New Journal

[itsallgrand]

I remember once 18 months ago or so when I had an awkward moment with someone, I must have said something heavy or dark or just something not expected and I thought crap, why do I need to be so intense with things? And then I realised that the right people will just get it. And that I like intense and complex and very silly people and now I just cannot be anything else but that. Even if it means the majority don't respond..the ones that do are the right ones.

 

Something like this happened to me already. And it did in the past, too. In this recent case he said something to the effect that he can tell I think a lot, and then teased me a bit to try and get things playful again. I'm all for playful. But I just got the sense in that moment that he has a low tolerance for when things are not all carefree and light. I hadn't thought I had said or done anything to warrant basically being asked to lighten up. I was having a good time and sharing some thoughts. And I was trying to be a good date as well and make sure he was having a good time.

 

In the past, I was more brash. This time, I just let it go and it goes into the 'what i am learning about this guy' file. I'm looking for someone compatible with me too! And if it doesn't work for someone for whatever reason, there is only so long I can minimize/hide that. And I don't want to minimize/hide things about myself. I'd rather find these things out early. So I'm not contorting to try and manage/live this other aspect of myself apart from the person I am interested in! That is something I want to 100% avoid.

 

I'm just getting into dating again.

But so far, the biggest challenge has been to meet men I am compatible with.

I would say out of who I have met/gone on a date with so far, I have felt there is compatibility enough to keep going with one. One.

 

I had a date today (date number two) with someone and it ran almost seven hours. There was some background of being acquainted before dates, so it did not feel weird. And I had a really nice time.

He suggested a movie and at that point, I was already ready to wrap up the day with him.

See this is what I mean.

I used to wonder if it was just me or something wrong with me for sometimes wanting to cut things a bit shorter than the guy suggests. Even wondered if it made me a bad person. Did it mean I was not cut out for relationships ? For love? And of course, there were some people to back that up, to say "well it's normal to want to spend all your time with someone you like, so, maybe you aren't cut out. What's it like when you have lived with someone? Have you?"

Well I'm calling out this right now.

I know I enjoyed his company. I know I had fun today. I also know that my being ready to end our time together today does not reflect on my interest in him. There is interest.

It's the pace I'm comfortable at...and so be it.

I'm beyond done with wrestling with sensations of being smothered out. I'm going to do what works for me, and hopefully I find someone who is ok with it!

I know now without doubt that I AM cut out for relationships...it just has to be the right person. We need to understand each other, and compliment each other.

 

I got a 'thank you for an amazing day' text. Which was really nice. And he mentioned he wants to do it again soon. Again, nice. But we will see. What happens. It's early dating! And exactly why I don't want to be getting attached or hung up on one person. If it's right, it'll play out.

 

I'd like to hear what challenges others are facing.

This isn't a dating journal, but if dating is happening, it fits here. This journal was started for everything going round in my head and also helping bring myself out of my own head sometimes.

Hearing what other people go through and sharing that is helpful.

[itsallgrand]

A few things I am noticing about things for me.

I am able to enjoy myself, and be in the moment, for longer periods of time now. I am able to articulate and manage what is going on internally significantly better than in the past.

Innocent enough and even happy moments and conversations can trigger feelings of sadness in me. Sadness, deep sadness, that has been beneath the mechanism of shutting down.

And I was deeply ashamed in the past for feeling so sad.

Its another piece of the puzzle.

I wasn't even all that aware and wouldn't have been able to tell you, or myself, anyone, why I've done these things. In the beginning, I could tell very little. Later on, I could explain it somewhat intellectually and with an explanation of the disorder.

Why would I all of a sudden, on a dime, shift moods and shut down - even if something really good was happening? even in a moment of connecting more deeply with a person?

Happy things too can trigger sadness that has been sitting below the surface.

Now I understand it emotionally. I understand = I'm in a moment, I'm enjoying myself, I like the person or people I am with, I feel like they like me, things are well, things are full of potential for happiness, and...all of a sudden it hits me. The sadness.

I'm having to vocalize and feel each layer and piece of it. It's not one big blob. It's a living structure, with various big and small organs to it.

 

Today I had something trigger me to a moment of profound sadness about not having a normal development. I felt sad about having missed out earlier on having being able to develop normal relationships with people. The kind that aren't laced with anxiety and how that can truncate fully enjoying getting to know and spend time with people. It goes further than that - to feeling sad about so many things that I feel were lost before they had a chance to even leave the starting gate. So many aspects of my life,and experiences, which I feel were pruned. And I was helpless to do anything about that. I simply did not have the resources nor ability to control that.

 

But yeah. Every time I experience something afresh from this new place, or go somewhere a little further, it means getting in touch with the remaining sadness there.

 

The reality of the situation seems to be, that if I want what I have never had, it's a package deal of getting the good and also dealing with these moments as they present themselves.

[itsallgrand]

I actually said today that It didn't seem fair.

That is how I feel. And really, it wasn't. It wasn't a fair deal.

Saying that made me wonder if there wasn't some bit of self pity going on somewhere.

There are a lot of things that happen, and a lot of deals for people, which are not fair. And some much worse than what I've been given.

I don't know yet. I don't know yet if there is any self pity here. Maybe.

Or maybe it's a simple acknowledgement - hey, it sucks. This is not something I asked for nor sought. It's something that was dealt and I've been trying to do my best with it.

 

As is everyone else with what they have to work with.

[itsallgrand]

This is the first time in a few days where I've had a bit of time to myself.

What is surprising is that I feel pretty good.

It feels nice to have a bit of downtime just to myself. But. I really enjoyed my time with everyone.

I sort of feel like...this is the time where I learn how to just enjoy being with people again. Simply. Just enjoying what is here for what it is worth, for what is in the moment, to be able to really feel and enjoy every little bit of the good things around me.

There's a new depth to things. Which is funny. Because I am thinking about them quite a bit less.

I like the visualization of stray thoughts and such as a bunch of cattle who are wandering out when left unattended. I think of being young and helping my friend bring the cows back in after the fences would get trampled down. He showed me how you have to work with the herd mentality, otherwise, we'd be out there all night trying to get them in one by one. But if you get certain ones to want to move in the direction you want them to, by coaxing them, you can get the others to follow.

[itsallgrand]

Something good has happened with the dating. I've been seeing someone who I feel sweet for. It's very early yet but I feel hopeful and excited. And yet calm. And I can't tell you how nice it feels to feel that way about somebody, and have it returned back. Mutual liking each other and there's this feeling of excitement like...maybe this could go somewhere.

The time together feels sweet. Sweet - it's the best way I can describe it. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. Excited to get a text to from him, it makes me smile. Excited to spend time with him, even after a day I find I am longing to see him. Talk to him.

I've got that feeling like when I really, really like somebody...which happens rarely...a goofy feeling, a wanting to be close to him and touch him all the time when I am around him, not even all sexual, just feeling naturally drawn to him and comfortable with him physically in a space and enjoying the simplest things..like when he caresses my back, or we hold hands, or we are laughing together over something. And I want to spoil him...which is another thing that happens when I really like somebody. I want to be very good to him, and find myself considering him all the time, which feels damn good.

 

I know he likes me. I don't question it at all. Which, that feels damn good too. I dont feel insecure...at all. I just want to keep unraveling the good...for as long as it can last.

 

The other night after a great date, and it was scorching hot, we ended up falling asleep together. Sleep, a siesta, and no sex. Not that I don't want to...I do...but I'm enjoying every moment of this. It's nice taking the time to savour each little thing.

He initiated a talk that day about a relationship. What would the relationship I want for the future look like? And he told me what he would like it to look like for him. And some things he needs, and some things that he will not do again ....which opened up a little bit about our past relationships and a bit more about our respective histories.

 

It felt so easy to talk about these things honestly. I love this....this phase of my life, this new experience with dating.

 

We could relate a lot. We both come from places where we are a bit older and cough more mature now. We've both had relationships in the past where we felt we were depended upon more than what was comfortable for us, and that we both want self sustaining partners in the future and to enjoy a relationship where it's two adults with their own lives coming together to build something together that they can't alone. We've both had longish periods of being single. We are both in sort of similar situations right now. We both like our independence.

 

Yet we are spending a bunch of time together, and he shows me all the time that he is thinking about me, and I find myself doing it naturally too.

 

I'm smiling right now because this is normal dating, right?! It feels so awesome.

[itsallgrand]

I still have a lot of work to do, a lot, in rebuilding - or rather, building for the first time - things as I have always wanted and could have been in my life.

 

Very random thing here which kind of stunned me, because I just sort of pushed down these things about me. these blocks. It seems so minor, but when it's something you feel blocked to do, it doesn't not seem minor. Today is the first time in years I have worn shorts. Weird?! How did I even manage this?! Just always wear pants, even in the horrible heat. Why though.

That overwhelming feeling of wanting to hide...

 

I don't need to hide anymore. I'm doing ok. I'm....me...and I like her.

[itsallgrand]

Gonna write some bad stuff about dating but mostly being in a relationship with me, that I've recently become very clearly aware of. People have put up with it...but why should they. Challenging this.

 

-stubborn. have a hard time compromising, used to getting my own way. Nobody shoot. Also can be very persistent - very. This can be good and bad; when it's being stubborn, it can drive a man to eye twitching frustration and now I know why.

-can be fickle and have a difficult time committing. On the good, once I do, it's all the way and you won't find a more loyal gf.

-about the fickle...an extension of it....can have a wandering eye. Not to follow through on it with anything, but I could stand to be more discreet about oogling people. I don't like it when someone does it when with me, so why is it ok for me to do it? It isn't.

 

That's some of the neg to look at and tweak. Only can look at it so easily now because I feel safe and secure that I have a tonne of good to offer and it's worth it to work on the other stuff. It's not a threat to change some less than stellar things about myself when seeing someone.

 

This isn't even about the particular person I am seeing. It's about me in general. And how I can be a better date and girlfriend and partner coming round.

 

Oh...the other day I wore skinny jeans for the first time. lol. Funny. Trying new clothes and styles out now.

[faraday]

It's good to be aware- now that you are, you can work on them...become the kind of partner you're proud to be.

 

Everyone has things to work on. Those that don't...just aren't self aware enough to know what their faults are.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks faraday. I appreciate that.

 

I was thinking today about reaction. Things I and other people do which are reactions, and how to spot them. How to manage them, how to respond when someone else reacts versus responds. And of course, how to better understand and manage my own.

 

Then I came online here and spotted a response which linked to alturtle's site. I checked it out. First article I clicked on had to do with Safety and Trust.

It was so on point to the things which were swirling around in my brain. Trying to find better ways to navigate potentially tricky areas of interaction - like when someone feels unsafe, threatened, or goes into some spiral of their own emotional reactions.

 

link removed

 

The Lizard. Something which particularly stood out for me on a personal level was the explanation for why the development of abstract thought is so important in being able to 'hold' terror or ugly information in ones awareness. Also, the role sleep has in processing memories and placing them in a point of time in context.

What's fascinating to me, and sort of exciting, is that at the age in which i experienced trauma, my abstract thinking was not yet fully completed. Another interesting note to this is how when I was a teenager, I had a difficult time with conceptualizing advanced math. I excelled at language and art and pretty much everything else. But math?! It wasn't until my early thirties where math started to really make sense. All of a sudden it felt like 'i got it'. Almost like my brain had grown! And it was also the time I started really digging into therapy for the trauma. Coincidence?! Maybe not.

 

Back to the lizard though and how lizards can be in relationships...and how it can royally screw things up when the lizards are just running amok running the show at random. It's all clicking into place for me...how reactions to reactions, the complex unique sets of them that happen between two people, where that all comes from and why that eats away at trust and safety in a relationship.

 

What I was thinking was 'to know your own lizard' is another way of saying really, of learning how to manage yourself so that you are a secure individual. It's self security versus being at the whim of your own insecurities, really, and acting out from them. Somethign which I've been very aware of and working through day by day, and even moment by moment sometimes. Recognizing these things and changing how I deal with them and understand them. Working through them.

 

I triggered someone's lizard today. It was quite subtle, but I saw it. My other post...having that knack for bringing someone to eye twitching frustration...this wasn't even close to that kind of epic craziness, but it was a little glimmer of it, and since that is the opposite of what i am hoping to achieve, well, it's worth thinking about now. When it's tiny.

 

My lizard ran amok, my central issues - it's the worst of me, and the biggest issue ever in the relationships I've had up until this post. Probably what broke a lot of them.

 

It's good to feel like I am, and have been , on the right track for sorting it all out. It's a weird thing...because...when you have/had a wound that caused problems, but you got that wound by no action of your own, it's difficult to take up that responsibility of owning it. It's difficult because, it doesn't seem fair, right?! You aren't doing things with intent to hurt anybody. Not yourself, not others. But it does. It just sort of is there. And then when others reject you or there is trouble because of the consequences of those issues playing out, it's hard to swallow that too. What?!

Having come this far, it's easier to have more connection and empathy with others who find themselves having trouble swallowing that it is indeed theirs.

Sometimes people are handed something, and they don't know what to do with it. They don't even want it. But they are stuck with it. And the antics some of us do jumping around with this bag of shyte in our hands trying to get away from it. It's that or....deal with the shyte. Those are really the only two choices. Number one...well...know how that works out = it doesn't. Just end up covering yourself and others in more shyte. lol.

[itsallgrand]

Theme of the week for me has been taking responsibility for my own life and choices.

All. Of. Them.

It means when I'm upset, not looking for an escape hatch, but dealing with the fact that these are my emotions no matter how intense they are and it's on me to communicate what I want to, in a way that is clear and appropriate to the situation.

It means when I am disappointed with some result, not looking for explanations for where there is fault, but looking at it practically and objectively, in order to find a solution to move forward. Aiming for creativity, over fault finding.

It means when I feel self conscious or less than confident in some situation, to accept that, and to go ahead and do it anyways.

It means when I achieve something I have worked hard for, to allow myself to celebrate it and enjoy it, and not to 'ruin it' with needless rumination.

It means accepting that nobody is a mind reader. And that nobody owns me anything. This includes men paying for me on a date! This one surprised me, but yes, I did coast along in the social pact of men paying the way for women in dating for the majority. Does it go along with what I value? Not really. But because so many men DO simply pay and plan, I got used to it, and then when I changed up the mix, I was surprised at some of the thoughts going through my head when a man accepted my equal share of the dating expenses and planning.

 

It means no longer leaning back into explaining away anything with 'my issues'. They are MY ISSUES and that means mine. No reason, no excuse, to be held back from anything. It my choice how I relate with them and work them.

[itsallgrand]

So I finally got my hair cut. Took about a foot off. Couldn't believe how much hair there was on the floor. Looked like a dead animal lying there. And I can't believe I've been carrying that around.

I never intended to let it grow so long. But I started to really get used to it. .

 

I saw pictures of myself at the beach after swimming and my hair all wild and you can barely make out my face and I was like "wowsers, can't even tell that is me anymore." And done.

 

Long day. Really long day. But a good day.

[LoveSoDeep]

This was playing on the radio today and struck a chord....feeling something like this...something is budding and this nails a bit reason why it is...he lets me be who I am...warts and all.

 

Aw! I'm not a big country music fan but this is my kind of country.

 

This is always the best finding that guy who does sweet things for you just because he wants to, not because you ask. That'll be a smile to any woman's face. Good for you!

[itsallgrand]

He does do a lot of sweet things, but it's me who is feeling grateful for someone who gets me and gives me the space to be me. Stubbornness and all. It makes me feel respected and cared about, and it let me discover for myself how I really do feel about him.

And I really like him. Going beyond that now. I miss him when he isn't around, find myself opening up to giving to him freely, wanting to, and thinking of how things are for him all the time. Being right isn't so important....getting my own way isn't so important....and that means this is someone I really don't want to lose.

 

And I respect him. He's strong and kind. Strong and kind in ways I'm not.

 

So yeah, I think I'll keep seeing him!!

[itsallgrand]

Got a weekend packed with people. People staying at my place. A wedding to go to. And it's just going to mean being around groups of people for a few days straight.

It will be fun. But it will also be tiring for me.

So today was a day of really indulging in time alone. Didn't do anything all that exciting. Worked, got groceries for the weekend, cleaned, organized things.

And now a nice sleep in the quiet...and hopefully it rains. Love when it starts to get cool again in the evenings, and all the windows can be opened and a breeze come in.

You know one of my favorite parts of weddings?? Cake. There is always good cake. And the actual exchanging of vows. I'm not a big wedding person; I don't really get excited by them, and talk of planning a wedding and all the little details and dresses and everything bores me to tears. But when two people exchange vows and they make that commitment to each other in front of everyone, it never fails to tear me up. It's my favorite part.

[itsallgrand]

The weekend was so nice. First wedding in a long time that I honestly enjoyed. It was unpretentious, and everyone at that wedding was someone who genuinely care about the couple. A lot of great people. I guess I've been to a lot of impersonal, huge weddings with a lot of people who I didn't look forward to see. lol. Sad but true; obligation weddings. And it made me realize there is a huge chunk of my family that I am truly better off not being around. I knew that before, but, this cements it. My dreading goign to weddings is mostly because of them. If that isn't pointing the finger! Not blaming them; simply acknowledging that for me, they are toxic presences, and helped warp a bunch of views about what can be fun or not. Some people just have a knack for turning even happy occasions into miserable ones.

 

I had some bad dreams last night. Nightmares. Been a while. Have a good idea of what sparked it though. And I'm glad I'm not dealing with on a regular basis anymore; it really is hard. My whole day was thrown off because of bad sleep, and it's a latent anxiety that made me have those nightmares. I'm much more sensitive to what it feels like now, lower levels of anxiety, and have a better gauge now for what it ifeels like to not live like that. Which helps. It helps to put thigns in perspective, and to get back to the good more quickly when a little bump happens.

 

I thought about texting someone. My friend, or even the new bf. Then I thought, no, it's just bad dreams. And I'm ok. And I'll save bugging them for when I really need it. Hopefully won't have to for a long while. It's a nice feeling for things to basically ok these days, and not feeling the need for that for a while...to just focus on the positive experiences, and having a good time, and normal life.

 

More to write but I wanted to get this out.

[itsallgrand]

Ok it's a couple nights in a row now and I'm feeling poorly. I'm trying to be as objective as possible about this. I think I may have allergies. Or else my poor immune system is just worn down. This is the third time since spring I've gotten sick.

The bad dreams tend to accompany my getting sick. Then I have a hard time getting proper rest. Then it takes longer to get better.

The anxiety and bad thoughts start creeping in.

And that's where I am at right now. The anxiety and bad thoughts were creeping in as I lay down to try and rest. The kind of thoughts that a person has that seem so far fetched when feeling good, but so plausible and real seeming when in the midst of them.

Very much from a place of fear. And there is this sense of hopelessness and helplessness that comes with it. Of being carried away by something out of ones control. With no way to stop it.

And the only thing I want when it is happening is for it to stop. It's hard to cope with. The mental aspect of it. To be so on edge.

I just hope that I can get some good sleep, and that I will feel better tomorrow. A few days is enough. I'm losing my grip. The delicate grip of stability. I don't know how I did it for weeks, months, years on end before. I feel at my breaking point after a few days of it. I need a peaceful sleep.

 

What can I do better? I can tweak my life style again. Looks like the coffee has to go. I could be more scrupulous about my eating. Cut out the late nights and early mornings. I could make myself return to a relaxation routine. It may have to go deeper than that. I may have to change other things. I may have to get serious about cutting out the very early mornings altogether. What else?

 

I didn't come this far to throw it away. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me, it's the whole matter of my quality of life and my health. Without that, life starts to look real limited and small. And that's not how I want to spend this one precious life.

 

Two people called while I was lying there lost in yuck. It helped snap me out of it enough to come here and write. And to get a foothold again. When things are like this, I do not like being alone. More than that, it is n't good for me. Someone being there can make the difference in spiraling, or getting back to ground again. I am by myself in my apartment. I did not want to tell anyone about how I was feeling because, I do not want to place burden on anyone for regulating me. And I don't want to be that person who is that energy of anxious, scared, needy. I can think quickly of who I could contact if I really, really needed to. But I don't like to do that. And it has had to be very very bad for me to do it.

 

It all seems so light when someone says , oh , you seem tired, aw, you still aren't feeling well? It's like, oh, things really are ok. And suddenly it seems so ridiculous to have been so worked up. I dont' like to out and out say what is really happening inside, this struggle, how big it seems to me, because it almost looks like peanuts to say it. And I try to deal with it on my own, and keep it to my own, until I feel better. I let them know in subtler ways, and the people that know me well, they know what it means.

 

But it's trickier when it is someone you haven't gotten that close to yet, who doesn't know you inside out. I don't want to overwhelm anybody. And I also want to be real. It's a tricky balance. Want to keep things positive with lots of room for things to grow, but at the same time, what must it ilook like to someon on the outside that I have a hard time interacting like I would normally do when something small happens, just getting sick or having bad dreams, just overstimulation or hearing too much bad news?

 

It's like a continual bad surprise. Oh I knew that, but, didn't realize it could still be an issue. And I wish it wasn't. Maybe I'll get there eventually. For now, let's just see what I can do about getting over this minor hump and then working at doing even better than I have come so far. That is all I can realistically do. I can not snap my fingers and make it all go away. And I need to stop expecting myself to be able to do that, out of sheer force of will. It's so much less about will and so much more about skill. I wish I had realized that earlier. The knowledge and skills are what get you there.

[Cheetarah]

IAG -

 

These past 2 weeks, I have been working on my own sleep(to, you know - sleep again), as now my son is pretty regulated for the most part. I struggle with going to bed, but I think some of it is because I want to enjoy the quiet. Even still, I am getting a bit more sleep(and more quality) night by night and feeling the difference. I am so thrown off by poor sleep, I can't tell to what degree until I actually get the rest.

 

If your weather and allergen counts have been anything like ours, I'd blame allergies. They have been brutal for me this year, much worse than I can remember in the last few years. There are days where I'm absolutely convinced I'm sick, like it's that bad it has to be some virus. But it hasn't been. Treat it like allergies for a few days(whatever you do for them, HEPA, antihistamines, nasal irrigation etc). See how you feel. If it gives you any peace of mind - This year really IS more severe than previous in terms of seasonal allergy problems, if you google it.

 

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. I know how important rest is, and especially for the anxious minded such as ourselves. Hope you're getting some shut eye.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I would like to add to that that lack of sleep just makes me an insane person. Self-regulation in any capacity gets greatly reduced. I feel for you there. It makes everything hard . But take heart it is only temporary.

 

I love the return of Fall as well! My favourite season.

 

My son has already had one cold already and it's only like the third week of school. I am making him and I take 1000 mg of vitamin C a day and when the flu shots come out we are just stampeding in there.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you so much for the support. The info about the high allergen count does help; I suspected as much, because it's not only me who has been having issues. And I normally do not get these kinds of allergies. I do have a high sensitivity to perfumes and certain chemicals, but I have never had an issue with environmental? allergies. And I do think that is what is happening.

I left work early today (well, was encouraged to and I didn't protest!) and I napped. I took some over the counter antihistamines. I actually slept! Real sleep. Already starting to feel a bit more normal.

And after a good sleep tonight, which I intend to do a lot of, maybe things will look even better.

[itsallgrand]

Time to turn off the computer for the night. And relax. And sleep.

Starting tomorrow, bye bye coffee. Except maybe a little cup in the morning. But it's time to kill this caffeine dependence once and for all.

Luckily, I've become quite taken lately with smoothies. And there is a good little smoothie shop near where I live.

I had this super random thought about coffee being almost dated. Coffee dependence. It's not, because look at the popularity of coffee shops!!

But taking caffeine in as coffee. People and their energy drinks! I don't see that many young people going for black coffee the way other generations do. And for me, it all started in high school. Late night cramming. And a small town; coffee wasn't only a drink, it was an activity lol. And that dependence carried on, with lulls and streaks, over the years. Seeing someone, and "should I put on some coffee, should we get some?".

It's just a very long habit now. Habits were meant to be broken heh. Maybe a good time to beef up the calcium intake too. Take care of these bones!

[itsallgrand]

And woke up again. Damn this.

 

Through all these years I was adamant on avoiding any medications. I've been toying with the idea of anti anxiety medication for a while now in my head. Maybe it could help. Do they? Enough to make it worth while?

 

What underpins all these other struggles in the underlying anxiety. F/king anxiety. Just to regulate myself in a normal fashion, to have my life go somewhat smoothly without a bunch of fugues of being out of commission in one sense or another, seems way more difficult and more work than is sustainable anymore. I want my full life dammit.

 

I'm going to make a doctors appointment tomorrow and talk to him about some of these things. Get checked over. What the hell is going on with me?

 

Life and my relationships are going well....I don't want to f/k things up. I can not be an anxious mess and have the life I want. The two do not go together.

 

And maybe now is a time to dip into savings and take some time off work to deal with this s/t. Like, really. Roll up my sleeves, whatever is going on here, whatever is not working in my life or that i am neglecting to do, figure it out and get it done. If it means changing big chunks of my life again, so be it.

 

The thing is, I know now what it feels like to be healthy and happy. I know what it is to not feel like there is a rock constantly hanging by your neck. I've experienced it, I've had stretches of it. And I just can't handle the thought of going back to something less now.

 

I like what it feels like to feel like you have enough energy and are really in time enough to enjoy family, friends, hobbies, working out, being in a relationship, and being able to work and see beyond what is right in front of your nose. To have dreams of the future, to feel like goals are attainable, to feel confident, joyful, content, peaceful. To be fully engaged. To not self withdraw from life because some need for self protection at being overwhelmed.

 

I'm rambling again but really, it is so lonely there. So lonely. To feel trapped in your own psyche like that. Just a few days of slipping into fatigue and semi withdrawing, and I feel horrible. And I know how that feels. It's soo familiar. There is no comfort in that place for me anymore. I do not want it on any level. I do not want the torture. And that is what it feels like. Private torture.

 

Now this is going to sound really out there. It's not something I do. But I think I am going to call my mom tomorrow too, and see if she can spend some time with me this weekend. As ridiculous as it may sound for a grown woman to say this, I want my mom. I want that right now. I want her to hold me and tell me I'm not crazy and I will get through this patch too, just like I have everything else. I want her to be there for me. The way I always wanted her to be, and she can offer now, and it's on me to ask. I know she will. Without even a question, she will. She'll make me a chicken dinner and tell me to go have a bath while she makes it. We'll drink Sleepytime tea. She'll tell me stories about the family and growing up and what i was like as a little girl, and I'll feel better because I'll remember how far I've come and how much she does love me.

 

I'll go to work tomorrow because it is too late to not go. I'll make my doctors appointment. I'll call my mom. I will contact the bf, who I can't even believe I am at this point with and its going so well!, and see if he would be willing to adjust some of our plans. I'm going to have to see him, face to face, very soon. It's been a couple of days of only texts and phone. We are supposed to see each other this weekend. I need to explain more to him, in some way that isn't too much, about this issue with me. He has observed that I am a sensitive person. He has not seen any of the dark side of that, the challenge. He knows I took a bunch of time to be single and focus on myself. He doesn't know specifics ; that it was to deal with mental health issues. What is appropriate to share, what is needed so he isn't in the dark, and what is too much? I always shared too much of these things with my partners in the past. And did too little as far as my own management. So where is the sweet spot?

 

What I do know is the only way to have the other things in my life go well is to take care of myself first. But I'm done with just focusing in on myself. There is no reason I can't do both, and that actually is part of taking care of myself. Filling the need to have vibrant, close relationships and be social and enjoy people. Intimacy needs; which I felt like I had to repress down for a long time to focus on the other more immediate ones thta I had of becoming a basically stable healthy individual.

 

Yeah, I made that mistake before. Being willing to throw away good things, or not pursue them, because of the challenges involved in balancing. Telling myself it couldn't be done before really giving it a chance. It is not fulfilling to take that path.

 

Another metamorphosis. Out of the old skin that pulls on the emerging me. She sparkles underneath all this garbage. She's just a happy, curious, lively, and loving creature. Maybe she's the real me. Maybe this other is all the illness.

[Seraphim]

Awww honey. I am sorry. even when life goes really well PTSD has to throw it's monkeywrench in there. Sigh.

[itsallgrand]

My doctor dumped me. This is becoming old hand. I find a good family doctor when they are on the rise, as they continue working on their specialization and building their practice, they take on too much, and then they end up either fading out or dumping patients. Or leaving altogether to take a new position , or to move elsewhere.

And they don't even give you warning. I went in to book my next appointment, and was told this would be the last. Nice (no). Hey, you are valuable and all, but a little consideration never hurt.

I did already get some leads from friends and got two interviews set up for a new prospect doc. Gotta do what ya gotta do.

 

Everyone was warned today, please dont bring me coffee at work. I am an addict. lol. I am going clean. Please support this. You can always bring me something else, Thanks! For some reason, everyone found this very funny. But I did only have one little cup today.

 

Going to check out a yoga class tonight. Should be good, and it's not far from my place, I can walk or bike there in a jiff.

 

Thank you Victoria. It's an insidious b/ch sometimes, this disorder. Just when you think it's all good...hello. But there is so much to fight for, to live for. And I feel like now, now, I can start to be of some real use to others who are struggling to understand what it is happening with them, to at least offer understanding and compassion. And that motivates me too. Even if all I do is maybe spot early on in someone signs, and offer a point in the right direction, it would be something. I'm still making my own way through this, but I'm not at ground zero anymore by a long shot, and I just want to pay it forward somehow.

 

I was thinking about checking out what local resources, lectures, and discussions are happening about PTSD. See what else is out there beyond my little support group of family/friends, this forum, my doctors, my therapies.

[Seraphim]

Wow, sorry to hear about your dr. It is so hard to get a doctor in Canada it's unbelievable. My dr back home kept us on even though we live a few hundred miles away. But for the most part we use a walk in clinic. And my husband uses the base medical services because that's where he has to be seen. He's only allowed to go to a civilian medical service if he's not in the area or if base medical is closed. And he doesn't hold a provincial medical card.

 

All we can do is keep living and hope they find a way to fix our mind.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I used to get pretty bummed about it. I don't know if it's good or bad, that now I just expect it. To have to be on the hunt for doctors continually.

It sucks having to use walk ins! And that's what the receptionist told me today "You will have to use a walk in after this". No offer for any info, or anything. Doctor was no better. But yeah, I accept it. And one or two hour waiting times even when I have an appointment.

It's sure not how I remember it like when I was growing up. I LIKED going to the doctor. lol. And had the same one until I left home.

 

I'm glad you get to keep your original doctor who knows you though. That's so valuable.

 

Still living!! And thank you for being here, Vic.