New Journal

[90_hour_sleep]

I'm not feeling very awesome at the moment.

 

Don't even want to write. Not even in a journal. Online or private on paper. Don't want to talk it through.

 

Noting it here. Simply the fact that tonight I am feeling pretty low emotionally.

 

I've learned that sometimes there isn't some big reason for this. And sometimes the best thing is to wait until tomorrow to see if it's actually a problem. Maybe it's nothing. Just waking up in a mood, and that mood doesn't shake.

 

It's beautiful out. There are lots of good things going on. So don't torture myself trying to figure out 'what is going on? what's my damn problem?'. Just going to wait until tomorrow.

 

I often feel this way. No rhyme or reason to it, really. The natural oscillations of life perhaps. Fluid...as quirky put it. Makes me think of the ocean, actually. Always moving. High...low...high...low. The highs are sometimes higher, and the lows are sometimes lower. Neither takes precedent over the other though. There's balance somehow...always balance.

 

Tomorrow always comes though...one way or the other. Seems like a good idea to make a note of how the emotions always pass...of how nothing is ever so permanent as it feels in the moment of feeling.

 

It's nice here too. Sunshine.

[itsallgrand]

I really appreciate the support. The gentle reminder that it is ok to feel this way sometimes. It's even natural.

[quirky]

Makes me think of the ocean, actually. Always moving. High...low...high...low. The highs are sometimes higher, and the lows are sometimes lower.

 

That is exactly how I visualise it too !

Sometimes people around me that don't appreciate the highs and lows I find they are concerned when I do. When offering advice they tell me to distract myself or keep busy. It happened lately too..I try to say that I can go in and out of the abyss and be ok, that I am not scared or worried because I know it will pass. And it is never stressful because when I allow it to myself I am being real and listening to my heart.

[90_hour_sleep]

That is exactly how I visualise it too !

Sometimes people around me that don't appreciate the highs and lows I find they are concerned when I do. When offering advice they tell me to distract myself or keep busy. It happened lately too..I try to say that I can go in and out of the abyss and be ok, that I am not scared or worried because I know it will pass. And it is never stressful because when I allow it to myself I am being real and listening to my heart.

 

Have you always known that you'd climb out of the abyss? I think that's what's troubling for society en masse. There's such a fine thread of distinction between the natural oscillations and those that have stepped beyond a mere oscillation into something more permanent (a chronic depression, or similar). And there's a taboo there, so-called 'mental illness'. I think sometimes we're less concerned for the person who may be suffering, and more concerned for ourselves in that we have no idea how to respond or help someone who is living under the veil of that taboo. I'm sure most of us have good intentions, but the reality is that the discomfort of others is something most of us find unsettling at the very least. We'll do anything to escape that sense of unease.

 

In most places, it's not really okay to not be okay. I think it has a lot to do with shame.

 

 

[quirky]

I totally agree with you. It's not only the fear of not knowing how to respond but that it also elicits than pain or conflict within us. Why do you think we find other's pain unsettling? Maybe people feel they have to rescue the other person..but mostly I feel it's because they haven't accepted that pain within themselves. And you are right about the mental illness taboo. But that's a whole other thread because I personally think that a lot of natural mood swings, conflict and pain people experience is actually a normal part of life and not depression. I think 'depression' quite often is just unresolved emotional pain.

[itsallgrand]

There have been times in my life where I seriously wondered if the low would ever pass. Low isn't even exactly the right word, more like choppy waters and sometimes I worried that I was going to drown in it. Not be able to fight my way back. But I just kept fighting. And it's gotten better.

 

Things are so much better now. And if it makes sense to any of you, it's adjusting to that - normalcy, lack of chaos (internal, and external) that has been the challenge lately.

 

To be able to sit back and relax knowing, I don't always have to fight what is going on. A negative bout or some time of feeling not so great, doesn't mean this is urgent and I have to always do something active about it. that sometimes the best thing to do is just let it pass. Have a cup of tea. Not worry about it.

 

I'm glad to see a sharing of thoughts on this topic in my journal. Doesn't bother me if you want to keep discussing what you are discussing!

 

Off to a baby shower this afternoon. the one I posted about on another thread. I went a little overboard. I met the baby at Easter. things made more sense when i met him. I'm looking forward to seeing him again. and I hope his mom likes what I picked out for him. I'm a little in awe, at the moment, about this whole kids things. How cool it is, as adults, to have such a spot to be able to make such an impact on little guys' lives. Even if you aren't a parent; something as simple as being there for a kid. I'm feeling humbled by it, right now. I think about when I was little, and some of the smallest things grown ups did, sometimes meant the world to me. There are things I still remember, and when sharing it with those people now, they don't remember the particulars I do. But it had its impact. And little kids i was around in their lives for who are a bit older now, teens. And what they remember of my being there in their lives - sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it surprises me. But it's huge to me that there was something there that helped give them good memories, or helped them feel like they mattered.

 

Anyways all this is to say. I'm not going to let it all get muddied now. any impact or presence for this little guy too, i want to be positive. I can do my best with thta. how it handle it all is becoming crystal clear in my mind now.

[itsallgrand]

my poor heart. it's hurting right now. from mistakes made. poor judgment born out of fears and worries. ironically, allowing that to have control in any respect when it comes to how i love, brings me right to that which i do not want.

 

i am starting to really understand what people were meaning when they cautioned me to watch out for my being my own worst enemy. if the very bedrock of what you do and choose is unsure, scared, then of course you will turn upon yourself. even when you are not trying. even when you trying for the exact opposite. because it becomes fundamental to who you are.

 

i am building a new identity again. or maybe. my real identify - self identity - for the first time. it can't be superficial. even behavioral changes can be superficial. it's what is really at the meat, the bone, the nerve center, the driving force and brain and heart, propelling it all and expressing itself naturally that matters. and what is there will be expressed! one way or another. you can not escape it no matter how you try. no matter how you try to pretty it up or spin it either. what is there, is there. actually, all the hubbub surrounding it may actually serve to bring even more attention to it, make it more clear to others.

 

i know i am strong enough to overcome my own weaknesses. to be willing to examine them. and now, i am more willing.

 

and willing to listen. something i haven't always been too good at.

 

i want to understand.

 

tonight though, my heart hurts. i set the wrong course. then i look up, blinking, dazed. i've been paying attention to all the wrong things. and taking a lot for granted too.

 

more hurt than anger. it really is amazing. just to get here.

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry that you're in pain. Hugs. It is so hard to see the mistakes that we have made that injure our own life. And it is hard to repeatedly reinvent yourself.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks Victoria.

 

One thing I have learned about myself in these years since what brought me to enotalone - and the huge changes I have made in my life since then, from the inside out! - is how tenacious I really am. It's one of the qualities I like about myself. Once I've set my mind on something, I don't quit.

 

It's a matter of setting my mind in the right directions!! Use this for me, not against me.

[Ms Darcy]

What things made you laugh? Smile? Feel joy? Feel awe? Feel grateful? Feel lucky? Feel like you have purpose? Make you feel important? Feel comforted?

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, that is what I've been trying to figure out myself, Ms. Darcy.

 

I had a great couple of days. I have been so happy. Feel real, and whole, if that makes sense. It makes sense to me. And with that, clarity.

 

And now I see how that clarity dissolves when I allow myself to sink down back into the stupor of my regimented, highly controlled life. It is. Highly regimented, highly controlled.

 

It served a purpose. But now it's out lived itself. Become stifling, stagnating.

 

I felt happy being with those trusted people I love, and interacting spontaneously with them and their lives. And my life. Loosening the reigns a little bit on the structure. Entertaining the possibilities of new things, new experiences, new ventures in my life.

 

That is what has been missing; that letting go, that trusting in life and other people and that things can work out. To let things unfold a little, creatively, moment by moment.

 

What makes me feel wonderful? A few things I rediscovered are - simple good times with my friends and family, where we do no talk of anything too serious for a time. Simply waking up and doing what pleases us, comes to us. Just having those people around close for day to day things.

 

Being out in the outdoors, where my mind goes to good things like, wow, this is really beautiful. The air smells so good. I'd like to do this with this space. I can see this and this for the future. Getting excited about something growing, and what is going to grow, and enjoying all kinds of good things to eat.

 

That feeling all through my body of being physically exhausted, but not worn out!, the warm delicious feeling of all my muscles relaxing when I rest, because I was so busy doing something enjoyable and what felt to me as worthwhile, I didn't even realize how much exercise I had done.

 

Comfort; not having to carry all my worries in my own head, to stew. But being able to voice them, and coming up with something great with someone else that moves it forward and solves the problem, reframes the problem, so it isn't so heavy and big in my own head. Somehow the problem becomes an opportunity for something new and exciting.

 

Joy, being able to do things I previously have thought I couldn't do, were ruled out for me. Seeing other people enjoying successes, and achieving, and bringing their dreams to life. Especially so those closest to me.

 

Note to self: when I get that all bunged up, miserable, heavy and stifling feeling inside - it's my cue to stop. Stop, turn around! Do not keep beating at that drum. Do something else and look at it from a different perspective; cause that one ain't worth s/t!

 

Tomorrow - work. Ungodly hour, when I much rather be sleeping. The body is just programmed that way. To be sleeping and dreaming. If it's like a usual day, I know the drill, and I know too that i will be tired before anyone else is even on their lunch breaks! I'll go home feeling worn out, hoping that a nap will help me, but I may or may not nap. And I won't see anyone except shop keepers or daytime gym goers until others get off of their work. And I'll want to eat early, and not be able to stay up long for the evening.

 

A different schedule would be much less isolating. And exhausting.

[itsallgrand]

The last few days have been so nice.

 

Now to keep this rolling!

[itsallgrand]

I'm over it.

 

I've been doing so well.

 

I feel like I am at tipping point. Where if I only keep myself focused on that which I want, and keep my eyes open to that and my energies directed that way, I will cross over to it being natural.

 

I haven't felt this way since I was a kid. Life felt beautiful and so full of so many possibilities and things to explore and keep me satisfied then. Where I would go to bed with a sense of happiness and also, excitement about waking up in the morning again. Actually excited about the prospect of waking up to a new day!

 

There has been so much dark in between then and now. So dark, too much dark. I've wrestled with all the apparitions, all the demons, all the visions that flit through your head there. I am not only exhausted of it, I am bored of it. Frankly, bored to hear it when it appears in my own head and heart. There is no appeal. No desire in me to be there anymore.

 

And I am over wondering about that which I can not control. Over torturing myself about this or that.

If it's not helping or making me happy now, what is the god damn point?!

 

What made me happy today was conversations and time with my brother, later with a friend of mine, and time relaxing at home and planning. Creating a dish with someone and talking culinary techniques. The fact that someone is making a beer tailored for me - that was pretty cool to hear, and made me feel good. Smelling the beginnings of that beer.

 

I also bought myself some flowers. Scrubbed my body down in this wonderful salt scrub, then rubbed myself down in oil, and it smells and feels so good. Put on the Turkish thick cotton bath robe my aunt got for me when she was visiting the baths there, and am enjoying the breeze coming in my window.

 

I'm looking forward to many things this week. You know, I can't worry at this point about being judged. This is progress for me. There's nothing forced about any of it. It's letting myself do what I want to be doing. And I am spending time with who I want to spend time with.

 

more later...

[90_hour_sleep]

I'm over it.

 

I've been doing so well.

 

I feel like I am at tipping point. Where if I only keep myself focused on that which I want, and keep my eyes open to that and my energies directed that way, I will cross over to it being natural.

 

I haven't felt this way since I was a kid. Life felt beautiful and so full of so many possibilities and things to explore and keep me satisfied then. Where I would go to bed with a sense of happiness and also, excitement about waking up in the morning again. Actually excited about the prospect of waking up to a new day!

 

Isn't it crazy how you can forget that feeling? Or just wonder if you'll ever feel it again? I wonder about it, anyway.

 

Such a nice vibe in this post. Glad you're enjoying life.

[itsallgrand]

It is strange how we can forget it. And yeah, I've had my fair share of wondering if and when I would feel it again too.

I like the idea of making more times like that.

[itsallgrand]

More of what is making me happy lately...

 

Loosening the cords on having my expectations met. This is having positive results. Expectations; a bizarre thing. We can create entire worlds of our own with expectations. We can shape so much with them, cause ourselves great misery. Waste time in stagnancy. Or in waiting.

We can also help turn ourselves towards better things with expectations.

 

And the difference, too, between expectations and standards. There is a difference. I can keep which standards I like, and relax some of the expectations of having those always met. IT does not change what my standards ARE. It is simply changing my emotional reaction (there is less emotional re-action) when expectations are not met perfectly. It frees up yet more space for clear decision making and listening.

 

This applies to expectations of other people, but also, and this key key, myself. I have discovered a little nugget of perfectionism in myself that expects to do things like an expert from the beginning, and giving myself a hard time when I do not measure up exactly to those who have been doing it and perfecting it a lot longer than me! This isn't new for me , it's been around a long time, but I feel like I really got to the root of it now. Not being ace = being vulnerable. Being great at something gives a certain sense of protection. Which can also easily degrade into stagnancy, and stifle creativity. It is very very good to keep being a beginner at something again. And I've got the taste for it again .

 

Every day, I feel a little better. A little more whole. I truly believe this is a pivotal point in my life. And thank god for that! I am long due!

[90_hour_sleep]

dude...

 

sometimes it really feels like you're giving a voice to things in my head. i could've written this post...today...or yesterday...or 15 years ago. it kinda feels like a punch in the gut reading it though. the words just sort of hit home when they come from the ''outside''.

 

anyway...here's to keeping it new...fresh. to being a beginner...and being okay with that. or...to having a failure where you thought there wasn't any room for one. and...being okay with that too.

 

we need to lighten up. stop taking ourselves so seriously. relax. enjoy the fact that we're not perfect. savor our infallibility. and soak in the feelings of being free from panic when something doesn't go as smoothly as we think it should.

 

that last bit of the bolded paragraph...''not being ace = vulnerable...'' -- golden. and the protection factor. so true. and yet i've never really looked at that way. doing something well is the ultimate form of protection from vulnerability...vulnerability. the emotional undercurrent pushing and pulling at everything that makes me (maybe you too) tweak out in life. not being cool with it. always looking to sheltered from anything and everything that triggers that ultimate form of discomfort. i wonder why it's there. maybe it's natural. but then...there are so many people who seem so in tune with it. i think i've got a bad habit of seeing those types of people as fragile...and i'd rather not see that in myself. looking around though, the people that are cool with failing (on any level) seem to be the ones that are emotionally healthy.

 

rolling with the punches. lowering the expectations that are really only outdated mental filters...dulling our experience. funny what you said about creativity and how the perfectionist response to life really seems to thwart it. we're too left brain i think. tweaking out on getting it right. c'mon right brain! let's go out there and have some beautiful ''failures''!

 

but there i go ranting away in your journal.

 

thanks for sharing your thoughts tonight. it's got me tuning back in to that awareness thing.

[itsallgrand]

Oh thank you 90!!

 

You truly understand and relate to what I was saying. And helped me go deeper with it. Love it.

 

Yes, exactly!! And I am so on board with you for having more beautiful failures.

[itsallgrand]

Wow. Y'know, I am so thankful for your post 90. It's so exactly on point to where I want to keep my attention focused.

And it gets at so much of the struggle that has been inside of me, and in my life. Things so often feeling so much more difficult than they need to be.

 

"we need to relax". LOL. God, how many times have I heard that in my life?! Plenty!! And have I really listened ?! Mostly, had a ready supply of excuses for why I can not. Man.....that is not a winning attitude!!

 

but then...there are so many people who seem so in tune with it. i think i've got a bad habit of seeing those types of people as fragile...and i'd rather not see that in myself. looking around though, the people that are cool with failing (on any level) seem to be the ones that are emotionally healthy.

 

and this too, for me!! I really wonder now if I haven't set myself to lose, more often than is necessary, with this attitude. Cause watching, I think you are right....that to be emotionally healthy, over the long haul, takes that ability to roll with the punches and embrace that failure is part of life. To embrace it. Instead of trying to avoid it all the time. And it makes life richer, too.

 

................

 

New day, new month, and new season. God does it feel good to have some sunshine!!

[quirky]

''not being ace = vulnerable...'' -- golden. and the protection factor. so true.

 

I agree with that too. And I remember a time in my life where I overcame that.

 

Back at uni we used to have a group of a particular world/ethnic percussion ensemble. You didn't have to read music to play it but had to be good with rhythm and patterns and numbers. I was good with that I thought but for some reason I could never get it, the multitasking of the hands mostly. I loved the sound of that eastern, exotic, ensemble and was gutted I couldn't quite get my head around it so I couldn't join the group and admired it from a distance. The sound stayed within me as an influence. and it made me feel that I wasn't as talented as the others.

 

Some years went past, about 9..and I discovered that close to my workplace they were having sessions you could join that percussion group. I kept thinking of how much I liked it yet how I didn't seem to be great at it and was reluctant to join. Then I realised...most people have/start hobbies on things they know they will be good at. Because it sucks being crap at something and you feel less powerful. It feels good being good at something but how much do you stretch yourself when attending such hobbies?

 

So I joined the group and it may sound so trivial that I am even mentioning it here..but I joined it because I loved the sound and to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't be great at something. I have performed with the group 3 times now and to this day I am one of the average players It has been my most favourite hobby out of all others I have tried throughout my life. I still haven't managed to play the difficult parts!

[itsallgrand]

Aww thanks for sharing that quirky! I super appreciate it.

 

It got me thinking of times in my own life where I was willing to flop simply because I was soo interested in something, or wanted it so bad. And I don't regret any of those times.

 

............

 

P.S. I've had another great weekend. So great. Fun and a bit of adventure seem to be like a tonic and therapeutic to me right now....so I am going with it. Also, something quite different for me....being drawn to lighter, happier stuff in general. Find myself looking for the good...which is a very refreshing change in my life...and I like it.

[itsallgrand]

 

 

Day 10 of clean eating. Indulged in a few squares of chocolate today. The result ^^

in feeling anyways...I stopped myself before it got that far!!

 

I was soooo tired yesterday. Sooo. Went to work on an hour and a half sleep. So ok, that does not work for me!! I felt grumpy (and people could pick up on it by the fact I was quiet. geez) until I was giddy. Obviously if I want to keep off that emotional roller coaster, the best way to do it is to make sure when I am making my decisions of what can go, sleep can not be one of them. It's a non negotiable for me, if i want to be happy.

 

another thing. Ego maniacs. My current boss' fit here. Today I listened to him have a conversation with someone else, who is also of this persuasion, and neither one of them heard a damn thing the other was saying. They were literally talking, both of them, each their own conversations about themselves and so wrapped up in themselves they didn't even notice that the other was not talking about them!! I watched in awe, and then found myself suppressing giggles. Couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing. It's like a bunch of things clicked in my brain all at once. About difficult people I've been trying to interact with. THEY AREN"T LISTENING. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT WHAT MATTERS TO YOU? IF YOU WANT THEM TO LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE THEY FEEL YOU ARE LISTENED TO FIRST. TALK ABOUT THEM AND WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT - THEMSELVES!"

 

Oh yeah. Because you are too wrapped up in yourself, hon, to have been really paying attention to what these people are communicating!

 

Man, this will clear up a lot of problems!! They still are difficult people, and you can only go so far with them, but I can go a whole lot further if I stop being such a difficult person myself.

 

Eh working on it...

[itsallgrand]

I'm getting buff again. lol. No but seriously; it feels good to get back on track with eating and exercising. Despite going to the gym a lot during the winter, I gained about five pounds during that time and lost a lot of motivation to want to push myself. Frankly, the winter was so long and cold that it drained me out and apathy started to set in.

 

But now that the sun is here, the weather is nice, I want to be outside again. And do so many things. And it makes a world of difference.

 

I was laggy and felt a little sickly today. Couldn't wait to come home, and I need a good nights rest. That is all it is: needing to get back to fully rested again.

 

With trying to fit more in, my time management needs some work. I can't keep doing what I am doing. Something has to give.

 

I barely watch tv at all, and I'm not addicted to my phone. Where the time is leaking is on here. Online, usually surfing and perusing enotalone. If I were to cut back on that, it would make a difference.

 

Another one is this one job that I keep hanging on to, and I'm not really sure why at this point. Maybe a laziness. And a coming to terms. I know I am better than the job now. It served a purpose, but that purpose is done. For a time, working so much I think was filling in and helped me cope/avoid being as social as is actually good for me. It's a habit I got into a long time ago when things were really pretty s/t for me; and I was dealing with so much anxiety and honestly, probably a good part of depression in there. That was around the time I started spending a bunch of time online too. Probably to help fill in some of the gaps. Of feeling lonely. It's not like there aren't enough good people around me. And it's not like I've ever really had a difficult time meeting people and making friends. It was all because of my own choices and what I was dealing with, I made a bunch of choices that served to sort of semi isolate myself in a little cocoon. What I needed and wanted more than anything at the time was to feel safe, and feel like I had some control. That is taken care of now, so I don't need to be doing this anymore. I just need to continue to make the conscious effort to break all those bad habits that led to it and perpetuates that type of life.

 

Things have been good. Really good. They are going to get better yet. I'm excited, and a little overwhelmed, to be actively taking on some new changes. The overwhelmed is mostly getting myself up to date in how I live and function to match a new lifestyle.

 

But it's all good.

[90_hour_sleep]

Amen to the internet void. That's usually where my ''missing time'' seems to go too. Most of it is truly wasted to boot. Bad habit really.

 

Seems like you're at a point of transcendence. Climbing up out of some place that you've been lingering for some time. Ready to feel the warmth of something new but oddly familiar. I know people would miss your presence here...but, maybe it's time to venture out and invest your energies elsewhere. Like you say, new and exciting changes. Your journal is full of the high energy these days. I get a bit of a high just reading about it.

 

Enjoy your summer!!

[itsallgrand]

Thanks!

That is how I feel - like this is a new time for new things and ways of being for me now. And it feels great. And that is the plan - to invest more of my energies into new ventures now. Really give it my all. See what happens.

 

It is very sweet of you to say that people would miss my presence here. It's funny. There are people here who I have only known through what they write, whose presence here gives me the warm feeling like when you see a friend. I'm grateful for this space/place and the people here. So much so.

 

I'll be around.

Just a lot less so.

 

Kind of wish I could just buy all you good people a beer.

 

Til later,a song, because, I love this. And I love how there is so much more interaction with music and the arts now. Once people are aware of something, and finding the humour in it, that's when we take it up a level. we have to because we are human. and it is a good reflection of where I am at about now. finding humor and the light side of things. curious for new avenues, new ways of looking at things, new experiences, new ways of interacting.

 

and the damn thing is catchy! lol.

 

[video=youtube;PuQt9N4Dsok] ]

 

enjoy your summer too!