africas_child Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 Please help ... i have carried my past alone for so long that there was something safe in no one knowing .. and i had a very present very real threat not to tell anyone .. well have but... it is too long to explain let me just say my story spans 9 years and 3 continents. About 8 months ago i broke down in my rez room and a really good friend just listened as i tried to explain my pain, shame, and terror which are all still very real. He didnt look at me the way most people do when they find out that someone has a "past". But after i broke down he was really as supportive as he knew how to be and there were a couple nights he stayed up until after the sun rose again only to be willing to start all again if i needed to. I found out though that he felt the need to protect me after that.. which made me feel awful for burdening him with my miserable tale of pathetic existence (dont get me wrong i am a happy person who exudes confidence and purpose... a facade i have built up over may years). Well sure enough the reason i wasnt supposed to tell found out and threatened to fly to canada to put me straight one final time. The problem is he also threatened to finish off my friend bec. him knowing was me being weak and opening the door to problems beyond my imagination. I know i shouldnt have told anyone .. and i could pay for this rediculous idea i am anonymous on the interent but ...but i need help i live in fear that he will show up and i know how much damage he can do, and i know that if i had to i could handle it again but i am so afraid for my friend who doesnt know what he has gotten into simply by being there to listen. Please i know that you are sitting here wondering how He found out i told someone but it is so complictated just know he ALWAYS finds out when i do something i oughten to have done.. ALWAYS and then it is pay up time. Please help i dont want my friend to get hurt and i .. i don tknow how much more i can take i am just spent, i have nothing left to give no real reason left to go through it again but no way to avoid it. It is like a horrible nightmare that i cant wake up from, and when i do i find out it was no nightmare it is reality. I dont what to do anymore. Please help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antzca2000 Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 um cant you call the cops on this this guy? What is he the president of russia? Mafia boss of Japan? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 I don't know if this is a joke or not, but if it isn't you should never say anything, especially if you now someone else can get hurt. If you do something wrong you have to pay the price. They call it a past because that is where you leave it. Anyway...Talk is cheap...why give you a warning? If he was smart, he would not even say nothing and just come and get the both of you. Why give you a chance to go to the police or tell anyone else? If your story is true it sounds like he watche the Sopranos too many times. Good Luck, and sleep light. DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
africas_child Posted October 16, 2004 Author Share Posted October 16, 2004 So i was wrong to tell my friend in rez? I didnt plan to i just broke down. It is always easier to point ingers when you arent the one making decisions isnt it. I cant change what i did i didnt m ean to bring trouble but i guess i have now and i just need to figure out what to do. Thought maybe an outside opinion would help. I have kicked myself so many times for telling my firend but i cant change it now so what do i do from here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 Well I don't know how to give you an opinion if I don't know what you did in your past and what you told somebody. Nobody knows you here, so why don't you tell us, then maybe we can help you find a solution. DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
africas_child Posted October 16, 2004 Author Share Posted October 16, 2004 alright, you are right i am sorry it is just that i am not used to this whole ask for advice thing and as you can see i suck at it. Here goes then : As to my past i read what i wrote in the first post and yeah it sounds pretty far fetched doesnt it. Sadly it is not. I have travelled a lot as a child, all over canada and lived in west africa betwen the ages of 9 and 16 (my parents were missionaries over there). My story starts when i went to an international boarding school in Cote D'Ivoire where at the beginning of my grade 7 year i met a guy named Richard. He was two years older and i was deffinately not interested in anything but soccer and my friends. However life being what it is we ended up "going out" and everyone thought we were really cute toegether. I was his little princess. But that changed quicky but i didnt know what to do the first time he smacked me so i let it go (i knew it was wrong but he was so appologetic and i tought it was just amistake etc). Anyways i wont go into all the detail but it got a lot worse to th point where i wore long sleeves and trousers in 45+degree weather so nobody could see the buises. He told me I made him do it that i made him show my how much he loved me by hurting me. I cant explain everything that happened but it got to the point where he beat me up and one night forced himself on me and i didnt understand what he was doing until it was too late. After that it was as though he thought he could take me whenever he wanted, and he did. I tried to fight dont get me wrong but he was so much bigger then i was and threatened to hurt my friends if i ever told a soul. This lasted a year, the one time i tried to get him to stay away in front of my friends i ended up paying very dearly for it so i didnt try that again. At the end of the year he moved back to England and i thought that despite what had happened at least it was over and i could bury it and leave it behind. However being good friends with all of my friends he always (and to this day) knew how i was doing and swore if i ever told he wouldnt just come after me he would come after whoever i told too. I know it sounds rediculous not to just let someone know and see if they cant get him to stop contacting me (he gets my info from my friends who dont know anything ever happened) but i know how much he can do and i am terrified of what would happen next. Why not leave it behind right .. in the past stay in the past .. well because a) he keeps in contact through my friends to remind why i shouldnt open my mouth and b) becuase i tried to just keep it to myself but i cant do that anymore it is just too much for me now, and havig told this friend it has brought back stuff i had locked away and so it is more prevalent in my mind then ever and i cant black it out. So he found out i told, i dont know how maybe something said by me who knows but he has threatened to fly over here and 'set it straight'. Am i a fool to believe him, it is hard not to when i remember what he could do when he was still only in grade 9. I am just scared and i dont know where to turn. I am scared he will show up and i am more scared he will hurt this friend who has doe nothing wrong. Well ....i cant write out all the details of what happened, i just cant put some of them down yet .. but i am working on it, and one day who knows.. but for now i hope this has helped to fill in the picture a little bit. Please let me know what i can do from here as i am out of ideas and so tired of living afraid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dizzymeg Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 wow, you know what, I have never been in a situation like that so i don't know if you should take my advice or not but here's my take on it: I've never been in an abusive relationship but I've been stalked before. It was VERY scary. Thankfully the guy never touched me, although he threatened, he never got the chance. I wouldn't let him. He threatened me not to tell anyone what was happening but I'm a fighter. I'm independent and I don't take any crap from anyone. What made him think I was his puppet and he could tell me what to do? I don't know but I cleared that up for him really fast. You need to fight. Stand up for yoursellf. Not physically, i mean mentally. Show him he can't jerk you around. He's obviously a coward who is just doing this for power over you, power over someone. Maybe he feels like he doesn't have any power in his life so he tries to take over yours. He has no right to do that. NO RIGHT! You are your own person and you must take the wheel now. Don't let him drive anymore!!! So here's what to do: You said he gets his info through your friends?? Well, spread the word honey! Don't just tell one person, tell ALL of them. Tell EVERYONE. Most importantly, make a police report on him. They might be able to get him too, depending on jurisdiction. So far you've said he's guilty of battery, simple battery, rape, and threats to yours and others lives. This guy is a ticking time bomb and you must protect yourself. On the good note: the reason for telling everyone will be so that you will have many protectors. Just the fact that they are there and know about him will scare him. Secondly, you tell all your friends (ALL of them) and they will pass it on down the line and sooner or later he won't be able to get anymore information on you. On a not-so-good note If he does come after you, all of your friends will know and the police will have a report, so he will NOT get away with it. Let him know this if you have to. Furthermore: Don't ever talk to him. Over the phone, in person, through letters, or on a computer, nothing! Don't let your friends talk to him either and don't send him any kind of messages through other people. Not even to tell him to leave you alone. He wants attention. He wants to know that he has power over you so you've got to cut off ALL communication. After awhile he will, hopefully, stop trying to contact you. And if he does and somehow succeeds and you are stuck talking to him: BE STRONG! Stick up for yourself. Let him know you are not interested in being his puppet anymore. There's this saying that goes has power over you unless you grant it to them" Remember that! Don't grant him any power! And four more points 1) you are not the only one in a hole here, you have ALOT on him, and he could go to jail for a VERY long time. He knows that already. 2) Seek Counseling!! I strongly advise this since he is dangerous and has threatened your life. They can tell you what to do better than me. 3) There is always shelters, he can't find you if you are there. 4) lastly, on a personal note, he has done some bad things and has some very bad karma now. This will all come back to him 3 fold. So maybe you can find some comfort in that... p.s. Watch the movie "whats love got to do with it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 I think this is situation dependent. I don't think any of us can really give you a great answer into what to do. You can stand up to him like mentioned above and anger him more to the point that he may come get you just because you are calling him out. On the other hand if you act intimidated he will continually intimidate you. Going to the police is more logical, but doesn't mean that he still would not come for you. You won't be having armed guards outside your home from reporting it. You just never know how someone is going to react from your actions. I have been threatend a number of times, most are just intimidations. Very few have actually come through and I have been in a number of different situations over the years. I have also seen these scenarios play out in multiple ways. For example there was one guy that threatened me and some people I knew...he never came after any of us to do what he said he was going to do, but a year later he threatened a girl and did go through with what he said he would do for her. Every situation is different and unpredictable. My advice, if you can't defend yourself then don't get him aggrevated. Ask him what you can do to squash the situation. Try to talk your way out of the situation. Also contacting the police is not a bad idea, just to have this informationon record. Most likely they will not do anything anyway but have it in a report. Good Luck DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodkarmakitty Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 You've got to tell all your friends (especially those who know him so they can know who he really is and stop telling him anything about you), tell as many people as you possibly can who know you or him, tell all your family, tell a counselor and finally tell the police everything. The more people who are aware of what is going on the better. I understand why you are afraid, but you've got to stand up and stop taking this from him. Get help from the police and a restraining order. It's time to take charge of your life and make things change for you. No one on this planet has the right to make you live in constant fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 Restraining orders don't do anything for protecting you. If he wants to get you, then he will get you. Telling everyone is just going to make things crazy. Just get it squashed and never speak of it again. DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dizzymeg Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 Telling people is the only way she can get away. Don't tell her "if he wants you, he'll get you" Oh, thats really comforting. DBL, I don't think there's any way she can simply ASK him how she can "squash" this. He's obviously dangerous and she shouldn't talk to him. He has already raped her and threatened her and her friends' lives. Are you saying she should simply ignore his very deliberate impedment upon her rights as a person and let him do this to her? The only way that he keeps finding her is through friends. So if she tells her friends, then they won't give out information anymore, and he won't know anything on her anymore. Africaschild, personally, I think you should seek help, whether that be through the police, your friends, a counselor, whatever, just don't give up! But thats just my opinion. If you want to take DBL's advice, then at least buy yourself a gun. please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 My sister and her friends go out to a bar one night. One of her friends has a restraining order against her boyfriend(a cop no less). He walks into the bar and shoots her in head and then kills himself. So the law and the restraining order has failed. What i'm saying is, if you can't defend yourself why make things worse then what it is. Just try to work it out with him. It has nothing to do with her being raped, if that is the issue at hand then she should try to file charges on that. Nobody has to take my advice, these are just ways I would handle things if I was in her situation. If it was my situation I would leave the front door open for him. DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodkarmakitty Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 DBL, I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience with your sister, but this is a different situation and it's possible that the way you would handle the situation currently has been colored by the negative outcome you previously experienced. I don't understand how you could tell this woman to try and work this out with this man who could prove to be dangerous. I don't think it would be very wise to try to reason with someone who has clearly proven that reason and rationality is beyond them. She should at least try to talk to other people and try to get the police involved. In the case of your sister, yes, it didn't work out, but that's not to say that this time, with this situation, it might just help things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 goodkarmakitty To each their own...it is just my opinion...if she does not want to take it that is fine. Nobody is going to do anything about it, why make things worse by telling everyone? I'm not being negative I speak from experience. There is probably not right way or wrong way being that every situation is different. I know what worked for me, and that's the advice I give. Which being that i'm still here is a postive outcome, well some people may have different opinions on that. DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodkarmakitty Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 I totally understand DBL and I don't believe you are being negative. Sorry if that's the way I worded things. You are merely offering your experience. I suppose what I meant was that we shouldn't assume that telling people will make it worse. But alternatively, I shouldn't assume that telling people will make it better. Ultimately she decides what is right for her, but at least she has people like us to help her see that she does in fact have options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBL Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 No problem, It is all good with me. We all want the same outcome that's all. DBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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