New Journal

[itsallgrand]

How did it feel to you, ithinkican? I'm still processing but I think this may be the beginning of my coming to terms with being a social animal, like all humans, and sometimes I do need and simply want others . It's been something I have fought a long time, accepting that.

[itsallgrand]

What is this elusive 'connection' , I'm wondering today. I feel uncomfortable with it. I think I am highly aware of interdependence, how it and we are all tied together whether we want to be or not. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not. But I have wanted out of this for a long time. Out of the web. I don't trust the majority. I don't trust in ' it all working out how it was meant to be'. The idea of any sort of fatalism like that has made me angry and bristle for as long as I can remember, even when very young. I suppose this is a very long drawn out tantrum of 'this isn't fair, life isn't fair' I played out. But it's also not like I've ever gave up all hope either, never in my life felt like cashing it in. I'm just tired. Tired of fighting fact, and my emotions, I guess. Whether you want it or not... Here it is. You are part of this web, with a lot of sick fs. Negligence, greed, selfishness, hate, stupidity, apathy. So connect to this... Maybe it's not so unnatural to want to be removed and distant from a sick group/ network. And I guess I sort of see the world that way: in the whole, ill. I see good too, I feel love and caring and beauty and growth. And there are a few people I feel deeply connected to, and like it's safe and good to do that. I feel off- and am so acutely aware of it, and that some of this is only my filter, some of it not, and sometimes hard to tell which is which. It's a long process. But things feel and look different again, I feel mind screwed in a way. Like am I sleeping or is this what real is... And all there is is what little sweet connection and meaning we make ourselves out of this mess. I can't shake that sense deep deep that this place is not basically healthy good safe... It's a frail sense of that we either are lucky to walk into or claw create for ourselves. Peace too is fleeting , or cultivated, but it's not a permanent state . That sucks, but so long as I can learn enough to have a good life out of this, it's ok.

[itsallgrand]

I feel better having got that out. I know what I need to do. Sometimes I need to get out all of that, to get my head straight again. I still get disorientated more easily than I would like. I'm glad I'm leaving here for a week. I like changing the scenery, lately. It's too easy for me to sit in my own juices otherwise.

[itsallgrand]

Listening to the call of the wild on audiobook, I love this book so much. And I cry every time.

[itsallgrand]

I love it here. I feel at peace. I was treated to some amazing northern lights, got here right in time for the solar flares. An encounter with a friendly red fox too. I love the space here: it's quiet, lots of bush, not so many people. And being able to spend time with my bro, it's great, I've missed him.

I don't miss 'my' city. It's so angry. I've noticed that so much this last year. And it's hard on me, environment has such an impact on me. On any one, but I am particularly sensitive to it and have known this for a long while. I'll have to consider this more this coming year. Why stay? For how long now?

[faraday]

Not sure if anyone remembers a thread I started over a year and a half ago now, about my conflicted feelings about attending a baby shower for a young woman in my extended family (not by blood, but family). Well I hadn't seen baby G since he turned one, and that has been mostly because they live several hours away. She sends me pictures from time to time, and we keep in light touch. Then, I got to spend time with him for a few days, and his mom and her boyfriend, over our family Christmas.

My mom was in her glory. I have some great pictures of her rocking him to sleep. That was really nice, as I know it's hard on my mom not having any grandbabies to love up and spoil. Now she spoils G. She was just beaming having him around for Christmas, and to see him open presents, and just be there. It was so nice to see.

He's such a sweet, smart little boy. I have to admit I was in my glory too - he was my little sidekick for those few days. We really took to each other. It's was very easy to get used to having him around.

It was good to see his mom too. She's stepped up to the plate in a way, I will be honest, I never expected. Beyond reasonable expectations. Not only as far as being an attentive and loving mom, but the consideration she shows for others now. She shows understanding of the work others put in now, perhaps because she is now doing it too. But not everybody makes those kinds of positive changes, even when facing what she has, so I think she deserves all the credit for that. She chose to change, and she has. It makes me really happy for her, and for G, and for everyone - there was such a warm, appreciative feel to Christmas this year. Like we were all very aware of our blessings.

 

And very soon I'll get to see my brother for New Years. Get to spend some time in his new home and his new town. I miss him. I haven't seen him for half a year. I know this may sound strange to some people, but it was him that was missing at Christmas. We got talking and I don't think there ever was a Christmas, before this one, where my mom and I and my brother did not make it to spend at least some time together.

 

Then after that, Orthodox Christmas with my bf. He grew up celebrating it on top of 'regular' Christmas, so we'll make a special time of that and celebrate everything then. We opted this way because it was the way for us both to see our families, and since it's our first Christmas together, and because my family is - well, once you are in you are IN so I tend to be slow and cautious with bringing anyone I am with to family events - I think it's more than okay to do it this way. Also, my bf hasn't gotten excited about Christmas for a long time he tells me, and I'm someone who gets excited every year lol, so we both agreed this would be a good way for me to ease him into the Christmas spirit again without overwhelming him with it (and if he were around for all of it, he would be!). He's gotten into it, I can tell, even if he doesn't want to admit it... I've been getting texts and him dropping comments with a little smile on his face about "oh and you know what else I used to love about Christmas? and we have to do?" it's quite cute. He's done a lot and been celebrating with me without even thinking he was. haha.

 

Work and some alone time tomorrow. It looks like a tornado went through my place, so it's much needed.

 

I remember that thread, and I really love this update gives me warm fuzzies

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[LikeWater]

I know what you mean about that. When I was living in Arkansas, I hated it. I thought, "man, there's nothing here" but what I didn't realize was there was actually everything there. Beautiful landscapes, forests, mountains, animals... just nature. Now I reside in Chicago and see none of that. I see two things; I see buildings and people. Honestly, I don't like either one of them. I have so much more of an appreciation for what I once had but it's so long gone now. I guess that's kind of part of growing up in a way. Still, it sucks. I hate this place.

[itsallgrand]

Are you originally from Arkansas, LikeWater?

 

Yeah, I grew up in a small town and couldn't wait to leave it. Did as soon as I could. I appreciate it more at this stage of my life. I've realized it's not small towns that I don't like, it was THAT small town and the circumstances at the time.

 

I've been thinking of where I'd like to go, what would suit me, if not here (this city). And I do feel about done with this city, for a good long while. Outgrew it a long time ago. I think I need to do a bit more visiting and travelling before deciding on a next place to settle. But I do see myself moving within the year, even if it's a temporary move. Try somewhere else. I can always leave again.

 

Right now, I have this urge, this pull, to keep going further North. At least to visit. It feels good, and it's something I've wanted to do since I was young. My brother was laughing at me that I was excited that a store we dropped in to had only a few little sad loaves of bread, two boxes of cookies, a few jugs of milk, a few drinks, random little crap. It's not remote enough for me yet, I haven't had my fill. lol. I don't know that I would want thta forever, but I want to see as far North as I can.

 

2016 is for more travel. More education. And bumping my income bracket up a notch.

[LikeWater]

Are you originally from Arkansas, LikeWater?

 

Yes, I am. Grew up there in a fairly small city no one's ever heard of, and then moved to Chicago when I was 19. By the way, you hit the nail on the head. It wasn't Arkansas I hated, it was just that tiny part of it... and mainly the people that inhabited it truth be told. What I didn't realize when making such a drastic move was how much I actually enjoyed peace and quiet, and especially nature. They don't call Arkansas "The Natural State" for no reason... that place is so green almost anywhere you go. I haven't seen landscapes like it since I left, nearly 8 years go. Holy hell, it's been that long. Hard to believe.

 

I'd honestly say that if you have that magnetic "pull", then just abide by it; accept and trust it completely. There a reason you feel the north beckoning you. Who knows what it is, but personally I firmly believe you should go along with it. Regardless, it was nice to stop by in this journal once again and I hope you find what you're seeking, whatever that may be.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you LikeWater, that's really sweet. It's good to see you pop in here too. I've always liked having you around here; and it's not that often we get to see you!

[itsallgrand]

I'm back home . And saw my bf today. Will see more of him for a while, until he has to leave again. The way it has worked out, we are semi long distance for periods of time. Things are somewhat in transition for both of us. It's good in a way, has worked for me, because it's not ever an issue of seeing too much of each other. It's helped ease me into actually being in a relationship again.

I know he is crazy about me, and I am crazy about him. I could go on and on about the good stuff. I feel secure in what we've got. And it's obvious he feels the same. He tells me, he shows me. We plan together, we talk about the future.

I would like to see more of him. He wants to see more of me, and makes opportunities all the time for that.

My one main concern is that I can tell I am the straggler in this relationship- he gets to wh

ere we are going quicker than me. That's part my personality, part how much time I take this time around making sure before I commit to anything. Once my decision is made, it's solid and sure. But I really can only respect my own pace while continuing to put in the energy this deserves- because I do want this, constant growth with us.

I'm not worried, I know he's in this, I just am trying really hard to keep my balance and that takes work too. Balance of us and everything else in my life that was here and I've cared about and tended to prior to him being in my life.

He's supportive of me and my aspirations, and my growth and well being.

It's just me.. Having a bit of an internal struggle...of getting a good gauge a realistic one of what I have to give now, and what I can commit to going forward.

I haven't said this to him... But I have in different ways...that my personal growth is still my first priority. I want it to be with him BUT after all this work... If it came down to it, I have to come first. It's the stage I'm at , and I know this will lessen, as I'm getting stronger all the time .

But yeah.. It doesn't feel great thinking that while I've got this adoring bf.

[tiredofvampires]

.that my personal growth is still my first priority. I want it to be with him BUT after all this work... If it came down to it, I have to come first. It's the stage I'm at , and I know this will lessen, as I'm getting stronger all the time .

 

I get what you're saying...but at the same time, how are you separating "personal growth" and "me" from your progression with him? When you say "I have to come first"...I still see everything in your life and your relationship to it as an extension of that "I". I'm wondering what you are compartmentalizing.

 

From the things you've written, he seems to be very much integral to your personal growth. Learning to trust yourself, learning to trust another, learning where your growing edges are, learning how much time you need alone vs. with a love partner, etc. He is one of your teachers (in that you learn from him about yourself and your potential, and expand as a result), as I see it, so the relationship between yourself and yourself-with-him is symbiotic.

[itsallgrand]

Exactly what I need/want to figure out, TOV.

I think I'm compartmentalizing certain parts of myself from him yet. I'm compartmentalizing him, to a degree.

I figured that was ok because , well, we haven't been together that long. Hmm summer we started dating, and exclusivity wasn't all that far after. Which was great.

But I don't know...maybe an example can help explain?

 

Yesterday we went to his storage locker here, and he somewhat surprises me with adding me to his unit: my own key and code, so I can basically have total access to his stuff. And it's a lot of stuff, worth a lot of money, tonnes of musical equipment and tools and personal collectibles. Everything that he can't easily take with him moving around right now.

 

He had mentioned it to me in passing a few times, if I'd want that, this way if I need to use something if his or if he needs something sent, I can just go get it. But it still took me a bit by surprise, as that's a lot to trust with me, and also he had already given me spare keys to his place for whenever I visit. I've used them already. And for this visit, I had got him a set of keys for my place so he can come and go as he pleases while I'm at work etc and he's in town. That was a big deal to me. All of it sort of is. So when he got me to sign in a code yesterday, it sort of hit me hard. Where this is all going...

 

He's made it very clear where he sees it going and it's living together and marriage, a whole future together.

 

I wouldn't say I feel pressure... But scared- maybe. Even though it's good. It's a big responsibility having someone trust you and working to build together like that. I almost feel like he trusts me more with his heart than I trust myself with it. Not that I would intentially hurt him, and I trust my own character enough where things like the storage locker- well yeah he has zero to worry about there!- . But emotionally.

 

I feel like I'm just coming into my own, in many ways. Like coming out of the hospital after a long painful isolating recovery, starting all over again as a person who is healthy and still sort of fragile, shaky.

 

I just don't want anything or anyone to get in the way of me full reaching my potential- now that I can taste it, it's real to me, and I can finally do something with it!! I'm s armed of focking that up.

 

Not that I feel he does or will! He adds . He is part of it, he s in my thoughts all the time, I love him.

 

I wonder if any of this is reasonable. I know I can't expect him to stay unless we keep meeting close in time in the same direction. I'm just hoping he doesn't push me where I ever feel I have to make that kind of choice

[Seraphim]

Not sure if anyone remembers a thread I started over a year and a half ago now, about my conflicted feelings about attending a baby shower for a young woman in my extended family (not by blood, but family). Well I hadn't seen baby G since he turned one, and that has been mostly because they live several hours away. She sends me pictures from time to time, and we keep in light touch. Then, I got to spend time with him for a few days, and his mom and her boyfriend, over our family Christmas.

My mom was in her glory. I have some great pictures of her rocking him to sleep. That was really nice, as I know it's hard on my mom not having any grandbabies to love up and spoil. Now she spoils G. She was just beaming having him around for Christmas, and to see him open presents, and just be there. It was so nice to see.

He's such a sweet, smart little boy. I have to admit I was in my glory too - he was my little sidekick for those few days. We really took to each other. It's was very easy to get used to having him around.

It was good to see his mom too. She's stepped up to the plate in a way, I will be honest, I never expected. Beyond reasonable expectations. Not only as far as being an attentive and loving mom, but the consideration she shows for others now. She shows understanding of the work others put in now, perhaps because she is now doing it too. But not everybody makes those kinds of positive changes, even when facing what she has, so I think she deserves all the credit for that. She chose to change, and she has. It makes me really happy for her, and for G, and for everyone - there was such a warm, appreciative feel to Christmas this year. Like we were all very aware of our blessings.

 

And very soon I'll get to see my brother for New Years. Get to spend some time in his new home and his new town. I miss him. I haven't seen him for half a year. I know this may sound strange to some people, but it was him that was missing at Christmas. We got talking and I don't think there ever was a Christmas, before this one, where my mom and I and my brother did not make it to spend at least some time together.

 

Then after that, Orthodox Christmas with my bf. He grew up celebrating it on top of 'regular' Christmas, so we'll make a special time of that and celebrate everything then. We opted this way because it was the way for us both to see our families, and since it's our first Christmas together, and because my family is - well, once you are in you are IN so I tend to be slow and cautious with bringing anyone I am with to family events - I think it's more than okay to do it this way. Also, my bf hasn't gotten excited about Christmas for a long time he tells me, and I'm someone who gets excited every year lol, so we both agreed this would be a good way for me to ease him into the Christmas spirit again without overwhelming him with it (and if he were around for all of it, he would be!). He's gotten into it, I can tell, even if he doesn't want to admit it... I've been getting texts and him dropping comments with a little smile on his face about "oh and you know what else I used to love about Christmas? and we have to do?" it's quite cute. He's done a lot and been celebrating with me without even thinking he was. haha.

 

Work and some alone time tomorrow. It looks like a tornado went through my place, so it's much needed.

 

I remember that . Your update warms my heart. ❤️

[itsallgrand]

We had one of our first tiffs. Over brunch out. It was uncomfortable. Once he decided he was upset with me, he played with his phone and we had a near silent rest of our brunch. And it's true, I didn't try and make it better, I just went ahead and mirrored his behavior and played with my phone and ate my breakfast. I was upset too. I'm still upset. He paid for lunch, even though when the waitress came I said separate bills. Then he got up right away and left the table, didn't even wait for me. Well he waited in the lobby, but didn't speak to me as we were going to the car.

We are both cooling off right now. We had planned to make one more stop together before he had to go see his niece and nephew, but he dropped me at home instead.

In the car, I did try to talk with him and I did tell him I don't want to fight. I asked him to tell me why he was so upset. He told me I can think about it, and figure it out. He expects me to know. I do know but I am not feeling like I did anything wrong, anything that requires an apology. Also, him saying that made me feel angry. Our whole little tiff was nothing more than him saying something which I disagreed with and didn't care for, and my telling him that, and him stubbornly refusing to budge on explaining why what he was saying was 'right'. So then I countered, and that was when he got upset.

 

It's been established before any of this, we share some traits that can make disagreements potential tiff starters. We both have some stubbornness, we both are possibly a bit too used to 'being right' (talking our way through things to get our way, we are both good at it) and need practice on knowing when to let go of a stance for the sake of the others feelings. But we had discussed all this and we joke about it, and until today, it seemed like we had come up with our plan and it was working for it not being a problem. We both agreed to certain things we would do in order to avoid, and pre game so that we would not lock horns in any real way. Backing off, allowing for the differing point of views, respecting each other, respecting that we want to be together so being right all the time isn't all that important and it's a major source of trouble in relationships so we won't do that, we had talked about all that.

 

But I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. Everything has been going extremely well. And we have made some big progressions in our relationship, this last while over the holidays and now being a big step forward too. The time we spend together, how much we are settling into being a 'real couple'.

 

There are obviously more details but I'm upset right now and not sure how to proceed. How I want to. I know he will want to wait out tonight for me to approach first, and apologize. I did send him a text thanking him for lunch, and he simply replied you are welcome.

 

I know how he is and how I am; and we even joked about this, how we both sort of tend to want to 'top', and it does feel like a bit of a dominance struggle, as silly as that sounds. That if I do what would make this smooth over , he'll feel like he's 'top' again and yes, we'll get through it and over it, but I am feeling not at all inclined to give that to him right now. I hate that I am even thinking of it that way, but I know he's only mad because he wants to be right !

 

Sigh. There has to be another way that would make us both happy in smoothing this out. And maybe it's just both of us settling down enough where this stupid power aspect is put in its rightful place, which is not between him and I.

 

I need the mad secrets of people who learned how to let go of the need to be right for the sake of relationships and happiness, but not only that, allowing for someone else to say some things you find really ugh!! and not getting panties in a bunch about just letting them feel like they said something really awesome. lol.

 

I love him, and this isn't a chronic or hard core issue for us on either side (being horribly rigid or insensitive or power struggles), it's more something we both know we could fall into when we get angry/upset. We deal with it sort of the same way, at the worst, but most of the time it's not like that. And I know he does acknowledge how he isn't perfect either and he has expressed wanting to work on this about himself, and I have expressed I want to work on it about myself, but in the meantime..yuck, I really don't ever want a repeat of what happened today ever, it's below us as a couple, and not how I want us to spend our time together ever!!!

 

It feels like even one meal spent that way isn't worth it.

[itsallgrand]

Writing all that out helped cool me off. Note to self: writing out my feelings when upset helps me to work it through. Talking does too.

But when I'm upset too, I don't want someone touching me or hugging me right away...not til I know why I am upset. And it's takes me a bit to figure that out.

I was so upset at him today for acting so smug/snobby about some things, which made me feel like he sort of holds his nose up at certain people sometimes, which makes me feel like he does it with me sometimes, which makes me feel not good. And he kept going on about the cold..which I get..it's cold!...but c'mon, he knows it, and I had shared with him about my idea about maybe spending some time up North...and will he spend some time there with me? ....and he had said yes, but he doesn't want to live there (no problem!).

 

And here it is...he texted me. Got plans for later? Yeah..we were supposed to have plans. F/k this . Now I have to make up with him before I'm ready to...lol.. Time to put on the big chick pants.

[tiredofvampires]

allowing for someone else to say some things you find really ugh!! and not getting panties in a bunch about just letting them feel like they said something really awesome. lol.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm never going to pretend that what someone said is really awesome when it's "ugh!!". There may be an exception to that rule, but I can't think of it. If I disagree, I am not going to sit there yes-manning anyone, if we are assuming this is a two-way conversation, where both our views matter. The only situation I do that in is in company where I'm not close to the people involved and it would just create unnecessary friction. I don't have to share my view at all costs, when I'm not talking to receptive or interested other parties. But with someone intimate to me? I need to let them know how their ideas register with me. And I would ask nothing less of them. I don't want anyone yes-manning me either, just to avoid a conflict of opinion.

 

What you do with that disagreement is where the rubber meets the road. I think it's fine to debate, but when it gets to the point where they've fully explained their stand and why they have it, and you've done the same, and no one's budging to the other side, it comes to "agree to disagree." It's annoying as hell, lol, but that's when "not getting your panties in a bunch" matters. And you have to let go.

 

Easier said than done, I know your pain!

 

Of course, this somewhat depends on what kind of issue is being discussed. Very serious issues you can't just "agree to disagree" on, if a decision has to be made and you're going in opposite directions. Or if this is a value you hold so strongly, that someone thinking otherwise and not sharing that with you is a dealbreaker. That's why it's important for people to couple with those whose views are more similar than not -- people say opposites attract, but I believe the way couples survive if they are opposite is in the minutiae of life, or the individual personality quirks that don't affect mass tracts of the relationship, not the larger issues, values, and orientations. Those need to be aligned in my opinion.

[itsallgrand]

Lol no need to apologize for that, TOV, I feel the same way. I was being sort of tongue in cheek about that. Because I'm not too sure how else people let these things roll off their backs when the rubber hits the road. Maybe just tolerating that it's annoying and that's it?!

 

What happened today was no major disagreement about values or our compatibility, it was silly. Certain ideas he has about things, certain ideas I have about things...clashed. It's fine...so long as neither one of us push and push. We both pushed a bit too much today.

 

I texted him back that my plans for later are to make up with him and that I hoped he wanted that too. He said yes. So our plans for tonight will go on. He said he cooled off. I have too. though we both have some time before we see each other to really make sure we are cool.

 

He pulled out the 'time out' card today. We had that as an agreement in reserve for if we did ever come head to head and piss each other off. It worked. He said it (I want a time out), I said ok, and we both did, and through all this there was no crossing any big lines - no yelling, even raising of voices, no saying anything hurtful, just us being stubborn asses. Both of us.

 

You feel my pain lol....so this is something that isn't easy for anyone....even someone as chill as you?!

[itsallgrand]

Spending some time alone chilling out. Random thoughts through my head. How much I have changed.

 

I don't want to analyze any of this, I don't want to hang around in this, I just want to work this through and move on again to enjoying ourselves together. And that has been the bulk of our time together; just enjoying each other and sharing things together, doing things together, having a lot of fun and caring about each other in so many little ways. Every day.

It's why we have gotten this far. Why I have found myself in a relationship again...when I would have been fine not going in that direction and staying on my own.

 

All I can do is my end and deal with myself and that's keeping myself full and happy, and the rest takes care of itself.

 

So back to that. And let this one unpleasant meal together go.

 

Back in the day, I would have let this churn and churn and escalate. I'm so done with that, in general. What good does it do? Nothing. It just keeps going back to trust...trusting in life...myself...letting go of the rigidity...

 

A quick work out is in order, I think. Whatever is left of my upset will be gone after that.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;hWlMJ5rCT_o] ]

[itsallgrand]

What's up with my youtube yo?

[itsallgrand]

The tone of the forum has certainly changed. I don't care for it. I need a break. I'm feeling like an animal here with a muzzle on its mouth. That's so different from my feelings being here before.

 

Something is definitely different here.

[Cheetarah]

I agree. Seems to be a rather common sentiment right now even among long-time members. So I guess it's not all in our heads.

[Cheetarah]

I need a break, too. I feel stressy when I am here. I mean, it doesn't take much to stress me out anyhow, but I'm not interested in adding any needless/pointless stuff on my plate.

 

Enjoy your break, IAG.

[Seraphim]

I will miss ya darlin. Hugs.