New Journal

[itsallgrand]

Canada Day. Waiting for the fireworks to end. I'll be glad when it's over. And I will sleep tonight.

 

It hasn't been Canada Day for me for a long time. It's a day of remembrance and mourning. The mourning and remembrance now is sweeter, gentler. The sounds of the fireworks popping off no longer send me in a spiral of grief. The celebrations and bbqs and fun doesn't bring on feelings of sadness. Just a sort of longing, and a sort of sentimentality, and a deep desire to be around the people I love. Chilling out, no obligations, no big expectations.

 

I did have a really lovely day. We had all kinds of comfort food. We went walking around in the woods. We went to the river. We talked. We watched some silly shows and laughed. Hugs, warmth, comfort, good things.

 

I'm glad I didn't spend the day alone. There is that part of me that still wants to beat a retreat during this day. Curl away somewhere silent.

 

But I don't.

[itsallgrand]

My heart has a happiness inside it that is hard to describe these days. It is like every day, is a little bit better. Even when on the outside nothing is all that big, on the inside everything that I have struggled so long to make sense of is making sense. The secrets to a meaningful AND happy life; it's skills, it's knowledge, it's practice.

 

Anyways today I am excited. It is a beautiful day, I took it off work, and I am going on a discovery flight this afternoon. In a little Cessna.

 

So looking forward to it. Maybe it will something I love, or maybe not, but this will be fun! And I have never been on such a small plane before. Smallest I ever was on was a 20 seater.

[itsallgrand]

Again! Again! That was so fun!

 

I'm thinking I am going to take that few week break from the computer now. No forum, no email, no videos. Just for a few weeks. Just to get out of the habit.

 

See ya in a bit.

[90_hour_sleep]

how did your ''no screen time'' go?? did life feel different?

 

i left the internet for a couple weeks...aside from a few necessary emails...which only really amounted to an hour over the course of two weeks. can't say for sure how it affected me...because i've had some significant changes in the last little while that are probably contributing significantly to the way i've been feeling. overall...i feel pretty good though. i'm sure the ''radio silence'' has played a role in that. i've spent a lot more time outside...and a lot less time worrying about the more trivial things that i find i inevitably pursue online (and also the trivial things in general that i spend inordinate amounts of time thinking and fretting about). i think my attention span is better...and that means i'm a bit more focussed on the things i do get up to, while i'm getting up to them.

 

strange how the internet became a sort of guilty pleasure. tough habit to break too!

 

curious to hear about your own experience sometime...if you feel like sharing!

[itsallgrand]

Thanks for sharing that. I feel very similarly. The experience has been very good for me. I was a little surprised at how strong the habit is for me. And a little embarrassed about it too. But that in itself was a good thing to recognize. That most of the time I have been spending online has been out of habit and routine, and not out of any real conscious choice that this is how I was wanting to be spending that time.

So I am going to be keeping on top of that from now on. I spent some time online the last day or two, more than I have been, and it was interesting to see how that made me feel too. Sort of "meh".

I have been spending more time outside too. Which I love. In general, more time engaging and ...this is a big one...I really am thinking that too much time online contributes to a type of passivity (consuming) habit versus the more creative one (coming up with new ideas and options of things to do etc.). For me, personally, that is . So in that regard, it IS my TV and smartphone (in the sense that in how some other people may abuse their tv usage and phone usage, I do with time on the internet). Passive entertainment.

 

There's been other things going on in my life too, and I'm sure that is contributing as well to the changes in me, but like you said, I think the quiet of refraining from allowing the internet to have an omni presence in the background has been a very good thing for me.

 

On a related note, while I was 'offline' for a bit, there was a contest announced on a local radio channel offering up a cash prize for a certain amount of people who would go one year without : smart phone or cell phone of any kind, television, and internet. Some friends and I were talking about it, and I think I could do it...but ....wow, not being able to Google at all for a year...that I would miss the most!! I do love technology, and computers especially, so it won't be something I cut out completely out of my life , not unless it really was for a special reason. Right now, the reason to cut it down is because it has become so habitual for me, but later on, I will be able to moderate better naturally.

 

It's funny because as I'm sure you yourself can relate to, myself and many of my friends, have been around to have seen the internet and email pop up in its infancy. We were young and remember a lot of time in our lives where we went without and we were perfectly happy. We watched everyone get cell phones, and satellites. Etc. Etc. So we can't say we don't know what it is to go without it, or to know the differences. We can't say, like many millennials, that we don't know anything different.

 

It's just...interesting.

[itsallgrand]

Ok, I have had my morning and now back to finding something positive to do. I think I will bike to the park after lunch, and take the day mostly for being lazy outside. Maybe check out the canoeing club, as I have been wanting to do that for a while.

 

Life has been so lovely lately, I can appreciate it better and I am more present. More energized to want to do things, more open.

 

Tomorrow, a funeral. I am dreading it. I suppose no one enjoys a funeral. Nor losing someone. It all happened so fast. I am so glad I went to see her when I did. It was so fast, and it was difficult, and she was in a lot of pain. She could not speak already in a matter of days. But I know she knew I was there. And all I wanted to do was tell her I love her.

 

It's strange. The relationship was not that good. I know she loved me, and I loved her, but....yeah, complicated and didn't get to be as close nor spend as much time as I would have liked, everyone knows how this can go. She was my last surviving grandparent, and it does hurt a lot right now.

 

When I heard she was ill, the first thing is I was very very angry. I am glad to have put the work in to myself, to have recognized that as it was happening and able to smarten up within the day, and to have kept that to myself and my closest friends. She didn't need to hear any of that. As soon as the anger passed, all I felt was sadness and this urgency to do whatever to help her be alright in her last time here on earth...all I kept thinking was, i don't want her to pass with anything bad...there is nothing for her to worry about here...just know i love you...i hold nothing against you...don't worry about me...i am alright...i am happy.

 

It's painful sweet to cut to the basic emotion so quickly now. Is this what it is to be healthy, 'normal'?? I have healed a lot.

 

All that this is here right now is the sadness of losing her, and love - and it was there all along.

 

This is only more reason to enjoy this life, and to give it everything, and to continue on this track I am on. Do not rest in darkness. Keep loving.

[itsallgrand]

I am exhausted. Six hours is a lot.

Cried, and then cried some more. Hugged, and then hugged some more.

Get up, sit down, bouncing through three different languages. Some prayers and rituals I haven't been a part of for years.

Yet it felt so familiar, and in its own way, comforting.

It was her. Exactly how she would have wanted it.

 

My mind is mush.

 

I feel very grateful tonight for family. For time off work to grieve. For love. For life. For the chances we get every day we are here.

 

Night.

[itsallgrand]

I've been having a tough time of things this last little bit, honestly.

Life was going along pretty darn peachy for a while, this has def had me stumbling a bit, it just happened so fast.

She hid her illness, and by the time I or others knew, it was to the point she couldn't hide it anymore, and she was on her death bed.

I am glad I got to see her one final time, if I had procrastinated at all I wouldn't had have a chance to.

But I won't lie - if it is one thing I have learned, it is do not lie about the true extent of your feelings in order to try and appear stronger than you are, not when it comes to yourself and those close to you anyways - seeing her like that has played on my mind plenty since then.

I seemed ok at first. Now that there has been some time, it was after her funeral and it sinking in and being able to cry with family, it is starting to really process.

And it has triggered me. It really has.

I was keeping it fairly together. Then a random accident near my home town that I was told of, just today, this horrible accident, I felt myself starting to fall apart inside.

It tears me up that my first thought and question was, are you sure it isn't family, are you sure. It's absolutely horrible no matter who it is.

But I don't think I could take it, don't think I could hold up, to another blow right now.

I am feeling vulnerable. Frail. Scared.

I haven't been sleeping properly. I go to work, and, I don't feel ready for it right now. I can do it - but - I really don't want to right now, it is difficult, it sucks, it blows.

I feel stupid and weak.

I am resisting the urge to fall into anxiety and sadness. Still, I feel it inside me.

I know I will go through this. This is life. This is universal, yet, unique. Cause we all ultimately are ourselves, unique in our make up, unique in how we go through things.

I DO have some baggage from my past, or perhaps it's wired in me, this susceptibility to trauma, this sensitivity to stimuli.

 

When asked by those close, I've not pretended I am 100 percent ok. I've let people in.

So there is the gentle, awesome support of knowing I am understood and I am not alone.

 

But ultimately this is my journey through life, my emotions, and it will have to be me and my way out and through this. To put meaning, understanding, and beauty to all this again.

 

I just feel very afraid and sad right now. Loss is inevitable. Change is inevitable. Death is inevitable. It's the part where, these things don't give a f/k about you, they are natural laws, they play at their own time, they can strike multiple times in a row and sometimes mercilessly on people, that scares the hell out of me. I know that sometimes people don't have the time to recuperate, recovery, process. I know because it's happened to me.

 

I try to craft security. And guess what?! Ain't no such thing in this life. That is what I am feeling.

 

I know I am ok RIGHT NOW, but what about tomorrow?! It takes some fine deftness, and perhaps focus and distraction on the positive, to sit comfortably with that fact.

 

Right now my positivity and focus is being tested.

 

Let's see what I have in my reserves. And...I just talked myself into knowing how to do it. The hard reality is that RIGHT NOW things are relatively alright, and I am relatively alright too. I do have time right now to grieve. And there is no need to panic. this isn't then.

 

It feels good to write it down.

[itsallgrand]

Today was better than yesterday.

Yesterday I felt somewhat depressive and anxious. A few of my people and I went to an old monastery, and the 'hippy house' as I call it - an arts and community center. They have a nice little garden to roam around in, some sweat lodges, and a center which is essentially an old big house. The place has a good vibe for me. Calming. But I just couldn't shake the morose inside me.

 

Today, I have not felt quite so gloomy. Still not 'back to normal' (whatever that is), but a little perkier. Laughed some.

 

I could really use a gut laugh.

[itsallgrand]

Dear Sleep,

I miss you! Come back to me!

 

I woke up convinced that I had slept through the entire night, may have even slept in. Had a very vivid dream. On the plus side, it was not a nightmare! I have not had a nightmare at all. This is huge. This is amazing. I think I have had what three nightmares in the last few years now. And I am so grateful for that.

 

Better to go back to bed. Even if it's just resting for a good long while.

 

I never had a flying dream before. Not ever. And yet apparently they are very common. Had the most vivid one tonight. Had to keep moving, taking whatever vehicles were available. Sometimes someone I was with, or if I was alone sometimes, would just hop on from a selection of vehicles in our environment. Not running from anything and nothing scary, just knew I had to keep moving on. And each time, my friend would and I would separate at this point. This push into different territory. And letting go of people on the way. First it was a race car. Then it was some type of bubble ship. Then it was a flying machine of some type you might see in a movie. Very basic, triangular, with an open body, more like a flying skidoo than anything. But it went high up to give a panoramic view of everything below. I went following animals on a trail somewhere, figuring that animals know where to go. Started crossing a desert, with a few encampments here and there, and realized I was running out of gas. Up until that point, didn't even consider that I would eventually need to fuel up. But before it became too pressing, I came upon a more treed and foresty area, near a beach and water. Had time to look for a nice place, right near the beach, and landed somehow upon a treetop right below was a cluster of quaint lovely homes and peoples belongings. So I tucked up my flier neatly in that tree and climbed down, perfectly. And walked to the beach. At this point, it crossed over to me being able to watch an alternate version of myself from an aerial view, while simultaneously being in control of a version of me on the ground. the aerial version of me, out of my control, stripped down and rolled around in the sand before splashing into the water. The ground version of me stayed clothed, but somehow was now in a bathing suit, and waded into the water.

It was a fun dream, in many ways, and a good dream. It ended on such a high note, such a good feeling.

 

Well I wrote it down. This one seems rather literal, and obvious to me, and doesn't need to be thought about beyond this. But the simple fact of how intense it was, how odd a sleep it was, that my sleep has been disruptive lately, makes me think it is a good idea to get out so I can forget it now and get some more sleep!

 

Things will work out and there is so much ahead, so long as I stick to what I know to be true. You must keep going. You can't let yourself get stuck in the mud of anything.

 

I am going to make sure this weekend is a good one. Do something special.

[90_hour_sleep]

hey...

 

didn't read your last post...but did catch the few before that. sounds like a taxing couple of weeks you've had. just when you think you've got some ''ground'' something comes along to pull it out from under us. does it ever NOT happen that way??

 

when you said you could use a gut laugh...something came to mind. dunno if you'll think it's funny like i did. but it's worth a shot! i laughed hard.

 

link removed

 

hope the weekend was good to you!

[itsallgrand]

LOL. Awesome! So true. Love the last panel the best! haha. Thanks 90.

 

I'm starting to feel a little better. Just I guess, losing mamere, felt like a kick to the crotch. Totally took me off guard too.

 

Labour Day weekend. Had some chilly mornings creeping up on us to remind us summer doesn't last long. Boo, cause I am really enjoying the summer this year.

 

So gonna try and make the most of it.

 

Haven't really lost the ground ...this is just a reminder not to take it all for granted.

 

gonna be ok. better than.

 

Hope you are doing super fantastic awesome. I really appreciate the support you've shown me, for real.

[itsallgrand]

I have been feeling very grateful.

 

There are things which I still do want to change in my life.

However, so much is going well. And my life is becoming more and more genuine.

I have the bearings and space in my life to have been able to assess and clean my house in all respects thoroughly.

It sort of feels like starting with a clean slate. Though of course, you never start at zero.

 

I am healthy - physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially. And socially is improving again to what is most natural for me. Yes, I am more inclined to introversion. More inclined to take my own way than to spend a lot of time worrying about social dynamics. That has been a two edged sword: freeing me of a lot of neurosis that many people pick up trying to fit in and to establish a social ranking they have decided they want, and making it easy to form friendships and positions in all types of scenarios, but at times, causing me not to challenge some of my more lazy and uncompromising social traits.

Still, all in all, I am very community and family and people orientated. So many of my choices in life have shown that too.

 

I feel like I understand myself quite well at this point in my life. And that feels awesome, too.

 

Now that the house is clean and tidy, there is finally room to welcome and appreciate more in. And I am looking forward to how that develops. Pretty open minded about how that may unfold, yet.

 

I am feeling positive about my future. Just want to note how great it is to be at this place right now.

[itsallgrand]

Big Moon and now Solar Flares. Strange things are afoot.

 

That massive moon really was gorgeous.

[itsallgrand]

More and more do I feel like an alien in this city.

There is so much that I have and do love about this place, not only the city but this place.

 

But more and more, I feel saddened by what it is becoming. I feel disheartened to make a real difference here.

The climate more and more reminds me of a collective addict on a desperate binge.

The politics here are crazy to me.

 

I might be better off somewhere else. It is worth at least exploring my options.

[itsallgrand]

I've been thinking more about narcissistic and self absorbed people.

No matter what you do, you can't win.

It's not like relating to normal healthy people.

These folks are in a world of their own.

When you are trying to understand things from the perspective and assumption that they have a core of healthy regard and relating in them, very little of what they do seems to make sense. It's all very destructive, and self destructive too, and contradictory and even crazy.

But when I think about it from the framework that it's all about the validating, trying to fill a hole that can't be filled, really like a giant sucking vortex of need, and basically there is no substance underneath the shell....

well then it all makes sense.

It simply always goes back to themselves. Always. Everything.

 

It makes sense too why so many of these people would end up in my environment. I have been a nurturing commitment phobe. Perfect arrangement for them! I supply lots of attention, without asking they give back anything of real substance.

That is why I have not been able to shake them off faster. Because there are out there, everybody encounters them, it's just a matter of shaking them off and not getting sucked in.

 

It's like my default has been to take what I had in my teenage years, my traumatic years, and apply that to how I figured people all were. Needy, almost child like, well intentioned but incapable of giving back equally as far as emotional intimacy and psychological stability goes. So I just gave, and as for myself, balled up some special resources for myself to keep going, but not enough to really nurture me. ANd I didn't expect to have a place to be able to share that with someone. It became difficult to imagine people being capable of that.

 

No wonder I was so self defeating when meeting men who actually were and are capable of it!

 

And then all this rage and indignation. Because of these types of beliefs. Taking a few experiences, and applying accross the board, inappropriately. Denying myself the chance to share equally, without feeling of being overwhelmed by someone else's need and wants. Because of not trusting myself enough to adjust accordingly, to be responsible emotionally and psychologically. Thinking that it would smother me, mean having to lose something of mine, not getting back, just taking and leaving me less than rather than building something beautiful and greater with somebody.

 

The fear isn't based on anything real, but it's reflexive, dead, like jerking your arms in bed, a response to an old thought and time.

 

So much of what people have been posting lately has been resonating and helping me to put the pieces together.

 

I want to be healthy, to share, to have normal things. Normal experiences. I do not want to be a crumpled up ball who never shared with anyone in a really deep way.

 

It sort of stings the old ego thinking that so much of it is back to taking personal responsibility. Half the time, not even aware of what I have been shirking off. Thinking, what do you mean? If anything, I've been hyper responsible! But that is part of the problem. That isn't regular, normal, healthy responsibility. That is part of old coping adjustments, old news, old adaptations. That too has to go!

 

And gotta keep evolving. Even if progress is slow, I'll get there. I'll get there dammit. Nothing can stop someone who is bound and determined.

[90_hour_sleep]

I want to be healthy, to share, to have normal things. Normal experiences. I do not want to be a crumpled up ball who never shared with anyone in a really deep way.

 

It sort of stings the old ego thinking that so much of it is back to taking personal responsibility. Half the time, not even aware of what I have been shirking off. Thinking, what do you mean? If anything, I've been hyper responsible! But that is part of the problem. That isn't regular, normal, healthy responsibility. That is part of old coping adjustments, old news, old adaptations. That too has to go!

 

And gotta keep evolving. Even if progress is slow, I'll get there. I'll get there dammit. Nothing can stop someone who is bound and determined.

 

''I'll get there. I'll get there dammit!''

 

I smiled...even laughed a bit when I read that. A good laugh. Like...''Yeah!! That's awesome!! I'm gonna get there too!!''

 

I want to be healthy, to share, to have normal things. Normal experiences. I do not want to be a crumpled up ball who never shared with anyone in a really deep way.

 

And ya...you said it. I think wanting it is the first step. There's that recognition that certain things just haven't worked. And then there's all that other crap we have to wade through. Self-aggression. Low self-esteem. Doubt. Optimism... followed by a repeat performance of everything we were feeling aggravated about to begin with. But with the desire, seems to come hope that at least it's possible to live a different way. At least there's an idea of how it could be.

 

I always liked Pema's words on 'getting rid of stuff'. Just gotta be careful not to throw away the good stuff with all that neurotic 'garbage'. Maybe the neuroses can coexist happily wtih the healthier bits...just so long as they're not running the show. You know?

 

I hope you discover that deepness, IAG. I really do. And I hope you come back here and write about it sometime.

 

Happy Thursday!

[itsallgrand]

Who is Pema, 90? I've noticed you mention her(?) before.

 

Thank you for the well wishes. I will.

 

Yeah, it is odd. It sometimes feels like going around in a circle only to come back to a lot of the same things again. A lot of things have changed, and for the better, though.

 

I know right now I need to just get back in there, to the places where I took myself out. And see what happens. I can see that now - I agree - there does come a point, and a place where, issues become more minor neurosis and there is no reason to disqualify yourself thinking or waiting on 'perfect' because that is never going to come. Where you just have to go "ok, I have evaluated things, and I am healthy enough and things are good enough to try fully" at this or that. And where you just have to do it. And stop giving oneself such a hard time about not having had the kind of life you wanted for yourself previously. That s/t happened; but you've moved on from that now. And just let yourself experience what is before you now.

 

Things haven't been a wash, but I've known for a long time now that there is a lot more potential beyond what I've reached so far. In relationships, and in life in general.

 

It's just time to go deeper. And stop worrying so much about the little crap. And it is little crap, now.

[90_hour_sleep]

Pema Chodron. Buddhist nun. I think you'd like her....maybe..

 

[video=youtube;buTrsK_ZkvA]

 

It's just time to go deeper. And stop worrying so much about the little crap. And it is little crap, now.

 

That sounds like a nice place to be. Another cycle. Seems there's trauma in life...then some growth (hopefully!)...and then the time comes to take the newfound wisdom out into the world.

 

I worry about the small crap incessantly at times. I like the realization that comes after weeding through it all though. That it's really NOT worth worrying about. Seems worthwhile as a point of reference. Contrast.

 

Anyway. I really appreciate everything you offer here. Hope Thanksgiving is good to you! Always one of my favourites. Looking like it'll be low key this year though for me. We'll see.

[itsallgrand]

You chose the right vid for me to be introduced to her, that's for sure! lol. Thanks for sharing that.

 

On some nights when I was having a lot of trouble sleeping, I used to listen to downloaded tracks of Thannisaro Bhikku.

They helped calm me down to sleep.

Probably not the intended purposes to use it for! It did help as a sort of balm, at times, for me though. When nothing else worked.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you too!! Low key can be nice; and it's ok to let yourself be loved up too. However you end up spending it, hope it's a good one.

[itsallgrand]

Had a nice day. Got to eat some great cooking, and spend time with a new mix of what can be considered family to me.

Family: those people you can turn to, find a safe place in, warmth, caring, security, and to be witnesses to each others lives.

I was thinking how much my concept of family has expanded over the years.

One thing my parents did with us growing up is; make sure we were surrounded with, and developed, a concept of family and community. Inclusion. Getting involved and offering what you can.

I was grateful for that today, thinking about it, and thinking about how that seed planted early in life has made my life richer.

 

I think this is something else I bring to the table. And I want to make note of these things to myself now. Of what I bring to potential relationships.

[itsallgrand]

Tonight I ran into an old teacher of mine from high school that I hadn't seen in years.

Not one of the ones, and there were more than not, that I liked and appreciated though.

A dud. One that actually, in my estimation, never should have been a teacher at all. Never should have worked with young people.

She brought religion into biology class, and it was basically as though I didn't take that class at all. She refused to teach certain things properly, because she didn't believe in evolution etc. She refused to discuss certain things; science!

She actually spoke in class about how being homosexual is wrong, and how she would disown her own kids if they ever told her they 'did that'.

Etc.

Etc.

And she was, in our little school - it was a village - the guidance councilor. So yeah. What a joke that was.

No guidance; unless you were going to Bible school, basically.

 

And I just didn't, and don't, like her as a person.

 

So why is it that these people, people in general (though not all, not all at all) put on the smiley face? Big squeal, wants to touch me, haven't seen you in years, you look the same. Blah blah blah.

 

And I find, at this point in my life, I have no interest nor energy to fake liking someone I do not.

 

Ok, what I said could have been considered down right rude. "And I was alright with not having seen you."

 

But she got the point.

 

I'm feeling this at this point - don't do it. Don't give me a face. I'm not going to suck it up and hold in anger inside. I'm not going to take the falseness, and take it on for myself.

 

I always thought of myself as rather straight up. But too, how much have I sucked up? Plenty. And then it has come out in little bursts of depression, anger, even aggression over the years.

 

So no more. There is serenity in this, even if it doesn't always make things easier.

[itsallgrand]

This having two whole days off a week without having to go to one job or another is suiting me very fine. Omg I am getting so much done! A whole weeks worth of meals cooked and prepped, house is clean and caught up for once, laundry is put away and not balled up in the dryer lol. Plus, I had several completely relaxing and awesome days and sleeps. I got to see my cousin, who I haven't seen in too long. I got to spend some time on things it seems I don't get to do anymore - fun things. And things that are just because I like it, on the spur of the moment. And and and...

 

it has really made me realize how I've been feeling like I have been constantly been running behind on well, everything. And it really wears at my self esteem; I don't feel like I am presenting my best self that way. The part of me that I like the best, my happy cute smart funny side, just sort of fizzles down. And I've felt like I've been pretty stifled for a long time. No one's fault really. Series of choices. At some point , I got used to being miserable.

 

No wonder I haven't been all that interested in dating!

 

I do have this tendency to make things more complicated than they are. I've been; overworking, exhausted, mentally fixated, being dull, unenthusiastic...and I know it. It's embarrassing!!

 

I miss my fun side, and when I'm flowing... I don't hold on to things so tightly. It's better.

 

So anyways, gonna be a good week. I decided that.

[quirky]

Omg, I relate to your post so much, same here!!

 

Last weekend, as in 8 days ago, I had the weekend off and spent it with R. If I was on my own it would have been a different weekend. I would have done stuff or picked up a shift at my second job. But I just cooked smth and cleaned my bit in the house and that was it. At some point I was getting restless about not doing tasks and considered asking him to leave lolol But anyway...stuck it out during the weekend and I felt so relaxed on Monday. I thought wow, is this what people experience? They just go home and chill??

 

Today is my day off and I watched TV in bed with a coffee for 2 hours. Then tidied my room, I shamefully admit I hadn't cleaned my desk in 3-5 months. There were mug stains and so much mess I kept pushing to the side. So I tidied that up and lit up a candle. It just feels so nice!

[IAmFCA]

Just popping in to say that last night I decided to start taking off one day a week for vacation, and using that vacation to get things done.

 

I can't wait to attack the piles of things waiting for my attention.