New Journal

[90_hour_sleep]

Going no internet for about a week, since it will be a very busy week and no time for it anyways.

And wow, did I ever binge today on it. Oy.

Procrastinating streak? Yup, some of that - and some of, I just really really needed some time to unwind and veg, and this is relaxing for me.

 

So see you all in a bit.

 

Sum going into May:

moving to a new place

dating a new guy

made many new contacts regarding work and furthering my schooling

joined a new group; my swim group, which is awesome

driving like an old pro again

changed my diet to a leaner version (this one was mostly unintentional, but still, good)

feeling overall positive and excited about the future

feeling healthier and more accessible...overall, as a person.

 

Looking forward to May.

 

Looking forward to your return...but definitely in support of your time away! Internet freedom has a bittersweetness to it sometimes. Hopefully you can embrace both facets.

 

Seems like you're on fire these days. Just rolling along with life, without much resistance. A time to celebrate the good things. Here's to your health...and your overall accessibility.

[itsallgrand]

I hurt my leg a few days ago (fell on slick pavement). It'll heal up ok, but have to take it easy for a bit. It's distracting, though. I've found myself thinking a lot, and looking for diversions.

 

It's funny, having been away for a while from my computer for the most part, I came to a sort of peace about it where I feel like I am at a healthier place with it now. It feels really good to spent real time away and not have it occupy my thoughts at all. Only a few days into spending time with it, and I'm already antsy to getting back to almost no time with it again.

 

I need to have an awkward convo with my friend. I've been thinking about it, and I have to. I've been avoiding it. But I'm a grown up and I value her friendship so much, so I can't let it get weird. It already has. It's a weird topic to have to approach with your female friend.

 

Life is pretty good. I'm at a place where...I just want to keep things moving. I find myself getting bored easily lately. Not sure what that is about. Maybe I'm just craving action, experiences, and stimulation. I sometimes feel like there was this big chunk of my life that has been spent so much on thinking, introspection, accessing, dealing with things that were already set in motion, that I simply want to experience more of the other end now. Taking more considered chances, embracing opportunities to the fullest and searching them out, enjoying what I have now, enjoying dealing with potentials and making decisions out of the mindset of things being so set in stone.

[faraday]

I want to know what you need to bring up with your friend lol. I'm nosy now!

[itsallgrand]

It's cool, faraday.

 

I need to talk to her about how she drops a lot of comments about my breasts. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around that this convo is necessary!

 

I've mostly laughed it off, and let it roll off my back, but it just keeps happening - and it seems to get worse. I've made some comments before trying to get her to understand by relating to her some comments and situations over the years where some people think it ok to comment about them randomly, and how I felt. I'm not sure if she thinks it's ok because we are such good friends, but, I don't know how else to say it now. To stop.

 

Even after where I flat out told her I was feeling objectified by some of her comments, the next time we were shopping together, as we were trying to find someone to help us Home Depot, she says "this is where you flash them your t*ts". Sigh. It's stuff like the sprinkled randomly throughout, and I wouldn't mind if it were once in a blue moon when it's really relevant , but it's not .

 

Weird thing to feel you have to talk about with your female friend, right? She is a good friend, and we get along in nearly every way, and she's normally really considerate of feelings (but with a sometimes out there sense of humour - but I can go there too). I don't know how else to explain it, it's almost like she thinks she can say whatever the hell pops into her head about them, no matter how rude or vulgar, just because. And it's starting to piss me off.

[faraday]

It's probably more to do with her than you. I take it you have big breasts?...and I'm guessing she doesn't? It's probably more to do with her feeling inadequate than her meaning to objectify you.

 

 

I'm just saying that...so that you can go into that conversation with that idea in mind. She would probably love the attention- so she doesn't understand why you don't.

 

Just my thoughts anyway.

 

It is an awkward conversation...especially since you've kind of mentioned it before. Apparently she's not good with subtle You'll have to be very direct. Good luck

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, you are right, and that's what I thought too. But then she has a great booty, and I don't, and I don't make comments like that about her behind because I think it's just rude - I'd think she'd be sick of hearing about the obvious. Plus, not to be whatever, but I don't really have body issues and never really have, and I don't get jealous when other women have great bodies - I sort of feel, well good for you! Be proud, girl! So I don't understand the insecurities, maybe?!

 

Thanks for the good luck. It's just weird. I'm sure a flat out talk about it, though awkward, will get her to back off. I don't think she's doing it to be a jerk. She probably thinks I think it's funny (sometimes it is, it's just the extent now).

[itsallgrand]

Going to try going to the park and playing with the dog today. My leg is feeling a little bit better, even though it looks really ugly. Big black and blue bruises all down my calf knee and outer thigh. Tender but the swelling that was restricting movement has gone down.

 

I'm anxious to get some exercise in.

[itsallgrand]

It's my journal. And today in my world has been about truth and reconciliation. And what that means. To different people.

Just start with truth. A discussion and listening about it.

How many people long for this.

It feels validating to me personally, and my deep feelings about how you can not have justice or reconciliation, not true, without the truth first. So many times thngs stop there; the truth is buried, distorted, and it never is openly explored.

Agendas.

And that is such a source of frustration. Generally. For me, and it's good to know, it's not confined to me.

There IS a process. A natural one.

And there's this cluster f of hidden truths in this world. Agendas.

 

But start somewhere.

 

There was a sage smudge burning from 5 this morning and will go all day. People came and went, come and go. All kinds of people. There is food. There are a lot of tears. Hugs. The whole range of human emotions. There was a march.

 

Important day.

 

And yeah, I cried a lot today. What for exactly? I did not experience it. I cry too every Remembrance Day. I was no in a war either. I've just loved people who were more closely a part of it, and it's the downstream effect. They carry over.

 

It's just the feeling of bearing witness to others pain. And hearing other people's truths. And the honor of being able to do that, how powerful and profound it all is, it makes me cry. It makes me feel connected to these people.

 

It's just human pain and we all want our stories to be known and acknowledged and to be validated...as true people.

 

Everyone, everyone, deserves that. Does anything hurt worse than feeling non existent? Ignored? Dishonored? Having what is yours taken from you and being shamed for it? Can't we all relate to that, in some way? Experienced it, in some way?

 

Some more than others. And it's hard . Thinking of these things. Trying to absorb the reality of them. But we have to.

[90_hour_sleep]

Everyone, everyone, deserves that. Does anything hurt worse than feeling non existent? Ignored? Dishonored? Having what is yours taken from you and being shamed for it? Can't we all relate to that, in some way? Experienced it, in some way?

 

Some more than others. And it's hard . Thinking of these things. Trying to absorb the reality of them. But we have to.

 

i'm glad you wrote about this today. hits close to home for me right now...mainly because of my ''backyard''. i have a feeling it's a lot closer for you though...this particular reflection. interesting how this world of words really blurs lines...lines that maybe shouldn't exist to begin with...but do nonetheless. i have to think about that.

 

i enjoy reading thoughts and reflections that are rooted in tenderness. your experience...such a powerful indication of the humanity that lives in you. the fact that you can feel...and feel so deeply. and how your experience in this life has likely shaped you into a person who is very in tune with that (even if it hasn't always been that way). silver lining almost?

 

i agree...it's not easy to think about this stuff. i'm grateful to be living where i am, with a degree of exposure that wouldn't be possible in other places perhaps. keeps the heaviness close to the heart, which is exactly where it belongs. heaviness is what inspires inspection and provokes discerning thought. what else would drive us forward in our ability to understand. more than ability...what would inspire a desire to understand. to me, that's what tenderness is so indicative of. it's that vital link that bridges the gap between subtle awareness and that desire to understand the story of another person. to hear...to witness...to care. and of course, caring is what makes room for connection. the trickle-down effect.

 

feels like a new beginning of sorts.

 

thank you for being here.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so glad you are here too, 90. And your desire to understand these things and your willingness to talk about them, it makes my heart burst honestly.

 

I never thought to be grateful for where I am because of how close it is to day to day exposure to the roots. But something clicked for me when I read what you wrote. Being close to the roots and the issues and the pains, seeing it and being in it, is what brings me close to the good stuff too. So I am grateful for it. For the totality of it and to be close to it.

 

That's something I'll have to think about. Because it opens up some other thoughts and feelings for me more generally.

 

It does feel like a new beginning of sorts. Whatever happens, I'm embracing this spirit of hope it has sparked. That feels right.

[itsallgrand]

It feels so good for it to be summer. It rained last night, and everything is so fresh and clean and green. Love it. I love too being able to walk out my door in sandles and be surrounded by all this green. Sometimes I think I would be happiest if I could live in a forest.

 

Last weeks taking of the dog to the park was such a hit that we are going again today, this time to some trails. Let him snort through some bush and roll in some mud by the river. I love hanging out with him, he's my little buddy now. It's easy to see the appeal of having a dog in your life.

 

I'd love to forget work for a while and just concentrate on studying. Don't know if or how I could do that, but I sure would love to. And I want to travel. I want to see this crazy beautiful world with my own eyes.

 

Ideally, I'll find someone to share everything with. More and more, I'm realizing how much I do actually want that.

[90_hour_sleep]

Lol. I get such a kick out of your journal sometimes. I've spent the last 3 weeks living in a travel trailer for work...and hanging out with the neighbor's dogs. They're both shelter rescues. One's a bit of a sh**...but really he just can't stand being cooped up. He's had a taste of freedom after 4 years of being kennel-ed. The other one is just a total sweetheart. The kicks...I can see the appeal too.

 

Why can't you work less and study more? What's holding you back? What are the practicalities? More and more, I'm realizing less work isn't such a problem. I think I'm actually a reforming workaholic. I get plenty of life satisfaction form being productive...and useful...but I think it'd be nice to balance that out in other areas. I don't want to forever have my identity linked with how productive I am.

 

Travel: Wanna come to South America? I'm leaving September 15.

 

Mmmm...squishy barefoot wanderings in the woods. Moss. God I love the moss. I think you owe it to yourself to try living in the forest for a period of time!!

[itsallgrand]

Yeah exactly, I've been thinking about it all day. Why can't I? No reason that I couldn't find some way to work it.

It's just years of having it in brain "you can't do this, you can't do that, don't even entertain it, no".

So I'm really glad for the encouragement and soak it all in any time I get it! It's good for me to be continually reminded, and I keep reminding myself, that I don't have to think that way, and the only thing really holding me back in anything IS the thinking that way.

 

I think I owe it to myself to do EVERYTHING my little heart desires now! haha. Not in a 'throw the baby out with the bathwater' kind of way, but as a celebration of the fact that I can and I deserve to follow the pursuit of happiness as much as the next guy/woman.

 

I'm glad you are a reforming workaholic. I really am. I am heading in that direction. Totally feel it in my bones. Like you said, I feel that constriction now and I'm so aware now when there is too much work in the picture, and I feel things I probably suppressed before, about wanting much more than that for my life.

 

I'm so excited to hear of your trip to South America! I'm so curious now...I want details!

[90_hour_sleep]

Yeah exactly, I've been thinking about it all day. Why can't I? No reason that I couldn't find some way to work it.

It's just years of having it in brain "you can't do this, you can't do that, don't even entertain it, no".

 

Just one of those processes, right? Gotta keep going back to it...just like the workaholic reform. I keep slipping back into work mode. These opportunities come up, and I feel like if I turn them down, then there won't be others. Do you ever feel like that? There's a bit of ''brain noise'' in there, I think. Bad assumptions. Challenging old thought patterns isn't easy. I'm starting to notice that it's best to do some examination any time the anxiety kicks in. It's like a cattle prod, that anxiety. ''Hey...you feel that? How 'bout now? No?'' Hahahah

 

Glad you're able to feel when it's not working. I'm getting there too...slowly but surely. Feels like a big step in the right direction to just know when it's too much...to know when a limit has been reached...even when I just glaze right over it. I still tend to over-extend...but at some point the self-awareness has to start paying dividends, doesn't it? It's the most socially-accepted addiction I think...working too much. Craziness.

 

Funny story about South America...as we're talking about work. I was ramping up for a big job up north...way up north. Was pretty excited about arctic circle summer...and then arctic circle winter (and lots and lots of those sweet, sweet dollar bills). Well...the job flopped. And that same day, a friend asked for probably the third time if I'd like to join her for some southern adventures. Yes. Yes. Yes. Impulsive. Out of character. It scares me...a lot lol. But I think it's another step on the path of challenging my perceptions. Don't know much yet...not even sure how long I'm staying. Have some plans coming together...sort of...but it's still pretty open-ended. Any suggestions on learning Spanish??

[itsallgrand]

I keep slipping back into work mode. These opportunities come up, and I feel like if I turn them down, then there won't be others. Do you ever feel like that?

 

Yes, sometimes I feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I do not have a right/choice in turning down offers. Take what I can get because what if someone thinks I'm lazy or think too highly of myself. It's something I've been looking at in my own thinking, and where it comes from. It is coming up more as I DO turn down more offers, ask for time that I want or need off, and have been risking standing out more when it comes to going for what I want in work. Even if it means losing some work, maybe even being without. That to turn down honest work in any circumstnace says X Y Z about a person. All kinds of beliefs bundled up in it. Handed down beliefs and what to me feels like, something and someones pounded me down. It's not my beliefs. It's not my thinking. It's someone else's. That's how I feel about that.

And they apply to work and opportunity; but not relationships and not other aspects of my life. It's weird. I think the 'beating' only really stuck on this front, and I'm starting to understand how and why.

 

Changing old thought processes isn't easy. It really isn't. But it's worth it. And just being in it, makes me feel better. Even when I don't feel better all the time. I know it's worth something . So I'll stay at it. It opens things up. Gets me closer to me being 100% me.

 

Yeah, I've noticed the anxiety being a cattle prod too lol. I liked that analogy. It's funny how you can work and work it, and yet, still miss the signals sometimes.

In this last little bit, I've been having some times where I'm lying in bed and this anxiety grips me and I wonder where it's coming from, but when I think about it, I know all the times I missed paying attention to the smaller anxieties/ signals to do something different about something. Sometimes it's just from having fuller awareness of what is actually going on. Like seeing my situation clearly and my role in it.

 

Maybe it's good that job up North flopped, eh? It would have been good money, but it also is probably something you have a good idea of what it would be like living and working there. South America is new, and different, and scary. And I found it so refreshing that you said that so simply: I'm scared. But going to do it anyways, and excited! I'm excited for you.

 

I've been scared quite a bit lately, but maybe that's good. It's not the kind of scared that I know too well, the kind of paralyzing scared. It's the healthy "well I dont all know what is going to happen and what all this is" scared. The "I'm taking a risk I wanna take,weeee" scared.

 

I don't speak Spanish!! haha. I can pick up bits and pieces when people are speaking, because it's close enough sometimes to words I know. But I think you should hang out with Spanish speaking people!! That's the best way I know to pick up language quickly and the most naturally.

[itsallgrand]

Aaargggh. So grouchy today. Not taking it out on the outside world, but still!

Didn't get enough sleep, got woken up extra early to come in to work and solve problems, and just want to roll over and growl and be stroked and told 'aww, it's alright, get some sleep b'.

You know how when nothing anything anyone says or does feels right? yeah, like that.

And when you feel a little bit sick, cause your body just so wants sleep? yeah, like that.

And you make a really stupid mistake, cause you are space cadet? yeah, like that.

 

The funny thing is, yesterday was a really great day. I got a lot of exercise, had fun, relaxed.

 

Then today I feel like a sack of poop.

 

I just don't want to be here right now. And I just don't care about this right now.

 

I want to be snuggled up in my covers, going ahhhhhhh, waking up and being happy cause all I gotta do today is at my leisure.

 

Man, am I glad I booked off the weekend to go to the lake !!! Hurry up and get here faster!! haha.

[Seraphim]

I hear ya! I hear ya!

[90_hour_sleep]

This isn't quite as upbeat as Alex Cuba...but there's something soothing about it, I found. I found it better with headphones. Wandered around smelling things and trying to feel life's vibrations. Sometimes you just gotta feel like a sack of poop though...cut off from the vibrations. I laughed when I read that, by the way. Funny how it can change...the moods...the feelings. How a great day can transition into a poopy one. Does anything last? It'll be Friday before ya know it. Enjoy the lake. ''It's alright...get some sleep, b.''

 

[video=youtube;9tT4DYnMfPM] ]

[LikeWater]

This is how my life seems to go, so I completely feel you on this. Like it just seems that every time I have a really good day, the following day is just s**t. Thankfully, it also works in reverse, so hopefully today has been good to you. I haven't dropped in here in a while or really visited this site much at all, but I just wanted to see how you're doing and say, "hi" I suppose. Have fun at the lake this weekend!

[itsallgrand]

Thank you for the kindness.

Turns out it was the start of a flu. I felt physically worse yesterday, and not so great today either. But the good news is I have the rest of today to just be sick at home.

I can sleep, and maybe watch a few shows I've been wanting to watch. Downloading "what we do in the shadows". Several people mentioned to me they thought I would like it, so we'll see. Looks goofy and funny.

 

That music, 90, is soothing. It hits the right places in my brain, like certain music does, that sends that 'ahhhh' feeling down my body. Like brain food, nourishment. Just feels good.

 

LikeWater...HI!! I'm doing pretty good. Ups and downs like everyone else, but, overall life is good.

How have things been for you?

I know you don't come on here very often at all anymore, but still, it was/is nice to hear from you. Someone I always like seeing when they pop up from time to time.

 

Going to the lake even if I'm still sick then lol.

[itsallgrand]

I've been so sick. Nasty little thing that is slow, and gotten worse every day. I didn't even try and get up for work today. I called last night, they told me 'yeah, don't come in!", and that was that.

Today feels like maybe it is hitting its peak, and will start to get better. ? I hope.

 

Another one of our party who was supposed to go to the lake has the same thing and is curled up at home too.

 

They arranged for us to have the cabin next weekend instead, so I'm super happy about that! My people rock. I was determined to go no matter what, but, I don't even feel good enough to leave home today honestly. And it would not be nearly as much fun shivering and being my gross sick self instead of being able to swim, and hike, and stay up laughing and talking all night. I was starting to dread the idea - but I didn't want to miss out either!

 

I feel physically nasty, but I'm lucky. I have people in my life who care and who look out for me.

 

I was thinking about it last night, in my bed alone, sick as a dog and getting up all through the night to run to the bathroom. I was thinking about what it means to be alone and what it means to be with people. It's not some clean divide. I feel the people in my life and that support throughout my days, even when alone.

 

I didn't have to be alone last night. But I chose to. And not because I was trying to be 'tough' this time. I just knew I would be ok, I had what I needed, and I knew there was somebody there, at the touch of a button or a phone call, if I really did not want to be alone anymore or needed anything. I know they will call, or get a hold of me, and they know I will get in touch with them too.

 

I felt so secure. Beautiful support. I'll take it! And I'm appreciative of it. And of other people's company. Sometimes, you just want that - to be with someone you like.

 

This is a change. It's a change from my push and pull. Leave me alone. Take care of me. There was this insecurity about being wanted and accepted exactly as I am.

 

It is all getting so much easier. It's funny how being single has been the thing to help me feel closer to people, and has given me the sense of space and safety I have needed to fully feel my desire to have close relationships on all the levels.

[imsuperman]

Hope you feel better.

 

I agree it's nice to have people in life that care, but I feel like most of mine are family. I think I'm to the point now where I kind of feel available for a relationship just for the companionship aspect of it.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks.

 

It hasn't been a fun little while. But I don't feel quite as poorly as I did last night.

 

Most of my core people are family too, and a few very good friends.

There are others, but these are the people I can really depend on.

 

Imsuperman, I think you have a lot to offer and I think you are ready to date! You remind me of myself in that you have gotten so comfortable being single, that it takes actually getting lonely to want to try dating again.

 

It's a loneliness for that particular kind of companionship, for me. I feel it keenly these days. The guy I was seeing...it has kind of veered off into a buddy situation. Which is ok and feels right with him. But it did bring up a lot of feelings for me about what i actually am wanting and missing.

[imsuperman]

Thank you, that's nice of you to say. Don't know if it's true, but it's nice lol.

 

It's funny because I only start getting lonely on the weekends. During the week, I'm busy with work and the gym, but when I get home Friday night, and all throught the weekend, it's kind of like ".........."

 

I feel more confident in myself now that I'm in a career etc, but I feel like I'm also kind of wasting what is a really great time in my life because there's not anyone to really enjoy it with. And maybe it will just be that way. I have an aunt that never married or had any kids. I don't know what or how much of it I'm cut out for, really. I spent all those years working on myself, trying to make myself better, and sometimes it feels like once I finally felt like I fit in, the world just kind of nodded, shrugged, and spun on like nothing changed.

 

But I am compelled to try now.

[itsallgrand]

Seems to me we are in the same boat. I feel the same way. "the world just kind of nodded, shrugged, and spun on like nothing changed". I know that feeling!!

I've put a lot of years into working on myself. I'm proud of it. And I hate to think of where I'd be right now if I hadn't.

But yes. The world doesn't stop to give a great big pat on the back for doing it. I don't know if I expected that; I don't think I did. And I mean, there's always more to go. But it was and is startling just how little the world and the vast majority of people encountered in life actually care about it. It really brings home what I've heard people say all along "the world don't give a damn, they are thinking of their own little lives, same as you, so make your choices based on what you REALLY want!". And I do try to. Gotta look in that mirror every day and live with it. Better make it honest, eh?

 

I'm glad you are compelled to try ...finding your counterpart. I am too.

 

Sort of feeling, to hell with it. Might as well have fun with it. I worked this hard to get here. I do want SOMEONE who can appreciate what I all have to offer. And I know I have something of worth to offer ; I don't feel embarrassed to say that now. I used to feel embarrassed to own that so bluntly before. I've been thinking differently about that lately. I think I was holding myself back with that.