Resolved some issues, so now...?

[Mizz]

I don't know what to think of it. But last week I saw my ex for the first time in a while (over a month it had been) and we talked about many things. We discussed how he feels, how I feel, the break up/what happened since, then we talked about the relationship and what went wrong on both our parts.

 

He broke up with me a little over 3 months ago and we had dated for 2 yrs before that.

 

He told me how right now he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he's having a hard time figuring out what he wants in life overall, with starting college, and that everyone has a goal in life and he wants to make a difference some day, he wants to make people happy and he felt like he wasn't doing a good job. How he just doesn't know what his is yet and like how he needs time alone to just "find himself". He hasn't been talking to other girls since, which I know for a fact. He pretty much has just been alone since we broke up.

 

But after he had told me that we talked more. I reassured him how he has time to figure things out regarding his future. And we talked about other things related to "growing up" (I'll be 20 and he's going to be 19). He told me he still loved me or never stopped loving me. He told me how he took full blame for "ruining the relationship", and he has NEVER admitted to being wrong to anything before, so that was kinda huge.

 

Which then I said how all relationships have ups and downs, no one's perfect, but I didn't think what had been going on couldn't have somehow been worked out at the time.

 

Then he brought up our relationship. He wanted to talk about the relationship, what happened in it/what was wrong in it. And we discussed some issues that we had when we were dating. We were very understanding of each other and listened, said sorry, admitted to where we faulted and how looking back we shouldn't have reacted the way we had at times. We basically solved and cleared a lot of past issues we had that had been unresolved. It felt nice to discuss everything, it was kind of refreshing cause the issues we had before I did have a lot of time to reflect on so I had wanted to talk to him about them at some point, but then he brought them up and we worked them out.

 

He was surprised how my mindset changed on certain issues and I said "they're no big deal, it comes down to how the guy treats the girl. I've had a lot of time to reflect on everything"

 

after we talked he said "well I’ll be in NY for a week but I’ll text you when I’m there. And we can hang out more now though since we talked about all of that. Cause today was awesome!”

 

In the car, after talking, he asked "can we headbutt?" (yeah which I know that sounds weird, but it was something we did when we dated) and I said "we haven't done that in forever?" and he said "I know, but, can we?" so we did.

 

But then it’s like after all that talking he also seemed REALLY happy, was singing and dancing in the car especially enthusiastically, and he got kinda flirty with me the rest of the night. But in a goofy non-sexual way. He just seemed so much more comfortable around me. I’d suppose he also felt good to talk about all that stuff and get it off his chest as well.

 

At one point he called me baby too, when we were playing a game and I accidentally killed him I apologized and he had told me "it's ok baby" Which he hasn't called me that in months. But I just didn't acknowledge he said that, I thought that was just a slip.

 

And here's where I get confused if this even has potential at all or is anything.

 

He told me how "I'll be in NY but I'll text you when I am there"... He did randomly text me earlier Sunday and we had been talking all day, casually. And he’s technically on “vacation” staying at his cousins’ house for the week in NY and he chose to still talk to me randomly. He was even at a party that night and still continued to talk.

 

He cares, but I wouldn’t want to get my hopes up. And I don’t want to rush anything even if it has the slightest potential. It seems positive and promising but I don’t want to necessarily anticipate anything cause I’d hate to feel disappointed.

 

I figure if a guy knows what he wants he goes for it though, potentially. I’d think since he ended it, that maybe it’d be best if he brought up getting back together when he’d feel ready to. But then I don't want to read too much into anything. Cause I fear him only wanting to be friends and nothing more, cause I can’t really tell how he feels.

 

I know for a fact I could never JUST be my ex’s friend (even though for now we technically are). But I was never his friend, I never wanted to be his friend, I had wanted to be his girlfriend. I feel like he and I aren’t even exactly being honest about this “friendship”. He’s putting that (friend) label on it... It’s more like a completely stalled relationship... It’s like we both have some feelings but other things have gotten in the way that have to be dealt with first. Like our past relationship issues we discussed though (that was one thing), and now he has his own anxieties about college to deal with still.

 

For me, it’s either kinda like an “ok maybe we could potentially get back together in time if we are patient and work through these problems, this meant too much to me to necessarily throw away and give up on” or a “no, I can’t just be your friend cause I’d always like you more than that”. He TOTALLY knows how I don’t want to be his friend, I even told him we aren’t friends and never were friends and how I never wanted to BE friends. it’s not really a relationship of any sort at all, it’s just an awkward middle of fondness yet nothing, all at the same time. So since it’s a weird situation I suppose there’s nothing else to call it at the moment except “friends”. But... he knows how I feel about being “friends”...

 

I'm just afraid of being rejected or it being dragged on. But I know I can’t wait forever, and I won’t wait forever. I kinda don’t exactly know the best way to handle it other than just do what I feel is right.

 

But overall, I don't know what to think of everything... or what could be even going on. I don’t know if that can be called reconciling since we never talked about trying again. Though we cleared a lot of things up and were so happy after we talked about it all, our moods totally changed (in a good way) towards each other. And he seemed so much happier after we talked. But we never mentioned anything about getting back together or trying again. But I know from how we solved a lot of past issues it’d potentially open a new door to maybe having a stronger relationship in the future.

 

But as for now I am not sure what happens from here? Or if there’s any particular advice or how to handle things? Things seem kind of seem more positive/good. But I don’t want to get my hopes up....

[Mustachio]

So, after reading your post, I think you already know what you need to do.

 

- You are very worried about being in limbo

- You want to be with him

- You do not want to be friends

 

So, whats going to happen if you do nothing is that the two of you will probably be friendly and possibly even develop a friendship. He will most likely be fine with it, you will not. Things will go on seemingly fine from his end, but you will become increasingly agitated and annoyed that its not going anywhere until you finally get into a big fight that ends any possible future friendship or relationship.

 

I think you need to be upfront with him, tell him what you want and since you dont want to be his friend, dont settle for being his friend while he works things out.

[Mizz]

I have gotten mixed opinions on being up front D:

 

Though I already specifically told him we aren't friends, I never wanted to be friends etc. So as far as how I feel about that, I am pretty sure he's aware that I'd want to potentially give things another shot though... Or at least knows how I feel about being "friends" and how I don't want that.

[Streetbob]

Agree with the above.

 

Although things look promising and might well work out in the long run, right now he needs to be clear about what he wants.

He needs to find that out for himself, without you.

 

Friendship is painful and frustrating and I definitely could never do that.

 

Why don't you just keep some limited contact going until he can work things out?

[Mizz]

Plus, I'd be hesitant to even bring up getting back together or fear being rejected. I'd feel like since he ended it, it'd potentially be better for him to suggest. Since he is still dealing with things, I wouldn't want him to feel pressured or guilted into anything cause that wouldn't be good either.

 

I do feel like he still has to figure things out, alone.

 

it has been limited contact since we broke up, we have always talked only occasionally.

 

It's been Nice general/random conversation since we last saw each other. Though he's seemed to be more comfortable about contacting me first lately. But I know that's not significant since he still has things to deal with in his own life first.

 

But I'll feel like it's more positive, but then sometimes just be so discouraged or wonder what the point is.

 

We solved a lot of things and it has potential in the future. Though for now it's like I am trying to figure out what's best to do.

 

It's kinda like everything is so unclear right now with how he feels about me and of course with what he wants (I am pretty sure he'd know what I'd want though). I feel like it's one of those things were only in time it'd become more clear.

[Streetbob]

I know how you are feeling and I would say look at the new developments in a positive light.

Don't be over eager to push things along....just let them develop naturally!

 

Maybe step back a bit again and let him make the next move?

[Mizz]

I of course know I could never push for anything. And being over eager would also get nowhere, I wouldn't want to come accross as that way anyhow. Cause I know there was never anything I could/can do.

 

It's seemed like no matter what's happened along the way, good and bad, that we somehow either way still got to a point where we recently resolved a ton of past relationship issues which went unaddressed before. And those issues probably also contributed to the ending of the relationship. So it's like addressing those made it more positive for us both, and it's one less "overwhelming" thing for him to worry about then.

 

Though I know either way that's not some guarantee for getting back together, it makes for a possibility though in the future.

 

I think letting things just happen as they would is the best approach. And I am sure it always has been XD. Just I've been over thinking things so much that I almost forgot to just like "relax".

 

I could always step back a bit, which I have. Last time we talked was Sunday. He texted me himself. And so I mean I know it's just texting, and not good to like plan WHEN to talk, it should just kinda happen, but I was wondering since if he had texted the last few times if maybe I should randomly next time? Or if it'd make a difference/matter... Or if he should just keep making "moves" since he is the one who still needs to figure things out in his life.

[Streetbob]

Try and develop the mindset of somebody entering a relationship.

He texts you.....you text him.

 

Keep it light and fun.... Then see what happens.

 

I certainly don't think there is any harm in sending an occasional text...trick is to have no expectations and not come accross as pushing things.

I know at this moment in time I couldn't adopt that stance so I stay away.

 

What I have learned over the last few years is that there are very few guarantees in life - especially where relationships are concerned and the best way forward is to just love and relax!

 

Good luck Mizz - Hope things develop for you!!

 

SB

[Mizz]

I always knew to even maintain anything it takes effort on both ends, but I never thought of it that way! That's so helpful XD

 

So I shall have that mindset and just be relaxed. I can't think too far ahead and just see what happens

 

Thank you!

[Ms Darcy]

I think your instincts are right to be cautious. You don't want to be friends ... don't be friends. I would suggest not casually texting "all day" as you say. Limit contact with him to make it more fun and meaningful. Don't chase him for contact or communication. I think this is the best you can do here.

[Mizz]

I think that's also a good idea instead of talking all day just limited. Though I've been busier and so has he as well so I wouldn't think limited contact is such a bad thing anyway XD.

 

I sent a text to him earlier and he never received it (my phone shows when people get messages) so it either never delivered or his phone is off. But as far as I know he's still with his cousins til the weekend. So that didn't bother me if he doesn't get the message for whatever reason.

 

I figure it's been sent and sending something else is redundant, even if the first time it never delivered (sometimes my phone literally never sends things) cause then potentially two messages could go through at that point if I'd send another, and it's just not anything to get crazy/worry over. I figure at some point we'd talk again anyway. So it's no biggy

 

I've just been more laid back about everything. I realized it doesn't matter what happens. Not to say you can't try to work on things, but then also being crazy about stuff never works out either. Usually if stuff is meant to work out or "be" then it seems to kinda fall into place or happen naturally.

[Mizz]

So I've kept things light and up beat with my ex since I last saw him last week. He's been away with his cousins and will be til the weekend.

 

But since we talked for the last couple days (not constant though, just every so often joking or general stuff) I'd suppose it's normal to now feel kind of odd that we haven't talked today? XD

 

It's almost like I am curious when we will talk again.

 

I feel fine but then at the same time like I am not. And not depressed or anything, just I suppose a tad anxious. I'll feel like what I say sometimes to him might be awkward, but then I think I'm just overanalyzing. It’s still all so confusing (all of this) and I just need to like... relax.

[Streetbob]

So I've kept things light and up beat with my ex since I last saw him last week. He's been away with his cousins and will be til the weekend.

 

But since we talked for the last couple days (not constant though, just every so often joking or general stuff) I'd suppose it's normal to now feel kind of odd that we haven't talked today? XD

 

It's almost like I am curious when we will talk again.

 

I feel fine but then at the same time like I am not. And not depressed or anything, just I suppose a tad anxious. I'll feel like what I say sometimes to him might be awkward, but then I think I'm just overanalyzing. It’s still all so confusing (all of this) and I just need to like... relax.

 

Yes, the imagination is a powerful weapon to equip yourself with or use against yourself.

In the early days of NC, because I didn't know what the ex was doing day to day, my imagination would fill in the blanks - always negatively, and it would create panic and depression. As time went by I stopped doing that and now use the imagination to only visualise positives.

 

It's a fantastic tool to use for healing.

 

Btw: I too over analysed everything. If you can, just learn to let go.

 

Good luck!

 

SB

[Mizz]

Too much overanalyzing and use of the imagination can seem to make yourself turn into your own worst enemy.

 

Sunday he contacted me first and we talked a bit.

 

And I think what's particularly felt so odd was just how I had been talking to him the last couple days, Wednesday + Thursday (it was equal effort to communicate though it wasn't constant communication) then Friday I didn't hear anything and now it's Saturday I've heard nothing from him either. But then I haven't tried contacting him either since. I think he comes home from his trip today though.

 

He mentioned one of the days that we talked how when he gets back we could go to the gym together sometime/hang out. So I'll just see what happens.

 

I am just trying to let things "be" for now. I figure that's best though it's oddly kind of hard not to do anything. I won't ignore him if he talks to me but then I won't look for his attention.

[Mizz]

So after some utter confusion and his mixed signals lately... I had to just flat out say how I felt. I told him how hard this has all been and stressful and confusing and he was all “I know. It’s been hard for me knowing I hurt you. But I just don’t know what I want.”

 

Then I seriously at one point flat out told him “but I still... love you...”

 

and he was just like “I know you do. I know you do”

 

And after saying how I understand if he needs time to figure things out, people handle things differently, I said I kind of understood but then also couldn’t understand how leaving me made anything better for him and he just said “I am not ready for a relationship”

 

then I said how it still would never make sense to me because we were in one for 2 yrs. I told him how I didn’t want to be friend zoned and how I don’t want to stick around and watch him potentially fall in love with someone else.

 

He said something like “well who said that? Who said I was going to talk to anyone else like that?”

 

I said “I wasn’t saying that’d happen, I’m just telling you breaking up has been hard enough, I don’t want to be dragged along and watch you fall in love with someone else cause you’ve never told me if you see us even being together in the future so I wouldn’t know. I’m just saying I DON’T want to see that happen”

 

and he said “well I have self respect. I am not the hooking up kinda guy. I just don’t know what I want right now. I just really don’t know.”

 

I said “But I never knew what kind of a break up this was. Cause you never told me where you see this going. Some people break up and that’s it, it’s over and it’s like ‘ok, we’re done, let’s see other people’ and then other break ups can be like ‘ok, I need some space, I won’t see other people in our time apart, we can maybe work on getting back together in the future after I figure things out’ and everything has been so confusing for me. I never knew if this was the kind of break up where you just need space or the kind of break up where we see other people and move on.”

 

he was just all like “either way I’d still like to keep in touch. but like I said I really don’t know what I want”

 

So I said “well, if I had a choice I knew that I would potentially want to try again with you. I know you don’t know what you want but that’s so unfair. for me to wait and be so patient when maybe you wouldn’t even want to be with me again”

 

he was like “I’m sorry. I can’t read the future I don’t know what will happen or what I want”

 

and I said “I don’t want to be the back up or your second choice. cause there’s guys who would want me as their FIRST choice.”

 

and he was like “I don’t believe in second choices and I have to help with dinner I’ll brb”

 

and I just told him to text me cause I was going to sign offline.

 

So then he texts me saying “I’m done

LOL, with a smiley face, as if everything’s just fine and dandy.

 

and I said “hey. So I’m even more confused than ever”

 

and he said “why what happened now?”

 

and I just said “I’m not upset or anything. I just want to clear some things up here. I don’t know what you mean by ‘i don’t know what I want’ but i’ve never done anything to you or thought ‘I want to be with someone else’ even after we broke up. I would’ve waited for as long as you needed to figure things out. But in your mind if you are thinking ‘I don’t know what I want. oh, she is still around though, but yeah, idk. if someone better comes along that I like I’ll go with that girl then instead. but if not or if I can’t find anyone else, since I don’t know what I want.. she is still there either way’ .... Like no, I won’t be then. Like I don’t know if you’d be thinking that way but I don’t deserve that kind of a thing if I’d be willing/loyal to wait for you to figure things out if we could be together again at some point. I can’t see the future either, but I’d still know if I’d potentially wanna try again with you. But if you’re going to push me to the side and tell me you don’t know if you want to date me again or other people even after you figure whatever it is you need to... then I can’t do that.“

 

and then he sends “but that’s the thing, I don’t know if I would want to date you again in the future. you’re a sweet girl but in the future I won’t know what I will want. I’m sorry but I don’t know.“

 

So inconsiderate, he doesn’t see me worth keeping, clearly... if he’s even THINKING he might want to date other girls... so screw him.

 

And so I send him, the last thing I sent, was “Lol, omg, and you just continue to crush me even more when I didn’t even think that was possible. and I’ve been willing to be so patient and understanding... and you’re telling me you’re considering dating other girls when I would have waited for you... like seriously. Wow. what a waste of my time. and after 2 yrs. wow...”

 

and he sent me “I just said I don’t know. I can’t predict the future”

 

I never replied to that, and I won’t... Because OMG HE’S REALLY SUCH AN AS$HOLE. Seriously I don’t know why I even have been willing to wait as long as I did. The end of this month it’ll be 4 months since we broke up. But you know, 2 yrs with him I didn’t wanna just give up. And I had NO idea til now if he even saw a future with us being together again, cause he never told me if that was a possibility after he’d figure things out. Cause he still wanted to keep in touch, so I had NO idea what the point was. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up though, but things had seemed positive so I did. And I would have been willing to give it another shot... But If he’s seriously flat out telling me he “doesn’t know” and how he basically is even considering dating other people and potentially not even dating me again in the future after he figures things out... that just really proves I need to move on. He’s not worth waiting for if he thinks I am not worth keeping.

 

I can’t wait to meet more guys who do think I am cute/funny and who WANT to be around me and WITH me. It’s so unfortunate, but I have been the only one to make myself this frustrated because I was the one who allowed myself to still talk to him and be around him like that. It’s been my own fault... cause here’s me trying to chase after him, when he is clearly an inconsiderate douche who just doesn’t want to be with me. And it’s kinda sad cause at one time he was SO into me, but I have to realize it’s gone/over and he’s not worth it! I just have to move on. It gets to a point where, there’s only so much you can do. And there’s only so long things can drag out before I then look pathetic because I’d still be chasing after a douchey guy after being continuously and clearly rejected over and over. I can’t do that to myself anymore. He’s not worth it at all.

 

So, I am kinda glad I did just flat out say how I felt cause if I did just go along with things and kept my mouth shut and still saw him and kept talking to him, I believe this is what would have happened... Him going to college and being single, seeing what was out there and then if there was nothing, him coming back to me saying “I’m ready for a relationship now!”...

 

I figure that... Why? Cause really, when someone is all “I’m overwhelmed” and needs space/time to figure it out, like sure sometimes people need that, and that’s fine! And they can maybe get back together after the person figures out what they need to. BUT when they are all “I’m overwhelmed” and tell you that they don’t know if they want to date you again even after they figure their s.hit out, it’s pretty apparent that dating other people is probably going through their mind.

 

In the relationship I felt like he didn’t always appreciate me. And of course even now he just takes for granted the fact that I am even there at all. Jeez, he can’t even appreciate me enough to see me DEFINITELY worth dating again even when he figures whatever he needs to out. He was just all “I can’t predict the future, that’s the thing, I don’t know if I’d date you again” which means he’d consider dating other people rather than for sure trying to make things work with a girl who has been so patient, sweet, caring, loved him so much, and would’ve done anything for him.

 

Screw that. I don’t need/deserve that.

[tjcalif]

When he said he can't predict the future you should have I can and my future is not with you! What a jerk see at least you asked. Would if you played it cool and a year went by and he said this. Believe me he will be back and regret this. Unfortunaly you will have moved on and not give him the time of day! Good luck

[Mizz]

I felt like I had to ask, it's been so confusing and really that was all I had ever wanted to know, was if he ever saw it going anywhere even after he figures out the issues he's having.

 

Even if deep down I had a gut feeling he'd be a douche about it. He was/is a jerk.

That's the thing, I wouldn't have wanted to just play it cool and it go on for a year and despite him knowing how I feel and me NOT wanting to be friends, him just saying "Oh, but Jackie, we are just friends. I'm just not ready for a relationship" which is really just total BS, we were in one for 2 yrs. I mean I understand if he's stressed about college or whatever, but to dump your gf, then tell her "I can't predict the future. that's the thing I don't know if I want to date you again. You're a sweet girl but I don't know what I will want in the future" it's pretty clear that even WHEN he figures everything out he would consider just dating other people instead of trying to definitely work things out with the girl who's been trying to be so understanding.

 

I don't deserve to be a back up or a second choice if he'd chose to try dating other people after he sorts everything.

I return to college in a couple weeks, I will be looking forward to meeting new people this year.

I didn't have a chance to meet many last year because I was focused on working and getting home to see my bf (of course bf at the time).

And it seemed he never even appreciated how hard I worked and everything I was willing to do just to even see him.

He still can't appreciate me now! I'm not "special" enough or good enough to him for him to definitely want to work things out even SOME day.

I just seriously don't need that.

[mhowe]

I have read this entire post -- and I don't see that he is being unclear. He is being very clear.

 

He broke up with you.

You had a conversation to clear the air -- get everything off your chests regarding the relationship.

He again stated: I dont want to be in a relationship.

You say you don't want to be "just friends". That you never were friends -- just gf/bf.

 

And then, you stay in contact --- and act like you haven't broken up.

 

He states he doesn't want a relationship. And you can't hear that -- because you "were in one for 2 yrs.". He not saying you weren't -- he's saying he doesn't want to do it anymore. And is willing to be friends...which you don't want.

 

Solution ---don't be friends. Move on.

[Mizz]

He kept saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" which to me sure it means he wouldn't want one, of course, but after 2 yrs together it seemed kinda awkward for him to say/word it as "not ready for a relationship" if we had already been in one. But of course that obviously would mean he just doesn't want a relationship either way, it was just how he chose to word it. All he was telling me was how overwhelmed he was with college coming and growing up in general, how he wanted to slow his life down but how he still wanted me in his life.

 

We kept in touch every so often, saw each other a few times, nothing sexual or anything like that would happened between us when we'd hang out, he wasn't talking to any other girls since. He still had my stuff around his room that I gave him, still would wear things I got him, would still talk kindly of me to his family/friends (cause they'd tell me). All he kept saying was he needed to be alone and have some time to figure himself out. At one point he finally opened up about everything and we talked about what had been overwhelming and it seemed to help him a bit. Then I told him we aren't friends and I don't want to be. He told me he still loved me. And then he brought our past relationship up. We then had worked some things out from our past relationship and HE then was making effort to contact me way more and talk to me, he was happy around me, making plans to see me. So it was confusing me. I thought maybe his mind was changing. He was being nice to me and making effort and then as soon as he got home from his trip he was seemingly not as interested. So I had to ask how he felt because it was dragging out (which of course is my own fault but regardless...) so I asked how he felt and he told me he just doesn't know if he'd even want to date me again in the future. Which at this point I won't waste anymore time.

 

I understand he doesn't want to be with me. It's pretty apparent, more so now than ever. He either way can't make up his mind. And of course I don't want to be friends, so yes I am moving on.