A long read: It wont happen, will it?

[r0ckox]

It's the truth. Love / relationships just won't ever come my way. I've felt like that since I was a kid, watching all my friends get into relationships with girls. I've never had a legit relationship my entire life, and now that I'm 25 and getting closer to 30, I just feel like it won't ever happen.

 

I'll provide a break-down of all my past experiences, and hopefully you guys can tell me something that I'm not seeing.

 

This is going to be long, so if you've got some time to kill - this will help lol. I started writing this at 10:00am, and it's now 2:45pm.

 

My first encounter with a girl (more than friend material) was Girl E.

I was 14 at the time and was attending a travel camp over the summer. She's not the first girl I liked, but the first girl I had a legit shot with.

She was my age, but far more experienced in life than I was. She had been smoking, drinking, trying drugs, had sex, and did so many things that I never even attempted at the time.

She came on really strong from the get-go, and I wasn't comfortable with it. The second day of camp, she had made out with a guy in front of everyone just to get a rise out of people I assume, and I immediately labeled her the * * * * ty type.

After that, she had been trying to get my attention and get physical with me, despite the way I'd close out and wouldn't do anything.

She used to try and get me to play this game called "The nervous game" - it's where she'll touch you (and vice versa) in different spots, asking if you're nervous, and if you said no, she'd move to other more intimate spots. I always tried to play it off like I wasn't, but was indeed nervous at the second she'd look at me.

As soon as she'd touch me, didn't matter where, I'd get hard and thought it was embarrassing, so I'd try and hide it and would then avoid her. (I remember one time, one of her friends was talking to her, telling her about a guy she'd hooked up with, and she said "We were making out and all of a sudden he pokes me! Who the hell gets hard when making out?" - So that's why I was embarrassed about getting hard when Girl E barely even touch me.)

She ended up getting kicked out of camp, and had a couple days notice. She asked me to date her for those couple of days but I saw no point in it and turned her away.

Never saw her again.

 

Then there was Girl J. She, too was a girl I had known at camp. She made it clear from the beginning she liked a friend of mine, and secretly, I liked her. She was "out of my league" as I had thought, as she was what most guys would define as "hot". She was also very nice and had a decent head on her shoulders. The reason I say out of my league was due to my lack of experience. I knew she wouldn't be happy with me, as I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Throughout the entire summer, I had liked her, but kept it quiet as she was dating my friend.

I vented to my friend that I felt like I was never going to get a girlfriend, and he pretty much begged her (not knowing I liked her, or maybe he did - i don't recall) to date me the last week of camp. This crushed me, as I knew he was doing it out of pity for me and I didn't want to have to be looked at that way. He had to ask his girl to date me?!? Are you serious?

Of course, she said "No!" and I couldn't even look at her after that.

 

After her, and after camp, nothing went on for a couple of years. There were girls in school I was attracted to, but never talked to. I'd notice girls looking at me, and I'd ask my friends what they thought, but they told me "maybe they just think you're weird? Idk."

I'd never call myself weird, I was quiet. Not experienced. I didn't know how to just walk up to a pretty girl and start talking to her.

 

So then I hit 16. I started drinking and smoking pot and I really came out of my shell for the most part. Things started picking up for me. I was making friends, and making headway. I thought good of myself.

 

In walks Girl B.

Girl B was a long distance girl from Florida, who I had initially met through a friend of mine I played an online game with. They liked each other forever, but were also like brother and sister, so nothing happened between them. Some how, she had gotten my AIM screen name and added it to her buddy list.

Randomly, out of the blue a year or so later, she IMs me asking me "So do you have a boyfriend?" claiming that she thought she IMed a friend of hers.

After that, we hit it off well. Talked every night, laughed all the time, confessed feelings for one-another. etc etc. We became "official" (long distance official anyway) and kept it that way for a good 6 months or so, until she got tired of waiting around for us to meet in person, and eventually "cheated" on me with some guy. This devistated me. She was the first girl I ever told "I love you" to. For the first 6 months, we were one of those stupid lovey-dovey type couples everybody hates.... with the exception that it was just a long distance thing.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I was something to somebody.

I tried to get her to understand that because we were so young, we didn't have the money needed to be able to take vacations and meet up with each other. It was just too hard...I wanted to meet her... she just couldn't wait.

I had no problem waiting. I wanted to make it work.

We broke up shortly after, and continued to have an on/off thing for the next few years.

To this day, we still talk on occasion. She's married and has a kid, now. Just recently we talked about finally meeting up, but we randomly stopped speaking and I've lost her number.

 

Along comes Girl H.

A buddy of mine and myself went out to the village, which at the time was the hot spot for people our age, to look for some weed. We stopped at Burger King, where friends of ours worked, and we were asking around to see where we could get some. Girl H was with a friend of hers, and apparently they were looking, too.

After we didn't find anything, we left to walk around the rest of the town.

I noticed Girl H at BK, but didn't say anything.

As we were walking, I noticed they were following us... so we caught up with them to see what they were up to & if they knew anyone we could get something from.

She showed interest right away, and within 20 minutes I had gotten her number and we made plans to hang out for the next day.

My buddy told me I was "lucky as hell" that she just fell into my lap like that.

So we hung out the next day, and I brought a different friend with me this time.

I wasn't comfortable with Girl H yet, as we just met, so I wasn't planning on making a move on her. My buddy told her to make a move on me, instead. She did, and we spent the next few hours all over each other.

I was a little mad at my friend for this, even though it turned out to be a good move, because I felt like he should have stayed out of it and just let me take my time.

But whatever.

 

Later on that week, the 3 of us hung out a couple more times, and we were all joking around with each other.. when my friend blurted out "You don't even have the balls to ask this girl out!" right infront of her. So, to show that I did - I asked her out. (Asking her out = to be my girlfriend)

She said yes. In my head, I was sure she said yes just because the whole thing was put on the spot like that, but a yes is a yes in my book.

We continued to "date" (which was really just drinking, smoking, hooking up, and me losing my v-card to her) for the next month.

Towards the end of the month, she told me she would be going away for the rest of the summer, and wanted to "take a break" because it was pointless to remain together while we were at a distance.

She told me I could do whatever I wanted with other girls, and I told her she could do the same with guys, and we split. It was 100% mutual. She told me she liked me a lot, and wanted to hook back up when she returned after summer break.

I agreed.

 

Nothing went on during the rest of the summer. I don't recall having any other chances with anyone.

 

When Girl H arrived back into town, I wasn't able to see her for a couple of months due to family problems - So I didn't go out at all.

When we finally saw each other, we hooked up here and there, but never "officially" hooked back up.

We hooked up on/off for the next couple of years - meeting at parties, drinking every now and then and whatnot... and then she ended up going to rehab and was a completely different person, and rarely spoke to me.

 

In walks Girl G.

Girl G was a friend of Girl H, that I had met when we first "dated". At the time, I wasn't too attracted to Girl G, but thought she was a cool girl. I liked her style and thought she'd be an awesome friend.

After Girl G found out that me and Girl H split, she started coming on pretty strong. She'd see me in the village and run up and give me a 10 minute long hug, constantly, would sit on my lap whenever we sat down, was literally all over me. I was confused because she was seeing someone at the time, but liked the attention so I didn't say anything about it.

Eventually she'd talk to me on the computer when we weren't hanging out in the village, and made it clear a number of times she wanted to have sex with me, and had a crush on me.

One night, we bumped into each other in the village, and after the usual her being all over me type thing went on, we were standing outside smoking, and she hugged me for about 20 minutes as she was waiting for her ride to show up.

She ended up making a move and kissed me on the lips when we ride arrived, and then made a comment "God, I hope nobody saw that.." and ran away.

For some reason, in my head, I thought it was a shot at me... like "God, I hope nobody saw I kissed him" or something, and since then - I just haven't been able to look at her the same.

 

We never saw much of eachother after that, here and there we'd bump into one-another, but it was always weird and uncomfortable.

 

She's pregnant now.

 

Girl S.

I met Girl S through my friend that dared me to ask out Girl H. I had been having a couple people over my mother's house over the weekends at the time. We were now 17 and the thing to do every weekend was party. (get high, pop pills, drink, blah blah blah)

So I invited my buddy to join our shindig, and he asked if he could bring a girl. I wanted it to be just a guy's thing, but I allowed him to bring the chick anyway, because he wasn't going to show up if he couldn't bring her.

So he shows up with Girl S. Girl S, I was immediately attracted to. I thought she was even too hot for him, let alone myself.

But nonetheless, I got to sit there and watch them hook up all night, and it made the whole thing uncomfortable.

After my pal left to use the bathroom, she started hitting on me. (This was during one of my "on" times with Girl B, btw)

I felt it was classless of her to hook up with my friend, then when he leaves the room, try and get my attention, so I didn't express any interest... despite how physically attracted to her I was.

Low and behold, she got stupid drunk, and went on my computer and started talking to Girl B... and it caused drama between us.

She ended up adding her screen name to my buddy list and told me to talk to her the next day. As classless as I thought she was, I wasn't completely opposed. I knew things weren't going to last between Girl B and myself, anyway. (it didn't. We broke up again a month later)

 

So as time went on, we talked here and there. She expressed interest and told me she had a huge crush on me and wanted to be more than friends.

I had set up a time for us to hang out, in a group setting - because I wasn't comfortable hanging out with her 1-on-1 yet. When we met up, we were all hanging out in the village, and she left to go get coffee with a friend of hers.

We had no ride home for the night, and 2 of my friends pulled up in a car and told us if we joined them to go smoke, they'd give us a ride home. (part of my group; a friend who was staying over that night)

So it was either hang out with Girl S and get stuck in the village, or leave to go hang out with another group and have a guaranteed ride home. We only had 2 seconds to make the decision, as they were pulling out of the parking lot and would be gone... they weren't going to wait for us. There wasn't enough room in the car to bring Girl S and her friend(s), so asking her to join would've cramped the car even more. There was barely enough room for myself and my pal.

We took the ride home. None of my friends wanted to stay in the village and hang out and do nothing, so I went along with it.

I didn't have Girl S's number, so I couldn't get in touch with her to tell her what was going on.

So we hopped in the car and left.

As we were pulling off, I noticed Girl S walking back to where we were, and she saw me in the car & gave me a dirty look.

I don't blame her.

We didn't speak again until randomly bumping into each other here and there a few years later, which was only a brief "how are you" type thing.

 

Along comes Girl A.

At this point, I was 17 and had just moved out of town because my father got remarried. I was pretty much isolated in a new town and didn't know anything or anyone, so I went online to try and find some people who were local that I could hang out with to fill that empty void.

I wasn't exactly looking for a girlfriend or anything, but it would be nice if I had lucked out and met a decent girl.

 

So I come accross Girl A's page on some website. Immediately I was drawn to her picture. it was just a headshot, and after reading her profile.. I knew I just had to meet her. So I messaged her and complimented her, and as luck would have it, she responded back positively. We moved the conversation onto AIM and within a couple of weeks, agreed to meet in person. She lived an hour away, but her best friend at the time worked in the village that I speak of often, so we agreed to meet there.

It was obvious that we both liked each other, even though neither of us said anything.

So we met in person, and we spent the night walking around the village, and overall I think we both enjoyed it.

During the night, out of the blue she made a move and kissed me. I was a little taken back because I wasn't expecting it, but went along with it anyway.

We spent the rest of the night in her friends car making out. lol.

After a few weeks of talking, I asked her to make things "official" between us and we started "dating" - which at the time, wasn't a real relationship or anything. We were 17 year old kids who lived an hour apart, and neither one of us had cars.

So we'd hang out on the weekends whenever we could. She'd come to the village, and I'd walk there from my friends houses.

After a while, I realized that I liked this girl waaayyyy too much, and started looking for a reason to break things off with her.

Most of that was kept inside my head, and my actions spoke otherwise to her. To her, I treated her like crap, but to me.. I was just scared and didn't want to end up getting hurt. If you couldn't tell by now, I'm uncomfortable in relationship type situations and freeze up.

So one day, I was hanging out with my family, and she was constantly calling and texting me. She wasn't calling to talk to me, but rather was doing so to be annoying.

She'd burp in the phone, turn the music in her friends car up extremely loud and scream into the phone, and was acting extremely immature.

I hung up on her a couple of times, hoping she'd get the hint to leave me alone, but she continued to harass me. So, that was my way out.. what I had been looking for.

I broke it off with her via text, angrily because I was so annoyed at how she was acting, and that was that.

She didn't put up much of a fight, and we didn't speak for a good 6 months or so.

She ended up coming back, but I'll get into that a little later.

 

Next is Girl J.

I forget exactly how we met, probably hanging out in the village, but when I had hit 18, she had been literally all over me. Every time we met, just like Girl G used to do, she'd hang on me and give me hugs that lasted forever. She made it perfectly clear that she was into me.

I took her out a couple of times, mostly to get food and go to the movies - where she'd spend the entire movie hanging all over me while we watched. I knew she liked me, but for some reason I just couldn't make a move to kiss her or anything. Now that I look back on it, I see all the opportunities I had, and just never did it. I was scared. I don't know why I was, but I was.

I remember clearly one night after seeing a movie, after the movie had ended she literally sprinted to the car, while I walked slowly behind. I was confused and didn't know what was going on with her, as she didn't mention being upset or anything that night. I didn't say anything either about how weird I thought that was, and I figured she just wanted to go home and be done with the night. So I asked her if she wanted to do something else, and she asked me to drop her off.

She seemed upset.

It was awkward.

When we got to her house, she leaned in for a kiss and I gave her my cheek because I didn't think THAT would have been the time to kiss her, that's usually how we ended our nights anyway... a kiss on the cheek. She rushed out of the car and ran into the house.

She briefly talked to me on the computer after that, but it was weird and awkward and I had no idea how she was feeling, or what to say to her or anything.

We stopped talking shortly after.

 

During the time spent with Girl J, I had received a phone call from Girl A completely out of the blue.

This had been a good 6 months or so after we broke up. I was so shocked to hear from her, I didn't know what to say except for "Wow, I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again..." to which she replied, "Obviously I can't forget about you. I want you in my life." and from there we began to rebuild a friendship-type thing.

(The only reason I'm telling about this now, is because it has to do with the timeline.)

We agreed to meet up after a couple of weeks of back and forth BS'ing / catching up.

 

She didn't mention anything about seeing someone, and never asked me if I was seeing anybody - but when we met up for the first time, she was bartending at a bar by her house. I was 20 or so, at the time.

She got me in the bar without ID, and I spent most of the time at the pool table with a friend of mine. When she had time, she'd come over and quickly BS with us for a few minutes, and we ended up taking a picture together and all that stuff.

After a few drinks, and when the night was over - she gave me a kiss goodbye. I didn't understand it... this girl thought I treated her like complete crap and here she was wanting it back? I had no idea what to do. So i waited it out.

 

A week or so later, I found her on Myspace - and saw she had a boyfriend. Shocked, I kept my distance after that, despite the interest she continued to show me.

I didn't want to get mixed up in a stupid triangle or be the reason somebody gets hurt.

 

In comes Girl J again.

I was with a buddy of mine and we were drinking, looking for stuff to do in the village. I randomly bumped into Girl J and her friend. She joined us, and after a few drinks began to open up a little bit... telling me that she thought I rejected her that night I gave her my cheek instead of a real kiss. She thought I didn't like her, and went on to tell me how much she liked me and all this.

I assured her that wasn't the case, that I was just confused. I did like her.

She started hanging onto me again, and I figured if I was going to get involved, I was going to do it right.... until I found out later that day, she had a boyfriend.

After that, she was spending an awful lot of time with me, hanging around me, being all over me... but then she'd call her bf and tell him she misses him. She spent more time with me than her boyfriend... even spent their 1-year anniversary with me. It was an awful experience for me. I liked her. One night we were planning on going out to a pool hall / club thing, a whole group of us, and we stopped by a friend's house first.. where his girl decided to dress her up and change her style to make her look more 'sexy'. She claims she did that for me.

While we were at the place, she was dancing all over me, being all over me and whatnot.. and the girl who dressed her up asked her to come talk to her, as she saw it was killing me.

She asked her what was going on between us and found it confusing that she claims to like me an awful lot, but refuses to break up with her boyfriend.

Eventually, she sent me an email explaining to me that she loves her boyfriend and this isn't right between us, and asked if we could stop talking.

I agreed, knowing that she'd never leave her bf for me... and that was that.

I was crushed, and it took me about 2 years to get over.

She broke up with him shortly after and moved to the city. (we're from Long island)

I rarely see or speak to her nowadays.

 

Next is Girl N.

Girl N, I met in the village at random. I was 20 and she was younger. She couldn't buy cigarettes and randomly asked me to get her some. I noticed that she'd stand uncomfortably close to me when talking to me, and I got the sense there was some attraction on her end. There was some on mine, too.. but she was young and had a reputation of getting around, and it wasn't something I really wanted to waste my time in.

After bumping into each other like this on a few occasions, my friend's starting noticing that she may have had a thing for me, and pushed me to try and do something about it.

I got ahold of her via the internet, and asked her if she was interested in hanging out sometime. She gave me a round-about push-off type answer, and I assumed she wasn't really into it. Confusing, because everyone under the sun thought she liked me.

So I brushed it off, and kind of left it alone.

 

A few months later, I was at a buddy's place for a little get together, and a friend shows up with Girl N. I know the two of them were hooking up / sleeping with eachother / whatever, as he had told me so previously, but for some reason - we hit it off extremely well that night. We had a great time, and from there.. we spent a lot of time together.

She went on to tell me she didn't know "how cool I was" when I had first asked her to hang out, so she wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not, but then saw that I was an "awesome person to be around."

I'd bring her to one of my old spots and we'd drink beers and listen to music and BS all night.

After she'd get drunk, she'd start getting physical and would start putting on strip-tease shows for me, and the friend that brought her to the get-together.

A couple of times when we were alone together, she'd briefly move in for a kiss on the lips, but would hesitate when I'd try to initiate it further. It would just be a quick peck and it was teasing, so naturally I tried to progress it. She'd pull back and give a nervous laugh and it made me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what to do about it. She was confusing me. I dind't want to force anything on her, so I just figured if she wanted to progress, she'd let me know.

 

She was also hooking up with my friend at the time, too.

 

During this time, I had met Girl S2.

My friend, (the same friend Girl N was hooking up with) introduced me to her. He was hooking up with her, as well. We went to her house for a party and it was clear she was interested in me. She spent most of the night with me, BSing with me and getting to know one-another. It started to bother my friend, so eventually he got mad and left because she wasn't hanging out with him. I stayed because I was enjoying myself. She asked me to stay the night, and I knew that was my cue to do something about the mutual attraction that was there, but I'm not that type of guy unfortunately, so I told her maybe another time.

I knew she was hooking up with my friend, so I wasn't planning on hanging out with her again... but as i was leaving, I dropped my license in her driveway. Must have happened when i went into my pocket for something.

She spoke to me the next morning on the computer, and told me she wanted us to hang on 1-on-1 so she could she me what she's about and show me that I could like her and we could make something happen between us.

I was taken back because she was hooking up with my friend, and I told her so. She told me to trust her and meet her anyway. She said she wasn't into my friend like that. I wasn't sure and made that clear.

She told me about my license, and told me the only way I'd get it back was to go see her. I needed the freaking license, so I finally agreed.

I went over to her place and we hung out for the day. We had a good time, a lot of laughs and I was happy to have made a new friend. I knew I wasn't going to make any moves on her because my friend actually liked this girl. He's the type to hook up with anything that walks, but he legit liked her.. so I kept my distance... not only out of respect for him, but for myself as well.

There were a few times where we actually made it to the bedroom, but I didn't feel right about sleeping with her. So I told her the only way I'd do it was if we got into a relationship. She turned me down and said that she didn't want to start something we couldn't finish (explanation is below)... but continued to try and sleep with me anyway.

I sat up, and walked out.

 

During this time, Girl N found out that I was hanging out with Girl S2 and began to get jealous. She'd put extra effort into getting things physical between us, and made a few times commented that I should be dating her, not wasting my time with Girl S2. Again, when I'd try to initiate something more physical with her, she'd pull back. It was very confusing.

S2 found out about Girl N, and the both of them became jealous and it became a drama-filled situation.

I had to go away to do a little time for some stupid crap me and some of my pals did, and just before I left, Girl N told me she wanted to be with me. I told her that was silly because I was going away, but she'd be the first person I'd get in touch with when I got home.

 

A week before I left, Girl N asked me to hang out and drink with her. I agreed, and we met up. An hour into it, she told me a friend of hers was coming along and would be meeting us soon. I thought she was acting weird... normally she was very touchy-feely and would sit right next to me and whatnot... but she kept her distance, and when her friend showed up... it was a guy. A guy she was hooking up with.

Confused, I just sat there and let them flirt back and forth and waited until it was time to leave. I explained the situation to a friend of mine, and he claims that Girl N tried to shove that guy in my face to get me jealous because I turned her down... which brings me to my next point.

 

While I was away, I called Girl N and she seemed excited to hear from me. She went on to tell me how she couldn't wait for me to get home and blah blah blah. This was a month prior to my release.

She neglected to mention she had a boyfriend, and I was in for a surprise on the day I got out.

I called her up and asked her to hang out, and she was bursting with excitement that I was home. She got dropped off by her boyfriend and I was taken back by that. I didn't expect her to sit around and wait for me or anything, but she didn't say anything about having a boyfriend when I called her... and seemed like she still liked me. So, i thought we could try and start fresh again.

 

After I found out she had a boyfriend, I kept my distance and so did she. I randomly called her one day just to see how she was doing and to catch up with her, as 6 months passed since we last spoke. She told me that because she had a boyfriend, she couldn't talk to me at all. Not even a "hi how are you?"

I was confused, as at this point I was just looking to be her friend, and told her so.

She wouldn't speak to me again for over a year.

 

In comes Girl A... again.

 

I was 22 at this time...Girl A had been expressing interest ever since she came back into my world back when i was 18. She claimed to have been "chasing me all around ever since I broke up with her" and I realized after thinking about it endlessly, that it was the truth. Through all the confusion and all the other girls and whatnot, Girl A was always there.

She wasn't always single, but was always there nonetheless.

Just before Girl A came into the picture, she had been dating a guy. I noticed this and commented to her about it after she told me I should stop wasting my time with girls who aren't good for me. I asked her, "What about your boyfriend?" and she replied to tell me that she was just using him, he was somebody she was only pretending to like, and the relationship wasn't real. The biggest thing she said about that: "I only hang out with him once a month, anyway."

 

So we began this long process that's eventually lead me to finding this place, 2 years ago.

I tried to do things right. I wanted to build a relationship with the only girl I thought was really worth it. The one who stuck around through all the crap.

From 2009 (22) until 2012 (25) she's been extremely confusing.

She barely hung out with me. Every time I asked to see her, she'd either A) Agree and then cancel, or B) blow me off saying she couldn't because she had to go to work and our schedules aren't good. Whenever we both had off at the same time, she'd go upstate to visit her friends and wouldn't even bother to see if I wanted to hang out with her.

She became jealous at just the mention of another girl, and would quickly get upset about it. I'd be at a bar with my friends watching a game, and if the bartender was female, I'd have to hear about it.

Nothing made sense. She acted like she wanted a relationship with me, but wasn't putting in ANY effort. I became really confused and asked her what was going on.

She neglected to open up to me. She gave me some blow-off type answer, and then a few weeks later told me she wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship, but wanted me to be.

After that, she didn't even give me the chance to show her that she was wrong about me. I'd ask to see her, she'd say no.

I tried talking to her again, and she told me that she couldn't let go of the past, and was afraid that things would end up the way they did last time. (back when we "dated" as 17 year old kids)

I did my best to assure her that it wasn't going to be like, if she'd just let me show her.

She never did.

 

Eventually, I got tired of it. We'd only see each other once a month, and those old familiar words starting ringing in my head.... "I'm only pretending to like him, I only see him once a month, anway" and I began to believe she was treating me the same as her last "boyfriend".

I started looking for signs to show that she was playing games, and eventually... I got it.

 

In December 2009, I had asked to see her and we made plans. We were BSing on the phone and I made a stupid joke about something trivial, and she hung up on me and ignored me all weekend. We had plans for Friday, and by the time Sunday came around, she had still ignored me.

I logged onto facebook to and looked at her profile and saw that one of her friends upstate had been telling her he missed her.

I looked at his page, and my evidence was right there.

She'd reply: "I miss you too.... i miss waking up to youuu..." and so on. I was crushed. Now I understood why nothing progressed between us... because she liked him.

I had remembered a month previously, she came over to watch a baseball game with me, and spent the entire night texting this guy.

I blew up and called her out on it, claiming that it's not fair that she can get mad whenever I talk to a girl, but it's perfectly okay with her to screw around with some guy upstate?! It was ridiculous and I told her that if that was the case, i want nothing to do with her.

She argued with me and went on to tell me that she was just pretending, she was just doing that to scare away an ex-girlfriend of his as a favor to him. (note: they're together now.)

Obviously, I didn't believe that.. as I know her very well. A couple months prior to this, she claimed he was creepy... now all of a sudden they're best friends and she's doing him favors? Obviously something happened between them on one of her upstate excursions....she spent more time with him in 2 months than she did with me in years.

 

I eventually let it go, and tried to believe her... because I cared about her.

For the next year and a half, she continued to string me along. I got so tired of it, and became so depressed by it, that I finally confessed my feelings to her. Told her I was in love with her (which was true, and still is to this day.) and told her that if nothing's going to work out between us, we cannot be friends.

She didn't speak to me for a month, and came back acting like she wanted to fix it... but 6 months later, it was the same crap. No progress. So i got rid of her again.

A few weeks later, she'd come back and tell me she's not ready for a relationship, she wants to fix her life... blah blah blah, and would then send me bikini pictures of herself, or pics of her in her underwear.

 

It got to the point where I simply couldn't take it anymore, and she screamed at me: "I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS!" and I asked her if she knew what it was like to tell somebody how you feel about them and have them string you along. She replied "Just because you said it, doesn't mean I accept it! You're a psycho. You're like a crazy ex-girlfriend" and all this other hurtful crap.

 

I eventually ignored her for a few months, and she'd continuously try and come back into my life. I'd let her, and we'd start the same crap over and over again. She'd tell me she misses me, and I'd get upset 2 months later because nothing was progressing.

 

Here it is, 2012 - and I'm still feeling the same. I don't want to talk to her unless something is going to happen between us, but I know it never will. yet, she still acts like she likes me. Still gets jealous of other girls, still sends me all kinds of messages about how she misses me and wants to see me and what not...

She's dating this guy upstate now, and lied to me about it. You can read the thread I posted here:

 

showthread.php?t=421474

 

For the past few days I've been blowing her off and ignoring her telling her that Ive "been busy" whenever she asks me why I'm not talking to her.

 

It's not just her, though.

 

I feel like I'm never going to have that nice relationship that most people get. I feel like it's my fault and I've blown every chance I ever had.

I'm scared of relationships and even more scared of getting hurt. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over this feeling. It's the loneliest place on the freaking planet.

I can't make a move on a girl unless I've been drinking, and even then I have to convince myself to stop being a p--sy about it.

 

I've had a couple of lame 1-night stands here and there, but its nothing to be proud of.

 

I just think based on my history, it will never happen. Obviously I'm not meant to have that kind of life..I know most of it is because I'm not the type to make the first move, but that's only because I've been scared my whole life and nobody showed me it's okay not to be. Whenever I tried, I always felt like they didn't want me to and it blew my self-esteem apart.

 

How the hell do you turn it around? I know most people will say "You just have to get out there and do it. Get rejected a few times" and all that, but I can't take any more rejection.

 

Just last week I fnially asked out Girl R, after wanting to but being scared for over a year.

she was harping on and on about having nothing to do this weekend, and figured she would go into the city or something by herself.

she was sending signals that she wanted to be asked to do something...

she still partys and all that, and my friend's brother is throwing a kegger tonight. so i asked her to come.

she said "yeah that sounds like a good idea.........." then walked away, and never came back. it was like she pretty much avoided me the rest of the night. (at least; thats the way i perceived it)

i would have gotten her number and tried a little harder had she come back to talk to me about it, but she didn't seem interested in the idea (the way she said "yeah it sounds like a good idea" was as if she was just being nice and didn't want to directly say no) and i left shortly after.

 

 

 

---

 

Sorry this was so long. It's taken me forever to type out. I've written this 100 times, and have been scared as hell to post it for a long time now...

[imsuperman]

You shouldn't have assumed that about girl R. I would've immediately said, "So are you just saying that in a 'That will never happen' way or do you mean it?" with a little bit of smile.

 

Just forget about girl A and stop talking to her. I was strung along by a girl for a long time, and last winter I finally told her that I wanted to date her. She lied and said she had no idea. Of course she did! I got her number, asked her to hang out on a few separate occasions, etc. What did she think I met? But it was kind of the same deal. I would forget about her, and then she would re-initiate our interactions, which I took as interest. Anyway, crazy is crazy, and you don't need a crazy girl. I know you really like her and everything, but you have to trust me on this. I finally just deleted this girl's number and blocked her from my Facebook.

 

Regarding rejection, it's really not so bad. I'd much rather be rejected than always obsess over and wonder about someone. It hurts at first. Especially in the case above, since she lied and said she didn't know I had those feelings, and then acted like I still would have had the chance, but she started seeing someone the day before. Outside of her exiting my life unceremoniously, nothing really changed. I think about her now and then, but not much. I don't change as a person, and I'm always proud that I at least laid it out for them. If it doesn't work, it's just something that happened, and I wish only that I would have focused on more girls than just the ones that rejected me.

 

I'm 25 and in a similar boat. I've never had an official long-term gf, but had a couple ons and a couple month-ish long FWB things.

 

I just look at it like...it will happen at some point. I know that's lame and not what you're looking for, but I really think it will. I'm not a perfect person, and my situation's not the best, but I'm working every day to improve it. And I do think I'd be a good catch, honestly. You probably would be too. I think your main mistake is beating yourself up about it, which can lead to desperation. Women can tell from a long way off if you're a sad sack or desperate, and they run from people like that.

[r0ckox]

How can I not assume that about Girl R? It's not like it was crowded and she was just making small talk. It was the 3 of us (her, my friend and myself) sitting around the bar. I'd understand if there was a lot of people around and was just making general conversation, but all night long we had decent conversation between us so I figured she was sending out signals.

 

It doesn't help that my friends egg me on and tell me that she liked me. Apparently when I first met her (over a year ago) she'd ask about me and when I was coming back in... and if they showed up before me, they'd mention I was coming and "she'd get all excited" -- but after them telling me this, I didn't see that myself, so I never acted on it... until now. Plus, we hadn't seen each other in 6 months because she got a different schedule there and I was never able to get in when she was there.

 

But whatever, I did it -- and I got rejected for it. The thing that bothers me is the way she did it... she just played it off and then avoided me. Now I think I'm some kind of creep..

 

and when I look back at all these failed attempts I've posted above, I do believe there's something wrong with me. I seem to be the only person I know who has a hard time with relationships and anything else.

Nobody talks to me.. nobody tells me how they feel and what they want.. they just leave crappy hints and signals out there that I either misread, or can't see at all.. then just assume.

 

I just feel like it'll never happen for me... and history always repeats itself. My history shows me that I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing and it's killing me.

I don't know how much more confusion and lies and crap I can take before I go completely insane (I'm surprised I'm not, already.)

 

As for Girl A, that's a tough situation. I've tried to walk away so many times but some how, some way I always get roped back in. She's not a stupid girl and I don't see her wasting all this time for absolutely nothing.

It's impossible for me to just forget about her and walk away completely.

It's kills me to talk to her because it's just another reminder of yet another thing I've failed at... but when I don't talk to her, that kills me even more.

 

I don't know. I have no idea how to get out of this rut.

[r0ckox]

I just look at it like...it will happen at some point. I know that's lame and not what you're looking for, but I really think it will. I'm not a perfect person, and my situation's not the best, but I'm working every day to improve it. And I do think I'd be a good catch, honestly. You probably would be too. I think your main mistake is beating yourself up about it, which can lead to desperation. Women can tell from a long way off if you're a sad sack or desperate, and they run from people like that.

 

I can't help but beat myself up about it. It's just so much easier for everyone else... and it's such a struggle for me. How can I not beat myself up? I won't be able to stop until something changes.

[imsuperman]

Oh ok, I see what happened with girl R now.

 

Well with girl R you blew it because you didn't move fast enough. You had all the info you needed when your friends were saying she was into you, and you chose not to move things forward. You can learn from that. That was a good deal there. Remember that if you don't act, her interest in you has an expiration date. Even if she wasn't making it abundantly clear, your friends were telling you otherwise. So she probably told them so they would tell you, in hopes of you making a move. She acted cold to you when you asked because that's what women who are interested in a man do if they think he's not interested back. After ALL THAT TIME, when you finally asked her to hang out, she gave you mixed signals on purpose to "get back" at you for being hard to read/not making a move sooner.

 

That was a very rare instance. In some cases, even if a woman tells one of your friends, the friend(s) themselves won't mention it to you because they sometimes have the hots for the same girl. There may have been an instance where she asked them if they told you and they said yes, and when you didn't make a move she assumed you were not attracted to her. The minute a woman that is interested in you decides her interest is not returned, she puts a postage stamp on it by going completely cold or reverting to mixed signals (ie: ignoring you one day, smiling and talking to you the next.)

 

With that, just remember that it's you who chooses how to use the information that a woman is interested, even if she wasn't obvious about it in-person.

 

With girl A, I can't help you any more than I already have. I'd really cut her out of your life and stop salting your wounds.

[shykind]

First of all that was a good read!. You should probably be a writer.

 

Now to the problem(s) that I see. First and foremost what stood out to me, above all else, was when you said "I felt like I was something to somebody." I know this was your thoughts when you were young, but I hope you no longer think this way. That is detrimental and is a problem in and of itself. I will elaborate further later.

 

One common factor I see in your past is, allowing girls from your past relationship to come into your life again. Let me explain. We look at Girl B, you guys where long distance and she cheated and you were still having an on/off relationship with her. Then there is Girl A, the relationship which you royally screwed up, I mean King and Queen style. You liked each other but you got scared(A problem you need to look into.) and messed it up. and she's still around? Then Girl J, and Girl N.

 

I hope you see what I see. the problem of recycling girls months, even years later. Has got to stop, it's not good for you. you so badly want to "felt like I was something to somebody." you keep inviting these girl back when they come around even though they have boyfriends, or they cheated, or call you names. You just want a girl to be "around", sort to speak, to give yourself value, of course that just my opinion.

 

Drop Girl A, I Cannot stress this enough. You knew her when you were all 17 and it ended, not so well. there is no way you should be talking to her, at least on a relationship level, at 25. Move On! I support my earlier quote with another "She's not a stupid girl and I don't see her wasting all this time for absolutely nothing." This goes back to you want to mean something to someone. You think you mean something to her that's why you allow yourself to be roped in. You think she subconsciously want you, but I don't think she wants you. A girl who wants a guy, really wants him, will go out of her way to get him, not disrespect him by calling him names. But again, My Opinion.

 

Another important factor, your "fear" or lack of trust in relationships and your desperation for relationships at the same time. (using the word desperate loosely cause it's the only word I can think of, maybe "deep, deep deep desire" is better. ) You didn't give enough info that could lead me to see the cause of it but perhaps it leads to your father remarrying. Why? what happened to your mother? if you don't mind me asking. Why at a young age did you want so bad to mean something to someone, didn't your father treat you well? Look into this.

 

But good read though.