Stepping off the roller coaster

[sentencedtoagony]

My relationship with my on and off girlfriend of two years has finally ended, I think. I am not happy about it in the least. I am crushed, wounded, but trying to move on. I have a lot on my mind about it, so I'll post it here.

 

The final straw was I saw her holding a guy's hands, almost in position to kiss. She didn't know I saw this. She had left me a note that she needed a night alone, so I decided to go out with some friends. That is when I saw her and I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I really loved this girl. I've done everything in my power to be good to her. No doubt, I wasn't perfect and she would have a different story to tell. But, I feel like the consensus amongst my family and friends is that I went above and beyond for her.

 

Of course, her family and friends think I am a monster. Why? Because she told them I am. Because she played the victim as she was a pro at doing, even when she did something wrong.

 

Example: We lived together for about six months. Prior to moving in together, she decided she needed "space" which equated to her getting back with her ex. At this point, we had been together about 4 or 5 months. I was devastated, but I started moving on. Then one day she popped back into my life like nothing ever happened. I fell for it, but I made it very clear that for this relationship to work, she needed to be over him, 100% my woman, and cut off contact with him. She agreed. We re-cultivated the relationship and started over. Then decided to move in together. We were both really excited about it. So, halfway through our lease, after what seemed like a great time together, she stopped having sex with me. She told me sex is not part of a relationship. I was devastated and shocked. It seemed utterly absurd. We barely talked for a few days. We talked about counseling. She said she only would with her co-worker, who was also a part time relationship therapist. I said it's a conflict of interest and awkward to have a co-worker (a subordinate, even) advise us on our relationship issues. I said we need someone neutral. Then she said she thought she needed to leave the relationship to work on herself. So I started going to therapy by myself. I told the therapist the whole story of the relationship. I wanted to try and make it work. My ex -- I'll call her C -- thought it would be smart to have her ex come and pick her up one night. She said that I was being mean to her when really all I was doing was trying to get her to open up and discuss the relationship. She said I cornered her and was scary and irate. I feel like her whole perception was distorted (as it has been many times). I never raised my voice, I never made threatening gestures, I didn't even say anything mean. In fact, I was practically in tears of desperation. Anyway, she decided to get her ex to pick her up; she told me it was "a friend." I was distraught and angry. I felt betrayed in a major way. I was triggered. Here she was doing the same thing again. Then, I look at the phone records that very same night and she had been texting him for several days. She sent the first text; she initiated contact. The terms of the relationship had been violated and she had already left me once before for him. So, I gathered all of her things and put them in a big pile by the front door. I admit I threw some of them. The next morning she came by and was enraged that I threw all her things in a pile. It was all about her stuff. It wasn't about the betrayal, or the fact that she was disengaging from the relationship while I was trying to make it work. She again, as many times, made herself the victim. I was mean in her eyes. I destroyed her stuff (even though nothing was broken). She got her boss, her male co-worker, her friends, her whole family involved portraying me as the villain.

 

A month later, after I found a new tenant to take over the lease, moved out all my belongings, found a new place at twice the price, tried to talk sense into C, went NC for 3 weeks, she starts texting me. This time, she doesn't act like it's all OK. Now, she acts like I need to swallow my pride and apologize for reacting the way I did. It was all innocent to her. I was scary to her (which I still don't understand) and she was looking for a way out. Her ex just happened to be nearby she said. It all just doesn't add up to me now, nor did it really then. It sounds like she has a carefully constructed story to make herself the one who got hurt. But, as always, because I loved her, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We got back together for a third round of the relationship. But this time she was never as engaging as she had been before. She kept a separate life from me. I was no longer allowed at work, with any of her friends, and it was months before I talked with any family members who all viewed me as a jerk and thought I was terrible to her.

 

This brings us almost to what is current. She started needing "space" all the time. This of course triggered me because the first time she said that to me she got back with her ex. But I tried to deal with it and assume the best of her. She started coming to therapy with me. It seemed like now the relationship was a mountain. The baggage just kept piling on. Her defensiveness was higher than ever. And it was all damaging me. It was like I was 40% the boyfriend to her now compared to what I once was.

 

Anyway, one night she needed space again. And I saw her holding the guys' hands. She always said flirting was normal and would never respect my wishes for her to stop. She said I was too jealous and she's been that way since she was five years old. She said that's just how she connects to people, by touching them.

 

Maybe it was all innocent, maybe she really felt like the victim all along. But I don't know how I or anyone could have been a better man to her. I gave her every bit of my patience and love, even beyond what I thought I was capable of. And all I am to her, her family, her "friends" is a jerk.

 

I still love her. I just hope she'll change, that she'll learn how to be my girlfriend and treat me with respect. It's silly, I know. I was never so in love with someone. She was my dream girl at the beginning, my nightmare at the end.

 

I know worse things could have happened. I could have walked in on her having sex with someone in my bed. She could have vandalized my home while I was at work.

 

Maybe to some these seem like minor things. But I feel like she crapped on my love for her, over and over. Whether or not she did it with malicious intent, I still don't know. I know she has serious issues and has not really done anything to deal with them. I think that's why I still love her. I forgive her because she was dealt some bad cards in life. But, at some point, she seems like she just doesn't care or that it's too much work to change for the better. I excuse, I understand, I offer support, but I also suffer and hurt. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

I like to stick with something until I succeed, that's how determined and persistent I am. But, perhaps, in matters of love/relationships, both parties have to have equally strong persistence.

 

I'm trying to think breaking up was right. Even now I still want to be with her and wonder how I could have made it all play out better, how we could still be together, how she wouldn't think so poorly of me, how she'd want to honor me by stopping flirting, having poor boundaries, etc.

 

I'm a wreck. I love her.

[sentencedtoagony]

The truth is I'm a chump. I'm a loser. She is better than me. She is out of my league. I was interested in her and she wasn't interested in me. That's what it all comes down to. I tried rationalizing it that it was all due to some personal problems of hers, but in reality I just wasn't cool enough, sexy enough, masculine enough, strong enough, etc. She's got a bunch of guys swarming around her now and she wants the option to play with all of them because they are all better options than I am. I am an idiot for thinking she was ever really into me. It's the harsh reality of it all and I was blind to it for so long. I guess I have to stop being a little b--ch and accept that I just got played for 2 years. The hurt girl with too much on her plate to handle a relationship was all just some BS to let me down without saying "You suck!" What a fool I was!

 

I simply wasn't worth it to her. She didn't value me. She didn't respect me. She didn't love me. Maybe she tried lying to herself about it. If I meant something to her, she'd be doing everything to keep me around. But instead she was full of excuses.

 

It's a harsh reality I have to finally accept. I was living in a fu--ing bubble. 100% genuine sucker-chump-fool!image removed