Boyfriend is very religious; I'm very not

[sundaysmile]

I've been dating an incredible man for almost a year and we're deeply in love. I'm not exaggerating when I say he's the most kind, loving, mature, and considerate person I've ever met... we never fight (disagreements are always respectful)... he gives me total freedom to be myself and has never asked me to change anything about myself... my parents are smitten with him... he bends over backwards with generosity... and he just makes me incredibly happy. Basically every problem I've had in previous relationships is absent with this one.

 

However. He is very, VERY religious. He belongs to an early branch of Christianity that's different from most Christian denominations- he doesn't believe hell and heaven are literal places, for example, and doesn't think that non-Christians suffer after death. But his faith is really the biggest part of his life. He has to eat a special "fasting" diet for half the year, spends many hours at church each week (more during Lent and holidays), prays before every meal and before bed, goes to religious conferences, donates money every month to his church, etc.

 

I, on the other hand, am almost phobic of organized religion due to bad experiences I had growing up (and the desire to discern truth on my own). I guess you could say I'm "spiritual but not religious." I've done a lot of research on his religion to help understand his beliefs and where he's coming from, and we've talked about our respective beliefs in depth, starting very early on in our relationship. There are actually a lot of things I've found myself agreeing with- I'm completely on board with him in that we should strive to embody love, compassion, and forgiveness as human beings- and these things are the cornerstone of what his religion teaches. We want to live our lives in very similar ways, even if our reasons for doing so are different. He has never, ever asked me to consider converting to his religion, and respects my beliefs wholly.

 

But there are still some problems. Because of his commitment to his faith, he has to defer to the church for things like views on homosexuality (his religion teaches that gay people should remain celibate for life to avoid sin and treat their orientation as a "handicap"- I absolutely cannot agree with this), as well as staying abstinent until marriage (including oral sex- this has been hard for me but we've managed to make it work so far without too much frustration). If we were to get married, I would either have to be baptized as a Christian, or he would lose his good standing in his church and no longer be able to receive the sacraments. And worse, some of my most passionate interests are things incompatible with Christianity like reincarnation, astral travel, astrology, out of body experiences, paranormal, etc. I love to read and talk about these things even when I don't necessarily believe in them- the weird things in life just interest me a lot. This is the one area of my life I don't feel like I can talk openly about with my boyfriend, even though our communication is amazing otherwise.

 

He actually has the support of his priest to pursue a relationship with me, but I get the sense that his priest (and maybe my boyfriend too) hopes God will eventually steer me in the right direction and compel me to convert to their faith. This makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

I've never loved anyone as much as I love him, and I honestly can't imagine ever finding a higher-quality man. He is literally almost saintly. I feel so supported by him in every way- it's just this religious stuff that lingers in the back of my mind as a fear. Honestly, it might even be a bigger deal for me than it is for him, since he seems very content living his faith quietly and never pushing it on anyone else.

 

Am I kidding myself by hoping this will work out? Has anyone been through a similar situation? He's already told me he wants to get married (and would gladly risk losing his good standing in the church by doing so). I would love to spend the rest of my life with him... I just don't want our religious differences to be a monster in the future.

[Seraphim]

It can work if people do not force others to change their basic beliefs. My mother-in-law is religious and my father-in-law is not. They have been married for almost 54 years. She does not bother him about his lack of religion and he does not bother her about having some. They agreed before having kids that she would raise them with religion. I think the only trouble is that you might have concerns raising kids.

 

On another note if he is willing to loose good standing in his religious community to marry you that is MASSIVE. He truly loves you.

[Syncronicity]

Hmm, I was with a religious girl for a nice long while, and we never ran into any problems DIRECTLY because of it. I'm atheist. But it certainly caused a whole lot of indirect problems that led to me losing the love of my life. Especially her parents, god her parents had a VENDETTA against me. Basically got to the point where they told her to choose me or them, and she chose them.

 

If there aren't any immediate problems because of it, then just be happy and content with what you have. Don't let a good thing go to waste over something as petty as a belief on how the world was formed...though I realize religion involves a whole lot more of their life than just that.

 

As I was reading your post, two things caught my eye. One, I can't BELIEVE the whole abstinenoce before marriage thing. I mean...I'm a guy who tells people to hold on to what they have if they're happy with it, but that is SERIOUSLY no good. There are a whole lotta issues that come with that. Sex should be apart of your life, now and later, and it should be something you get to know about the man you're committing the rest of your life to before you make such a leap. Honestly, that right there would be pushing it BIG TIME for me.

 

Seconodly, there is no way in hell you should become a member of his faith, as it will NEVER be real to either you or him, and will cause much more problems later down the road. He may make more of an issue of that when it's game time than he seems to indicate right now. Sooo...that may cause issues down the line.

 

I'm not trying to be negative or anything, you sound like you really love and appreciate what you have, but those are things to take deep into consideration. Personally, religion has caused nothing but chaos in my life. I hate it. I hate what it did to me and my precious girl. Tread cautiously

[RedDress]

I think this is possibly a monster. I have seen people of different faiths work it out... but in the cases where they work it out happily, there is definitely a compromise that goes on.

 

It wouldn't really be fair for him to insist that you convert, go to church every sunday, attend conferences and adhere to his beliefs. It is equally unfair for you to ask (or even allow him to) give up his standing in his church, stop going, stop believing what he believes, etc.

 

The answer, as always (in my opinion), is to meet in the middle.

 

Where is the middle? To me, I think it would be nice if you could learn about his religion and convert (if only really on paper, since you don't seem to have a religion) so that he can keep his standing in the church and continue to receive his sacraments. Don't actually go to church (maybe on the big two - easter and christmas?) and let him go if he wants to. Let him contribute a bit financially - and you can also choose a charity to contribute to. This is what we call a "fairweather christian". I don't think you have to agree to all the beliefs or attend regularly. I think it's just enough so that you support him in his endeavors (as I would expect him to support you in yours - including your interests in paranormal activity). The gay issue shouldn't really be an issue - simply agree to disagree.

 

I think that's the compromise that can make it work. If either of you take a hard stand (you saying you want NOTHING to do with it or him saying you MUST participate) - it's doom.

 

That's my opinion based on what I've seen work. Whether that's palatable to you both, I don't know... but if not... perhaps you should call yourselves incompatible.

[Seraphim]

That is what my in-laws did. Meet in the middle. My FIL would go to church occasionally. Like the kid's baptisms and Christmas. She says grace before each meal. She does not force him to believe what she does or to go to church and he does not tell her what to believe. When it is an important family event he shows his face as a "faithweather" Christian for the event.

 

The same happened with my father. He converted in order to marry my mother but never did attend after.

[RedDress]

That is what my in-laws did. Meet in the middle. My FIL would go to church occasionally. Like the kid's baptisms and Christmas. She says grace before each meal. She does not force him to believe what she does or to go to church and he does not tell her what to believe. When it is an important family event he shows his face as a "faithweather" Christian for the event.

 

The same happened with my father. He converted in order to marry my mother but never did attend after.

 

Yes - this is what I've seen work with many couples. And it's quite common to see that in churches too - a family where the wife and kids go but not the father or the father and kids go but not the mother. Extremely common.

 

I'm sure some people can call it hypocritical... but one could also call it supportive.

 

And when the support goes both ways - isn't that what a relationship is about?

[Seraphim]

Yes - this is what I've seen work with many couples. And it's quite common to see that in churches too - a family where the wife and kids go but not the father or the father and kids go but not the mother. Extremely common.

 

I'm sure some people can call it hypocritical... but one could also call it supportive.

 

And when the support goes both ways - isn't that what a relationship is about?

 

Exactly. My MIL went with her kids and he stayed home and got the lunch ready etc. I have known my in-laws for 24 years and I have never yet seen an argument about religion. They seem to have worked it out.

[sundaysmile]

It can work if people do not force others to change their basic beliefs. My mother-in-law is religious and my father-in-law is not. They have been married for almost 54 years. She does not bother him about his lack of religion and he does not bother her about having some. They agreed before having kids that she would raise them with religion. I think the only trouble is that you might have concerns raising kids.

 

On another note if he is willing to loose good standing in his religious community to marry you that is MASSIVE. He truly loves you.

 

Thank you so much- this is really reassuring!

 

And yes, the fact that he would be willing to lose his good standing to marry me seems incredible to me. He truly has a heart of gold. At the same time, if this happened, I think I would feel tremendous guilt about coming between him and his religion.

[Seraphim]

You do not have to though. If he is willing to give up something as might as his soul, you could be willing to bend some of your principles too. It does not mean you have to go to church every Sunday, know what I mean?

[sundaysmile]

Thanks for sharing your experience synchronicity- that sounds like it was very painful.

 

Yeah the abstinence before marriage thing has been hard for me. He was actually sexually active in other relationships many years ago, but had an epiphany that God wanted him to wait for marriage, so he stopped. He's told me that if it becomes something I can't handle, he wants me to tell him so we can talk about it (he doesn't want me to feel unsatisfied or unhappy), but I know how much this means to him, so I'm willing to wait.

 

I agree that I shouldn't become a member of his faith if it's not something I believe in. Along with it being insincere, the conversion process is a huge time commitment because you have to go to their church for something like a year and study all their texts, attend classes, etc.

[agent1607307371]

Are you sure he'd be willing to lose his standing? Or do you think he's going to try and push for conversion?

 

His life is not 'Church on sunday' - you said yourself it is a MASSIVE part of his life. Can you life with that?

 

My Mum became very religious after she married my Dad (several years after) to the point where she is out late several nights a week, is out all day sat and sunday with Church stuff and has the priest over a couple of nights a week (they've even holidayed (in a group) together). And a ll this leaves my Dad out quite a bit. I honestly think that if she'd been this way when they'd met, he wouldn't have married her.

[markfromark]

religious fanatics should only marry other religious fanatics, preferably of the same faith.

[sundaysmile]

Thank you RedDress! This makes a lot of sense. We both have tremendous respect for each other, so I think it would be very possible to find a compromise that lets us both be happy. He's told me that he doesn't want me to do anything that my heart isn't fully in, including converting just for the sake of letting him keep his good standing, and I've attended some church services with him. Hopefully this will be sustainable in the long run.

[RedDress]

I agree that I shouldn't become a member of his faith if it's not something I believe in. Along with it being insincere, the conversion process is a huge time commitment because you have to go to their church for something like a year and study all their texts, attend classes, etc.

 

It's up to you... but my prediction is that if your bf is as religious as he says he is (with the abstinence and conferences and fasting) - then he thinks he'll give up his standing for you... but when it comes time to do it, he won't. His family will pressure him. His community will pressure him. He will feel he is selling his soul.

 

I think that's what it's going to take to keep this one. A year of classes and learning (which can be dropped after the marriage).

[Syncronicity]

I kind of agree with Redress. I'm very familiar with the religious community, as all of my "family" (relatives) are ardently religious and tried to force it down my throat all my youth.

 

It's everything and everyone I grew up around.

 

I'd say there's a good chance that when it comes down to it, he's going to feel "convictions" about losing standing with his church. His faith is first in his life, you are not. You ALWAYS have to remember that about these people, as sad as it is

[Sunny1607307996]

The others have given very good advice. My only thing to add is have you talked about children? If you plan to have them, will he insist they are raised in this religion? How would you feel if your children believed something you did not?

 

Also, I am VERY curious as to what religion this is exactly. Zoroastrianism? If you don't feel comfortable saying in the forum please PM me. I studied some ancient religions in college and I'm just very curious.

[Seraphim]

If you do decide you can not live with someone who is religious I would break up right away and not drag it out. It will only be more painful after.

[Snny]

Personally, I don't see this working out. Both your views are the complete opposite and it shows a lot of incompatibilities.

 

1. You're acceptance on Gay issues... he isn't. What if you have a child together who turns out to be gay? What if you have a family member who is homosexual? How about of of your friends who might be? Will he tell you that you cannot associate yourself with them?

2. He outright said that in order to marry him, you have to convert or he loses his "status." What are your thoughts on conversion? In many Christian beliefs, a non-believing spouse is expected to convert and your man is a HEAVY believer in that faith. If it hasn't already happened now... a discord in your relationship will occur at some point.

3. What about raising children together when the time comes? How will the children be brought up?

[superfan]

I don't see how this will work out well. Religion (or lack of) is in my opinion one of these areas that a couple should be on board with (maybe not 100%), but definitely you should share the same values.

 

You said you do, but then you went ahead and listed a whole bunch of things that YOU believe in, that are incompatible with his beliefs - gay issues, your belief in astrology/paranormal, etc. and many more. The fact that his religion would EXPECT you to convert or he loses his standing puts a TON of pressure on both of you. You would either have to convert to a religion you don't believe in and pretend to in order to appease those he socializes with (which could be stressful for you and him as well, not to mention cause him to feel like you are paying lip service to something he believes in very deeply. Alternately he could hope you might convert secretly and get angry if that doesn't happen), or you decide not to convert and he loses his standing in the church which may cause him to resent you later on down the line.

 

What if you have kids? How would you raise them? Would they be brought up in his religion? Would you be OK with that?

 

What if one of your children turned out to be gay? (as someone else said) or a close family member or friend?

 

I am not saying the relationship absolutely can't work, but I think these issues would need to be addressed openly before you could go any further and even then...I don't know. Obviously you are the one who needs to decide if it's worth it.

[Stay_home]

It seems like within the past year you both have really been trying your hardest to make things work and thus far it's worked for you both. I would stick to the same plan for as long as you can.

[Seraphim]

^ I agree. If it aint broke don't broke it. ( bad grammar is on purpose)

[sundaysmile]

Thank you so much for all the input. It's really, really helped me a lot. I had a long talk with him yesterday because this has been on my mind so much, and it totally put my mind at ease. He said he follows his religion because it's what he feels called to do in his heart, not because he thinks it's what *everyone* needs to do, and said he doesn't want me to ever feel like he wants me to be anything other than what I already am, including my current approach to spirituality. He thinks that where our beliefs differ is actually a healthy thing because it allows us both to see new perspectives and grow. I asked him if he would want me to convert to make sure he doesn't lose his good standing in his church, and he strongly insisted that I shouldn't do this, unless it was actually something I'd want to do even if we weren't dating.

 

I feel a lot better about it all. I feel really lucky to have him. This relationship is so much different than any of my other ones, it just feels a lot healthier. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply! It means a lot to me!

[agent1607307371]

I hope it all goes well

[Snny]

He thinks that where our beliefs differ is actually a healthy thing because it allows us both to see new perspectives and grow. I asked him if he would want me to convert to make sure he doesn't lose his good standing in his church, and he strongly insisted that I shouldn't do this, unless it was actually something I'd want to do even if we weren't dating.

 

Then it sounds like you both have a good shot then. There have been people who come here with a similar concern, but feel they have to convert to their partner's religion just to keep things going (or their partner forces them into conversion). He sounds like a good guy overall.

[poetryandlyrics]

even though i had nothing to contribute to this thread, i did read this and am extremely glad of this outcome. you should happy to have found someone worthy.