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[itsallgrand]

It's so weird how quiet the house is. We had so much fun together even doing the most mundane things. At the end of the day, we'd snuggle up together with the cats and watch a show together, though a lot of the time we'd end up as far as queuing up the show and talk and laugh and it'd be time for bed. I loved his company, I loved being with him.

It's just pain, pain, pain, and exhaustion from the pain. It hurts so bad . And still, I feel grateful, I'd do it all over to have what we had, I'd do anything for him. He embraced life full all in. I've struggled to do that at times. He would wrap me up in hugs and kisses and tell me I could do it, and I'm leaning on his words now again. 

 

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

It's so weird how quiet the house is. We had so much fun together even doing the most mundane things. At the end of the day, we'd snuggle up together with the cats and watch a show together, though a lot of the time we'd end up as far as queuing up the show and talk and laugh and it'd be time for bed. I loved his company, I loved being with him.

It's just pain, pain, pain, and exhaustion from the pain. It hurts so bad . And still, I feel grateful, I'd do it all over to have what we had, I'd do anything for him. He embraced life full all in. I've struggled to do that at times. He would wrap me up in hugs and kisses and tell me I could do it, and I'm leaning on his words now again. 

 

I’m so sorry grand, words just don’t cut it in these dark moments. 
 

Every hour at a time. This is not something that is “gotten over”. 
 

Do you have family and friends ds to lean on? 
 

Thinking of you x

[itsallgrand]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I’m so sorry grand, words just don’t cut it in these dark moments. 
 

Every hour at a time. This is not something that is “gotten over”. 
 

Do you have family and friends ds to lean on? 
 

Thinking of you x

Thank you Lo.

Yes, I have a lot of people who are there for me and I'm very lucky that way. There are some too who are waiting to come to physically see me, as I'm overwhelmed and I'm going to really need them as the reality of this sinks in. 

 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Thank you Lo.

Yes, I have a lot of people who are there for me and I'm very lucky that way. There are some too who are waiting to come to physically see me, as I'm overwhelmed and I'm going to really need them as the reality of this sinks in. 

 

I imagine Grand you are in shock.

 

People are there for you and you deserve it and more! Go easy on yourself, I am sure everyone would second me on here to say we are sending virtual support and hugs.

 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Thank you Lo.

Yes, I have a lot of people who are there for me and I'm very lucky that way. There are some too who are waiting to come to physically see me, as I'm overwhelmed and I'm going to really need them as the reality of this sinks in. 

 

The mark of true friends -they want to do whatever works for and supports you.  I'm glad to hear this.  Thinking of you.

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Thank you Lo.

Yes, I have a lot of people who are there for me and I'm very lucky that way. There are some too who are waiting to come to physically see me, as I'm overwhelmed and I'm going to really need them as the reality of this sinks in. 

My aunt lost her husband suddenly a couple months ago. Having people there to support her has really made the difference. She's still struggling, but is okay in part because of all the loved ones she surrounds herself with.

Let them be there for you as much as you need. Know you are loved and supported. To have so many friends reaching out is a gift and will be good for you as you continue to process and grieve. Day by day, moment by moment. You'll make it. And don't lose sight of just how much you are loved.

[itsallgrand]

I can't believe it's October and it's been half a month without you. Everything looks and feels so different without you my love. The world feels emptied out, pared down, almost like a set of a real world. People look naked too. Just what they are putting out there vibrating so clearly. Sometimes I feel sorta angry but it doesn't stick, there's too much love, your love, my love for you, the love of others for you and me. What we had was so so precious. I can't be angry, I never thought I'd ever experience any of that and you gave me years and years of being loved so deeply. You were and are home. A home so solid nothing shook it and won't. I just miss you so much! A part of my heart feels ripped out. I love you I love you I love you. 

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I can't believe it's October and it's been half a month without you. Everything looks and feels so different without you my love. The world feels emptied out, pared down, almost like a set of a real world. People look naked too. Just what they are putting out there vibrating so clearly. Sometimes I feel sorta angry but it doesn't stick, there's too much love, your love, my love for you, the love of others for you and me. What we had was so so precious. I can't be angry, I never thought I'd ever experience any of that and you gave me years and years of being loved so deeply. You were and are home. A home so solid nothing shook it and won't. I just miss you so much! A part of my heart feels ripped out. I love you I love you I love you. 

 

 

I am thinking of  you. I hope writing helps.  Does it help to have the people around you who are close to you? I hope so and also understand if maybe -not so much at times.  Wishing you well. 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I am thinking of  you. I hope writing helps.  Does it help to have the people around you who are close to you? I hope so and also understand if maybe -not so much at times.  Wishing you well. 

It does help but sometimes I do just want/need to be alone. I haven't been alone much. I'm thankful I have people who care and are supportive. Sometimes I feel they are trying to make sure I'm not alone, which I understand and appreciate, but I also want to be able to let things sink in. I do my best crying and thinking alone.  Luckily everyone is being great and for the most part being very respectful and sensitive. Once I'm alone, I take some time and feel lost all over again, but it's still important to me and this will sound silly to some but also the cats. Their world has been turned upside down too and they have had the chaos of people and dogs coming to the house, and sometimes i just want to curl up with them and give them some reassurance. He was very close with them, one little girl cat he adopted in particular there was a super bond there.  She's clingy to me and lost too, mourning in a cat way. It would matter to him they are not a side thought! He was such a caring man.

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

It does help but sometimes I do just want/need to be alone. I haven't been alone much. I'm thankful I have people who care and are supportive. Sometimes I feel they are trying to make sure I'm not alone, which I understand and appreciate, but I also want to be able to let things sink in. I do my best crying and thinking alone.  Luckily everyone is being great and for the most part being very respectful and sensitive. Once I'm alone, I take some time and feel lost all over again, but it's still important to me and this will sound silly to some but also the cats. Their world has been turned upside down too and they have had the chaos of people and dogs coming to the house, and sometimes i just want to curl up with them and give them some reassurance. He was very close with them, one little girl cat he adopted in particular there was a super bond there.  She's clingy to me and lost too, mourning in a cat way. It would matter to him they are not a side thought! He was such a caring man.

Yes, processing time is so very important and the processing will happen over time as you know . It goes up and down and around some days are bad and some are better . Big big hugs . 

[itsallgrand]

31 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, processing time is so very important and the processing will happen over time as you know . It goes up and down and around some days are bad and some are better . Big big hugs . 

This is so true. It is a roller coaster. 

Thank you so much for thinking of me and being there. It's means a lot to me.

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

This is so true. It is a roller coaster. 

Thank you so much for thinking of me and being there. It's means a lot to me.

I am always here if you need me. ❤️

[Batya33]

It’s hard and totally fine to tell people that. And of course I understand about the cats!! It’s not silly. People can have the biggest hearts and best of intentions. And still not know what to do. What to say. When to be quiet. And you are grieving and you don’t need the added work of telling what you need so it’s hard! You also have a big heart so I know you see how genuine their intentions are. I hope you find a way to express it and all my best to you. 

[mylolita]

You may not feel it grand but you are very strong.

 

Thinking of you and sending well wishes

 

x

[Jibralta]

My heart is breaking for you. I cannot imagine. I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

[ShySoul]

On 10/2/2024 at 5:57 AM, itsallgrand said:

Sometimes I feel they are trying to make sure I'm not alone, which I understand and appreciate, but I also want to be able to let things sink in. I do my best crying and thinking alone. 

If it ever gets to be too much, let them know you need time alone. As helpful as having people around can be, sometimes it makes things even more stressful and you need that time for yourself. You need time to grieve on your own, let out a big cry and just be with your thoughts and memories.  

Give the cats some love. Pets can make the best companions in times of grief. They are feeling sorrow themselves right now and will love you and help you through this.

Thinking of you and wishing it gets easier.

[ShySoul]

Just remembered this song and thought of you. If you need to take time for yourself and be alone, it's okay to have a night to remember.

"Cause' it ain't easy being strong
And when I can't forget you're gone
I just surrender..."

 

[itsallgrand]

Thanks so much. 🩷

Shysoul, jeez, that song is hard to get through without tears! I appreciate being thought of. 

I think about him day and night. I don't know how people do this?! They do though. I saw my aunt whose husband, my uncle, passed away last year. I wrote about him and her. That was a tough but also good visit. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it together around her at all. She knows me well, I know her well, out of all the aunts she and I are most close. 

Today I'm going to try to work. At least a bit. 

 

[itsallgrand]

This is hard. There's all these things that need doing, and I don't know if I can. I'm trying to prioritize what is important and what can wait. I check something off, I need a break. Yesterday and today I got things done, tonight I was a wreck. Tomorrow I have to do something important, and I was meant to have a big visit on Friday but we rescheduled it. I'm relieved. I think I'll need that day just to get back on my feet again. I'm thinking the pool and grocery shopping, and that's enough. I've been living on a lot of grab and eat type food and things others have brought me. I can't bear to cook, it's too painful, at some point maybe but not now. Thanksgiving is around the corner and I'm dreading it. I'd cook a big meal, vegan turkey for my love and a real turkey too. We'd have family over for that meal plus go to other homes for meals. I'm not cooking. I've been invited multiple places but I'm so raw,  and there's no pressure, but I don't know if I can do that. I know if I decline I'll have meals at my step, but I don't know if I can do that either. It's going to be rough and there's no escaping that. 

Sleep is here and there. I'm using all the tricks in my book, and there's a lot, but I wake up a lot, and I'm up so early, it is what it is right now. I briefly flirted with the idea of edibles to knock me out, but I tried that in the past and it never did help me with calming down, sometimes it made me feel worse, so no. I'll stick to teas and white noise and doing the best I can. 

Thanks for listening to anyone who reads this. Getting things out in the hopes it helps me sleep. 

 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

This is hard. There's all these things that need doing, and I don't know if I can. I'm trying to prioritize what is important and what can wait. 

When my mom died last year I had to juggle all obligations around her passing(here you have to visit her grave every Saturday until 40 days pass and on exactly 40th day from passing there is a big ceremony around it and even when you visit on Saturday there are people there that you need to handle and bring food and drinks for them) along with doing my job, my freelancer side job and doing political campaigning around neighbourhood and on top of that chasing a better job because there was an opening for the same. What I am trying to say is, yes, it was hard. Still after a year havent done some things around home since I neglected those so I can do something else. But still, what needs to be done, just needs to be done. Say to yourself that you are strong and that you can do it. And that your husband would like you to fight and do those things. 

[Batya33]

Yes what Kwok wrote. Also can you remind yourself it's like having a physical illness or injury that impairs you from getting things done as you slowly heal.  If you had a really bad cold where you lost sleep for days you'd be thrilled if you could enjoy something other than hot mint tea and actually taste it.  It's very good that you feel somewhat motivated to even have a check list whether internal or actual and get this or that done and you know it's time for cutting slack. However long it takes.

You will know at the time of your Canadian thanksgiving what you are up to and you know what I bet your friends would be totally fine with you declining -or accepting -last minute.  

I had a friend who years ago told me when he lost his dad who was probably in his 70s or younger -that it felt like -he'd see people walking to work, on the street in his big city and he - a very smart and successful person -couldn't shake the feeling of -how could these people just be doing their normal routine when his dad had passed away?? He knew this was - of course fine -that they were living their lives but it shook him nevertheless. It's all ok -all the feelings, whatever they are - if it helps to have conversations with your partner in your head or out loud -you do that, if it helps to stare into space instead of grocery shopping -or while grocery shopping (just not into the space with the ice cream -brrrrrrrrrrrr) - then- do that.  

I -cannot imagine -even though I've lost best friends, loved ones,  you name it. I won't try to imagine what someone else is going through and also we can stand beside you -unfortunately virtually - but it's something. I hope!

[Seraphim]

I have found the first holiday is always difficult. Christmas was 3 weeks after my step dad died . My mom still hosted Christmas but she was on auto pilot and barely registering what happened. Like the others said this is very much an injury to the soul and heart and even to the body. You do what is best for you. ❤️

[itsallgrand]

On 10/10/2024 at 5:27 AM, Kwothe28 said:

When my mom died last year I had to juggle all obligations around her passing(here you have to visit her grave every Saturday until 40 days pass and on exactly 40th day from passing there is a big ceremony around it and even when you visit on Saturday there are people there that you need to handle and bring food and drinks for them) along with doing my job, my freelancer side job and doing political campaigning around neighbourhood and on top of that chasing a better job because there was an opening for the same. What I am trying to say is, yes, it was hard. Still after a year havent done some things around home since I neglected those so I can do something else. But still, what needs to be done, just needs to be done. Say to yourself that you are strong and that you can do it. And that your husband would like you to fight and do those things. 

I remember you juggling so much on your plate, I was in awe of how you handled yourself kwothe. I didn't know about your tradition, that's a lot on your shoulders and you are a strong person.

I'm proud of what I got done yesterday. There's been a lot of paperwork and having to go here and there. I am also in the process of selling a property. The offer was made right before the accident. We were going to use this for our adventures next year, a big trip for 10 years together and how hard we've been working. The offer is all set and so I'm dealing with that too. And the business. Trying to keep people happy and things running until I can devote more time on it. 

 

[itsallgrand]

On 10/10/2024 at 5:43 AM, Batya33 said:

Yes what Kwok wrote. Also can you remind yourself it's like having a physical illness or injury that impairs you from getting things done as you slowly heal.  If you had a really bad cold where you lost sleep for days you'd be thrilled if you could enjoy something other than hot mint tea and actually taste it.  It's very good that you feel somewhat motivated to even have a check list whether internal or actual and get this or that done and you know it's time for cutting slack. However long it takes.

You will know at the time of your Canadian thanksgiving what you are up to and you know what I bet your friends would be totally fine with you declining -or accepting -last minute.  

I had a friend who years ago told me when he lost his dad who was probably in his 70s or younger -that it felt like -he'd see people walking to work, on the street in his big city and he - a very smart and successful person -couldn't shake the feeling of -how could these people just be doing their normal routine when his dad had passed away?? He knew this was - of course fine -that they were living their lives but it shook him nevertheless. It's all ok -all the feelings, whatever they are - if it helps to have conversations with your partner in your head or out loud -you do that, if it helps to stare into space instead of grocery shopping -or while grocery shopping (just not into the space with the ice cream -brrrrrrrrrrrr) - then- do that.  

I -cannot imagine -even though I've lost best friends, loved ones,  you name it. I won't try to imagine what someone else is going through and also we can stand beside you -unfortunately virtually - but it's something. I hope!

Thank you for that. It does feel like an injury, I'm working with diminished capacity, some days and some times are more severe than others but I'm not "ok" I am struggling and doing what I can do and trying to manage as best I can. 

Oh god yes I know exactly what your friend means. It is jarring and surreal to see others going about their normal lives. I understand intellectually. But in my heart, the world is shaken and this loss is so profound to me it doesn't not add up. He was my world! It is a corny saying but it's true. Him and I are intertwined, even now, don't think that will ever change. He's the love of my life. 

When my dad passed so unexpectedly when I was a teen, I felt it then but it was totally unfamiliar. I was mad, really mad, and felt so disconnected from other people because of it. This is different but there is a familiarity with the feelings of losing someone who means so much to me, and it doesn't make it easier, but it makes it easier for me to see my feelings for what they are. 

It does help, even virtually, it helps. My FIL reunited with an old friend, his friend reached out saying "you can never have too many friends behind you during a time like this". It's true. It's so engulfing, so devastating, every kind word makes a difference. 

 

[itsallgrand]

On 10/10/2024 at 8:15 AM, Seraphim said:

I have found the first holiday is always difficult. Christmas was 3 weeks after my step dad died . My mom still hosted Christmas but she was on auto pilot and barely registering what happened. Like the others said this is very much an injury to the soul and heart and even to the body. You do what is best for you. ❤️

Thank you, Thanksgiving is a big deal to me, it's almost been one of my favorites. It was cool too because he didn't celebrate these holidays a lot during a lot of his adult years, and he really embraced them when we were together. His pumpkin pie! His big huge yard display for the kids on Halloween. He was the best and it's going to be hard not having him at the table and not coming up behind me to hug me as I cook!