Realizing what is making me unhappy and how to fix it.

[flaminghair81]

I have done a lot of thinking this week while you've been gone. I realize that I am making myself miserable, and probably you too. I hold a lot of resentment towards you that is not your fault and I need to be able to let it go. It’s easy to say “just let it go”, but you know that it is really hard for me to do that. So, I need some time and some space to be able to let it go. I don’t want to end things by any means. I just need time to process and manage my feelings.

 

I don’t want to disrupt anything with the kids since we only have a few more weeks with them, but I also know that I can’t keep acting like everything is OK. Nothing will change at home, except, I would like to just have space between you and me for now, limiting physical contact. I don’t plan to ignore you or anything like I’ve done before; I have realized that does not fix anything. I still want to interact, have family dinners and talk. We have a good friendship, so that’s what I want to cultivate right now. I know this sounds weird and irrational, but I’ve really thought hard and this is what I need. I need to be able to get over this; otherwise, I will continue to be miserable and continue to damage our relationship to the point of no return.

 

I love you. I know you love me. I love your kids and I know they love me too. I really cannot imagine my life without the three of you. I want to be the wife and mother that you three need and want. I don’t want to let my anger get in the way of anything. Now that I really see what my issue is, I will be able to address it and eventually move on.

 

What I realized is my issue:

 

In the first 6 months of a relationship, its cloud 9, intense feelings, extreme passion, new and exciting! Over time, those intense feelings start to fade and that’s when the relationship really starts to grow and strengthen. Instead of the naturally fading process, ours was jolted to a hard stop. This unexpected stop of those intense feelings has left me very confused and angry. My anger is not at you, but the situation. I feel cheated. We went from fresh and head over heels in love to married 15 years with two kids.

 

Before, every day when one or the other came home from work, we were so excited to see each other. We would meet the other at the door, hold each other tight and kiss. We were constantly touching when we were together. You held my hand, would touch the small of my back while walking, and would put your hand on my leg when we were sitting on the couch to watch TV. There were some days, we could not wait to take each other’s clothes off…we’d barely have the front door shut by the time we were ½ undressed. I fell asleep in your arms almost every night, but then I’d push you off because you made me so hot. You would look at me, undressing me with your eyes, or would look at me with such love in your eyes.

 

The passion and intensiveness of our relationship was taken away from me so abruptly. I’ve not really known how to handle it. I still touch you and try to hold you, but I am pushed off fairly quickly. I kiss you, but my lips are greeted with tight lips for just a peck. I reach out to hold your hand when we’re walking somewhere and it’s not there for me to grab. I am scared to make an advance for sex because getting turned down hurts really bad and makes me feel like I am ugly and unwanted. I dream that I have you wrap your arms around me while I am sleeping, but I wake up to so much space between us.

 

Over a year later, I still don’t know how to handle it. Thinking of how it was before and how it is now makes me angry and sad. I wonder what I’ve done to cause this. To deal with my anger, I lash out at you for no good reason. But it’s not your fault and it’s not fair to you. You did not ask to get sick and have surgery. More than likely, we would have ended up like how we are now if the normal progression was able to take place. Everything would have changed, but it would have been a gradual change that either of us would not have noticed.

 

I need to accept that this is what we are now. I cannot expect for you to wake up one day and be back to the way you were. People change over time, especially when something drastic happens. With a little space and time, I should be able to overcome these feelings and be able to move on with our future.