The randomness that is me...

[lilypadgirl]

I wasn't there for you last night when you had your accident and looked for me. You say it's okay and you truly seem okay with it. But it keeps bothering me. More than it should. I feel useless for you. I feel guilty and frustrated about it. I feel like it's related to all this distance. I wasn't there because I had no expectation that we would chat or have any form of contact. When we do talk, it feel so ... strange. A touch of formality/guardedness behind a semblance of casualness/closeness. At least for me. You seem more distracted with all the busy in your life. You don't seem to be curious about me or my life. And worse, you don't seem too concerned about our lack of contact.

 

I have raised the concern. I have tried my best and there is nothing more I can do within the bounds of feeling safe. The rest is c'est la vie. I'm worried that what remains is more lack of bonding and more distance as our lives become busier and more divergent despite promises to change and promises to bond. I have to prepare myself for that.

 

"

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper. " T.S. Eliot

[lilypadgirl]

Goodbye. Thank you for giving me a reason to hate you. I will hate you for a while and then I will forget you. You were never there for me when I truly needed you. You never stepped up for me. You never truly loved me. I refused to believe it but it's so clear to me now. Goodbye.

[lilypadgirl]

I hate you so much. I hate you with all the love I had for you. I hate that I was never a priority to you. I hate that you can't commit to me. I hate that you never publicly acknowledged me when you knew how much it mattered to me. I hate you for treating me so carelessly. That you can't even consistently call or chat with me or that you are curious about my life and my interests, especially when you knew how insecure and distant I was feeling. I hate that when it comes down to it you'd choose to lose me than to make a big gesture for me. I hate that you are completely okay about this. All I ever wanted was for you to prove that you can commit to me and you can treat me with tenderness and affection. That's not too much to ask for and you didn't even want to do that. I hate you for putting us in a situation we can never recover from. Even if I wanted to, I could never trust you again after this.

 

I hate myself for giving you so many chances. You abandoned me before, why does it shock me that you would do it to me again? I really thought you truly loved me. I really thought that you would truly step up for me. What a fool I was. Years I was the fool, trying to find excuses when you deceived me, when you again and again refused to commit to me. Forgiving you over and over again and accepting your apologies over and over again. Years I wanted to believe the best in you, wanted to believe that I really mattered to you. But in the end, you dropped me again and again. You let me down again and again when I needed you the most. In the end, you still can't be there for me.

 

I hate myself for loving you so much. I hate myself for hoping so much. I hate myself for caring so much. I hate myself for trying so hard and wishing so much. More than anything, I hate that I can't fully ever truly hate you.

[lilypadgirl]

I deserve a guy who will be there for me. Who will not abandon me and fight for me no matter what issues we go through or how upset we get at each other. Who is not ambiguous about me, who will be proud that I am his gf and eager for others to know and if everything works who wants to eventually make me his wife and start a family with me.

 

I deserve someone who is curious about my day and wants to share his with me. Who misses me and proactively tries to communicate and bond with me on a regular basis. That's the very basics of a relationship. How can you say you tried and wished it would work when you don't even want me as your gf and can't consistently communicate and share with me? How can you blame me for being hurt and angry? All I wanted was for you to say I want you to be my gf and I'm committed to making us work. Did you really not know that even though I told you so many times. Did you really think we could have made it work by being in limbo rather than making a commitment and full in effort? I deserve better than how you treated me and I kept hoping you would step up. Instead you abandoned me again. Is that love to you? Yet you would commit to a new girl and be in a committed relationship with her but not to me who you claim to love. Is that fair to me? Can you really expect me to welcome you with open arms without security or status? I would be disrespecting myself.

 

So think what you will about me but know that my actions and emotions alone did not create our sad situation. I just wanted to be treated with care and affection. That is not unreasonable.

 

I'm so tired of hoping you will value me. I hope you find the type of love/girl you are looking for as I hope to find the love/guy I'm looking for. We both deserve to be happy.

[lilypadgirl]

I really wish you loved me enough. I really wish you were willing to try and commit to me. But I guess I knew deep down that you won't.

I am in a lot of pain but time and distance will heal all wounds. Tomorrow is another day. As long as I keep one foot in front of the other.

[lilypadgirl]

The sad thing is you didn't give us a chance and now we'll never know what we could have been. I suppose that is life. If it was meant to be it would have been and nothing could have broken us up and if it wasn't meant to be then all the effort is in vain. I had so many ideas for us if only I felt secure and you committed to us but I guess we just aren't meant to be. Have to keep looking forward. Life is full of new adventures. I will be happy again. I will find someone who wants to be with me and we will laugh together, travel together, create routines together, love together, build a home and family together. In the meantime I just have to stop thinking of him being with someone else and working on himself to be a better guy for someone else. I have to heal myself and move on. Just keep looking forward.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for my past and all the happy memories. I am also grateful for the future and that each new day brings new opportunities and new adventures. Most importantly, I am grateful for the present and the ability to feel everything.

[lilypadgirl]

Anger. I have truly loved you. I truly tried. I truly committed. I truly wanted it to work. Negative feedback loop. I made mistakes, but my conscience is clear because everything I did was out of love and wanting to protect us. No, for me there was no negative feedback loop, only an impossible situation, a sabotage created because you didn't truly want us, didn't truly want me. But I understand, you are scared of long distance. You are scared of commitment to me. And you are scared of losing face in front of your friends who probably think I'm a b***h. It's unfair, but that's what it is. I would have moved for you if I felt secure and cherished. If I believed that I was the only girl you needed and wanted. If I believed that you would have fought for us through anything and committed to me. But I'm glad I didn't because you don't. I am willing to move for someone but only if I know he is the type of guy what would follow me anywhere.

 

Sadness. I don't blame you, not deep down at least. I am just angry and hurt right now. But I understand. I've understood for a long time now but I refused to listen to myself, wanting to believe that we still had a chance, that you could love me enough and commit to me, and step up for me. But it's all for the best. You deserve to find your happiness and I deserve to find mine. I'm just sad that it's not with each other. I had so many ideas, hopes, and plans for us. I wanted us to do the walkathon together and if that was good, for us to make a thing out of doing the walkathon in very city they offer. I wanted us to share silliness, laughter, frustration, and thoughtful discussions. To send pokes and loves throughout the day to keep our spirits high. I wanted us to find a common tv show we can watch together over skype. I even started to think of philanthropic ideas or biking. But that's okay. I can still do them on my own and when the time is right, with someone new who will give us the chance to experience all that love has to offer.

 

Relief. Nothing is worse than being in limbo. Nothing is worse than trying to convince yourself something that deep in your heart you know is will never happen. Nothing is worse than fighting with oneself, knowing that I need more, but wanting to be patient and understanding to help you feel safe and to give you time to figure things out. When deep down I know you don't truly want to be with me and can't commit to me. It's a torturous feeling, wanting to love someone but scared that they don't love you the same back. Having so much love to give but can't fully expressing or giving it. Wanting to be valued and appreciated, but not being committed to or acknowledged. You think I like all the drama and emotions. I actually really like to be happy and peaceful. Show me some other girl who would have forgiven all the pain and agreed to be patiently in limbo for over a year. It's just not fair to me. I have handled this situation more fairly and rationally and compassionately than any other girl would have been. All I wanted was for us to bond and certainty in knowing where I stand with you. So though this causes be great sadness and anger and hurt, there is also a sense of relief that I am no longer in limbo. I can start to truly heal and don't have to live in uncertainty and distress anymore. So for that I truly thank you for making a decision. It's not the decision that I had hoped or wished, but at least it's a decision.

 

Release. A visualization exercise I read about somewhere. My love is a like a million little butterflies I have tried hard to hold onto and tried to lock in my heart. Because I love you, I release you from my heart. Because I love myself, I release you from my heart. I let you go with all my love and hope that they will carry you away on their wings and guide you to your happiness. My heart will be free to love again. And you will be free to find your happiness.

 

Acceptance. I will get there. I'm already on my way there. I have anger and sadness, but no hate. I am glad for that. I know whatever happens, every day the sun will rise, my parents and friends will be there, and there are new adventures waiting for me. As long as life goes on, hope goes on.

 

My personal mantra:

"Today and every day I choose to be happy and I choose to fill my life with those who value me in theirs."

It really is that simple.

[lilypadgirl]

I don't know why my heart still hurts so much since I knew he would choose the way he chose. I thought I was emotionally prepared for it. I guess there's always that part of me that hopes he would be someone who steps up. Sigh, stupid, silly, wishful me. I wish my heart comes with a switch and I can just turn it off instead of feeling this way.

 

Have to take it one step at a time. I think I should start a smile/gratitude log.

 

Today I am grateful that the seminar speaker emailed me to mention how my paper seems "groundbreaking" and today watching a ballet made me smile.

[lilypadgirl]

Relevant article: link removed

 

I've been feeling so guilty for being so insecure and blaming myself for pushing him away when I know I'm not normally that insecure. I became someone I barely recognized, reaching the end of my anxious nerves. I suspected being in limbo and him not committing to me and being ambiguous about me was creating that insecurity in me. Now I know that to be true. There was a vicious cycle, but it wasn't my fault alone. I knew that being in limbo made things worse rather than resolved our issues. It was destined to fail from the beginning because he couldn't commit. No matter how hard I tried, it was destined to fail because of the ambivalent nature we were in. This decision should have been made a long time ago and we both would have saved each other so much pain and frustration. I wouldn't have gotten so insecure and he wouldn't have thought I was so needy/emotional. Lesson learned for the future, limbo creates unhealthy relationships. I promise myself that I will never allow myself to be put into limbo again no matter how much I may love someone and how much it pains me to lose him because I will lose him in the end anyway.

[lilypadgirl]

I am very grateful for the clarity that I now have.

 

I found an article last night. With it came a hesitant flame of understanding. After some more web searches and web readings and mulling it over during sleep, I suddenly woke up to find a crisp, clear understanding. It was like while I was sleeping my brain continued to work and that one flame had spread and lit up all my thoughts and all the pieces came together, and my confusion lifted, leaving one consistent and likely truth. Suddenly, everything makes sense to me and I saw how our assumptions, judgements, fears, misunderstandings, and mistakes by both of us from the very beginning lead us to this one point. I didn't expect this to come so soon but I suppose I have been confused and struggling trying to make sense of it all for a long time.

 

I admit that I felt like the victim. I tried hard to understand from your perspective, but I admit that I had so much resentment. I felt like you were purposely and selfishly stringing me along and leaving me in limbo. I felt like you were sabotaging us, never truly intending to be with me. I was so confused how you can claim to love me yet not want to put in effort or commit to us. Now, while I don't deny that you shouldn't have left me in limbo for so long or tried harder to communicate your thoughts openly just as I should have asked for a decision sooner and tried harder to communicate more calmly, I realize that you are just as much a victim to all this as I was. Under your semblance of rationality and control, you were just as confused and emotional and attached and vulnerable as I was, and was as affected by all the dynamics born out of our assumptions, judgements, fears, misunderstandings, and mistakes as I was.

 

I can't say that I don't have any anger or hurt left, but I do feel the resentment melting and understanding filling its place. This moment of clarity will greatly help me truly be able to move on, grow, and ultimately truly forgive you and truly forgive myself. Perhaps this epiphany came to you long ago or perhaps you're still mulling things over or perhaps you've already discounted all that transpired between us or more likely you're so swamped by work stress that you haven't even a minute to give to all this mess and confusion. I can only hope that one day, if you haven't already, you will truly be able to work through this and your anger and judgements will dissipate and you will truly be able to forgive me for the hurt that I caused and the role that I played in our dynamics.

 

For the first time in a long, long time, my gut and my heart and my head are in agreement and at peace with each other. There's still a deep regret for the pain we caused each other and a great sadness that we both got to this place instead of a happier, united one. But there is comfort, peace, and relief in clarity. I know my emotions will still fluctuate and I might lose and regain this understanding several times over the next few days/weeks and that it will still take time and conscious effort to turn this realization into true growth, but ultimately this kind of clarity is undeniable. For that, I am truly, truly grateful.

 

I thought about emailing and sharing this with you, but really what would that accomplish? You need to focus on your work and this will just come off as patronizing and insincere and this clarity is still very fragile to me too. The best we can do for each other is to give each other peace and space to heal.

 

It is like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

[lilypadgirl]

Day 2

 

Today has been relatively peaceful though evenings are generally harder. It seems that you are recovering well. I'm glad and I hope you're getting lots of work done. I'm glad that I am no longer in limbo and I don't feel so anxious and insecure anymore. But I miss you and it is hard not to want to contact you. A wistful part of me still exists that wished you wanted and chosen to commit and wants to be happy together. But I'm fully aware we were in an unhealthy spiral with no way to move forward through all that ambivalence. This is for the best. I still have some ways to go before being fully healed, but I am on my way.

 

I am grateful that the weight of confusion has been lifted and I'm no longer bogged down by all those doubts and questions. I'm happy that I got to eat homemade dumplings today.

[lilypadgirl]

Sigh. I was weak and broke no contact. But I wanted to make sure you were okay. It seems that I still can't resist wanting to make your hurt go away. Sigh, why is it so hard? Why is love so painful? Why couldn't we get out of that cycle? We got into this cycle back last December and the roots of it all were your lack of commitment and my insecurity. The more you refused to commit/express your affections, the more insecure/emotional I got. The more insecure I got, the more you refused to commit. All I needed was for you to accept me, commit to me, and fight for us. To show me that you wanted us very much and to work with me to resolve our issues. But if you're ambivalent about us, then there's no hope because it's always going to be a push/pull. So the best I can do is to stop pushing so you can stop pulling and we can both be at peace. Relationships should be mutual and love should bring commitment. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have been pushing and pulling towards each other rather than against each other? Sigh. C'est la vie. One step at a time. I have to trust that this is for the best.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful that I have a job that let's me travel every so often and not be trapped in an office all the time. I am happy I found a cute little cafe near my hotel.

[lilypadgirl]

Sigh, tonight's a difficult one. Gotta focus on reality/present and ignore all the rest. Remember your clarity, remember your epiphany. Focus on your work, your upcoming presentations. Redirect the love and yearning to your parents, your friends, yourself. I am grateful for all the things I do have in my life: my parents, my friends, my health, my job, my opportunities, my intelligence, my kindness, my sincerity, my optimism, my bright-eyed bushy-tailed innocence with a hefty dose of silliness. Remember your mantra.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for all the great comments and suggestions I received today. I'm happy that I was able to catch up with old classmates and friends.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful I live in a time and place where girls are not only allowed but encouraged to get an education and that wanting to go to school won't get me shot at. I am happy that I am who I am. I have strengths to share and weaknesses to overcome but I am always sincere and earnest.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful that I have good friends. I am happy that I got to bake today.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for my wonderful, loving, patient parents. I am happy that I got new Starbucks mugs today.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for this forum, which has been a huge source of support for me over the years and heartbreak. I am happy that I discovered a new secluded, yummy cafe near work today.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for each day because each day brings something new and a chance to grow. I am happy that I received my new camera today just in time for fall foliage. Maybe even for a local corn maize.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful to my adviser for giving me the the committee opportunity. I am happy that I finally finished an annoying, tedious code for work.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for gorgeous fall mornings. I am happy that I get to go out and enjoy gorgeous fall mornings.

[lilypadgirl]

I'm grateful for all the lessons, joys, and pains I've experienced so far. They have helped me become who I am and will help me to become who I want to be. I'm happy that I got to enjoy a lovely wedding today. I thought I would be miserable watching a happy couple after what I have been through. The last wedding I went to was a year and half ago when I bonded with ex. Although I did have my moments of sadness as I remembered how attentive and sweet he was to me back then and contrasted it with how he was with me in the past few months, for the most part I was surprisingly happy. Seeing how much in love and how supportive and how affectionate and intimate and how playful and sweet the couple were with each other just reinforced my vision of love and my desire for it. I feel happy, comforted, and encouraged that such devotion and commitment exists. One day I will find mine. I feel more and more sure of that each day and for that eternal hope and faith I have in love, I am truly grateful and happy.

[lilypadgirl]

I am grateful for the warm and comfortable roof I have over my head, especially during weather like this. I hope all the homeless people in the city has found a place of shelter. I am happy that school is closed tomorrow and I can work from home guilt-free.