I'm not romantic enough but I try in other ways

[philanx]

My gf of 6 months is in her early 30s, smart, attractive and has a professional career.

 

One of the issues that comes up is that Im not romantic and dont tell her I care about her. She also goes away for week long trips and when she comes back, I dont show enough enthusiasm at her arrival and this leads to an argument.

 

I try to support her by doing errands and tasks for her to make her job easier. I also have a full time job so I pay for at least half of our meals and any related dating expenses. I dont put any of my problems on her or complain about my day. I listen to all of her work and life related worries. I also have missed work a few times to help her out with her deadlines and other things.

 

I feel like I've given a lot and tried to show by my actions that I care but I feel like it's never enought. Im also not an overly emotional person and dont get publicly excited about many things so it's hard for me to alter my personality to show her I am enthused about her on a regular basis.

 

We've talked about all of this but it she seems determined to change me into a gregarious, romantic type of guy that I have never been or even pretended to be.

 

How has anyone else dealt with this type of problem?

[Snny]

Ugh... don't you hate that?

 

Men aren't typically expressive when showing affection. In many common instances you all are task-oriented and want to feel appreciated when you do something (small or large) for her, but she seems to ignore it. It is a common relationship problem that happens in ALL relationships. My guy isn't cuddly-affectionate person either, but he does so much for me that I am really thankful for.

 

Where to go from here:

1. She needs to accept who you ARE. Most guys are not "Hollywood Romantic." You are not a cuddly, emotional person, but you are very task-oriented. You do care about her and show support in other ways (maybe not in the ways she sees it). Apparently you are enthusiastic, but not "enough." Be OPEN about it and find out what she expects you to do to change it. See if her expectations are realistic and are things you can achieve to make the relationship better.

 

2. What are her expectations of being "romantic?" Come up with something you both can compromise like one date night/intimacy night a week. It can be something simple like a Netflix movie night on the couch/dinner for two at home with candles/walk in the park. It does not always have to be going out and blowing off money. In fact take more initiation when making dating plans. This helps you balance your relationship's emotional needs so she can't come back and say you aren't being more affectionate.

 

3. Do yourself a favor by letting her know that you haven't felt appreciated lately when you helped her with errands. Hence why you don't put in an effort to be "romantic." It's a two way street here... if one person doesn't feel loved or appreciated, they are going to put in less effort.

 

 

A key to a relationship is communication. It starts when people are listening and coming up with ways together to achieve certain goals.

[annie24]

i see two options here:

 

1 - start doing little romantic things, like a "missing you" text while she is off on a work trip, having flowers for her waiting upon her return, surprise her with little cards or gifts, when you do her errands. let's say you pick up her dry cleaning, you can tuck a note in there like "i love you."

 

2 - do nothing and break up, if she can't accept that you are who you are.

 

i've heard an awful lot about this book "love languages" but never read it myself. it sounds like you two express your love differently. personally, i think it's a very loving thing to do - to do errands for her, going out of your way, paying for meals. i guess to her these things aren't "romantic" in the flowers and chocolates and poems sort of way.

 

does she do romantic things for you?

[EgoJoe]

She is deflecting on to you. There may be an underlying reason why and it may not be so wholesome.

 

I would break up with her.

[Ms Darcy]

This is very common in relationships. You should read "the five love languages." If you really need physical affection and yet she never hugged you, you would be unhappy right? Why? Because even though she might be telling you she loves you, she's not loving you in the way you need.

 

Compromise is important here.

[Ayanokōji]

If you are willing to spend time and effort on "tasks" that make her life easier, I don't see why you couldn't include "romantic" preparations into that.

 

Thinking about it logically, romantic gestures are EASY and a lot of the time its just sweet words or sentiments that are worth air... A girl who values "romantic" gestures as much as the hard/tedious everyday chores and sacrifices is basically a huge advantage in that you technically are doing way less and getting equal or greater result.