Did I over-react?

[Jeff91]

NOTE: This is a log I just started of things that annoy me about my girlfriend, I DO NOT intend to tell her about this or if I do I will not use this language. I respect her as a human being and will not accuse her without just cause. Please read below and tell me your opinion if I am over reacting or not. I'm not seeking a justification to bring this up, just I just want to better myself if it's something I am doing wrong because I love this girl dearly and don't wish to hurt her so if it's me, I will change gladly. Thank you for your consideration.

 

Date: 5/31/12 - Thursday

Ignoring texts

 

Evidence

3 texts from me sent to her ignored then later she responds from Facebook. Apparently Facebook and whatever other plans she had this evening were more important than texting her boyfriend back even a short text to simply confirm she wasn't simply ignoring texts.

Conversation:

05:10pm Danielle: (Sent me a picture of her)

05:10pm Danielle: Most places i went to are still like that.

 

05:13pm Me: You're so good looking. I could just eat you up! It's the law in Missouri to pay before pumping uless otherwise directed.

09:46pm Me: Trying hard in school is a joke. The sooner you fall behind the more time you have to catch up! Thank you chacha.

11:01pm Me: Goodnight my lovely girl, sleep soundly and dream sweetly.

 

So after you didn't reply for an hour I got kind of sad and went online. Seeing you on Facebook I sent you a message to see if you were there. You replied after a moment like you were doing something else at the time. I assume chatting with a plethora of friends and other boys you're consorting with up there. I politely said good night and left you alone since you were busy seemingly. I assume you went to the mall to get your hair done or something cosmetc since previously you mentioned you were getting your unibrow removed. I also conclude that since you stopped talking to me you had other plans this evening in question. So now laying in bed feeling like you're doing stuff behind my back, more worried and feeling worthless to you than suspicious and angry, I decided to do a social experiment. Here is another conversation via text I had tonight.

 

Conversation

6/1/12 01:03am Me: Goodnight! I'm sooo sleepy!

6/1/12 01:08am Brittany Turner: That's good! Goodnight.

 

Note: Brittany Turner ALWAYS returns texts and ALWAYS responds to EVERYTHING I say to her. This example of a 5 minute response time is actually slow for how fast she normally responds I assume because of the late hour. She and I are JUST FRIENDS but she at least treats me with respect.

 

So bottom line, you can clearly see why I value Brittany Turner's conversations and interracting with her. She is a loyal friend while you make me time and time again feel worthless only due to you choosing to ignore me or not placing proper value on my correspondence. When someone contacts me or I do to them in any way I expect a prompt response because that is my definition of WHY I contact them. I don't wish to be ignored for the rest of the day from 5:00pm onward. That's just horse * * * * . There's no excuse for it. It's not a huge issue but I just can't stand how often this happens. That's why I'm starting this log of things you do that make me mad. Writing it out helps me cope and not bottle things up and also consolidate my thoughts better.

 

You say you love me Danielle but I still just feel like I'm being played. You sound so sincere at times or maybe I'm just a sucker when girls start crying. I get the feeling you're smart enough to know how to control boys that you want to stay around by faking strong affection and using sex but the only thing keeping me from thinking this is true is I have faith in humanity that no person on earth that I could meet would be that foul of a human being. I truly love you Danielle and you make me so happy sometimes but there is never a shortage of how badly I feel as well. I beat myself up over situations like this one because of when you told me you slept with almost 10 other guys while we were talking and NEVER told me about it until just a short while ago. Plus you allowed Shane to stay the night? What the * * * * is up with that? (NOTE: Shane is her last boyfriend who pretended he was locked out of his dormitory to have an excuse to stay the night) Seriously if there were ever a more obvious mistake to make I would assume that would be so easy to see it would be rammed into one's eye socket. It seemed you liked me enough then to remain monogamous or at least have the decency to TELL ME about * * * * ing other guys like I asked but no, you didn't then, so what can I believe now? My pain brings out the worst in me Danielle, it truly does. My love is true for you but I don't know how much more I can take of how you treat me.

 

The final part of this pattern of ignoring my texts is not apologizing the following morning and continuing on as though nothing has happened. I will date mark this when I wake up and confirm this hypothesis. I honestly hope that you will never read this.

[MikNomis]

Well, for the part about her taking so long to respond do what my friend did. He just straight up said she takes way too long to respond and that it pisses him off. She understood and addressed that.

[pippy longstocking]

Well, for the part about her taking so long to respond do what my friend did. He just straight up said she takes way too long to respond and that it pisses him off. She understood and addressed that.

 

can't say fairer than that !

 

I thought it all seemed a bit extreme ...but , I guess like you said this is how you process stuff and get a clear mind of what is going on ..

 

but yeah , she never needs to see this !

[PhilliesFan001]

I think you need to relax. Tell her it annoys you that she takes so long to respond but I don't see the need to make a big deal out of it. As for the end "I hope you never see this"..please don't let her see that, it sounds crazy. Fair enough you need to write everything out to process your thoughts, but dear god never send that to her. It's OTT.

 

My boyfriend is terrible at responding to texts, but he just gets busy so I let it roll off my back. Not everybody is glued to their phone ready to respond, and some people mean to respond and then forget. It happens.

[EricaNicole]

This is over the top. You know that already. I don't need to tell you... even though I just did.

 

Anyway, neither you or your girlfriend is completely at fault. It's not irrational to want a quick response if she's busy, but it's irrational for you to get angry if she doesn't respond within five minutes. Yes, she should treat your texts as more of a priority than she obviously is. I'll assume that she does this A LOT and that's what's got you so fired up about it, because it would be very irrational to get this angry if it was a two or three time thing.

 

Explain to her that you would appreciate her taking the time to glance at her phone and reply to your texts. Tell her that it makes you feel unimportant when she ignores your texts for a whole night. Say these things in a non-accusing manner, though. She might not even realize what she's doing to you.

 

One of the biggest reasons that this should never be shown to her is that you're comparing her to another girl. I can see why you'd make this an example for your rant, but it wouldn't help at all for her to know you do that. It would just upset her because you're saying you wish she was like another girl. See how that could be really bad?

 

Try not to hold things that she did when you weren't officially dating against her. Not everyone takes "talking" the same way. Yeah, maybe she should have told you, but did you specifically ask? Unless you asked and she lied about it, you should try not to be mad about it.

 

In other words, give her the benefit of the doubt, but don't be afraid to bring up SOME of this to her, in a nice way.

[Jeff91]

FIRST OF ALL I would like to say that I am very happy that I found this forum on which to post things like this. I live in a college town and there aren't many people here outside of the school year and even fewer who have time to talk about problems if they arise. Having an outlet and receiving feedback helps immensely so I feel much better already! Having this many responses within a 12-hour period is awesome in my opinion so I look forward to being able to post here more often!

 

So now, discussion...

 

To MikNomis,

Thanks for the advice and I will do that! I guess I haven't directly told her that when she doesn't respond soonish is something that bothers me. I truly hope she's the kind of girl who will listen and address the issue as well!

 

To shooting star,

Yesterday I drove for 12 hours straight working a 15.5 hour long day (starting at 7am going to 11pm) so I was quite stressed from the day's activities which I hope is from where my strong aggression in the original post stems. The last times this has happened I've lost sleep over it or had a couple drinks to be able to not think about it but like I mentioned above in this post, finding this new outlet for my frustrations will really help! ^^ I especially appreciate, if it's not offensive for me to mention, that there are users here who aren't just teenagers posting random things about which they have very little experience themselves. This is just an assumption made because of your avatar picture by the way so if you're not as mature as that picture shows oh well lol you seem to know what you're talking about anyhow!

 

To PhilliesFan001,

I had to laugh at your post calling me crazy for the "I hope you never see this" because it's so true! Haha! I'm a little nuts and unfortunately my last relationship which ended a year ago did so badly with a girl I dated for almost two years so this time around I play things a little more cautiously. What I mean is I try to ask more questions about small things with this girl and keep myself distanced because I don't want to be hurt again. I agree this response is quite OTT (lol I googled OTT to learn what it meant) but finding this new outlet to be able to communicate with others and discuss things that bother me like this will help me so much now. Writing it all out and seeing these fast responses today make me feel much better already so just to say again, to everyone that's posted, thank you.

 

To EricaNicole,

I didn't realize that I was comparing her to another girl, I merely wished to show another conversation I was having. I probably should have used an example from another friend probably of the male persuasion but I definitely see the grievous error I would have made to bring up this point to her if I talked with her about it so thanks for catching that! So anyhow, yes she does do this quite often and unfortunately she is the type of girl who is always texting. Even while she's hanging out with me she checks her phone on average more than 3 times an hour when she's not having conversations just to check the time or send a message. I went to her family's house for mother's day recently and when she finally took it out after two hours they made comments on how they were surprised she hadn't had it out before then. Also, could you possibly provide some further input on a way to kindly mention my desire for her to respond a bit faster? I'd appreciate it! I agree with the fact I shouldn't hold things against her which happened before we were dating so I will do my best to work on dropping things like that. There's really nothing good that can come of it so I hope finding this place and having an outlet to let go of these feelings will help me there. It certainly has with this issue.

 

To Everyone above this post,

So, without some background I realize that this post is VERY extreme and I would like to share with you a bit about this girl! I certainly don't mind talking about her.

Unfortunately this girl has gotten around a bit more in the past than I would like. She's admitted to sleeping with over 100 different guys (don't worry I keep myself tested!) and to sleeping with 10 during a 5 month period while we were having relations from time to time and "talking" like a couple would. I have slept with 5 different women, including her in that number, in my life so her numbers simply astound me at times... She's always talking with other boys like in friendly ways because she says she doesn't get along with girls well and those things are true. A couple of times while we were talking I took her phone, big mistake I know, and looked at her texts. Both times there were things which suggested she was going to have sex with someone she was talking to. I've only done this twice and now I force myself to look away if she's texting around me because it hurts too much to know for certain if she's texting other boys like that. She swears she isn't doing anything behind my back and I want to believe her so badly but my mind just goes to bad corners when there's evidence even slightly suggesting that she's doing something with another boy. She's made many mistakes and does some things I don't like but in my opinion these are all things that can be worked out.

This is only my fourth relationship in my life (i'm 20 nearly 21 by the way) where my past relationships have lasted longer and longer. My first was two weeks, she broke up with me to let me go because I always so nervous around her. My second was 6 months with a foreign exchange student who I couldn't work up the courage to even kiss even though I had so many chances. She broke that off when she went back to Germany, which is understandable but she was the first girl I told that I loved her and she said it back. So now I don't say it first or I try my best not to. Then there was my long relationship from my junior summer of high school that lasted until freshman spring semester of college. I broke things off because I felt she was putting opportunities down in her life and she was more than I deserved, a stupid reason I know. I'm not really looking to discuss any of these past relationships but I just mention them to give everyone a background to my romantic life.

Now with this girl, Danielle, I truly have these feelings for her. I love her with all my heart. It is probably a fault but when she told me she loved me first I couldn't help myself but to admit my feelings for her even though I had some problems with how she treated me at times such as texting. This girl is super smart. She's the first girl I've been interested in who really challenges me! She can kick my butt in a game of scrabble and is pretty awesome at everything else. She'll try anything once and humors me in taking interest in the things I do, computer games that is. She's a wonderful girl and I really think she could be the one some day but I won't be doing that until I'm out of college and in a career able to support a family on my own. I want to work things out with Danielle because she's the best girl that's been gracious enough to show an interest in me. Like I said my favorite thing is that she can challenge me which makes me very happy.

Well, now knowing all this, is there anything else someone can offer to say? Haha I got logged out this took so long to write!

[EricaNicole]

To EricaNicole,

I didn't realize that I was comparing her to another girl, I merely wished to show another conversation I was having. I probably should have used an example from another friend probably of the male persuasion but I definitely see the grievous error I would have made to bring up this point to her if I talked with her about it so thanks for catching that!

 

You're welcome.

 

 

So anyhow, yes she does do this quite often and unfortunately she is the type of girl who is always texting. Even while she's hanging out with me she checks her phone on average more than 3 times an hour when she's not having conversations just to check the time or send a message. I went to her family's house for mother's day recently and when she finally took it out after two hours they made comments on how they were surprised she hadn't had it out before then.

 

It is rude for her to not respond if she's the type to be glued to her phone. It makes it seem like you're not a priority and it's not fair to you for her to text everyone except you. I would ask what she's doing during the times she's ignoring you to suggest that maybe she doesn't want to be impolite to the people she's with. However, the fact that she's texting a lot while with you doesn't qualify her for that excuse.

 

 

To Everyone above this post,

She's admitted to sleeping with over 100 different guys (don't worry I keep myself tested!) and to sleeping with 10 during a 5 month period while we were having relations from time to time and "talking" like a couple would.

'

Wow. I don't think you gave us her age (sorry if you did and I missed it), but since you're only 20 I can't imagine her being much older, if older at all, so I assume she hasn't been having sex for THAT many years. In other words, that's a big number for anyone, but it's especially shocking for someone so young.

 

Though I'm usually the one to tell people to not hold someone's past against them, this large number could be a problem. It hints that she isn't satisfied by one person. She needs several. I'm not saying she's unable to be loyal to one person. Anyone can with some self-control. However, the other signs (i.e. ignoring your texts, sexual conversation with other men) as well as either being too unobservant or just not concerned enough with your feelings to realize what she's doing to you are just not a good sign. I want to say something super encouraging like "There's no chance she's been unfaithful!" but I can't. I've never wildly slept with guy after guy like that, but if I had done it enough to sleep with 100 people, I can imagine that the habit would be hard to break.

 

 

Also, could you possibly provide some further input on a way to kindly mention my desire for her to respond a bit faster?

 

Think beyond the texting thing and think about when it's just you and her. Think of your conversations, surely there's been a couple heart-to-hearts. Do you feel like she's sincere? Does she look you in the eye? Does she EVER put down the phone long enough to give you the adequate amount of loving attention that people need from their significant other (didn't wanna make you google "SO" )?

 

You're obviously a good guy, and you obviously care for her a lot, enough to seek advice. You're also a good guy for trusting her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, it often only takes one girl to betray someone's trust to change a guy from a calm, trusting person to the irrationally jealous losers that so many of us girls have had to deal with over the years. I don't want that to happen to you. I hope it doesn't.

 

First, sit her down in a place where you can be alone. Don't let her touch her phone, and ask her to please give you her undivided attention if she tries to. You don't have to use this verbatim, but here's an idea of what I'd say to someone if I was in your situation:

 

"I love you, Danielle. You know I love you, right? (let her respond). Good. I know you like to spend time with other friends, and I'm glad you have them. At the same time, though, you're one of the most important people in my life, and I would like you to show me that I'm just as important to you. I'm not saying you've made me feel unimportant. I'm not mad at you. It's just that sometimes I would like to feel like you're focused on me the way you are right now. You don't have to go above and beyond. I would just appreciate if you would take the time to text me when we're apart. I'm not asking you to text me constantly, but it would mean the world to me if you would glance at your phone and reply every 30 minutes or so."

 

I hope some of that helps. I wish I could help more on your suspicion that she's not completely faithful. Here's something I found you you, though. I hope it helps:

 

link removed

[The_Seeker]

This is a thread I made about a while ago.

 

I am telling you, you are not overreacting. You just demand respect. I think when you text, you are actually having a conversation with her. But she takes her time to respond.

 

My current ex did the same thing. I went as far as not talking to him for 2 weeks. I realized my feelings and his feelings were at different levels. Yeah we broke up 2 or 3 weeks ago about other issues. Anyway, I know he'll be back, but I don't think I want him back if I found someone else who is like you and your friend. Responding calls/texts in a timely manner.

 

If I were you, I would have a conversation with her. I know it's stupid or lame. But you know what? How long are you going to hold onto annoyance/pain/etc? Forever? Nah.

 

So tell her that if she's busy to let you know so you don't wait for a response or whatever.

 

If she doesn't change that, go find someone else.

 

All I know is if you are truly crazy about someone, that person should be crazy about you too.

 

It always seem like an 80%/20%. Which is where you don't want to be in.

[Jeff91]

Well after a full day of no contact from her what-so-ever she called me thankfully. She has been sending me texts I've just not gotten them.

 

I feel very dumb for not remembering to explain that she is actually in Washington over the summer and I am staying in Missouri so there isn't any physical contact between us. That's part of the reason I think it's important for her to text me when she is available.

 

To EricaNicole,

I agree the multiple partners (greatly exceeding my own number) being a problem. She is 22 years old and says she only slept with about 13 different guys this school year. Before that was when she says she slept with the mass majority. She says she's trying to be a better person and all. This isn't the issue I'm addressing with this post though, maybe I should make another post? Thank you for your compliments and your suggested conversation. Although there is something which has just recently come to light which justifies her not contacting me for a whole day. Apparently, her number became blocked through texting on my cell phone... Completely inexplicably... I have a cruddy little AT&T Go Phone that's never had a glitch but maybe it's time to get that new phone I get every two years? But anyway, talking over this issue on this forum as well as the fact she was accidentally blocked on my phone I believe completely alleviates this situation. So all is forgiven and I didn't freak out on her! To her face at least. Haha As for the possibility that she is cheating there have been many many signs but only circumstantial evidence for those. I may keep a list for a week or so and see what a forum post about that gets. I will check out that forum post you linked and see what I can make of it thank you! I will try getting together with her on skype and talking with her that way.

 

To The_Seeker,

I like your post about being attached to your phone and I feel the same way! Any type of communication made with me I treat as a possible life/death situation. Not meaning I freak out and get worried but I look at my phone at my earliest convenience and I respond saying either I'm busy or I answer the person's request accordingly. If I am trying to contact someone via text and it is unsuccessful then I call them. If both of those attempts are refused then I assume they are busy and will contact me later. I appreciate being able to have conversations with people through text messaging because it makes it easy for me to send them info to use later or to have a written record for talking later. Usually though I expect if people contact me then they are available to finish the conversation they begin so I understand your dislike of the 5 hour delayed "lol". You may find humor in this but I read somewhere that "lol" no longer stands for "Laugh out loud" but rather that it means "I've nothing further to say to you." I'm not going to hold onto this pain forever. If she doesn't at the very least respond to my requests either by submitting to them or to give an explanation behind a problem then she isn't worth my time. Unfortunately I haven't "found" someone like my friend who will respond to my messages. At least in the way I think you are meaning. Brittany is just a friend of mine and I don't find within myself any romantic feelings for her but she's an awesome friend and I try to reciprocate that for her. I thank you for your input in this matter.

 

 

 

So since the original issue has been resolved I believe this thread is done as far as I'm concerned. Again I'd like to say how glad I am to have found this website and I look forward to seeking input about other issues should they arise in the future! Thanks to you all!

[The_Seeker]

I know you are friends with Brittany.

 

I'm just saying, you should find someone who acts like Brittany.

 

Trust me it's not fun being on the receiving end. So if I were you, I would just drop your girlfriend. She's not crazy about you like you are to her. It's probably not even equal.

 

It has something to do with "courteous" or being "Respectful." That's why I decided I'm not going to text. i'm just going to call and get the conversation over with it. They can love it or hate it. I don't care. You are on my time when we talk. I'm done being someone's back burner. Always have been. So I turned into a new leaf. Call up and meet up. Or forget about having a long boring conversation on the phone or text.

 

That's how i'm leading my life now. Let me tell you, it feels great.

 

Now my true guy friend and I just talk on the phone. Despite the fact he texts me because I'm at work. But I don't respond. I focus on my job and call him after work. I returned texts or calls that I miss before I had to bed and make plans [if there are no plans into the conversation I just end the conversation] then see them on the weekend.

 

To earn respect, you expect yourself.

 

If you want to communicate with your girlfriend, you tell it straight to her face. Don't over think it. Just say how you feel. If she can't handle what you say and says you're overreacting/harsh/whatever, she's not the girl. If she says "I want no drama." This person expects a fairy tale and a superficial relationship. RUN.

 

The reason i'm telling you this is because I learned the hard way in my previous three relationships. Patterns repeat itself and I realize I need to set my boundaries and my own rules. Also because I dealt with bad experiences in my past relationship, I'm going to set it to the next guy. I know he will set rules for me as well since I'm his next girl. But you gotta do what you gotta do if you want respect and not be treated like a piece of trash or item.