Talking to your ex

[Sukiyaki]

Is it really always? -___- Or does it really depend on the guy?

[Donovan79]

Not always. But if you dated for two or three months or more and the breakup was relatively clean and after the breakup you go silent on him, then yeah, there's a pretty solid chance that he's at least tempted to reach out to you once or twice. It's an ego thing. You can't just move on without me saying you can! I'm too great for you to be over that easily! If he's strong or you gave him too much at the breakup, he won't act on that impulse, but if he does reach out and you immediately sleep with him and/or give him the satisfaction of knowing you still adore him, he gets what he needs and can move on. I don't think it works at all differently if we reverse the gender.

[Sukiyaki]

Not always. But if you dated for two or three months or more and the breakup was relatively clean and after the breakup you go silent on him, then yeah, there's a pretty solid chance that he's at least tempted to reach out to you once or twice. It's an ego thing. You can't just move on without me saying you can! I'm too great for you to be over that easily! If he's strong or you gave him too much at the breakup, he won't act on that impulse, but if he does reach out and you immediately sleep with him and/or give him the satisfaction of knowing you still adore him, he gets what he needs and can move on. I don't think it works at all differently if we reverse the gender.

 

During my recent breakup, all I was hearing from people "If you call him, you're only feeding his ego don't do it" or "wait for him to call you", etc. I know when he did it I was crying. We've dated for almost 3 years. Now that you;ve said that I'm a little worried about calling him just to chat next week =/ (lol)

[Donovan79]

It depends on why you're still talking. If you really, truly don't want him back, I guess there's nothing wrong with talking, though most people don't get over someone that easily. If you don't want him back but you still have feelings for him, talking is only going to push back the day that'll come when you're over it and can feel good with someone else. If you want him back but you guys talk and it's clear that you really really miss up, that's what can backfire and push him away. Not every time, but most of the time.

 

I'd recommend you consider just moving on, telling him you wish him the best but it's best for both of you if you get some space for awhile, then leave it at that.

[tomato]

I get the idea you need to try and think about the stuff a little less maybe? I just think if you analyse things too much it will change the way you interact with him - you wont act "yourself" around him if you see what I mean?

 

as someone else said you need to try and to keep things a little shorter and therefore sweeter or it might get too much

[tomato]

Not always. But if you dated for two or three months or more and the breakup was relatively clean and after the breakup you go silent on him, then yeah, there's a pretty solid chance that he's at least tempted to reach out to you once or twice. It's an ego thing. You can't just move on without me saying you can! I'm too great for you to be over that easily! If he's strong or you gave him too much at the breakup, he won't act on that impulse, but if he does reach out and you immediately sleep with him and/or give him the satisfaction of knowing you still adore him, he gets what he needs and can move on. I don't think it works at all differently if we reverse the gender.

 

yes I think I made this mistake and what you said happens, happened..... thanks

[Mizz]

I talked very briefly to my ex again, but on Facebook. I hadn’t poked him back still (I forgot) and earlier posted a picture of some puff pastries I made (I love to bake) and he liked the photo. I poked him back and he responded fairly quickly to it. We poked back and forth a few times. Then I stopped poking and decided to be random and post some image on his wall of something we had always laughed at before, an image of Wilford Brimley. It was a meme image that had Wilford’s face and a cake and the caption was “I don’t always eat cake, but when I do, DIABEETUS”.

 

He "liked" it. and then a few minutes later he commented on it. It was sort of like more inside joke type of stuff related to the image and general conversation again like wondering if Wilford was still alive, talking about how he was in "The Thing" which I didn't know and he didn't remember/know either, another image he saw like the one I posted, and how images like that make him laugh. It only was about 9 comments in total.

 

I didn’t reply after the last comment he made about how he thought images like that were funny. I didn’t know how to anyway and knew if I had said anything else it would have pretty much died out anyway. But I “liked” his last comment. I then accidentally “unliked” it... but then ultimately clicked “like” again at a later point. I had poked him back a couple hours after that conversation which he had poked me again some time after that. Then I poked him back like 10 minutes after that and he didn’t poke back again though cause I assume he just logged off for the night.

 

I feel like the pokes are a way to kill time, they of course don’t mean anything. So far since having things on good terms he has been “poking” me on FB and liking some of the stuff I post. But that’s about it. If I start a conversation on there (I only had on that one status and then today days later with the picture) he does reply, but still has not texted me (since last time we did text almost a week ago I have given him the option to text when he'd want). It's no big deal if he doesn't. I'm approaching everything just as friendly as I can, talking nicely sometimes and not on every little thing he posts, but briefly also so that he might feel more comfortable to actually reach out more, but I don’t even know if that’d happen, I don't expect it to anyway. I know if he wanted to talk he’d actually reach me more than just a “like” on stuff or a “poke”.

 

But things are just as friends between us. I remember when we were friends before dating I just remember texting him sometimes random stuff that was funny. We’d just talk about random stuff/be nice. And if he stopped replying or if he’d reply later it’d be no big deal to me. That's sort of what it's like now. But I don't expect anything or for it to blossom into something more like it once did before though.

[Donovan79]

People still poke each other on FB? I so didn't get that memo. Is MySpace coming back strong too?!

 

Mizz, print out that highly detailed post and show it to your friends. Show it to your professors. Show it to nearby waiters and waitresses and bartenders nearby. Show it to preschool kids and the guys that ride the trash trucks. Show it to your local mayor. Every goddamn one of them -- without exception -- will say "Damn, girl... you are clearly really stuck up on this guy. Go get him back!" No woman in the world would detail the exact number of pokes and comments and posts and s#%& made in a half hour if she only wanted to be friends.

 

You're in deep denial, and I'm not sure why. Fear of getting rejected again, probably. There's nothing wrong with wanting him back. Most of us do. Just be honest with yourself about it. You can't fix anything that's wrong until you admit the problem. If you want him back, my guess is you probably can. If you don't, you gotta learn why the friends thing isn't a good idea. I hope you're okay.

[mpeer]

ChrisMac is right. Don't talk or become a friend to the ex. It just prolongs what seem like your subconscious desire to hold onto hope. I learned the hard way thinking I am healed enough to talk to him again. Instead I find myself analyzing and anxious over his responses which is a huge sign that I am not healed. You sound like you are in a similar situation. Please don't hold onto hope.

[Mizz]

What the hell? No need to be sarcastic/rude about it. Did I do anything to you? No.

 

Ok look, the thing is that I am not being totally honest with myself here. Would I like to try and see if things could be worked out? Sure, who wouldn’t. Because it didn’t end on a necessarily bad note. I never begged or pleaded at any point and I gave him space and also allowed myself time to reflect back too and get my emotions in check. We then set things on better/friendly terms like he originally wanted after some time. I realized what went wrong in the relationship, reflected on how I’d act and how things were handled, and they weren’t always handled the best way (on both of our parts), but people make mistakes. I am not blaming him or myself for what happened because there were just unaddressed issues/problems that we should have talked about, that contributed to the BU. I know what they are though, what most likely happened, how it can potentially be “fixed”. I am aware that regardless if I talk to him it possibly just wouldn’t work out and he would hear what I have to say but still be so set on wanting to have nothing to do with a relationship with me. Which I very well know could happen, I am prepared for anything and don’t expect anything though. I’d at least would walk away knowing I tried. I just am unsure of how to approach it all since ultimately I would just like to talk to him face to face.

 

Actually... Last summer we almost broke up before. It was my graduation. We went back to his house after and were playing xbox, Nazi Zombies on COD WAW. He'd always check the score and I remember jokingly saying (though my tone was a bit sarcastic) "OMG It's not a competition!" and he raised his voice back at me, I totally forget what he said but he was mad. I got kinda pissed, cause I was only joking, and he raised his voice cause he thought I was being serious. I said "either way you don't have to talk to me like that" and he said "I'm sorry but it sounded like you were serious" we both thought each other was wrong. But we went on after that fine, seemingly happy. I had gotten over it, I thought he had too... At my graduation party like a week after the whole disagreement thing he seemed happy, but something seemed wrong, like... his attitude. It was just, off. I felt like something was up. But he was still being nice/sweet everything seemed fine. So then we are still going on like everything's all good, though he seemed a little odd. But otherwise fine! 2 weeks later it's like idk, July 2nd? We meet up and I am looking forward to seeing him. He sits me down after meeting up and starts off by saying... well actually when this happened I sent a message to my friend about it on facebook (even though this was in like 2011) but here's what happened when we almost broke up I wrote this to a friend:

 

"So today he and I decided to hang out. We texted this morning as we usually do every day and we texted all up until we met up. Everything seemed normal and happy. Well we walked and met half way as usual. I saw him and I was all excited like I usually am. I went in for a kiss but he hugged me first, no kiss, I didn't think much of it. Then he said to me "can we go sit on those steps over there in the shade?" I said "of course. Yeah, it's hot. We can always cool off in rite aid too if we need to." and he said "oh yeah that's right". I honestly thought he was hot from walking and just needed to sit down for a break to cool off. So then he brought up how he first saw me at lunch, how he thought I was cute. I said "aww, I thought the same thing! I thought oh he's cute I want to talk to him but I thought it wouldn't work since everyone I think is cute I never talked to and it never worked with anyone else I thought was cute" and then he was like "and how I first called you up to hang out." and I said how I remember that day and how I didn't care how it was raining and how I just wanted to see him. Then he was like "and then when I asked you out" I was like "yeah! Aww I remember that, you asked if I wanted to see a movie, and then you said I didn't have to if I didn't want to" and he was like "yeah, I asked you and I said feel free to say no" and I was like "and I said yes, of course, how could i say no! Aww, and here we are today" with a HUGE smile on my face and then I said "I love you". So of course we were sitting there and I didn't think anything was wrong. I just thought it was cute he was bringing up all of that. Then he was all "yeah ever since then we've been like this (and he crossed his fingers)" and at that point I still thought it was cute and then he dropped a f*cking bomb and was like "but now, I feel like I'm drifting away from you and I don't know what I can do about it." and he started crying. So at that point I first thought "W.T.F?" but then I of course started crying too cause I was so damn confused and I was like "what? What do you mean?!" and he went on about how ever since we had some stupid argument like 2 weeks ago that he felt distant from me and that he didn't feel a connection anymore with me all because he couldn't see my side of the argument. Like he couldn't see why the argument at the time upset me, he felt like he did nothing wrong so in his mind that made him think our relationship was about to fail cause he couldn't consider "my feelings". So I was like "but we resolved this weeks ago! You lead me to believe everything was ok. We both apologized! I thought we were over this!" well apparently he wasn't and just decided to tell me today how it's been bothering him. How ridiculous is that? Well I told him how the argument was stupid when it happened and how he only felt like he couldn't see my side when it happened because he thought he was right, and how I thought I was right too in the argument and that we both thought the other person was wrong. So then he agreed with me and was all "omg you felt the same way! We feel the same way about this then " so that made him feel better. And then I was like still crying cause it was still confusing as all hell and weird cause I kept thinking how the situation went from happy to sad in like 5 minutes. But we worked it out. It was just so weird. Like I thought nothing was wrong and it's so weird that argument bothered him that much and made him feel that way towards me."

 

I thought right then and there he was ending it last year. But we worked it out, talked about it! THAT TIME, so it was saved. His thinking is just so... odd about things sometimes, he holds things in.

 

Meanwhile, a year after that (April 2012)... Things feel odd for a couple weeks, but he was still sweet (hmm same pattern), says we're gonna be together the day it ends, still acting sweet, then just ends it... with no real legitimate reasons other than “I’m just not ready for a serious relationship”. And he didn't want to talk about it. Honestly, I think he was just really overwhelmed with unaddressed issues, he was stressed about school, getting college things together, graduating, then there was me not being as happy cause I was getting stressed and I'd get bummed out more cause something felt not right, he was also overwhelmed with wanting time to see friends more and his own personal space but also just making me still happy on top of that, it was just taking a toll on us both. So he ended it to get away from everything. And he holds EVERYTHING IN as in like how he feels for a while, like you saw with that time last time we almost broke up. So I had no idea, but well after reflecting I know now what pretty much happened. Given how he is he just was so overwhelmed this is how he handled it. I wasn’t as happy, I was worried and more nervous because I knew things would change (like him being in college, getting a job) but I still wanted it to work so I’d act just more emotional and pretty much panicked a bit, wasn’t acting like myself cause everything already felt odd, but I’d try to talk about how I just wanted things to work out and he was getting overwhelmed, it was all bringing him down too. Communication was something we had been working on in our relationship. It's a shame he didn't want to talk the day he ended it at the time we could have probably worked it out. Though I do remember saying "is it space? do you want more space? I'll give you more space!" "is it college, school? are you nervous?" and he said "no" even though later he had told me how everyone was asking him things about college, his life/future and he became overwhelmed and didn't want to do any of it anymore. I think he really was just having a hard time dealing with everything on top of that him feeling bad about how I felt too recently, we weren’t addressing the problems so it just was inevitable. But doesn't what happened seem SO similar to our almost BU last summer?! Same pattern, holding things in and not really talking about it and him then feeling like it just wasn’t working.

 

I don't know how he feels now, if it's the same way that "no we can't be together" or what. That's why I really want/need to talk to him just to figure it out. Maybe it could give him some perspective of how I saw it all. Maybe see if he'd see it in a different light or want to work it out after I tell him what I think really happened since he originally just didn’t want to talk about it at all. He’d always tend to shut himself down emotionally and not really open up (which I know isn’t healthy) he’d sort of need a little cautious persuading to feel comfortable to really talk about things.

 

He was open to the idea of some day meeting up to talk though, said he’d like to. I don’t expect it to go a certain way or for us to even necessarily work it out but then I know at least I had to say what I wanted and tried either way.

 

I am just still trying to figure out how to approach it. Given how I know how he is/acts. I did give him the option to text me when he’d want to, I was figuring I still just shouldn’t first again. But I know if I did he would talk to me. I’m just trying to figure when it’d be best to meet face to face and talk to him. If he should suggest it or if I should just ask. Because he doesn’t ignore me, I know if I asked he would see me. But I want to approach it the best way I can and I am not sure if I should continue to remain nice and see what happens or just flat out say “hey” start a small light conversation and ask him to meet up.

[Donovan79]

Sorry, didn't come off too harsh, but thanks for being more straightforward.

 

I guess what I don't get are the real reasons you broke up? You two pretty clearly still care for each other. There's a time to be in NC and heal and get over someone, and there's a time where it's more valuable to see them and talk and see if you don't want to resolve things. Are you so sure that he's not feeling the same way about Mizz?

[Mizz]

The reason he gave me when ending it was "I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Everyone was acting me questions about college, a job, moving out and it overwhelmed me, I'm not ready for any of it and I didn't want to do any of it anymore"... That answer didn't seem right to me though, like I knew there had to be something else.

 

But seeing as how last summer the almost BU was also out of nowhere when he brought everything up. His thinking last summer was almost like in his mind it was so confusing because he didn't know how to think of the situation/disagreement we had (that wasn't even like a real argument to begin with!) that he didn't know what else to do other than say he didn't think everything was going well, that we were "drifting apart" that time. But I talked to him last summer as that was happening, so it was "saved" since he was kinda just like "OMG! You're right!" with what I said actually was happening/why, it's like he didn't think about what happened at the time other than focusing that something wasn't right and he didn't know how to fix it cause he didn't tell me how he felt, he held it in.

 

Hmm, well that's what happened again but this time we actually did BU. He went on like everything was ok, was acting nice/friendly still though something still felt odd, he held in how he felt til one day just dropping it all on me. At the time I was confused of why it was ending, I wanted to talk about it as it was ending but he didn't at the time. After time to reflect, I know what happened with the BU, he was overwhelmed with getting things ready for college, graduating, school in general (he was struggling a bit with one class), he also wanted more time with friends (he never directly said it though implied it with certain things he'd say) and I was also stressed out from college, my finals (I was trying to pull my grade up in a class) I was also helping other people out with their issues and it was all bringing me down a bit, on top of that things between us seemed kind of odd so that didn't help either in how I felt, I didn't feel quite like my once happy self, he seemed a bit distraught lately before it ended cause he could see I wasn't as happy and he was also just trying to figure things out in his life and trying to on top of that still make me happy as well. And it's like he didn't know what to do. it took a toll on us both. Ending it was like his way to deal with it all/get away from built up unaddressed things. Communication was something we were working on. We should have talked before the BU happened or it probably could have been saved. Weeks later now he's open to meeting up/talking and liked the idea.

 

The thing is I don't know how he feels. He will talk to me if I talk to him he will be friendly though it seems like I had started the majority of the conversations since the BU.

 

But I know my ex, better than anyone here, just like we all know how our exes are, and I know how he is. Though when he gained interest in me a couple years ago, he made all the moves. Though after our break up, he could be holding himself back a bit because I mentioned before how he kinda "shuts down" and is more quiet and needs some persuading when it comes to more emotional stuff. But I had a feeling I was going to have to be the one to just ask him anyway since earlier like a week or so ago when I first brought it up he told me whenever I'd want to, so he was comfortable with it, would "like" to then when we first talked about it. I told him that he could pick, but I knew if I let that happen the thing is that it never probably would on his own accord. But he didn't ever ignore me when I first brought up a week or so ago meeting up face to face, though he told me whenever I wanted to, despite telling him he could pick I knew it's like he really most likely just wanted ME to pick cause he always had this thing where he never wanted me to feel awkward. So I think that's what it is.

 

So I started a conversation, general nice random conversation. Then at one point I brought up how the week went by fast then I asked him if he was doing anything Friday.

 

he said "Well I was gonna hang out with Cody, are you busy saturday? If yeah then I'll make room for tomorrow

 

So I replied with "Aww, well it's up to you. But if you made plans with Cody then go see him tomorrow and have a good time If you're serious about Saturday then we can do that then"

 

And he said how we could do that and the conversation died down/ended after that.

 

So we have plans to see each other this weekend. I plan to meet up, see how he reacts like emotion wise, facial expressions, gestures. And maybe talk a little about casual things and if/when the time is right possibly bringing up the relationship and what went wrong in it. Though I might not bring it up at all that time. It depends how he is acting and I figure unless he brings it up it might just be best to avoid altogether talking about for the time being.

[Donovan79]

My advice would be to go to the meetup, have fun, flirt a little, but do not bring up the relationship and don't make it clear that that's what you want. Let him bring it up himself. It'll work out far better in the long run if it's his idea.

[Mizz]

That's what I also figured would be best. It'll probably freak him out if I just randomly brought it up too. So best to not bring it up at all or unless it's his idea to talk about it.

 

We planned to meet up face to face tomorrow though I haven't seen him face to face since. It doesn't make me nervous but it's probably normal that I am wondering if this will actually happen or not. I never had been in a situation like this so I always try to figure how to handle it. I try not to over think things but I don't know if at a certain point later tonight if he doesn't talk to me today if I should start a casual brief conversation again, or how or if I should bring up and ask if it's still happening tomorrow or just wait and see if he contacts me or what...

[Mizz]

Well today was interesting.

 

He texted me this morning and after some general conversation we made plans to walk and meet up with each other.

We walked and met up. He was wearing a shirt I gave him. I don't remember which point I gave it to him, but I am pretty sure the shirt he was wearing today was the shirt I had left in my box of things I returned to him that was going to be his gift for our 2 year anniversary.

 

He saw me and had a huge smile on his face and hugged me, a tight hug and it was a long hug. After some point I was going to pull away but he then squeezed me tighter, so the hug went on a little longer and then ended. he asked me what I wanted to do and he then suggested "do you want to explore with me?". We talked as we walked around and he was telling me what was going on in his life, how he's seeing his one friend tomorrow that he hasn't seen in years. As we'd talk he'd also make jokes and we laughed. He asked if I was thirsty and let me have the water bottle he brought.

 

We walked around some more and we'd talk about random things, when we'd talk we'd kind of have some glances and smile. As we were talking about he also mentioned how he had money on him and that if I got hungry we could get something to eat somewhere. A bug flew into my face and he told me to "be careful" and asked if I was ok. It was kind of funny though.

 

At one point we got hungry so we went into Wawa and he asked me what I wanted. I just wanted a pudding. As he was ordering his sandwich he asked if I wanted a smoothie since he knew I always liked them so I got one. When the smoothie was ready I picked it up both of my hands were full at that point. He grabbed the straw and unwrapped it and pointed it towards my mouth for me to take it and I did with my teeth and said "thanks".

 

Before we left Wawa he was about to grab my hand but stopped himself. Then we walked over to sit somewhere and he ate while I finished up my drink. Then he suggested "do you want to keep walking now?" so we were going to start to walk again and he almost grabbed my hand again but then stopped himself and nervously said "oh, uhmmm, let me see that. I just wanted to try your smoothie."

 

We walked more and then wound up at his grandma's. We looked at old pictures of his family because he wanted to find this one image in particular of his grandfather to show me but he couldn't find it.

 

We then went to his house. His parents were happy to see me.

We just watched tv. At one point I asked if he wanted to do something else. So he showed me some video for some game that we both like, then we watched some funny things. Then we played some xbox. We shared the controller since it's a one player game. When we passed the controller we'd have longer gazes at each other. We were laughing and joking still. At one point he said he was going downstairs and asked if I wanted a snack. I said no thanks and continued with the game. He came back upstairs and walked in the room and held a brownie under my nose/face. We continued playing the game til it got later and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home.

 

I said "ok, sure, I know how you have to get up earlier tomorrow anyway. We talked today but I feel like we didn't get to talk too much" and he said "well about what? what would you want to talk about?" and I said "well, I haven't seen you in like a month, what's been up?" and I then remembered how he had told me earlier some things, I felt kind of lame like stuff just spewed out of my mouth haha. But he said "Just hanging out pretty much" and I joked about how the conversation we were having was "lame" but he knew I was joking and he laughed and said "well you didn't start a bigger one!" and then he asked "well what about you?" and I said "well pretty much just the same thing". and then I started getting my things together before I left and he smiled and said "tonight was nice, we can hang out again sometime" and I said "it was and sure, we can do that" then my sense of humor can be odd, but he knows when I am joking, I said "If you'd text me. Any other time I'd say 'text me sometime' It'd be days later and you never would start a conversation" and he laughed and said "Oh come on Jackie, I do" and then he said "well I wouldn't text you like every day. wouldn't that seem desperate? so I'd just text you later in the week" and I said "well then it's almost awkward" and then out of nowhere he hugged me again. And it was another really long hug, his breathing was a slightly faster, and it was silent as we hugged. I can be really random sometimes, but both of us always were so I blurted out after some time "you still smell nice" and he kind of laughed and said "thank you" and pulled away from the hug smiling and looked into my eyes and said "ok now let's go" though his eyes seemed kind of watery. He drove me home and my dad and brother were standing by the door, they were not too happy. My ex just waved at them, laughed (possibly he was nervous), and then looked at me smiled again and said "ok, see ya" and then I got out of the car and he waved to me and left.

 

An hour after getting home I sent him a text saying how tonight wasn't bad. How my dad and brother standing at the door was interesting but in a way kind of almost funny. he replied saying how "yeah they saw me waving to them lol. and I gotta seep" (yes he said "seep" it's some thing we used to say instead of "sleep". he is getting up early so I understood that he had to go).

 

I was fine with him, didn't feel nervous or emotional at all. It was interesting and I actually had a nice time. But I almost didn't know how to feel to see that pictures of me and him together were still in his house. In his room the picture he had of us by his bed is put on another shelf/tilted down. But he still has hanging up a picture I drew of us together, still has saved the huge box from a box of Valentine's candy I got him, still has all the cards I ever gave him sitting on the same shelf too. Also that he was wearing a shirt I got him today. And how he acted towards me, his body language in some cases in particular. It was sort of a bit confusing.

[the dude91]

But end of the day, you two cannot work out ever again

 

I hate seeing people say this... Things do work out from time to time and every time I see these I think of what happened with Volkslad...

 

People always feel differently in different situations but just because of the way things turned out in one situation doesn't mean that's how it'll be in every situation. For the most part the suggestions made here are what's really needed and is what works but other times things work differently. In my case I was just ready to move on until I heard that the guy she started dating was abusing her, at first I didn't believe her until her mother AND father confirmed it to me. Then more and more things started coming to surface, sure I wish I never heard about the things because things are just difficult and tiring right now and I could be moving on very well right now. Although now I'm back to the point of just leaving and continuing the path of moving on.

 

The times she and I talked were very good and fun like things used to be but I still acted disinterested, because I was since I've been hanging out with new women. I take everything she says about missing me, loving etc. with a grain of salt although I keep the option of reconciling open for the time being. I know I don't need her and I know I could find better than her but that love I had for her still lingers a little and for the moment. So yes she and I have been in contact, I'm having worthless attempts to get her to leave an abusive friendship and am getting to the point of exhaustion and just letting her fall on her a**. I don't want to, but there's no point on wasting this energy on her when summer quarter starts at the end of the month, I have more important things to concentrate on. It makes me kind of wonder that since I'm having thoughts like that so casually that I've still been moving on after all or what? At the beginning of the BU I was weak and pathetic, did the begging and all. But now I just look at leaving her alone for good as an okay option. Hmm.... maybe just false hopes on my part.

[the dude91]

I was fine with him, didn't feel nervous or emotional at all. It was interesting and I actually had a nice time. But I almost didn't know how to feel to see that pictures of me and him together were still in his house. In his room the picture he had of us by his bed is put on another shelf/tilted down. But he still has hanging up a picture I drew of us together, still has saved the huge box from a box of Valentine's candy I got him, still has all the cards I ever gave him sitting on the same shelf too. Also that he was wearing a shirt I got him today. And how he acted towards me, his body language in some cases in particular. It was sort of a bit confusing.

 

It sounds to me that he does want to work on getting you back but is nervous of denial, moving too fast etc. I suggest keeping things slowly like today, my ex and I have had similar days with flirting, snuggling and kissing involved which I kind of wish I didn't do but she initiated it, she knows how to push my buttons too well. I'm not sure if you still feel like wanting to see where things go or not meaning working on being back together. If that is the case then I suggest holding off any kind of talks about the past relationship of for a little bit longer, until he gives more direct signs of wanting to work things out. He obviously misses you a lot and wanted to show signs of still caring if he's kept all of that stuff up in his room. I know when my ex left me I didn't wear anything that she bought me, I just packed it up and put everything about her in my closet, but I was also the dumpee. Maybe flirt just a little on the next hangout, just a smiget. With the hand grabbing thing, he's just testing waters to see your reaction, to see if you'd be okay with it and let him do it. If you let him it'll just stroke his ego and give him assurance, I've tested it that way before, I suggest not doing it to make him question it a bit more, make him want it more.

 

That's all I'll say for now, I'm sleepy and my ex may come over in the morning, we have a planned movie day so she can catch up on True Blood but I feel she may not show up because I made her upset tonight by talking about how her ex is abusive and not on accidents, denial on her part and blinded by the fact they were best friends for awhile.

[Mizz]

That's what I was thinking, cause through text, he hasn't initiated contact too much, though will talk to me if I start a conversation and has started a few conversations on his own if I was specific about when to talk to me, he has not ignored me, and it'll be decent length responses. Talking to him through text sometimes can see a little odd but in person (well it was the 1st time I seen him in person since it happened) he acted different with the things he'd do, and towards me his body language especially. Those long hugs, the smiles, the glances, the little things he did like that brownie, the straw thing with the smoothie, almost going for my hand twice. We were playing that game (Skyrim) and he knows I like purple. He randomly was like "There's a purple tree in the game and it's really pretty, do you want me to show you it?".

 

There was nothing even remotely sexual between us yesterday. There was no kissing, no cuddles. We would sit closer in some situations, though not like he'd have his arm over me or any of that more comfortable closeness, he seemed a bit nervous sometimes and would adjust where he'd sit a lot, sometimes it'd be a little closer, but then he'd move a little more back or to a different spot to sit. He never did hold my hand because I didn't expect it, I just kind of looked at him and he'd try to play it off kinda fast. There wasn't obvious flirting but some of the looks or how I'd kind of joke with him over random things that'd happen that day was a little.

 

We weren't physically close at all other than when he was showing me that video online for a game when he offered for me to sit he rested his hand on my shoulder/back to sort of guide me into the seat. And the time we hugged when we met up and then the hug he randomly hugged me before I left.

 

I want to see where things go. I planned to hold off on any talk about the past relationship like you mentioned. He mentioned hanging out again some time so maybe he'd ask me at some point, or talk to me a bit more on his own accord, especially if he'd want to see me again.

 

I figured the things still in his room had something to do with that. I figured if he was completely anticipating moving on and being done with everything/me then he would have also put everything away or gotten rid of it. Wearing a shirt I got him yesterday, that was also just another sign I think. I had gotten rid of everything he had given me except for a couple pieces of jewelry I had liked. I don't wear them but have them. As for clothing and pictures and everything else you could think of I returned to him on a box, which he still has somewhere. Though I kept the things his parents gave me and will wear the pajamas or shirts they gave me since his parents didn't do anything to me.

 

If we hang out again I'd possibly try flirting just a little more, maybe seeing what longer gazes could do also. After a certain point or more than a few seconds I'd look away but I was curious what'd happen if I kept eye contact for longer than 5 seconds. I'd keep note of the things he'd do or his body language again. I'll see how things go or if he will contact me more on his own now. He can be kind of shy though, and reserved when he's unsure of how things will go (I know that for a fact) so I'll have to see what happens. I feel like regardless if he started having more interest or feeling more comfortable then he'd regardless show it more and more. Unless he's THAT afraid of being rejected? I don't know. I just have to see.

 

My family isn't too thrilled though that I saw him yesterday. They were kind of suspicious. They don't want me to get hurt again. And I am sort of being cautious too about all of this.

 

 

I hope it all works out for you TD91. I'm sure if you tried talking more about how you were just concerned and were caring, not trying to make her upset when you brought that up it could help a bit.

[Mizz]

I don't expect to talk to him every day, but it get's confusing still because seeing him the other day was nice and wasn't bad at all, we had a good time, we talked and joked/laughed, yet communication otherwise can seem a little distant. I know if i sent him something he would reply and not ignore me. Our conversations are always nice and not short. But when it comes to initiating texting, he has a few times if I was specific of when to send something, but any time I've kindly said "text me whenever you want to days would go by and I wouldn't hear anything.

 

He showed interest through some signs when we were together that day which I mentioned in the couple previous posts I made. So it's confusing when it comes to what to do with texting/communicating otherwise. It seemed as if he had interest in me though, but I wonder if he's just afraid of coming off too strong or also doesn't know how to go about this (sort of like how I also feel).

 

At the end of the night Saturday before I left he pretty much said he didn't want to seem desperate if he contacted me every day, so he'd just text me later in the week. I don't know if he was meaning it like this week he would or if it was just a figure of speech or an example of how he would approach talking to me.

 

Before I left he also mentioned how the night was nice and we can hang out again sometime, which I'd assume would mean he has interest in seeing me again at some point, so he'd possibly ask in time. The day we hung out he also told me how excited he was for that next day to see his best friend John who he hadn't seen in years, so I am sure he'd also at some point tell me how that went. I guess I should just go about my life as normal and see what happens in a couple of days? Otherwise I don't know if I should send something in a couple days or if I should wait.

[OutdoorsyDi]

I have no desire to hear from my ex after the way he treated me (lied, cheated, used). I had immediatey "unfriended" him on FB because "friends don't treat friends that way." Of course I had a perverse desire to continue to view his wall (I had suspected he had been cheating, which was confirmed). Once I knew for a fact he had been cheating, it removed all desire in me to have any contact with him - blocked him and I'm doing much better! Good luck.

[the dude91]

Yeah Mizz I suggest just going through your days normally, let him initiate the contact, which he will, and try not to keep checking your phone for him or anything, the less you do the less you think about it and the better the results meaning it'll come when you least realize it but you're continuing to do you and being happy, it'll get him really thinking and may even try harder to stay in more contact once he starts getting the feeling from you that it's okay for him to be in more contact. Just keep having those good fun texts. And yes he's definitely trying to keep playing it cool so he can feel like he has the ball in his court, let him feel that way and he'll break out of his shy shell, I'm shy myself. Also him putting his hand on your shoulder when showing you that video is another testing the waters kind of thing to see if you're comfortable with more physical contact I.e. deeper longer hugs or just more playful activities. But it seems like he's becoming less afraid of rejection with the hugs and such, just keep doing closer to what you did the first day, that way he won't know for sure if he can just have you back or not thus keeping him thinking, interested and trying.

 

And thanks, she and I are currently trying to work on being together again, she broke NC and we started talking more and more. The only thing holding us back right now is her poisonous best friend a.k.a. the ex she started dating less than a week after leaving me. Right now she doesn't want to lose us both but he treated her so badly... he'd always talk down on her, put her down, physically hurt her... she's blind to the friendship they shared before they started dating. Hopefully I can somehow get her to leave him behind but that method has yet to come to me.

[dave1981]

that was a tragic story about Volkslad

[Mizz]

For your situation, I am happy to hear you are working on reconciling! I really do wish you the best. She’s best friends with her abusive ex? If he treated her badly she needs to move on. She only sees the good about him I’m assuming then? Maybe if you convinced her to make a list of good and bad about him she could see if there’s more negative qualities? I don’t know why she’d want to hold onto him if he treated her that way. It only makes it harder for you because you only want what’s best for her and yourself and each other, and the abusive ex being there certainly hinders things a bit.

 

Thanks for the advice I know I shouldn’t anticipate a text all the time/day, which actually I have been pretty good with not looking at it/checking it constantly.

 

He never ignores me if I would start a conversation, and they’re all nice/lengthy conversations, I know I could text him if I wanted. But I just wonder if he will on his own because a few of the other times I let him know it’d be ok to text me when he’d want to, but days would pass and he wouldn’t.

 

So now my brain just thinks “in a few more days he still won’t”... Though If before (and a few times) I had told him to text me at a specific time/day he had. But last time we texted I sent him a message, and it was an hour or so when I had gotten home from seeing him. It was one message I sent him saying how the night wasn’t bad and mentioned how my dad and brother were standing at the door was unexpected. He replied a few minutes later to it saying how he noticed them and waved and how he must “seep” (which is sleep, it’s some way we used to type it to be cute). So I had replied to that saying how he should “seep” then and then nothing happened after that. I understood he had to go cause it was later at night and he was getting up early the next day to drive and see his friend with his family.

 

I hadn’t heard from him since that night, other than a couple “pokes” on facebook today, but those aren’t anything.

 

But I’d like to see this time if HE would start a conversation now. Something was different since the last time we had a full conversation through text, it was the fact that now I had seen him in person. Which makes it totally different now in that if he has interest in seeing me again (since he mentioned we could again and how it was nice) that he’d at some point have to talk to me then.

 

Though, I know how he is, he is shy sometimes and especially with stuff like “love” or “liking”, he can get nervous or unsure of himself if he doesn’t know how I feel. I know how he can think too, so technically last time he started a conversation that morning before we met up, so if days go by he’d possibly wait and see if I would start one.

 

That happened before, like last week I think. I started a conversation and then casually said something like “It had been about a week, you hadn’t texted me or started a conversation so I decided to and he said “I believe the last time I texted you first so it had been days and he figured he started that conversation before that and was waiting I suppose for me to the next time.

 

I guess he almost is trying to see how I feel or if I would after he had the time before? It’s like we both have some interest yet are still unsure how to go about it or how each other feels exactly. I know it takes two people to make things work so I can’t want or expect him to start every conversation, which he hasn’t, I felt like I had started a lot of them, though I then realized how he had started a few too or about half at least.

 

I know if I wanted to I could start a conversation, but either way I’ll wait a couple days just to see. But I just have to go about my days as usual and try not to think too much/hard about it.

 

But I want him to feel comfortable so that he does feel less shy. Ahh jeez, it’s like literally how it seemed from when we first started to “like” each other cause I suppose that’s pretty much what it’s like.

 

I figured the hand on my shoulder guiding me into the chair was a testing the water thing again, but then I didn’t know if it was due to habit, same as the almost hand holding thing, I questioned if it was due to it just being a habit from all that time, but then again if he didn’t have interest I’d think he’d make it a point to just not to do that altogether then.

 

I question stuff sometimes or what happened, or what seems to be going on, analyze it, which i know isn’t always good, cause there were some signs of interest it didn’t look or feel like anything would be like when you’re with a friend or LOOK at a friend. It was like being around someone that “likes” you, like the way a person looks/acts when they have interest. but at the same time I didn’t want to get my hopes too high.

 

If we hang out again I’d have it like the first day again with how I acted. I don't know if HE knows I am interested though... Which I guess makes it almost better cause then maybe he'd try more. I mean I dated him for 2 years and I wasn't uncomfortable around him when I saw him again but I didn't want to come off too strong either. But when he'd gaze at me I'd look into his eyes for a few seconds and smile then after some time sort of turn back, I was comfortable yet sort of oddly shy at the same time. I guess a little nervous of what could have happened if I gazed at him longer, what he'd think, if it'd seem awkward. But if he'd be close to me I wouldn't move away, we'd look over at each other and smile and joke/laugh. But now I am curious, if I did gaze longer next time we'd possibly hang out if it could lead to a kiss or something. I didn't know if kissing him that day would have been too much, or if the next time that’d also be too much. I’m just going to have to see how he’d act if we hang out again, and I’ll just keep doing what I had like last time.

[the dude91]

For your situation, I am happy to hear you are working on reconciling! I really do wish you the best. She’s best friends with her abusive ex? If he treated her badly she needs to move on. She only sees the good about him I’m assuming then?

 

Yes that's what I'm assuming, either that or she thinks that she can somehow have the old friendship they once had back without the weight of the old relationship on it. But it's as if he's manipulating her into thinking that she'll never have another friendship like the one they once had. But after some information she told me today (She used to take a depo shot but stopped while we were together and then started using it again once we broke up, he was abusing her to make her sleep with him) I finally just put my foot down and said no more. I will not tolerate his presence any longer, so we'll see where it goes from here. Hopefully she makes the right decision right? I feel I've been one of those rare cases where I didn't have to use NC for as long as others have had to use it. I know for a fact I let it break much too soon but somehow it seems to be working out. I just hope that it lasts since I haven't been able to follow the steps all the way through, I never truly "Moved on" but I was getting close. But I am strong enough to forgive her, everybody makes mistakes and I just hope that she learned from hers, she definitely seems to have.

 

You and I are stuck with the same curse of over analyzing/thinking on things, it can be good and it can be bad like a double edged sword. But with him still using the word "seep" shows that he still wants you, he hasn't let anything of you go yet or even really tried to with that on top of other signs. Sadly my ex doesn't really use all of the things we used to when we texted or when we're together but there are still some aspects there which shows she did try to change and let go but couldn't let it all go thus why she's coming back to me. So you two would essentially have an easier time than we are.

 

But again with the shy thing, I'm shy with the same reasons. Just know that if you do really show interest back, as my ex did to me, things may go a little too fast for you since then he'll either A). Start making greater bounds to get you back in a relationship really fast or B). Lose interest because he knows he could have you back at anytime. But I'm willing to bet on option A which could cause some problems. One thing I know and have read, the faster a relationship starts the faster it ends. You guys old relationship is dead and in the past, there can be some things you two can bring back but essentially it's gone which means starting over which you two have already started. Don't move too fast, take it slow.

 

I just suggest still holding off contacting him for at least a few more days and if you get nothing then just a simple, "Hey, just wanted to see you're still alive," kind of thing but maybe not those words exactly because that doesn't sound like something you'd say in the first place. Haha

 

The holding hands thing, body language and hand on your shoulder isn't really much habit, it's definitely testing waters to see your reactions, to find your comfort zone and work into it. So yes you're right, if he didn't have interest it wouldn't have even "almost" happened.

 

So from what I'm gathering from the outside, it seems like you two are really acting like when you first started "liking" each other which is really good. That's the whole point of NC, to reconnect to your old selves, the person you were when you got the other persons attention that made you so attractive, although from seeing your profile picture you're already very attractive. Once you are your old selves again you can then start thinking with a clear head if you'd really want that person back or not because at this point you should be your own source of happiness. If you do decide you still want him back you must realize you are starting over again which means that some of the talks you two may have had in the past, not sure if you two talked about the future or not, must not make a reappearance, at least not very soon. With my ex it was almost the first thing she started talking about, about how she wants to marry me, be the mother of my kids etc. and it made me kind of defensive because I was thinking to myself how could she say that after she left me for another guy? If it could happen once it could happen again right? But after talking with her more and more for a month, still not enough time IMHO, I started to feel like she really learned her lesson and started accepting what we wanted back. But it should still take time to accept or want it back. So you guys are definitely on a better track to reconcile than I was, so if you stick to it it'll work out but that's where the real work begins.

 

Hope I've been a bit helpfull!! Sometimes talking with your ex again isn't so much of a bad thing but I stress SOMETIMES, very FEW times in fact.

[Mizz]

Some exes do remain friends, but she is working on being with you and also that relationship she had with him was abusive, so it’s toxic! He was manipulating her for sex? I am glad you put your foot down! I’d hope she makes the right decision, if you are trying to help her then I’d think she may. My NC period was also not a long as others typically go through it, mine was 2 weeks but I realized a lot in that time, and things didn’t end on a bad note or with begging or pleading, just confusing and sadness which is pretty typical. So in two weeks time I had plenty of time to reflect, I am sure he did as well since he was actually happy to hear from me again and talk, I don’t know if he is in fact regretting it (cause I don’t know how he feels) though the signs I have seen when I was with him last weekend I’d say it could be possible. Though of course I am being careful and not trying to get my hopes up too high. It’s one of those things that I think in time I’d be able to understand more or maybe at some point he might actually tell me how he feels if he does in fact have interest. My NC period and how I handled it was almost like yours, I was doing well and emotionally got myself back and realized what went wrong in the relationship though slight feelings lingered. Everyone does make mistakes, it’s good if you’re willing to forgive, I have the same feelings when it comes to my ex as well regarding things that happened.

 

Over analyzing/thinking is awful, but I have tried to not do that so much now. He’s still using little words/phrases from when we were together, the same inside jokes, so I’d think that’s positive as well.

Your ex may be trying to get more comfortable again, she wants to be with you and work on things but maybe she has to ease more into it all again before using cute little words/phrases you used to use when talking. I still use some with my ex, like “seep” and other inside jokes, though he uses the word “yesh!” still sometimes and I don’t say it back, but I am sure in time I would again.

 

He can be shy, but when we were together I was acting neutral. Deep down did I want to kiss and get closer (no, not sex though, just sitting closer etc) but I refrained, kept it cool. Smiled and looked at him, but not huge indications. I’d hope he wouldn’t move too fast, but he’s so shy when he’s uncertain that he’d probably take it slow. I’d like to take it slow, like a new courtship altogether, cause that’s what it is. I wouldn’t want to jump too fast into anything because then I’d think it’d fail, get back to the same spot we were and things would get old fast. It’s a time to start new/fresh.

 

Well holding off for a couple of days with talking to him I would have done if he hadn’t contacted me randomly yesterday around 6pm. We had a nice/random conversation, it went well. He started it by saying “hey JacJac!” which I assume is some new nickname thing, idk lol. But I replied after about 10 minutes how “I think my aunt calls me that sometimes, I forget actually lol. But that’s different. Hey Nicknack” and he replied really fast and said “I wanted to switch it up. hey!” and we talked til he was tired and we said good night.

 

I don’t know why I thought the hand thing was a habit, I just thought it might have been because we were so used to doing that when we dated, the whole walking and always holding hands. But since you’re a guy I guess you’d actually know XD.

 

Yes! It feels and pretty much seems just like it had when we first started to “like” each other all that time ago before we dated. he even contacted me yesterday around 6pm, which I remember before things got really serious in our relationship that’s what he did as well, sent me something around 6. Is that odd? I mean like the SAME time of contact as it was before we dated, is that some subconscious thing? NC helped me get my confidence back and made me happier, maybe NC did the same for him. And thank you for the compliment My ex and I did talk about the future sometimes, what it’d be like if he ever proposed, he’d tell me he’d cry of happiness if I ever said “yes” and he’d ask me when I’d least expect it, what it’d be like to have a house or kids though of course we didn’t plan on that any time soon, just talking about what the house might look like and how “cute” the kids would be, we weren’t in a rush for any of that though since we are still so young. We didn’t talk about that kind of stuff often though. Sometimes girls talk about the future because they want reassurance that you SEE a future with them, though early on in the relationship I can see how it’d sort of make a guy feel that way. It’s good if in time you realized more that your ex was serious! It takes some time to gain that trust again, I hope it continues going well for you. I’m going to keep each day happy and just see where it goes in time. Not rush anything.

 

You have been helpful! I wish you the best, keep us posted