New Journal

[Seraphim]

It sounds like you're doing pretty good these days!

[itsallgrand]

I'm trying!! Thanks Vic.

[Seraphim]

I'm trying!! Thanks Vic.

 

Sometimes I find when we just let go and expand our horizons we end up having a pretty good time.

[itsallgrand]

That is turning up to be true.

 

Today, no expanding horizons, but going to spend some time with friends and doing a few home drop off of foods. Cooking and bringing food to people is one of my favorite things to do, still. Made up a few batches of soup, and have perogies and cabbage rolls for this time. Dessert is apple crisp from apples from last year still. I guess technically it is volunteer work, but this is something I can't see myself ever not doing. I love the little visits, I love the sense of family these people give me. I always walk away treated like gold! And how many places in life can you say that nowadays?!

[Seraphim]

Hey make a stop by my house!!!

[itsallgrand]

Yesterday I felt so supremely lazy. Today I feel better.

 

I am going to meet John today for lunch. And we already have another date booked for Weds lol. Everything has been so good with dating him. Sort of the first little blip came up over the weekend. We were talking about Easter, and our plans. He mentioned church; he's there right now at a service. It opened up the can of worms about religion, and a bit of what we each believe.

I felt that block. It's hard to explain. I think those who are not part of an organized religion, will understand. That block where, you want to be delicate and be respectful of the others belief, but at the same time, it feels like because that belief is there, there are certain things that you yourself, as a non believer, can not openly speak about, without getting blocked out, because it is in direct opposition to certain beliefs that person holds as truths.

I could tell it made him uncomfortable when I told him we could meet after the service, and that is no big deal. He didn't seem to understand - I was raised Catholic, so, it's a very special occasion and what's the big deal?! He even said that he isn't particularly religious, but he does believe, and he does like to go during the big holidays. And he feels a sense of community with the church he has roots with. Understandable.

 

I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is, and at the same time, and I would be lying if I did not say I am a little wee bit disappointed. He is so great. Why can't I just find someone who is on the same page with me on this?? I want to be able to talk openly and exchange ideas about these things. It seems I tend to attract either the religious or the strongly anti religious - I am neither. I've got to church at times to please people in my life, and I just can't do that anymore. It would be simply to please.

 

On the pro side, I like how he seems to value putting into the community and having roots with people. And I think he wanted to show me off a bit, which felt good.

 

Anyways, we will see. After lunch we both go our own ways for the evening to make appearances at dinners, but I'll see him again this week.

[tiredofvampires]

I've got to church at times to please people in my life, and I just can't do that anymore. It would be simply to please.

 

 

Would that be such a bad thing to do?

 

If you're not anti-religious, and it doesn't push major buttons for you to be in a church...it seems to me that in all relationships, sometimes we do things with the other person because they like it more than we do, and we're along for the ride, to enjoy being present for something they enjoy. No doubt if your relationship is a long and serious one, there will be times he's doing something more because it's important to you than him. The connection being the important thing, not the place you're going itself.

 

I wouldn't want someone to go with me somewhere JUST to please me (checking his watch discreetly because he can't wait until it's over), but if I knew that he took pleasure in doing so for the reason that he's sharing in my enjoyment, and was adaptable and easy-going enough to go with the flow, it would be quite a turn-on (especially if we had a vibe where we could openly express our feelings/critiques at the end).

[itsallgrand]

I think because it is so early, still dating and really getting to know each other, that I feel the way I feel about this.

I don't know yet how deep these beliefs run, what might offend him, etc. I don't want to offend him nor give a wrong impression.

We have a good vibe going and an openness, but with religious topics, sometimes it can be a bit more delicate - and a lot of room for misunderstandings and deep feelings. I just don't want to rush into potentially creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one, and take more time to understand him better and for him to understand me.

And being at a service, it just felt too early for me to go there with him.

 

But I think you are right. If we keep seeing each other and this progresses, I'm not going to dig my heels in and be overly rigid.

 

I suppose too I was taken aback, as he had not mentioned anything about church before nor identifying himself as a Christian.

 

I just need to know more. And to see too how he responds to learning more about me when it comes to this.

 

The main thing for me would be to see if it is something we can talk about eventually without there being blocks or taboos surrounding it. That is the main thing for me. If we can talk about it in a healthy way, then that is a lot. If we can understand where is each other is coming from and respect that about each other, then yeah, I could compromise and happily go to church with him one in a while in the future.

[Ms Darcy]

Why can't I just find someone who is on the same page with me on this?? I want to be able to talk openly and exchange ideas about these things. It seems I tend to attract either the religious or the strongly anti religious - I am neither. I've got to church at times to please people in my life, and I just can't do that anymore. It would be simply to please.

 

I grew up in the church and stopped going when I was in high school. Wasn't for me.

 

Actually used to go to Catholic church (I was raised Baptist) because it was a liberal church, I went with friends, and it was ok.

 

I dated a very religious guy for two years and went to church with him. It was exhausting. So, I understand how you feel.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you, Ms Darcy.

 

I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to keep putting myself out there, at a reasonable pace, and if we are a fit, we will be a fit. If we are not, it'll be alright, and I won't regret having got to know him more.

 

There are other things to think of besides. I think I was just a bit *spoiled* in a way out of the starting gates...dating him has been easy and fresh, he is respectful, sweet, fun, smart. I feel safe around him.

 

It might not be so bad to get a little reality check that this is still dating.....and there is lots yet to know, and I'm looking for something long term, so, the chances of it being the first man I'm really dating again are pretty slim. Not impossible, but slim.

 

All in stride, all part of the bigger picture.

[itsallgrand]

Self defeating belief number who knows:

I am a bad driver.

 

No. No, I'm not. I am more than competent as a driver. Actually, I'm pretty good. A little giddy with the gas, maybe. And doing a bit of comparison here, I'm far far from some of the 'bad drivers' I see out there on the road on a regular basis.

 

Next.

[itsallgrand]

It feels like rain is coming. I hope it does. Have all the windows open, and would love to feel that cool breeze. And to hear that soothing sound.

I am packing things up. Sorting through what to keep and bring with me, what to give away, what to throw out. It feels a little bit sad. I think for me, packing things up always kind of does. Seeing your material possessions, and your life basically, all in boxes. And not a lot of boxes for me, either. What you really have is yourself, and, whoever those people are that you call home. Where you find caring, love, understanding, joy.

Part of what makes me sad this time is that I love this particular place. It's been a home. Me, myself, and I. And the cat! haha. But a real home to me. I made it mine. I let myself live here, and to care about it.

I love the feeling here, and I love that I walk outside and a few minutes away is the river. Seeing the deer come out during spring and fall, the peacefulness here, no real neighbor sounds in my place, nobody to bother me.

I was at my friends not that long ago, and her place is surrounded by people. You are sitting in her living room, and all you can hear is other families and people everywhere from all sides. At her place, it almost nice, because they are families. Little kid sounds and moms and dads and dogs. And there is something nice to that.

It's sad, but sweet, leaving somewhere you still love and could happily stay at still. Sweet in that, it feels so much better to leave somewhere with good feelings about it still, then to leave somewhere because you want to get away. And I know that feeling, too. I much much prefer this.

Maybe this will help get me over my phobia of moving around a lot. It's part of that bigger fear of being at other people's whims, being forced out or forced in. Of things not being all that safe, and having to protect myself with a fortress of hard lines.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this. It's good for me to enact changes, on the outside, of my own accord. It is good to keep the environment fresh, and to keep myself open to change. There are other great places, many.

The ironic? thing about all this is, I am a person who is quite heavily influenced by (mood wise) and sensitive to environment. I don't like to feel stuck nor too much of the same, I tend to get heavy and moody when things begin to feel stagnant. Yet at the same time, I have sought out and reinforced stagnancy. Working against my own nature, my own self.

It feels much better, and totally natural, to be free. Keeping things fresh, helps to keep that sense alive.

[Ms Darcy]

I used to drive a lot in high school when I was young and stupid and fearless. Never had confidence issues when driving. I don't drive usually because public transportation is my primary mode of transport.

 

But if I do drive these days, I feel like a terrible driver. Fear and self-doubt, and the lack of stupidity/courage of youth, are real killers.

[90_hour_sleep]

You're moving!?

 

That's kind of exciting. I can sure relate to some of your feelings on the matter. A longing for stability in environment contrasted with a healthy dose of stagnation aversion.

 

I've moved around a lot in the last few years. That after being in the same place for 6 years. The first move was tough...but it opened so many doors...and helped me to embrace endings with more enthusiasm. Looking back, the place I moved to provided the backdrop for some serious regeneration. Still the place I look back on most fondly.

 

I'm not sure it ever gets any easier...but there is definitely a feeling of strength that comes with letting go of all these attachments. Letting go of possessions is always a bit bittersweet, I find...but there's that same sense of freedom that comes along with it. Do I need this anymore? Sometimes the answer is a bit unclear today...but next week it feels a bit more certain. A process...as always. It's kind of fun too.

 

I've got some catching up to do with your journal, it seems. All kinds of stuff is going on in your life! Sounds fun.

[itsallgrand]

I used to drive a lot in high school when I was young and stupid and fearless. Never had confidence issues when driving. I don't drive usually because public transportation is my primary mode of transport.

 

But if I do drive these days, I feel like a terrible driver. Fear and self-doubt, and the lack of stupidity/courage of youth, are real killers.

 

See, I think that is part of what happened with me. Taking a lot of public transport; not needing to drive nearly as much. Then you get out of practice. then you start doubting yourself.

 

That and, some history with me driving a lot when I was in the middle of my super bad anxiety and nightmares/not sleeping times. So of course, my driving wasn't as good as it is now. And a lot of times, I felt somewhat forced into being the driver or having to fetch people - and started to dislike it, by way of feeling like it put me in ultra-responsible role. Which sucked. Especially when you are younger and just want to get out there and do your own thing.

 

But mostly, because (pre therapy for PTSD) and all those symptoms that went with that, and had a few minor incidences with that while driving.

 

Now, it feels great to drive again...putting into all into perspective and feeling totally free of all that now!! And the giddy on the gas is and always has been...probably just that I enjoy speed.

 

90,

 

Yup, I'm moving! Temporarily, and not all that far away. temporarily, as in, I'll be looking for another place to live pretty soon after settling into the new place. But that's ok. that's how I want it, am designing it right now.

Because the idea really is to keep things moving, keep myself from getting stuck, and un-sticking those things in my life that have gotten stuck. ha. Quite the mouthful there.

And a good time to do it too. Why not?! there is nothing seriously holding me down (kids, sig other).

 

HOw many times have you moved in the last few years 90? Have you gotten a taste for it now? I wonder if...sometimes it doesn't give people a taste for it, and that it might for me, or at least, to help someone to know with a whole lot more confidence that where they choose to be is the right place for them.

(and thanks for popping your virtual face in here too).

[90_hour_sleep]

Are you thinking that by moving around a bit...you'll discover a place that's a better fit for you? Kind of like playing the field in the dating world? By experiencing different options, you get an idea for what doesn't work for you, as well as what does?

 

In the last 3 or 4 years, I've been in 6 different places. Some were just short moves. It's been good for me...but I think it's because I've been feeling pretty flexible. I don't really need that kind of stability right now. I have a friend who moved 15 times in the span of 2 years. Just about drove him crazy I think, because he wasn't choosing the moves. It's a lot easier when it feels like it's your own choice, I think. Guess it depends on if you're renting vs owning too. Renting always seems a little precarious. Are you renting?

 

I'm mostly just on the prowl for rent/mortgage-free options. I'm discovering a freedom in not being bound to payments.

[itsallgrand]

Are you thinking that by moving around a bit...you'll discover a place that's a better fit for you? Kind of like playing the field in the dating world? By experiencing different options, you get an idea for what doesn't work for you, as well as what does?

 

Yes, I think so.

 

I'll be renting. I don't want to buy any property right now; unless something happened where I found something that could become an investment as far as it becoming a rental. But not to get a mortgage, to live in a house, not right now. And I hate condos.

 

Have some of those places been rent free/mortgage free options 90, that you lived in?! HOw did you swing that? I've seen some people do that...by various ways. Some pretty interesting. Just please don't ever tell me you are becoming an anarchist because I'd be very sad.

 

Life on the end of being a traditional renter this time around is a wake up call though. It blows, frankly. So it's not something I want to do longer term. Such a money drain! But it'll let me check out some different options as far as other things in my life go. Having mobility - can sublet out an apartment in no time, if I want to leave.

 

15 times in 2 years...that's pretty intense. I would rather not go there if it isn't necessary. I do like some stability. I've just had TOO much of it, in recent times. Needed it; but now not nearly as much as I did when I started this journal.

[itsallgrand]

Tonight I go for prime rib bbq!!

Another date...and he bought steaks...got to be good, eh?!

He doesn't drink much, and neither do I, but I'm going to pick up some really good (IMO) beer and bring that along. Seems kind of stingy though considering what he's cooking and we are both cheap liquor dates.

 

When he said steak it made me realize it's been a while since I've eaten beef at all. Seems like when spring/summer comes along, I go more vegetarian without even thinking about it. And in winter, I do like to eat meat and heavier food.

So from experience I know, I am going to feel very full on just a little, and will have to take it easy not to pig out too much.

 

This is nice. Not sure what all will come of it, but it's nice looking forward to a mans company again.

[IAmFCA]

Nice!

 

You could bring fresh fruit and serve it with whipped cream for dessert, if you want to bring something additional.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks ITIC. I did bring desert, and it went down well. Very nice night.

 

The last two days tho I have felt funky. It's a reminder. Can't get complacent. When you are moving along; then whatever was buried down deep, will come up. I had to apologize to more than one person for dropping off the radar/not getting back to them promptly enough. For the first time in forever, I actually understand why that upsets people so much. And I felt genuinely sorry. Told them taht, and that it won't happen again. And it won't. I do not want to do that anymore. I would rather talk it out; or be - have a hug, not make it some shame to feel what I feel. I want to be with my peeps.

 

Last night, I had this moment of w t f is this now?! Feeling really overwhelmed, sort of depressed, disheartened. These feelings still come sometimes. Where it feels like my emotional resilience is crushed and I just want to hide away. Don't want you to see this part of me taht doesn't quite know yet if it's truly possible for me to live a normal life, and not have that old s/ t come up. Sometimes I feel like an overdramatic tart when I talk about that part of my experience; all the things that I've gone to therapy for. I mean, that's just the truth. But it is my experience, and it has been real to me.

 

It all makes so much sense now, and that hurts, I guess. Understanding how you came to be what you were, what you are, and more of what you want to be.

 

It hurts this time around because the things I've done to myself, the things I've done to others, because of how I was functioning before. It's this great big wave of hurt.. coming to the surface...and I have to forgive myself for not being able to do what it is I thought I should have done and should be doing now. I have to accept this and myself fully in order to move forward now.

 

It will be alright, for sure. But I sure am looking forward to getting in the pool. Tonight; I'll put some clean sheets on the bed, let the breeze in, and treat myself to a wonderful sleep. And when I wake up, start all over again.

[IAmFCA]

IAG, great post.

 

Actually, to my ears, it sounds like the beginning of a deep love affair, one that will last a long time... With yourself.

 

 

[90_hour_sleep]

IAG, great post.

 

Actually, to my ears, it sounds like the beginning of a deep love affair, one that will last a long time... With yourself.

 

 

 

Reminds me of this quote:

 

''The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.''-- Derek Walcott

 

Different stories for all of us, IAG...but I certainly know the ''hide away'' feeling/desire that you described. "Crushed resilience" is a great way to phrase it. Like the dissolution of something that felt so solid...something of your own creation, your own efforts, your own blood, sweat, and tears...just disappearing into the shadows as though it never had any substance to begin with.

 

The journey...it never ends....

[itsallgrand]

I really like and appreciate what the two of you wrote. Thank you.

[itsallgrand]

In the last few months, I have looked at so many apartments and homes. It reminds me of online dating. I started off with all these expectations for how things should be. I put all this weight on the listings and meet ups and walk throughs.

It's not like my first time finding a place before; but this time I went in with the mind to explore all options and take my time.

Same with dating.

So much of it is outright lies. The first step, really, is weeding through the lies.

Just like online dating.

I've learned a lot by pounding the pavement hard on this. Learned the process well, and learned how to make it easier on myself.

And I learned that I have come a long way to turning my mind from an all or nothing type of thinker, to someone who chooses to take things more in stride and focus on the positive.

And job interviews and hustling that way is much the same. Keep pounding away, keep going. One day at a time. Fresh head each time. Just deal with what is in front of you. And what you know. Explore your options. Know what you have, and what you are looking for, what you are willing to compromise on, what you are not, priorities.

 

Sort of looks like I am exploring my options on all fronts these days. Only starting to build the life I really wanted in my thirties!! But it is what it is. Can't go backwards.

 

"Shame brings you down, true humility lifts you up." I'm starting to understand this. And how to tell the difference between the two. I've been humbled at least a few notches lately. And it's not shameful. It's liberating. It's clear. It's in line with reality. Pride and shame seem to like to hold each others hands.

 

I have also learned that I have a procrastinating streak that is tied in with my fear of being disappointed. And that I can manage that better by managing my expectations better. More realistic expectations leads to less procrastinating on my part.

 

And there is also too the element of what you jsut can't know until you get there. Of little bonus' and things you can't possibly see coming.

[itsallgrand]

Going no internet for about a week, since it will be a very busy week and no time for it anyways.

And wow, did I ever binge today on it. Oy.

Procrastinating streak? Yup, some of that - and some of, I just really really needed some time to unwind and veg, and this is relaxing for me.

 

So see you all in a bit.

 

Sum going into May:

moving to a new place

dating a new guy

made many new contacts regarding work and furthering my schooling

joined a new group; my swim group, which is awesome

driving like an old pro again

changed my diet to a leaner version (this one was mostly unintentional, but still, good)

feeling overall positive and excited about the future

feeling healthier and more accessible...overall, as a person.

 

Looking forward to May.