Talking to your ex

[the dude91]

Glad I could be of help!! And yes everything I've been saying has been from my own personal experience, it's good practice to not keep your hope up high. I feel that since we do over think/analyze things we were able to asses things and move on a bit faster than others, so it's not all that awful.

 

Well at the moment she's taking a drive to my place, first time she has since the BU which I'm guessing is her showing more effort in getting back with me because I told her that she'd have to leave the other guy behind in order for us to be together. Of course at first she was reluctant but then agreed to my terms but I still became a bit upset because of the fact that she was fighting so hard to keep him around after everything he did but left me in the dust and it seemed so effortlessly. She threatened to call the cops on me and that she'd get a restraining order on me. Crazy huh? I told her that she should just stay home and save her gas for work (I live kind of far away, 30min drive) but she said that this talk was necessary in person. I hope that it's a blessing in disguise. But to be more exact, she said after the bruises started it was hard for her to say no and as you'd expect that put me over the edge and I hope for his safety and my own future outside of a cell that I don't ever see him. If you couldn't tell I'm very protective Hehe.

 

But yeah I suppose you're right, the little words and phrases we used will return in due time, some have started making the appearance.

 

Well see!! Told you he'd contact you again soon. Haha But try not to look into the timing so much, it could be what you think or it could just be coincidence, but if you asked me I'd simply say you two were meant to be, in due time.

 

I'm starting to believe more and more that my ex is serious, especially with her dropping by today despite her gas situation. But thanks for that insight! I didn't know that women did that to see if men could see a future with them, I'm glad to see that she's still interested in knowing if I still see it with her. Good sign perhaps? We'll see how this talk goes, I'm still upset which may cause some problems so I'll try thinking before talking for once.

[Mizz]

Over assessing can be good and bad. it certainly helped me accept things more. But as for potential reconciliation I am because of the BU and analyzations taking more caution and not going to just jump back in, even if it seems promising or if that’s what he’d want (if he ever said anything).

 

If she’s driving to your place then that is a good sign I’d say in how serious she is. If she didn’t care I don’t think she’d be willing to. It’s good you’re so protective! She really shouldn’t be around this guy, especially since he’s abusive and also because you two want to work things out. I hope seeing her goes well for you!

 

 

I am sure more of those words and little things/jokes you guys had will surface in time.

 

Everyone said “he’ll contact you just wait” but I didn’t think he would. I know it could be coincidence or that he actually has interest. The signs he showed were pretty positive, though I am just seeing what happens, not trying to get too high hopes just in case.

 

I’d say her driving al that way is a good sign. You’re welcome for the insight! I said that because if I’d mention the future briefly, that’d be sort of my “test” or gauge on how he was thinking about where our relationship was/could go/how serious it was or what he thought of me (though sometimes he’d randomly bring the future up too) but if I did it was like my way of seeing if he actually saw one with me and how he reacted. She could be doing the same which could be another good sign. If you’re still upset just try and get your emotions under control, I know it might be hard, but it’ll come accross better if you aren’t super angry or crying, that way she’ll see that you’re strong and it’d be more appealing. Though if you can’t help but to cry then you can’t help it, but try your hardest to remain calm.

[Divine010]

Mizz,

 

This is definitely a step in an odd direction since the beginings of your first few posts over a month ago. I remember your story. I didn't think that your intentions were to be friends or getting back with him. I thought he put you through enough to not want to reconcile. But if that is what you would wish to have somewhere down the road, than more power to you.

 

At this point, I do not respect my ex as a human being or anything. I think when you have dated a few people, in time, you do believe that you still have alot/enough of respect for them left. And may consider, without even hoping for it, but if that oppurtunity presented itself you all probably wouldn't mind being friends. Unfortunately, this is not the case with my current ex. I don't have anger, resentment or hurt for this person. Thank god I have gotten to that place where I am OK with it all. But in order for me to even consider talking to them after a fallen out, I would definitely need to have a good reason and a sense of respect would have to be one of them. Also, what purpose would they have being apart of my life again. I can get over him and no matter how much much time apart, I will not give him the satisfaction of letting him know that. It's only been 4 months and even though my feelings change from day to day, he still disrespected me on so many occassions and my decision to being "friendly" or "friends" with him is simply not an option right now. This is what's helping me move on.

 

Nor why would anybody want to put themselve through that (kind of mental torture), especially if this person didn't respect or treat you right for the majority of the relationship. I think in "dream land" we all like to think that we can be the better person or these unbreakable human beings, that simply "get over" things, telling ourselves that it would be OK to remains friends with ex now or down the road. For some people this can actually be done. But alot of time has to pass and alot of healing has to take place for a person to get back to becoming friends. We are emotional creatures and sometimes it's best to not even bother with these people for your own sake. I understand that every break-up is unique and different. But I don't have to show my ex that I am over him, by being his friend. I think it's just unhealthy way to deal with someone especially if you secretly are not over them.

 

You guys haven't been apart for while to even consider that. But hey you have to go through your own experiences - it's your life after all. I wish you both well - just be careful! :stupid:

[Mizz]

I don't know what could happen down the road. I didn't initially intend to, and I know it hasn't been a lot of time since we've been apart. I had time to reflect back. As a few people have told me "make your own mistake if you get back together with him" which is incredibly discouraging of course, though I know everyone's looking out for me, they don't want me to get hurt.

 

IF we ever did get back together it'd take work, time, and definitely better communication when it comes to feelings. I'd voice my opinion more, before I'd never actually be mad at him in instances I probably should have. It's like work on both ends here. I call it "proceeding with caution".

[Donovan79]

I don't know what could happen down the road. I didn't initially intend to, and I know it hasn't been a lot of time since we've been apart. I had time to reflect back. As a few people have told me "make your own mistake if you get back together with him" which is incredibly discouraging of course, though I know everyone's looking out for me, they don't want me to get hurt.

 

IF we ever did get back together it'd take work, time, and definitely better communication when it comes to feelings. I'd voice my opinion more, before I'd never actually be mad at him in instances I probably should have. It's like work on both ends here. I call it "proceeding with caution".

 

The problem you're stuck with, Mizz, is that YOU know what needs to happen for it to work this time around, but you're the dumpee. In 99% of these situations, the dumper has to be the one who realizes that they need to fix it and how in order for it to work again. If he wants to get back together, but not enough to fix everything, then what's the point? It's guaranteed to just happen again.

[Mizz]

Since we had been talking more for over a week or so, though not every day, and only saw him last weekend since the BU, it hasn't been brought up (our relationship/what happened). I figured if he actually wanted me back he'd be the one to bring it up since he's the one that ended it. It's one of those things I'd have to see what happens in time. I don't know where this could go, but if he did have no intentions on fixing anything of course there'd be no point. Which is why I am being cautious and not getting my hopes too high, unless he'd actually make effort, tell me, and prove it

[Donovan79]

Do you have any timeline in mind for how long you're going to wait around him to make another move? It'd be too bad to waste half a year or more not trying to even think about dating others again in the hope that a lightbulb suddenly turns on in his head.

[Divine010]

Do you have any timeline in mind for how long you're going to wait around him to make another move? It'd be too bad to waste half a year or more not trying to even think about dating others again in the hope that a lightbulb suddenly turns on in his head.

 

Exactly Chris, Agreed.

 

Miz, okay so he hasn't even brought up the break up..hmm.. And since the break-up is still fresh, how long are you going to play the pretend "the past is in the past" segment? I know you may not want to rock the boat. If he hasn't even brought any of his wrong doings up, then how long are you willing to wait for him to come around and own up to things even if he doesn't want to get back with you? Its like things has to still be discussed if you are ever going to consider being friends with this person again. Wouldn't you want that? I would have to see if this person is mature enough to take accountability and can see their faults for any kind of relationship to work. Once again, it may be too soon for him to see what he was doing wrong. Since he is the dumper, he is still doing things on his term. I know you are not getting your hopes up, but you may want to set some standards/rules for yourself in the meantime.

 

There's got to be a lot of effort on his part to rebuild that trust in order for it to work or somebody will be getting played.

[Mizz]

Which is why it can be confusing, because I wouldn't want to even bother if it's like I'll be forever friend zoned. I have and can make plenty of friends I don't need to hang around him if that were the case.

 

There were signs of interest when I saw him and the things he did for me when we were together, though again I wasn't getting my hopes up. I didn't know when to bring everything up to him, we have only started talking again for a couple-few weeks, though before it was only once a week, after those 2 weeks of NC. Now contact is a couple-few times a week. It's seemingly gradually increasing, I didn't want to bring up anything too soon, though he told me any time I'd want to talk about what happen we could, and how he also wanted me to have all the gifts I returned to him back. I'd figure it'd be best if he did but at the same time I know I can't sit around waiting. Waiting is actually a bit discouraging cause one minute I'll think "maybe he's actually interested again based on things I've noticed/he's done" but then think "but I don't exactly know how he feels, so why bother?". It flip flops because I don't know how to go about this.

 

I have some people telling me to hold off on discussing it, and then others saying "What are you waiting for? You can't sit there wondering and being strung along if you don't know what's going to happen" which is true, I'd rather know too what's going on... But I don't know what to do in this situation.

[Divine010]

But don't you think he should at least acknowledge what he did wrong before you can if start being his friends? I mean you are comfortable moving forward with this person and not discussing what went wrong ever? He at least owes you that.

 

That's why I say he is doing this on his own terms. I know you want to have some kind of idea of where this is going wether it is in the "friend zone". But you don't want to let him have full control of where this is going. So maybe you should think about a time-frame of when to ask him if you all can sit down and have that discussion. Cause it's appears that he is in no rush to bring it up. Time waits for no one. You guys spent enough time doing that while dating, and there's plenty of reasons why it didn't work. I say you do what is best for you and stay in control of the situation. IF you think you want to get on with your life and you can't wait anymore, than approach him. But it's really up to you. I am a little more aggressive and I don't like people taking me for a ride especially if I don't trust them anymore. You seem like you are fine with whichever way it goes, but by doing this I think in my opinion is kind of hindering yourself, hindering you from getting over him completely and being ready for someone new. Letting each day go by and telling yourself you fine with this and that, it's not really what you want. You do have a chose and you don't have to continue to be passive about it simply because he may react negatively. It's clear that he is going to avoid it as long as you don't bring it up. That's my take on the situation.

[Mizz]

You guys are right. I was thinking about just asking him later tonight if he's busy tomorrow or this weekend. Though Saturday I am busy, so that wouldn't work. I'm seeing my cousin/family for a graduation party. When we were dating he was invited to it, but obviously now he isn't going. If I saw him Friday I'd find the right time to ask, when I feel it's appropriate to bring it up. Cause I also just want to know, I don't like being confused, no one does.

[Mizz]

Ok so I texted him today. He seemed happy/excited to hear from me initially replying with "Hey Jackie hehe" and so then we talked some more, random friendly conversation. I was out with my friend and I got caught in the rain. He seemed concerned and asked if anyone could pick me up I said how it was fine cause I found a place out of the rain anyway and told me "well as long as you're not drenched" and I said how I actually was cause at one point my friend and I decided to walk some more (we didn't mind) and that I was kind of cold though and he asked again if anyone could pick me up and told me that I should get home to change and how he doesn't want me to "suffer". But I kept telling him I was fine and would get home at some point (cause the walk wasn't that far and I was cold and drenched with rain but was having fun with my friend anyway). Then I said I was wandering around and he told me to "be safe".

 

Then I mentioned the weekend was coming up, I felt kind of lame after I brought it up because I felt like I made it a little awkward. I brought up how the weekend was coming and he said "it is! I graduate soon!" and said other things related to school/how he's doing with it and I replied back about how it's really good he's graduating soon how I am sure he'll do well on his finals and I added at the end "and this is random but I did bring up the weekend though XD are you busy tomorrow?" and he said "yes you did. and I don't think I am no" and I just replied with "oh ok lol" (jeez, I should have just flat out asked) but then he said "you want to do something lol" and I said "only if you want to I brought up the weekend a couple messages ago and at first I wasn't sure XD" and he said "well if you want to then we can and then I replied with "well if you also want to then we can XD" (omg I just should have said something like: ok sure sounds great and let it be) he replied with "Sure Jackie XD" But then I was just like "ok Nick XD texting can be confusing sometimes" and he said "yeah lol. and I have to mow my grandma's lawn first so I won't be able to right away" and I said "its ok nick" and then he sent back a " and then I replied with "I'm confused XD" and for 20 mins he didn't reply so I then I probably shouldn't have sent something else after that but then I sent "Nick?" and he said "sorry. and what are you confused about?" and I explained how I was confused about tomorrow and if he actually wanted to or not (oh my gosh just kept digging there) and he said "I said sure Jackie XD" and then I said how texting can just be confusing sometimes and I just try to be nice when we talk and he said "i know Jackie XD I know" and I said "well then just text me tomorrow and we can figure when" and he said "sure thing Jackie said he was tired and we said good night.

 

The first part of the conversation went well, but I felt like I TOTALLY messed up at the end, possibly came accross how I didn't want to appear at all and was worried I might have seemed annoying or unconfident. I kinda wish I could go back in time and change the whole asking about the weekend thing, I overanalyze which isn't good, I just I guess wanted reassurance that it'd happen, it's sort of harder to take what he says seriously since the trust isn't the same. But I felt the end of the conversation wasn't the best, but I'll try not to beat myself up too much.

 

I guess I'll just see what happens tomorrow. I plan to see him, find a good opportunity to bring up everything and go from there.

[the dude91]

Well what's done is done, don't beat yourself up too much about it. But yeah just see how tomorrow goes and take it lightly and relax a bit, give your mind a rest and let the events play out you know? But do think a little hehe you don't want to say or do something you'd regret. Just heed every ones advise, they've all been pretty good about it and offer great insight on how to handle things, it's just up to you on how to proceed because in the end you know him and the relationship better than any of us ever truly will.

 

As for my update with my ex coming over yesterday to talk things over, I did give her the ultimatum (which was something I never thought I'd do after saying I wouldn't do it) and she decided that she'd rather lose him than lose me for good. HORAY!! But I do feel bad for doing it because there are points when she does express her sadness in losing a "best friend" but it'll be for the best in the long run. I made her choose because if I heard her being abused by him again or seen another mark on her body... well there'd be a cell reserved for me in jail/prison. If you couldn't tell I'm very protective. But I had to draw the line after her telling me that she slept with him, but not only because of that, but because she told me that it was hard for her to say no to him after the bruises started appearing... now that just astonished me as to wonder why she'd want to keep him around????

 

Anyways so far it's a success story in a way, the hard work in working us out is in affect right now and things seem to be going perfectly with the given moments of sadness from her part about the last guy. She's been staying out of contact with him, not replying to any of his messages calling me a controlling douch etc. (ironic right? After he was the one to initially say if she went back to me that she'd never hear from him again). She also returned a picture frame to him with pictures of them together, I was there with her when she put it in his mailbox. So I believe she's serious, but another part of me still wants to be cautious about her talking to him again and him implanting toxic thoughts in her head and causing us problems. Or just her leaving me altogether just to have him back in his life, I guess in time I'll learn to let go of these thoughts as they're a potential risk of me losing her again...

 

But this is my story so far after getting back in contact with my ex, well gf now, after a month of NC.

[Mizz]

That's true! I'll stop trying to think so hard about it and just let things be/happen as they will. I've taken all the advice into consideration, I do know him best and the relationship so I am approaching this how I feel right and I'd rather know so I'd want to bring everything up and ask how he feels if I notice more "signs" of interest. If it doesn't feel right to bring up then I wouldn't, though at this point I have nothing left to lose, I'd rather know too where this is going. If he wouldn't see a point in trying to work it out or if he'd be stubborn I'd leave and not look back but wouldn't be disappointed because at least I know I tried.

 

That's wonderful! I know it's hard for her, but I think for her sake and your relationship it'd be the best decision. He's manipulative, hurtful, and just NOT good for her to be around. It's only for the best to help her realize that being around that guy isn't a good idea.

 

I am glad it's going well so far! I wish all the best to you guys. She seems serious in her attempts I only hope for her sake and the sake of the relationship that it remains so. It's normal to feel a bit cautious about it, you lost her once it's normal to fear losing her again. But try to regain trust with her, allow her to show you she's serious, try not to worry too much in the mean time and just see how things work out. In time if she devotes time to herself to get away from this abusive guy/relationship she had and focuses on herself, you, and your happiness together and equal effort to maintain working things out then those feelings of caution and fear of losing her should become less. Are you guys in any sort of couples therapy? Or therapy in general?

[the dude91]

Thanks and nope, no therapy. We're just trying to resolve things ourselves I suppose. Things are working out pretty well so far so although I have thought about it there's no need to suggest it until I feel it may truly be needed. We love each other to death and will do what it takes to work things out but if they don't work then they don't work. I can leave knowing we did give it our all in the end. We haven't really left each others side either for almost a month now other than having to work. I hope this doesn't burn us out as that honeymoon stage will come to an end more quickly I believe.

 

But for the moment we can't get enough of each others company, that was one of my failings in the past relationship with her that I worked on amongst other things, that I wouldn't really make much of an effort of seeing her a whole lot from fear of smothering her. But like I said, now we don't want to leave each others sides.

 

Things are just perfect aside from that guy constantly trying to get a reaction out of her, at one point she even said so herself that leaving him behind would be the best choice in the long run. I just hope she sticks to it, I'll be watching closely...

[Mizz]

It's great that you guys are so willing to work it all out. If perhaps this guy comes back into the picture or she just can't see why it's toxic or emotions get overwhelming therapy might not be bad, it could aid the process and help her more and your relationship as well. It's good if you guys will do whatever it takes, and it's a good way to look at it that either way you're giving it your all. Well she needs you for support now and you are working on getting back together so time together is good, just be careful you guys don't become dependent on each other for happiness or that it would "get old fast". Though I've been told before that "if things are meant to work out then they will no matter what".

 

It's also a good thing you are aware of what didn't work last time, so now you can approach some things differently. I'd say try not to worry too much if things seem to be going well, enjoy them. Try to trust her and not let any fear totally take over and affect your attitude, but also make sure that guy doesn't come back to manipulate her and hurt her any more.

[tanyas3840]

Mizz,

 

Just go with the flow girlie!! It seems like there are still a ton of feelings on both sides. Have some patience...I think things will fall back into place for you guys! I am in the same boat...Trying to be casual and light hearted and not put too much pressure on him. He is coming around alot. We went to dinner last night, he stayed over, no sex, just snuggling. He gave he the biggest hug and kiss when he left this morning. I just have to be careful to take his lead for the time being and be a little patient.

[Mizz]

I'm so happy for you T3840! I really wish the best for you and that it works out

 

But oh my gosh, well I had just so confused lately with how he might feel. I felt like bringing it all up was necessary for me at least. But it just was horrible.

 

I saw him tonight. I felt like I had to bring it up, like just to gauge what could be going on, if there’s hope if there’s none. But initially there wasn’t like as many signs of interest though he almost grabbed my hand again when we were about to start walking, we hugged when we first met up. he was showing me how to properly punch and grabbed my wrist to guide it. And we smiled and joked and laughed some more. But we were on our way to meet up with his one friend Cody.

 

I brought it up. Don’t worry, I didn’t beg or plead, but still probably came off as pretty pathetic. I feel so bad about all of it.

 

Oh my god it was awful, I regret saying anything. It made things awkward. I feel like I killed any potential. But we were walking and I said how "I don’t know how to really say it, but we never really talked about what happened" and it started nice, neutral, him telling me it happened just cause he was overwhelmed with things going on in his life then I said "well what i think what happened was the break up was that yes, you were just overwhelmed with a lot of things. I was stressed too and not as happy, I didn't think it was working out either, but if we had just talked about it all before the break up I thought it could have potentially been worked out. We had a lot of unaddressed problems" and he was just like "it has nothing to do with you, you did nothing wrong, it's just I am not ready for a serious relationship. I want to be alone, I don't want to be with anyone else, I'm not even talking to any other girls. I just started thinking that week before we broke up how I am not ready. It's like the more time we were together the more serious it got and the more time we would be together the more serious it would get. I am not ready for that yet" and I explained how there was no rush for anything how we already WERE in a “serious” relationship for those 2 years, and if he was apparently so happy, if we had so much in common, enjoyed being together, I just didn't understand why he'd throw that all away though I told him how I respect and accept his choice. But he kept saying he's not ready for anything serious right now how he can’t help how he feels, and it ultimately turned into me getting frustrated all over again, him just standing there. It was a disaster essentially. I said how "I understand that, and I can’t help how I feel either. but we already were together for 2 years! that’s something someone figures out in a couple weeks or months, not 2 years. Is there something so great about being single? Like what we had I thought was happy/good at least, so I don’t understand why being with someone is so bad” and he said “it isn’t bad, it’s good, you’re a sweet girl you didn’t do anything wrong. it’s just I am not ready for something that serious now in my life” and I kept saying there was no rush for anything. Then I said how “I understand though yet still kind of don’t. It’s rational in your mind but to me doesn’t seem rational at all. It just seemed to happen at an odd time, like you’ll be going to college, do you just want to be single and hook up with other girls?” and he said “no, I don’t want anything serious, and I don’t want to even hook up with random girls. I’m not talking to any other girls and don’t want to. I want to be alone. I don’t want anything serious and I don’t want to hook up with random girls either, that’s not what I want” and I asked if he needed time to find himself, like how in a relationship there’s time alone, time with friends, and time with the person you’re with and I asked if he needed to find what he wanted/himself and he said “No, I know what I want and who I am. I just don’t want anything serious”

 

and then I said “This is so hard for me. I don't think I can even do this, like even be 'friends' because honestly slight feelings are still there that I have for you and you apparently feel nothing. I'll just keep getting frustrated and I don't want to even waste my time. I don't even know why I am talking to you right now, I shouldn't be. Any other girl would have said 'f.uck it' and moved on and I was like that at first but for some reason here I am now" and when I said that he seemed bothered though then I said "Nick, it's like we have the same bond are doing all the same things (meaning hanging out, we have never kissed/had sex since breaking up) just with out the commitment" and he said "well, you're like my best friend" and I just frustratingly said "uhhhh?" and he held out his arms like for a hug and then I just went "UHHH?" again. At that point I should have just walked home. Actually, I was about to leave, I started walking and he didn't stop me, he just stood there. I turned back around and should have kept walking, but then I just had it at that point I yelled, I hadn't been mad at him before, even as we were breaking up but at that point I let it out. I said "Are you serious? Do you even care at ALL? Clearly not, I am walking away and you're still sitting there. All I ever had wanted was for you to care and to love me, that's all I ever had wanted" and he was all “I’m sorry” and I just kept saying his “sorry” seemed half ass then I said how “I almost feel like the whole 2 years we were together was a lie or just almost a waste of my time then if you were just going to throw it all away anyway” and he said “but those 2 years were great. I never wanted to hurt you. and I don’t want you to be upset. I don’t want to hurt you.” and I said “I don’t think you could hurt me any more than you already have unless you f.ucking killed me”

 

It got even worse, I seriously should have left, but it oddly cooled down between us. then I still kept walking, with him, to a friend's house. Disaster, I know. I seriously just should have went home. But so I sat there with friends and he was awkwardly still being nice to me, though talking more to his guy friend the whole night and I was more quiet. We walked back to his house and he drove me home.

 

I can't even, just... it's so frustrating honestly. I knew that could have happened when I brought everything up that he’d just repeat himself or it wouldn’t go well, so I wasn't upset, though frustrated, which I probably should have just played it cool but at this point it doesn't matter, I had said what I needed regardless and got it off my chest. It just was confusing, because he still wears the stuff I got him, still has pictures of me in his house/room, kept cards I gave him and still has them sitting on a shelf. Yet so it made no sense, so I brought it all up, honestly just to see if anything changed or if there was any potential, because I didn’t want to think “hey he likes me!” and be hopeful, so despite still having my stuff around he just still doesn’t want to be with me? Makes no real sense, though ok? At any point I don't think he'd ever regret it. I don’t know what to do now.

[tanyas3840]

That's a hard situation. It sounds like he is being honest though. He does care about you Mizz!!! He is just at a place in his life where a relationship just isn't a priority. It seems if it were...you would be the one he wanted. It's probably best to just go NC at this point. You know where he stands, and he knows how you feel. If he wants to get in touch with you, he knows where to find you. This has to be very hard, and I'm sorry the night didn't go well.

[Donovan79]

Sorry about that, Mizz. I agree with Tanyas, it sounds like it really has nothing to do with how great you are, he's just not in a good place. Let it go for now and as hard as it is, try to focus on other things. You're gonna be fine.

[Mizz]

He kept telling me he was being honest, how he has nothing to hide. He sort of justified his reasoning by saying "well at least I never cheated on you or lied to you or ever gave you reason not to trust me. I am being completely honest here. I can't help how I feel".

 

I mean I understand, of course, yet it's just so random to one day wake up and think you no longer want to be with someone or no longer love them, but I know it happens. It's just it seemed impulsive (the BU). He still has my things, still wears things I had gotten him when we were together, still did things to show he cared when I was around him or talking to him. Just he doesn't want the commitment right now in his life to someone else. It's just a shame and I told him that too. I told him I respected it and accepted it though.

 

As we were talking he was just kind of saying the same things he had since like when it all first happened, he told me not to be upset, listened to me as I was saying all of it, yet still was just not being totally supportive/comforting, it was kinda mostly like “my mind’s made up, sorry” (he didn’t say that, but it came accross that way). I didn’t want to get frustrated but I couldn’t help it. Though it did eventually all cool down and the rest of the night wasn't like totally awful and didn't end on a bad note. I got out of the car, we said bye and he waited for me to get into my house and waited for me to wave "bye".

 

The next move is totally up to him. I feel so discouraged to even message him, do anything unless he talks first. I technically shouldn’t even bother anymore. If I continued talking to him I'd just have to have no expectations of it going anywhere. I don’t know where it could go at a later point. But it’s been so frustrating and confusing that I don’t even know if it’s worth it even IF some day we got back together. I just had wanted a nice relationship, to be happy. I thought it was what I had with him, so for him to just randomly decide he wasn’t ready will never make complete sense. As well as him showing he cares yet acting oddly otherwise and not wanting to be with me regardless.

 

Nothing bad happened between us that I could see changing his mind about wanting to be with me. It had been an awkward week before we broke up but nothing like we hadn’t bounced back from before. We had some unaddressed issues, I was stressed, he was stressed, he was getting anxious/nervous about school and the future but he didn't want to work anything out and told me it had nothing to do with me though for why he felt that way. I even asked him what made him suddenly change his mind and he just said how “the more time we were together, the more serious it was getting. I don’t want a serious relationship now. I’m not ready for that in my life.” I was thinking he’s afraid of something and I did ask that if he was afraid of something or more specifically afraid of commitment/marriage and he said “no” I told him I never expected much, I didn’t anticipate lasting forever, or getting married, none of that would of had to happen, there was no rush for anything and I was just enjoying things as they were happening.

 

I asked if he needed to find himself or if he was questioning himself because honestly I do not think he knows what he wants or who he really is. He told me when we were breaking up how he was overwhelmed with school, college coming, getting a job, having a gf and moving out with her, getting married, he said he wasn’t ready for any of that. Meanwhile on FB and to his friends/family he is happily all “I’m so happy I’m graduating! I can’t wait!” and “I am looking for a job this summer!” so... like that always confused me how he’s “not ready” yet seems so happy about moving on in life anyway!? I really don’t think he knows what he wants. He thinks I am a sweet girl, probably still clearly likes spending time with me, but doesn’t want to be with me in THAT way because possibly he doesn’t know if I’d be the “one” or something that he’d want to be with for a long time? Or that kind of work into maintaing a relationship this young (though I never had a problem balancing my work and maintaing being with him). But like we are so young I wasn’t even thinking about marriage. I was his first serious gf, I asked “do you like feel like you need to be with other women first? Like is being with ONLY one woman something you don’t want in life? There’s people who’ve been with one person for a while and have been completely happy” and he said “no! It has nothing to do with that. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just don’t want to be with anyone right now”.

 

I have reached out so much! Trying to ask him things, trying to see if these questions would allow him to gain some potential perspective on himself/his thoughts. Anyone else I know would have left him in the past. But I had been so determined, I always have in life, no matter what I do I always want it to work. So when it came to him just one day deciding it’s over, I had determination to try to work it out or at least see what’d happen. It’s not seeming very hopeful now though. I can’t wait around for him, I can’t suffer because he can’t decide what he wants. It’s not fair. yet I had still been trying.

 

I think he’s confused, because he seems to care about me yet for some reason a relationship isn’t what he wants. I think he fears where it could lead, but why would that be bad?! I’d think it’d be a beautiful thing actually, to fall in love, be together for some time, and just see where it leads. I didn’t think my relationship would abruptly end like that at least. It ended at the worst time too, I had a prom dress paid for and ready and everything for HIS prom, we had so many plans for the summer, it was just... No one expected that to happen. And I literally told him it’s just such a shame. That’s all I could end our sort of argument was that I understood and respected it's what he wants but that it’s just a shame.

 

As far as him being “overwhelmed” there was nothing like family issues, though he was suspended earlier this year and went to court for it but then only was ruled to go to anger management, for the second time. But he was suspended before last year too when I was with him, and we worked through that. It’s not like he gets into trouble all the time, only those couple times really. But I know one class he was worried about in school, he was anxious about graduating, college. He mentioned how with everything in his life right now that he just can’t be in a relationship. And I said “ok, well that’s understandable, but like what’s going on?” and he mentioned college and stuff and I said “but college is different but not that bad! I’ve been in college and was able to maintain a relationship with you, it wasn’t that hard! Plus, I have classes 5 days a week and get home late every single day and made our relationship work. You’re going to have classes only 3 days a week, get home around 2 every day, and will be off on Tuesdays and Thursdays AND weekends? You’ll have it fairly easy!”

 

There is no binding contract, and I told him “look, if you wanted space or time alone for yourself, or more time with your friends I would have let you have that. I don’t know if you thought that seeing each other 3-4 times a week was a lot or that texting from pretty much the time you got up then later after school til you went to bed was too much or something, but I would have suggested cutting back on that too then if that was the case”... I was being completely rational about every possible scenario he mentioned about being “overwhelmed” and how it could have been worked out. I really feel like this could have been worked out, but he just doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know if he ever would again. But I’d think at this point it doesn’t matter because for now he is still in the same mindset that he wants to be alone, not with anyone.

 

I had shown and said many times how much we have in common, how much I had loved him. It wasn’t fair. He has seemed to like just expect me to be all fine with it as if it’s been no big deal and we can just be “best friends” and it’ll all not matter. I even said at one point “Do you know how much I even had loved you?” and he said “I know, and that’s sweet but... blah not ready blah”. it was like talking to a brick wall. No matter what rational responses I made to anything he said, it didn’t matter.

 

He’s so overwhelmed apparently with college and getting a job and all this stuff related to naturally getting older. Once he graduates, once he finds a job, once he starts college I bet you he will think “Oh, this isn’t so bad. I can manage this” and POSSIBLY then realize “oh god, I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me”. His family always said I was the best thing that happened to him. No one had ever made him as happy as I did. I brought out a whole other side of him (in a good way) that not even his friends or family could. He didn’t dance, I could get him to dance. he didn’t like amusement rides, I was able to get him to do that too, basically to try a ton of new things. Just a whole different happiness I brought to him. I was a positive influence because I always take school/work seriously, always pushing myself to do the best and it motivated him to do better in school. This year he made distinguished honor roll, he never had before. Before he was pretty much failing. I never smoked, I never drank, never did drugs, I was just a good support/influence in his life.

 

And No one had loved him like I had. Sure I was his first real relationship/girlfriend but because of his deformed fingers, his scar above his lip from when he had a cleft lip as a baby, the way he’d be random/act sometimes, be immature, not many girls gave him a chance, they’d turn him down. I had looked past that all, I got to know him. I genuinely loved him with all of my heart and along with every single living cell I have in my body. I was there for him, would have done anything, and he tossed it away like nothing.

 

I care a lot, he’s aware. But it meant a lot to me, he meant a lot to me, so I had always wanted it to work, and I told him that! I said “I just always wanted it to work because it all meant a lot to me, you know how I am, I just always want things to go well”.

 

I have a feeling he’d never regret this, though maybe in time. But he always had this like "oh well" attitude about anything unfortunate that'd happen in life, he was never very sympathetic or remorseful. I have been nothing but caring/sweet to him. It’s such a shame because everyone knows how much I just wanted this to work out. I was so kind, always wanted to work things out, was never rude/mean to him, never called him names/anything degrading. I loved being with him. I don’t think many women could even tolerate how he’d act sometimes, and I am not just saying that either. Just honestly, his attitude about things, his immaturity at times, his intelligence level, and also women can be judgemental not many women would want a partner with deformities, he and I had so much in common, sure anyone can find dates/hook up, but someone like myself who had all of that in common and who did put up with all of that and genuinely STILL loved him, it’d be hard to find for him. Not impossible, but I don't think any other woman would ever be like me, willing to do that much, willing to work so hard, like I was towards him. (that doesn’t sound like arrogant to say, does it?)

 

I just want to find a nice guy who is “right” for me and have a happy long relationship. A guy that’s a “sure thing”. I don’t deserve to be tossed away, I’m not a bad person. I sort of hope if this happened to me after being nothing but sweet then something way better comes along that I couldn’t have even imagined being better than what I thought my ex and I had.

 

He told me he'd never go anywhere and would always be there, but I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. It's not fair on myself if I just wait around for him for however long it'd take to one day say "hey you know what? I am ready for a relationship now/again". He isn't talking to any other girls, he was serious about that, and he wouldn't want to be with anyone else he told me. It seemed like if he wanted a relationship he would want it to be with me. I had seriously loved him so much, would I wait? I probably would. But I know I can't do that, not to myself, and I won't. It wouldn't be fair at all and I deserve to be treated better and be able to be with someone that makes me happy.

[tanyas3840]

Mizz....this guy cares for you. Leave him to be..give him some time to miss you. In the meantime, don't wait on him. Don't sit around and wait for him to wake up. Do your own thing, and if you meet someone great along the way, so be it. That is the chance your ex is taking when he says he doesn't want a relationship at the moment. If it is meant to be, then it will work out in time. I think these are the hardest relationships. It's easy to be pissed off when someone cheats, or is a complete ass. That makes it a lot easier to walk away. Knowing that he cares, etc, makes it soo much harder. I hate to even bring up the fact that your so young....but Mizz!!! You guys ARE so young!!! You have a great life ahead of ya girl!!!

[Mizz]

It's just odd to think about because one minute we were together and the next not, it just seemed to change so quickly that it's almost sometimes like "well what happened?!" and almost a bit sad. I can't dwell on the past though or what once was. But I accepted it's over though, if that's what he wants then there's no way it's going to change and I can't do anything about it other than just focusing on myself. I knew if I brought it up that could have potentially happened anyway.

 

It does make it a lot easier if the person is an ass or cheats, but he had his moments where he could be a bit of a jerk, but otherwise never cheated, never even talked to other girls and even now isn't. He seems to care but of course that makes it harder. But I can't wait for him. I know we are both young, I never anticipated getting married to him or even moving in together, I was just enjoying being with him. I didn't know where it would have went or how long it could have lasted but I didn't expect it to end like that at least. It made it so much harder because it's not even like there was a huge argument that lead to the BU or super serious reason other than him just not wanting to be in a serious relationship anymore.

[Streetbob]

Mizz

 

Yeah. When there is no (obvious) tangible reason for the split it is a very hard thing to take.

Exactly that happened to me. We are constantly looking for reasons and if there aren't any we tend to make them up.

 

I'm still struggling with it all after 3 months. I've tried the light email chats and it didn't work for me. It's just too soon.

I'm just trying to get my own life together and move on. I'm not going to give up but I'm switching the priority to me getting over her rather than getting her back.

After reading one of Zorba's inspirational posts (Linked in another thread), I think that if there was not too much wrong in the first place, there is a very good chance of a reconnection in the future.

 

I like this quote that he made:

 

"Don't panic and have patience. This isn't a destination it's a journey."

 

Good luck with everything

 

SB

[Mizz]

I am sorry something similar also happened to you and that you are also struggling. It seems like you know what's best for yourself and what's best to do from here. I wish you luck too!

 

It can be so discouraging though, because I had loved him so much that I just always wanted it to work out, and he seemed to love me very much so it was confusing/hurt to end in that way. I accepted and respected it's what he wanted even though I know it would never exactly make sense or seem rational. But that's what he feels he needs right now so I am going to let him. I knew if I brought it all up I could possibly just get something like what he had been saying since it happened, which I was prepared for.

 

When we broke up he told me he wasn't going anywhere, that we could remain friends, how he didn't know what the future holds but that right now he just can't be with anyone and doesn't want to be. But I know I shouldn't wait for him. I had been working on moving on, and was doing well, so after still hearing the same reasoning for why it's over and how he's still just not wanting a relationship despite still showing he cares it's been harder. He will talk to me if I send him things, he enjoys talking to me, and enjoys seeing me, sometimes he will start conversations too if a few days pass and we don't talk. When I told him I wasn't even sure if being friends was something I could handle, it seemed to bother him, like it seemed like he doesn't want me to NOT be apart of his life, yet just with everything else apparently going on with him he doesn't feel like he's ready for a serious relationship "yet" (even though we already were in one for 2 years).

 

He told me again yesterday how he's not going anywhere, will always be there. But I can't chase him. I didn't and won't and I don't know what could happen later on in life but I can't wait around for him.