So I'm thinking about trying an open relationship...

[myonlymotive]

No hate please!! I'll let you know where I'm coming from and if you can relate any experience (past or present), issues, concerns or advice - it would be hugely appreciated!

 

So I've been thinking long and hard about it and I've come to a few conclusions over the past year or so...

 

In my mind, the concept of having sex and being in love (or even just liking someone) are completely, hugely and utterly separated. I mean- having sex while in a relationship is a given and being attracted to the person you're with- but I strongly believe that you can perform the act of sex with absolutely no emotional engagement whatsoever.

 

I'm very open and comfortable about sex and my sexuality and I'm not the jealous type - I've never gotten jealous of the thought of my various boyfriends or crushes having sex with anyone else. Going on dates, yes. Just having sex? Even the flirting and lead up to it? Nope.

 

So, at the moment, I have somebody who I very much have a big crush on. We've had a sexual relationship up until this point and feelings have developed. He's been in a couple of long term relationships previously but not for just over a year or so and I'm about the same. At the moment, we've talked about it and we both really love the idea of dating each other but we're both hesitant because one of the main reasons our previous relationships never developed was because we're both addicted to 'chemistry' and wanted other sexual partners... even though we were quite happy with every other aspect of dating. It was just an intense... lure... which forced us to break up with our respective partners and pursue being single.

 

No deterioration of feelings or attraction to our own boyfriends/girlfriends- very happy with them in every aspect of our lives... - just attracted to others.

 

Um so at this point we were thinking about trying an open relationship.

 

My one rule being that neither of us could sleep with an ex because of the previous emotional engagements and baggage that comes with it. (also frequent STD checks, but we're both pretty good about that anyway)

 

So... what do you think? Have you done it before? Doomed to fail? Worth a shot?

 

I figured, two consenting adults... even if it fails for whatever reason, at least we gave it a go and then next time we have a better idea of what we want and won't make the same mistake again?

[drummergirl]

So... what do you think? Have you done it before? Doomed to fail? Worth a shot?

 

I figured, two consenting adults... even if it fails for whatever reason, at least we gave it a go and then next time we have a better idea of what we want and won't make the same mistake again?

 

Yes, I have had an open relationship before. It certainly had some issues. Relationships are very complicated and when you add more people in they get more complicated. The skills that are necessary in a closed relationship are doubly necessary in an open relationship- communication, problem-solving, honesty, openness, etc.

 

What counts as failure to you? If the relationship doesn't last forever? If it's not fulfilling to both of you? What would count as success in a relationship to you?

 

I don't know that it's doomed to fail, but the chances of it lasting forever... pretty low just given that most relationships of any type don't last forever.

 

You can always give it a shot and see how it goes. If you guys don't like it, then sit down and talk and change it. One thing I would say is that it is important for you to both really be ok with it, but it sounds like the two of you feel the same. Many times, it seems as though open relationships form from pressure from one partner to have it be open but the other only does it to please their partner and that is a recipe for disaster.

 

I would recommend the book The Ethical S|ut. It's a really great book about open relationships, although to be honest, I would recommend it to people in closed relationships as well because I think it has many great points about relationships and communication.

[RedDress]

So... while I've never been in an open relationship, I've known several people who have (and a couple of open marriages too).

 

It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought. You sound pretty grounded.

 

I guess my warnings would be these:

 

- It sounds like you don't like the idea of dating others as well. That's part of the package. At least... in a "traditional" open relationship it is. You each date others, sleep with other people, but your "primary" relationship is with your partner. "Primary" doesn't mean "only". There are other relationships there too. Usually part of that "lure" is the whole dating process - getting to know other people, understanding what makes them tick, etc - not just the sex. And that requires dating.

 

- If you don't like the idea of dating others, it kind of sounds like you are only ok with one-night-stands type of stuff. That's ok - but you really have to be on the same page. Do you do a lot of one night stands now? (Not judging... but if this is the type of thing you are saying you would be ok with - is this in theory, or do you regularly do this and not want to give it up? If you don't do this now while you are single... I have to wonder why).

 

- Communication, communication, communication. Again, what you are talking about sounds a little "non-traditional" as far as open-relationships go. So... you really have to make sure that you are both on the same page as far as what is ok and what is not. And since the boundaries are blurry to begin with, you are really going to have to roll with the punches a little bit if one of you is doing something that is making the other uncomfortable and take the time to talk it out. When lines aren't clear, they often (unintentionally) get trampled. You have to expect this a little. It's not a smooth ride.

 

- And finally - one of the big reasons I personally wouldn't do it - sometimes the very thing you are trying to prevent happens. In one of the open marriages that I knew, they were having some problems with the "primary" relationship (which will always happen - all relationships have their ups and downs). During that time, the wife met and dated someone else (which was normal and expected of their relationship). Only... this time, they met and fell in love. She decided that she wanted a monogomous relationship after all - with the new guy. So they got a divorce. I did ask the husband if he thought the open-relationship lifestyle was the ultimate demise of the relationship (or whether it had no effect) and he said "yes". He doesn't think the relationship would have broken down if they were monogomous... but he did go on to say that he would do the open relationship thing again. So... in my mind, it does put some pressure on the "primary" relationship to be pretty darn good all the time or for there to be an extra-strong (stronger than monogomy) level of commitment.

 

Just some stuff to consider...

[myonlymotive]

Thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate this!!

 

What counts as failure to you? If the relationship doesn't last forever? If it's not fulfilling to both of you? What would count as success in a relationship to you?

 

In my mind failure is that something would happen in the relationship that makes the fallout of the breakup... well, huge- and destroys our friendship as well as our relationship. While this is typical of closed relationships as well, it's kind of something I can see exploding even more with an open relationship- maybe because I haven't dealt with it before and I'm not prepared for most of the issues that would arise. Success would be anything besides this I guess! Obviously together for as long as we both feel it or how long it would otherwise last naturally... and if we broke up, either mutually or in a way that we could preserve something of our friendship. (If not immediately then SOMETIME in the future, even if it means a few months of NC!)

 

- It sounds like you don't like the idea of dating others as well. That's part of the package. At least... in a "traditional" open relationship it is. You each date others, sleep with other people, but your "primary" relationship is with your partner. "Primary" doesn't mean "only". There are other relationships there too. Usually part of that "lure" is the whole dating process - getting to know other people, understanding what makes them tick, etc - not just the sex. And that requires dating.

 

- If you don't like the idea of dating others, it kind of sounds like you are only ok with one-night-stands type of stuff. That's ok - but you really have to be on the same page. Do you do a lot of one night stands now? (Not judging... but if this is the type of thing you are saying you would be ok with - is this in theory, or do you regularly do this and not want to give it up? If you don't do this now while you are single... I have to wonder why).

 

The definition I've given it is an open relationship.. I guess it's more, we've decided on 'just sex'. So no dating other partners or anything like that but we're welcome to one night stands! To be honest, I don't really have a lot of one night stands (at least, what you'd say was on the regular) at the moment and I also have to wonder why... but every now and again they do crop up. He's about the same and I guess it's less that it's something we both do all the time as the loss of the freedom to choose to do that if we really wanted to. We both have a little bit of commitment phobia but we've nutted it out- it's only in relation to restraining ourselves from having sex with other people - that inevitable 'I wonder what that would have been like'.

 

Maybe neither of us are strong enough to deal with it?? I'm never sure if resisting that kind of temptation builds a stronger relationship or weakens it. Can anyone in a long term relationship honestly say that they have never had chemistry or been physically attracted to anyone else? I have no idea, tbh. I just know that we both have so maybe this is something we can contest with this kind of idea.

[drummergirl]

There are also tons of examples of monogamous people cheating/falling-in-love with somebody else and leaving. Then, not only did your partner start a new relationship with somebody else and leave you for them... they lied to you about it too.

 

I think it very interesting what you mentioned about the 'primary' relationship needing to have such a strong level of commitment. I do think in many cases, open relationships do require more commitment and loyalty than closed relationships. It's kind of counter-intuitive, but I think there is something to that.

[RedDress]

Can anyone in a long term relationship honestly say that they have never had chemistry or been physically attracted to anyone else? I have no idea, tbh.

 

To answer this from a monogomist's perspective - I absolutely, 100%, positively think that this is normal. Think about it! If you got married in your 20's or 30's and plan to stay married for 50 or more years, there is NO question in my mind that you are, at some point, going to feel attraction and chemistry with other people in that time. I mean... you don't die. (lol!) Hormones are still flowing. You are going to make connections with other people...

 

Monogomous relationships are 1/2 love and 1/2 commitment. Maybe even 1/4 love and 3/4 commitment. I especially think this is true during the hard times. During the dark, dark days when you are wondering what the heck you are doing with that person (and that for sure will happen), it's the commitment and shared goals that pull you through. Then, through that commitment and mutual respect, you fall in love again.

 

I think that's why a lot of relationships 'fail'. It's hard to be committed to something when sometimes it sucks. Ask an old person who has been married a very long time. Most will say that it sucked at some point, but they pulled through.

 

I don't think open relationships are void of that commitment. I kind of think that the commitment has to be stronger...

 

Edited to say...

 

There are also tons of examples of monogamous people cheating/falling-in-love with somebody else and leaving. Then, not only did your partner start a new relationship with somebody else and leave you for them... they lied to you about it too.

 

I think it very interesting what you mentioned about the 'primary' relationship needing to have such a strong level of commitment. I do think in many cases, open relationships do require more commitment and loyalty than closed relationships. It's kind of counter-intuitive, but I think there is something to that.

 

Yeah!

 

Well... as far as cheating goes, hopefully you are with someone with strong character and morals who would choose not to cheat. But yes - it can happen anyways.

 

But... I think it's even harder if you are in an open relationship. You are already "sampling the goods". At that point, isn't it much easier to say "this is better than that"?

 

In ANY relationship, I think it's about deciding "Ok - that might look better than this - but this is what I have chosen and plan to stick to". If you are already having sex with "that"... well... isn't that a harder decision to make to stick to what you've got?

[drummergirl]

But... I think it's even harder if you are in an open relationship. You are already "sampling the goods". At that point, isn't it much easier to say "this is better than that"?

 

In ANY relationship, I think it's about deciding "Ok - that might look better than this - but this is what I have chosen and plan to stick to". If you are already having sex with "that"... well... isn't that a harder decision to make to stick to what you've got?

 

Probably in some cases. But for other people, it's not so much about wanting something better, but about feeling curious about it or maybe about feeling trapped or restricted by the fact that they can't. I think in an open relationship, it's not a matter of saying, "this is better than that" it's more like saying, I like apples and oranges and I want both. And if you have to chose between apples and oranges if you're stuck with apples right now, you may be tempted to switch to just oranges for a while, but if you can have both... why leave this for that?

 

And there is no wondering. When you're just fantasizing about another dude, you can imagine it to be exactly how you want and feel like you're losing out in your relationship. When you go sleep with him, and get to know him, you probably realize he has just as many problems as your 'primary' guy.

 

OP has ended relationships based solely on wanting to have sex with "that", in this case, if she was able to do so, maybe it would be easier for her to stay in a relationship?

[RedDress]

Probably in some cases. But for other people, it's not so much about wanting something better, but about feeling curious about it or maybe about feeling trapped or restricted by the fact that they can't. I think in an open relationship, it's not a matter of saying, "this is better than that" it's more like saying, I like apples and oranges and I want both. And if you have to chose between apples and oranges if you're stuck with apples right now, you may be tempted to switch to just oranges for a while, but if you can have both... why leave this for that?

 

I agree it's about wanting both, not just one... but I think it comes down to this...

 

IMO, in ANY long term relationship (open or closed) - at some point - you are going to wonder why you are committed to the person you are committed to. In that critical moment, is it easier to decide to leave (or stay) based on the fantasy of someone else or based on the reality of someone else? Because, it WILL happen whether the relationship is open or closed.

 

... and then there's cheating. So it can happen anyways...

 

Basically, what I'm saying is that I don't think that an open relationship should be used as "leave" prevention. That temptation is going to exist whether you are in an open or closed relationship. If you want to have an open relationship, have it because you want to have sex with other people too. Don't have it because you are afraid that they (or you) will want to leave to be committed to someone else.

[laninaperdida]

How long have you been "with" this 1 you have a big crush on?

 

I ask because my experience has taught me the beginning stages (first few months) are usually "open" to @ least 1 party in the relationship.

They aren't completely self-aware as to what they're doing & they sure as **** don't tell anyone they're having coffee with Tina & texting Stacey, but they're definitely doing it.

I've noticed by my past relationships & those around me that is takes a verrry long time for the relationship to actually *be* monogamous.

(Saying 1 thing is completely different from doing.)

As a little social experiment, randomly creep someone on your FB (doesn't matter who) & you'll see that he went to the cottage with Betty, but checked into the Keg with Joanna.

(It won't be *that* obvious, lol, but if you dig you'll realize people are spending time with a lot of other people.)

 

As far as the open relationship aspect is concerned, I accept that it has to happen, initially, but I would never settle for it after I felt a certain amount of time has passed & we should be @ a certain point.

I just couldn't do it because I'd know *deep* down that I was telling myself I was OK with it when in actuality I had to settle for it because he wouldn't commit the way I wanted him to.

[iamkaylee]

A lot of good advice and thoughts here. I can't think of much to add except to think long and hard before broaching the subject with your partner. Work out all the details in your own mind as far as what's acceptable and what's not. Then, start talking, a lot of talking over a period of time. Don't just have a quick conversation, call it good and go for it. If you can both come to an understanding you're comfortable with, try it and see what happens. As long as you continue to keep the primary relationship your first concern, communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and where you're at with everything, it can work. When one partner or both start spending too much time out prowling, you've got a problem.

 

"Permission" to sleep around doesn't always mean someone will. And knowing that a one night stand isn't going to break a relationship up can actually strengthen it a great deal. This works very well when one partner travels for long periods and both partners can accept it is just sex and means nothing as far as the primary relationship is concerned.

[lavenderdove]

I know people who have been in open relationships, and have been 'hunted' for a long time by a guy who has an open relationship with his current wife who is an ex of mine who really wants me in his life but i will not agree to being the outsider in an open relationship for all kinds of my own reasons. There a lot in it for him (sexual variety and keeping me as a 'friend') but not much in it for me considering he isn't really free for anythign other than random couplings which don't interest me because of my own preferences for relationships.

 

But because of what i have learned watching people in open relationships that i know, i think it is safer for the couple if they decide to become swingers rather than just open, because open involves a lot of one-on-one time with someone else where love and feelings can come into play, whereas swingers usually do it together with other couples in more controlled situations where there is not emotional alone one-on-one time that is like 'dating' the outside person, but more of a 'party' atmosphere where the swingers interactions are clearly about sex and not about feelings or relationships. I don't know any swingers who have big problems in their relationships (other than one of the partners or another deciding they don't want to swing anymore and want to be monogamous), but people in open relationships run a lot more risk in terms of potential ruin the relationship with feelings getting involved.

 

One problem i know of is situations where the outside woman falls in love with the man, and a very much planned 'unplanned' pregnancy happens to try to lure him away from the wife and/or break up the marriage because she sees the wife as the impediment to getting the guy, and wants him as a partner and not just for sex. I know a couple guys who this happened to, where they were happily enjoying what they thought was fun no strings sex in an open marriage, when the other woman lied about birth control and turned up pregnant and determined to keep the baby and try to demand he now equally participate in the other woman's life as part of a new 'family' with a child as well.

 

So the man then had to pay child support to the outside woman, and the wife had to deal with either her husband away a lot while living with/tending to the other woman's family, or else the other woman's child in her home on alternate weekends as shared custody, and also the loss of the 'family' money and time going to someone else as child support and raising the other child. And the man constantly torn as to which woman he should be with, and working overtime trying to keep them both happy as well as raise kids in two relationships.

 

In cases i know where this happened, divorce eventually ensued because of the stress and complication of this 'dual family' situation where kids got involved. The wives involved decided they got sick of being in a situation where they had to share the man in more ways than just accomodating sexual trysts now and again as the original open relationship was intended to do.

 

And the other problem is that emotions are not easily and conveniently controlled. If there is a very exciting lover involved, the person may start to resent the current partner as holding them back from having the fun they want or enough time with the exciting person, and or want to spend a lot of time away from home which the at home partner may resent. And one partner may be very successful at finding outside partners to play with, but the other not, and then resentments build up because one person is playing too much while the other sits at home feeling neglected.

 

So there are many many complexities involved that have nothing to do with the sex itself. People see open relationships and say, 'oh goodie, sex and freedom' but honestly some of the people i know in open relationships are not free at all and are in fact more tied down with split loyalties and obligations to satisfy a whole bunch more people than just one partner, emotionally and sexually and financially. It starts out as the idea of fun freedom and sexual variety, and ends up being something entirely less appealing than that.

 

So from what I have learned based on watching it, i would suggest that you consider swinging rather than open relationships. Swingers are very much into safe sex and don't want pregnancies nor emotional attachments or private time with their swinging partners. It is all about sex in the swinging community and that line is very clearly drawn and people do no see each other privately away from their own partners which is where the trouble can start.

[iamkaylee]

I can agree that swinging could be a viable option for the OP if she and her partner would like to explore the option of others as a couple. It doesn't sound like she was interested in persuing that but was more looking for a "license to cheat" agreement.

 

Swinging carries just as many pitfalls as an open relationship. While pregnancy is much less a concern with swinging, safe sex is not as much of a big deal as it's made out to be. Unsafe sex is just as common as safe. A lot of couples enter swinging because the male partner pushes it and the woman just goes along in an effort to make him happy. This never works even if the woman is bisexual. Partner imbalances within the primary relationship lead to one person wanting to go out and "play" more than the other, "get more" or ignore the primary partner's feelings to persue self gratification.

 

Close friendships and emotional attachments happen frequently even with swingers and often more so. It's a fairly closed community and even when a couple limits their interactions to parties only, you still get to know the same people, socialize at the event outside the sex and get to know one another. Couple A might form a presumption that couple B is willing to "play" just because they did at the last party or two. Same room, different room, open bed, there's a lot involved in swinging, way more than just an open relationship.

 

The main thing is, when you start swapping body fluids with someone besides your partner, you just opened the door to a whole new huge dynamic and there's no way to predict all the problems and head them off before they start. You will have problems, it's being able to handle them that makes or breaks these types of relationships.

 

As a side note, NOT ONE couple I've known or been involved with has been able to maintain either swinging or an open agreement. All have eventually split up or divorced. IMO it works for polyamorous people or people who want to experiment for a short time. Long term, it just does not work.

[Batya33]

I think as long as you're both safe (and "pretty good" about getting checked for STDs is not good enough IMO if you're involving other people, certainly). I'm not sure why you're labeling it an "open relationship" -isn't it just that you're casually dating this person so that you're allowed now to hook up with other people (other than ex's?). It also sounds like what triggered it is not a general desire for an open arrangement but simply that you want to have sex with your crush - I'd examine the triggers a little more carefully to make sure you're being honest with yourself and him about the motivation here.

[rosephase]

Hi I'm in a kind of open relationship (i'm polyamorus which is much more relationship focused but we are also open to new and casual sex partners) it sounds like you two are going about this in a good way. Here are some questions and thoughts I would want to explore the answers to before I started an open relationship with someone new. So that I could feel we were on the same page.

 

1) Make sure you both agree on terms. What is making out? What is sex? What is "dating". It might seem like a silly thing but people have very different definitions and can end up feeling burned when they are told "we will only make out" to later find out that it was a lot of dry humping and getting eahc other off through clothing.

 

2) How much do you want to know? Do you want to know when he is on other dates? Do you want to know if and when he has sex with someone new? Do you want the other person to know that you exist? Do you want to meet the other person? Are there people who are of limits (friends, family members, people either of you work with?) Do you want to know which sex acts are happening? Would you rather not have details?

 

3) How do you keep conversations open about feelings developing for any of these sex buddies you might find? How would you feel if his other partner developed a loving attachment to him? How would you feel if he developed a loving attachment to one of them? How do check in with each other about feelings as you move forward?

 

4) Do you agree on what safer sex is? Will you be using condoms with other people? Will you use condoms or dental dams for oral sex? Will you be using condoms between the two of you? Do you want STD screening from new partners before you have sex with them? Do you want proof of birth control if going without condoms?

 

5)Think long and hard about things you might want just for the two of you. Is there a restaurant that you don't want him taking his dates to? Is there a sex act that you want to be just something the two of you share? Would you prefer that he only has sex with you in his bed? And figure out a way to safely talk about these kind of things if you run into things that hurt that you weren't expecting.

 

6) Do you want to make sure you have a date when he has a date? Is there some kind of communication you would like while he is on a date even if it's just a text saying he is home safe?

 

These are all good things to think about and inevitably you will run into things that hurt or feel strange.

 

My best advice is to really do some soul searching and figure out what you want. Then don't get upset at yourself if what you thought you wanted doesn't turn out to be true. You are trying out something new, something not all people can do and something that isn't terribly supported by our society. Keep in mind that this is going to be an adventure and a growing experience, it can be a lot of hard work but it can also be amazing.

 

For me being open reminds me that everyday I choose my partners because I love them and I'm committed to them. I get to fall in love a lot (which in my mind is always a good thing) I get to have new relationship energy that I can bring to other parts of my life and I get to have my amazing partners support and love while I struggle, learn and grow with new people.

[Moontiger]

I think you have some really great advice here. I just want to throw in my two cents.

 

I have known many people who have been in open relationships. None of them have lasted longer then a year, all have ended with people hating each other and never speaking again. My BFF from college was in an open relationship when we started hanging out, I watched as it fall apart and she got very hurt. She has told me "It's one of the stupidest things I ever did." (just to give some background she is bi-sexual and once told me "I have done things in bed that even the devil looks at and says "That is just not right!" She is rather proud of that!) She is now engaged and in a very happy mongy relationship.

 

The key, I think, is to do a lot of research. And listen to all stories not just the ones you want to hear. There are a lot of pit fall to be aware of. And, both you and this guy need to agree on how often you will get check for STDs (being "pretty good" about it doesn't cut it when you can infect many people), if you will show each other the results or just take each other at your word.

 

You are also going to have to come up with your own set of rules. Some common ones I have see: No bringing anyone to our house, no cuddling, no sleeping with anyone prettier/more successful/bigger boobed/in better shape/younger/ etc then I am, no hook up on special days (birthdays, holiday, etc), I want to know everything/nothing/somethings, no contact with the other person after sex, condom ALWAYS, no discussing me or us with the other person, the list really goes on and on.

 

I was thinking about this, in some ways, with an open relationship like this, you must be more controlling then in a closed relationship simple because you do have to come up with sets of rules like this that dictate how a person can act, what they can do, when and where. And, remember, he gets to come up with his set of rules for you.