

Mom started snooping around under my treestand and to this day I swear she smelled that potted meat tin. She stood up, leaned on the tree and sniffed. This was really not good. She started clawing a bit and making a whuffing noise. This was worse. I started really worrying that she might climb my tree. Black bears can climb trees and I smelled nothing like a human.

 

She went back to all fours and I decided I'd better do something before she did. I leaned over a little looking for a shot. I really didn't want to kill her unless I absolutely had to but I could not let her come up my tree either. I was more afraid of the portable stand giving way and falling if she started coming up than I was of being mauled in a tree.

 

I had no safe shot. She was too far under me. If I'd had a firearm I could have had a shot but no chance with a bow. Not yet anyway and I really didn't want it to begin with. I don't hunt predators and I did not want to leave a couple orphaned cubs. She moved away a bit towards the cubs. The cubs started climbing down. Funny how they back down and slide. Cubs back on the ground. I drew, aimed, and took a chance.

 

I stomped my foot and started yelling. Loud. I don't remember what I said but this time it worked. The bear spooked, barked to her cubs and they all took off squalling. Mom looking over her shoulder but beating feet out of there. Thank God.

 

I waited as long as I dared before climbing down. It was nearly dark when I did and I had just enough light left to get out easily. It was either that or stay put until the moon came out. I decided fading light was better then a couple more hours in that tree. I made enough racket along the way to scare anything halfway to China but the hair stood up on the back of my neck the whole time.

 

I reckon now I know why I'd held off for something else that morning. If I'd taken that buck, I'd never have gotten to watch a couple wild bear cubs playing that afternoon. I'd have been a fool to miss something like that.