My girlfriend doesn't communicate with me, how else can I tell her?

[Jeff91]

Here's the situation; Over this summer ~1.5 months my girlfriend has been in Washington (the state not D.C. ) and we've not been able to talk much. About a week before she left we were very close, saying "I love you", texting during the day, many things that showed she truly liked my company as well as interacting with me. When she left, she went nearly 24 hours without any contact with me. But I mentioned this to her and she started texting daily with pictures of her work she was doing (gardening for her aunt) and she even called from time to time. Over time though, leading to about a week ago, our conversations steadily declined to the point now where it's not very likely to get more than a "hey what's up?" followed by maybe two or three texts.

About a week ago I brought it to her attention and called her. She answered and in the following conversation I expressed my desire for more communication between us. She agreed and said she would call when she could. I accepted this but her actions continued unchanged.

Last night I finally got a pleasant conversation going with her. To explain the problem more thoroughly here is the log of the conversation.

 

09:12pm her: Hey hey

09:12pm ME: Hiya! Como estas?

09:14pm her: Alright. And you?

09:18pm ME: Plenty of dopamine on my end. What have you accomplished today?

09:20pm her: Worked out for four hours...hiked ten miles.

09:20pm ME: Sounds like a good day to me. I didn't get much done.

09:27pm her: Good times still.

09:28pm ME: I'm glad for you. : 3 How goes work?

09:32pm her: Not much at all

09:33pm ME: Ah well at least you have your recreations.

09:34pm her: True that. I'm tired now...

09:35pm ME: I bet. Should I wish you sweet dreams then?

09:36pm her: It's too early...

09:36pm ME: Heh I suppose.

09:40pm ME: Want to play a game?

09:43pm her: What game?

09:49pm ME: A game of intellect. I assume you've had experience with word scrambling before? It's where an operator chooses a word then jumbles the letters around for the users to guess at. An example is this: Category: Animals Scrambled word: rfifeag

09:50pm her: giraffe

09:52pm ME: Very good! Although that wasn't really a challenge for you I'm sure. ; ) Would you like to play more?

09:53pm her: Maybe...except i don't ty makes misspelling things very time consuming...

09:56pm ME: That's fine. It's a silly game anyway. Any other entertaining thing you might have in mind to prolong this interaction?

09:57pm her: I like it just not with texting lol

09:59pm ME: Well since the game would be easy for me to facilitate, would you find it enjoyable to provide me with a properly spelled category and I will in turn provide you with a word to de-scramble?

10:00pm her: Okay

10:02pm Me: Wilst thou givest me a category to choose from?

 

At this time she stopped texting all together, which happens very often at any time of the day. Many of our conversations end like this which causes me to develop a theory that she has very little respect for me and that communication isn't important to her. I've learned to control my feelings because she always has a convenient excuse to explain the lack of response. I want to talk with her more often and have more meaningful conversations. I love her but I feel myself drifting from her through the summer. This morning, she decided to finally reply to last night's conversation. Here is the log:

 

1:59pm her: Vegetables. : )

2:00pm ME: Hmm. is that a category for our game last night or just a random text?

2:00pm her: Category.

2:00pm ME: A bit late. I'm doing other things now.

2:02pm her: Okay. Bye bye.

2:03pm her: Have fun video gaming with friends?

2:03pm ME: That's not what I'm doing.

2:04pm her: ...it wasn't a terrible guess.

2:04pm ME: True, I do that very often after all.

2:05pm her: : ) i miss you jeff.

2:05pm ME: Likewise silly girl. : ) I just wish there was more interaction between us sometimes. Well, a lot of the time actually.

2:07pm her: : )

 

So from her over-all detachment from the conversation shown by her limited one-word responses, disregard for my feelings about her 16 hour response time with no apology for not providing a reason for the sudden cut from conversation, and her uncaring response to my expression of more interaction with a rude ": )" symbol I can only conclude her feelings toward me are either false, she is truly busy, or her attention is called upon by another guy. I'm looking for some third-party analyzation of this situation so any advice would be appreciated. I need a way to explain to her that I want to talk more without challenging her in a rude way. Personally I've contemplated asking her what her problem is with me but I doubt that would be taken very well. I've posted here before with a similar problem and I received some great point of views so I'm looking forward to what you all have to offer! Thanks much!

[FYI]

It's 10 at night and she just finished a ten mile hike. Whereas (as you admitted) you on the otherhand "didn't get much done today". So pardon her for not wanting to play Scramble with you through text message when you've been chilling out all day and she's been working. I think that you're not showing your girlfriend any consideration. You're only thinking about yourself. And personally, I found the request for Scramble through text to be somewhat strange and kind of corny and that may be what is putting her off about you. The fact that your mind is only geared into how this situation works for you. If she's away for work or visiting family, understand that she's away for a reason and that her time may be limited and that you will have to take what you can get. She may not have all day to talk to you, but as long as she's making an effort to communicate with you (which she's done, by texting you sometimes throughout the day or an occasional ring) that's really all you can ask.

 

I'm going to tell you what, if you continue to be so inconsiderate to your girlfriend you're going to ruin this relationship. I don't think that's what you want, so you may want to reconsider some things, especially how you process her time and what's important to her. She is just as important as you are and you cannot be so narrow-minded about the relationship. Other than that, sounds like everything else is well. But you need to stop doing that before you lose her...

[RedDress]

So... I'm not sure you are going to like my response, but I will give it anyways. I think you are being a little bit clingy.

 

For her to "disappear" for 24 hours when she left for summer vacation... well... that's not really that bad. 24 hours! To come back with "you need to talk to me more" is a bit much... but... that's cool, she went along with it.

 

Then, you are really pushing the interaction thing... but from where I sit? It kind of looks labored and like a chore. Even from your own end! She gave you a good segway talking about how she hiked 10 miles. That's an interesting thing you could have talked about! Where did she hike? Who did she hike with? How long would she like to be able to hike? Was it on a treadmill? Was it outside? What does she do when she does that? Did she see any cool animals? Did she watch a movie while on the treadmill? TONS of stuff you could have talked about if you really wanted to... but instead, you kind of brushed it off and eventually followed it with "That's fine. It's a silly game anyway. Any other entertaining thing you might have in mind to prolong this interaction? ". Shouldn't interaction be prolonged because you are having fun and not because you have to?

 

I dunno. I see what you are saying about the short responses... but it seems like your relationship isn't really translating well into text. Can you call her instead? When is she back? Sometimes less is more.

[SuperDuper]

Ok, wow.... I had a really difficult time reading that post because of how awkward the text conversation was.

 

I also found it kind of corny to ask her to play a word scrambling game... and the way you were talking to her felt so artificial in my opinion

 

Any other entertaining thing you might have in mind to prolong this interaction?

Sounds very structured, not to mention needy.

 

 

...the game would be easy for me to facilitate, would you find it enjoyable to provide me with a properly spelled category ...

Sounds like something a video game would say.

 

I think you really need to back off and try to find some independence. She's probably trying to enjoy her time without the pressure of a needy boyfriend back home asking for more communication, etc. Live your life and enjoy your summer, if this girl genuinely likes you then I'm sure she'll pop up eventually. Give her a little space and she'll likely appreciate it greatly. Good luck

[poetryandlyrics]

I agree with the above.

 

Sometimes people can have a full day and get tired, that's alright. She was busy hiking. You could talk about that for her interest like someone above posted. Or could let her go to rest. I find it weird how she made effort in a very friendly way to continue the game and you tell her that you're busy -- isn't that what you wanted? Or do you want to do that on your own terms -- your own time and such? Like SuperDuper said, back off a little, find some independence. I'm in years relationship with my SO and I find texting a bit tiring sometimes -- not much to say rather than in person. Plus, texting every single day won't bring new information or whatever to stimulate the conversation. Letting each other to go to have their own fun would bring more things to the table to talk about for all the days both people missed talking to each other. I prefer that much more. You could do a simple "I love you." or a "good night." to know that there are still feelings in days that lulls with no conversation, then a day with a conversation based on stimulating days, you know?

 

And yes, reading your text conversations was very awkward. Very structured, artificial, like you're trying too hard to extend the conversation. Let go and be easy about it.

[dala23]

A good idea is to get a meaningful hobby/activity that will fill up some of your time while she's not around, so you won't need to interact with her as much. Don't always initiate interaction and don't always be available any time she wants to interact (be genuinely busy with your own life, don't just ignore her for the sake of ignoring her). This will help you preserve dignity, because, keep in mind, we humans start taking for granted those things that are always available to us. You DO NOT want to be taken for granted. Always respect your heart and mind and keep your self-worth.

 

In general, I would say, a good rule of thumb is that if your partner's desire to interact with you decreases, then they are losing interest/have already lost interest. But I may be wrong here.

[dala23]

And yes, like everyone else has said, the texts sound too artificial, no offense but I would not enjoy interacting like that either.

[Jeff91]

To True Crime: Unfortunately I failed to mention the time difference between her and I. The times I recorded in the logs are those experienced by myself, here in Missouri. There is a two hour difference, she is behind my time-zone. I would describe your advice as a "splash of cold water" response but I must admit, reading your post made me think about my actions.

 

To Red Dress: First of all I'd like to say no worries about anything you shared with me! I'm very open minded and I truly appreciate the input! I especially like the comment you made about how I entirely overlooked talking with her about her hike. That is something that completely blew past me when I was texting her at the time. I dunno if she was trying to start talking about her day but I'm sure if I would have pursued the conversation similarly to the questions you provided I think the conversation would have been much more rewarding for me.

 

To SuperDuper: I regret that my word choice is primarily video-game oriented because that type of literature is what I've been most commonly exposed to during the last decade. I wonder if there is perhaps a way I can work on my grammar to make it more accommodating for friendlier conversation?

 

To ethereal: We did the texting goodnight each night at first and for about a week or so she responded. Then she just stopped saying goodnight when I would text her, then the next day show no care about not replying. My response to her today about how I no longer had time for the game was probably a bad idea but my version of a friendly message apparently differs from yours. A suddenly discontinued conversation followed by a one word text message strikes me instead as though it's a trouble for her to text me. I think this may stem from my language I was using to talk with her before-hand.

 

To dala23: I like the suggestion to get another activity in my life so I will not try to contact her so much. I also think it's my fear of your good rule of thumb that is causing me to pursue this matter so strongly.

 

To all posts before this one: It seems to be a decided fact that I am far too clingy to her and during our summer break apart from one another I need to give her space in order to preserve our relationship, otherwise my desire to hold her closer may do just the opposite. So here is my plan of action; I will cease my efforts to force interaction between her and I, as well as texting her needlessly during the day. Instead I will respond to her when she contacts me and try to think more openly about asking her about things she does choose to share with me, the hike for instance. I will also seek other forms of entertainment to keep my normal life busy.

 

Thank you all for your advice on this matter so far and I am still open to different points of view if anyone else chooses to provide them concerning this matter! It helps so much to write things out here and get some input before I take my craziness to her lol. I thank you for your time taken to not only read my post but to reply to it as well.

[RedDress]

So here is my plan of action; I will cease my efforts to force interaction between her and I, as well as texting her needlessly during the day. Instead I will respond to her when she contacts me and try to think more openly about asking her about things she does choose to share with me, the hike for instance. I will also seek other forms of entertainment to keep my normal life busy.

 

Just to add... I don't think you have to stop texting her needlessly... I just think you have to NOT be upset if she doesn't reply or doesn't reply the way you want her to. I also don't think that you have to wait for her to contact you... you can contact her too... again, just ease up on the pressure. When you start to get upset that she's not responding, leave your phone at home and go for a walk or a bike ride instead. Go read a book.

 

Know what I mean? My two cents.

[amipushy]

Why dont you stop texting and arrange to call her on designated days, say every other day/evening?

 

To be honest I found the whole word game trivial when you could/should have be talking one-to-one about your day, your worries, concerns, and been a source of support for each other seeing as you are apart.