She .....

[peacepipe]

She didn't know when it started really , oh sure it had never been plain sailing , but it wasn't like it is now .

She wondered to herself if it was the birth , well lets face it that takes it right back to basics , do we come into this life with a whole load of lessons to learn , do we come into this life with a clean slate , do we make our own destiny or is it already written somewhere. She found it comforting

to think it was already mapped out , which of course then begs the question ...why ?

 

Why did her friend Lisa just get it all ? She recalled a phone conversation with Lisa 5 years ago after her latest string of events , Lisa very honestly said " I don't know what to say to you , I have never felt unhappiness like you , I have never had my heart broken and in truth nothing has ever gone wrong."

She had a lot of respect for Lisa's honesty and through the agony of each day , she was glad Lisa

had never experienced what she had. Lisa saw her man , she got her man and married him , Lisa wanted to drive , she passed her test first time , Lisa wanted children one of each , she had a boy , she had a girl . Lisa then didn't like her breasts , Lisa got them fixed. Lisa had never dropped to the floor clasping her hands together , screaming , screaming to God " help me , please help me "

Lisa was ok , Lisa didn't need to know , she was happy .....happy for Lisa.

[peacepipe]

Her birth wasn't that different from anyone elses birth , she wasn't wanted at birth , but hell she wasn't the first

baby in the world to be an "accident."

Years later she traced her birth father , it wasn't the Oprah Winfrey show drama everyone thinks it is , where you

run into each other arms crying , saying sorry and building promises . She shook his hand when she met him , what did you expect ? This man was a stranger , she had learnt a long time ago that blood is NOT thicker than water ..love is the strongest force that can rip through our bodies , not a good old pump of *o* positive.

They sat accross from each other staring ..looking for something familiar ...this was her chance to finally find out

whose nose she had, why she walked like that , why her frame was made that way ..this was a chance to be at school again as a child, all talking about whose bits and pieces they had inherited . This was her chance to re live the medical records she had failed to fill in .. how you can fill in your family history when you have no idea.

He looked at her , was it with love ? was it with sorrow ? was it with guilt ?

 

She contemplated how much pocket money he owed her , was it ok to bring up her birth mother , did he want to be called dad...

 

but more than that , more than anything ...

 

why ? why didn't he want her ?

 

She had the letter he wrote 26 years ago

 

" to who it may concern, I give my permission for my unborn child to be adopted "

 

That's all she was , an unborn child , she wasn't somebodies dream , there wasn't a room ready

with a little teddy and a dolly , nobody cried with joy , there where no pictures to look back on in

the hospital with cards and flowers , granny and 15 aunts all waiting for their turn.

 

Nobody wanted a turn ..she was an unborn child whose father permitted her removal from his life.

[peacepipe]

She jolted herself back into reality , she never used to think about these things , and the truth of the situation wasn't been told , if only to herself ..self created woes ..

 

What about the rest of story , are you just going to leave it there , to drown yourself in more misery.

 

The truth was , there was a bedroom , there was a teddy and a dolly , but more importantly there was love .

 

That love came in the form of Albert and Mary . Albert lied about his age to go off with his brothers and fight

in world war II , he saw things , things he never spoke of. He was mentioned in dispatches , but no one knows why. Mary was a little younger and she got evacuted , all of her brothers and sisters bar one sister where

led to the meeting place that morning with their gas masks around their neck , and the little bundle of

possesions they had to remind them of the life they where leaving.

 

Can you imagine now , today 2012 , taking your 7 children to the train station and watching their little

faces as the train pulls away , not knowing where they are going , who they are going to and if you will

ever see them again . Your own fate depending on how quickly you get to the air raid shelter when the

bombs come .

 

Mary was lucky , the term lucky is said with an almost surreal irony , but still ....

Mary and her little sister arrived in a village and where led with all the other children from door to

door to see who would take them .

When a kind looking lady took a fancy to Mary and said she would take her , Mary stepped forward,

dragging her sister by the hand and with an air of importance announced ,

 

" Me mam said me and our Sheila have to be together else I can't stay"

 

So the kind lady said Sheila could stay as well , and she was a kind lady , in the face of war , of destruction

of the impending hell that was about to near on destroy this earth , a kind lady stepped forward

and took two little girls , with their gas masks swinging round their necks and showed them love , just

when they needed it most.

[peacepipe]

That black cloud had come again , she saw it in the distance and ran indoors trying to hide from it , but it found her , each time it came it came worse than the time before .

She had seen the doctor yesterday and he said , " you have got bi polar and it wont go away , you will always have it , but we are going to help you with it , but you must try and take the medication"

 

Bipolar was an inconvenience if you don't mind .. She considered her bad luck again and immeditaley felt ashamed of her own thoughts . But honestly the run of events that led to today where not exactly good luck !

 

So she was dumped , not the first in the world and not the last , but this time , well it was different , she had shaken herself down for over 40's years no matter what had come her way ..but now...it was different.

 

She told the doctor how she felt unable to piece anything together , just lately she had noticed when anyone

was telling her anything she had to concentrate really hard to understand . The slightest bit of pressure brought her to her knees , and by pressure we are talking the phone ringing more than once. The doctor said , this is bi polar.

 

she had "got rid" of her friends , most of them anyway and spent her days looking , remembering .

 

she had a noose upstairs and that is what frightened her , the dark cloud was here now and who knows how long

it would stay.

 

she had a noose ..

 

she had a child

 

it was then that she dropped to the floor and asked god

 

" what have I become?"

[peacepipe]

She laid in bed and sobbed like a child , she longed to go back to being a little girl , before the dark clouds had started to come . She wanted to just get up and go to school , to laugh again , to talk about all her plans with friends.

Last night was one of the hardest nights she had ever had .

Her faith had become twisted last night , she had shouted at loud "is this is it ? , is someone really there , was this part of my journey really mapped out , am I supposed to be learning a lesson ..really? or is this is ...there is no external force , no link to the spiritual world , just this hell on earth "

 

Nobody answered her ...jesus didn't appear , the angels didn't hold her hand , this was it .

[peacepipe]

The darkness is here now

 

it has taken my soul

 

I am alone in a room , there are no doors

 

there are no windows

 

and this is life for always

 

no one will come , no will take this away , the darkness is here now

 

I have died

 

and there is nothing

 

the darkness has taken my soul

[peacepipe]

the darkness

goes

 

 

she saw it leave

 

 

she watched it on the horizon

 

coming back

 

to get her ......