Talking to your ex

[Mizz]

There’s a NC thread, but what about those of us who have talked to an ex again or are talking? And I don't mean with just breaking NC, I mean just after some healing time, after genuinely accepting that the relationship is over and are talking again.

 

Maybe contact not necessarily for hopes of reconciliation (though some on here may be hoping for that) but some maybe just seeking closure.

 

Either way, it might be interesting to start a diary type of thread for people on friendlier/neutral terms with their exes.

 

It might sound like an odd thread, but I figured those of us who are in contact with an ex could post how their conversation went and how they felt afterwards or if they’re confused of what to do, people can offer advice.

 

---------------------

 

In my situation, after dating my ex for 2 years, a month since we broke up. I feel rather neutral towards him. I was accepting of the break up. We hadn't talked too much since it happened but in the times we have if he sends me a message my heart doesn't start to jump, I don't feel butterflies, I don't get nervous. If I see his picture pop up on facebook it's just pretty neutral, like just seeing and talking to someone I know, just a friend.

 

Looking back, if I could think of what happened with the break up, it was so impulsive on his behalf, it was a rough last few weeks before it ended, though the couple weeks before all of that were nice. But I was getting stressed from school, thinking about the summer, how things would work, he was feeling pressure from graduation and getting everything ready for college, I'd assume other stuff in his life too was overwhelming him and maybe he felt like we were seeing each other a lot on top of all of that. He was still being nice/sweet and we still enjoyed our time together but then would just say the oddest things sometimes related to "space" like how we didn't always have to see each other, how it's good to switch things up. I think a lot of time together was overwhelming him a bit too, to him it maybe started to feel like more work and not "fun" anymore because I was getting more sensitive over things and the more he seemed to act slightly different. I was feeling worse and worse emotionally about things that would happen, more sensitive to stuff, just a combination of past events and how he'd handle things would make me feel bad. I guess it all was taking a toll on us both. I was questioning my happiness and the relationship too before it ended. Just he was the one that ended it first. We were still nice to each other all before it ended, even up until the point. Even now he's not mean to me, though seems a little distant in ways, which I'd assume is normal cause we broke up. I am not blaming myself though for why it ended, or him. it was just, inevitable. Sometimes I wish he would have just talked to me honestly about some time apart, or if he had a problem, even just to be honest and maybe work it out before we broke up. I still think he was so overwhelmed that it was the most drastic thing he could have done to just get away from everything. But since, I have accepted it’s over. Have been moving on. Things are on friendly/neutral terms so I don’t mind talking to him but then also don’t mind if we don’t talk. I don’t necessarily want to reconcile, but at least at some point to maybe see him face to face and discuss what happened, just see where things go.

 

 

The last time I talked to my ex it was last night.

It was all friendly, he first said “hey jackie!” I had to take a double take at my phone cause I didn't expect him to message me. He asked me what was up all nicely and I explained how I went out with friends and I mentioned the names of the ones who went and how my one friend’s bf couldn’t make it. and he replied and said “What he couldn’t make it? I thought he was going?”... Okay, how would he have known who was going? I didn't tell him that I had plans to go out or with who because before this we hadn't talked in days, there's no way he could have known because it's not like I told him I was going out with my friends. Well, when I planned to go out with friends it was all through comments on this one photo everyone was tagged in. On the comments my one friend planned to go with her bf but last minute he couldn’t make it. That’s the only way my ex would have thought the guy was going, so he must have read all the comments on the picture? It was interesting... well the conversation continued he told me he saw his one friend Cody. He said how the kid has a bad rep (this kid Cody got expelled from my high school) but how he’s a really nice guy and how it should be overlooked rather than the mistake the kid made (which was really random of my ex to say but I won’t look too deep into it as if it’s some metaphor or something). But all of the conversation was just still friendly, nothing bad came up, we didn’t talk about the relationship. Though he asked “what’s up with facebook?” meaning some message I sent him weeks ago that he read yesterday which I suppose prompted him to text me in the first place. Weeks ago I sent a message to my ex and at the time he and I were still dating, the message consisted of me saying I felt kind of awkward because I commented on his one picture saying how I cut his hair and how he looked “handsome”, he ignored my comment/compliment yet liked another guy’s comment saying “you shouldn’t have cut it. He looks gay now”. But my ex said “you said I hated my haircut? I love the haircut you gave me ” which I explained what happened, how that message was from weeks ago, how now I don’t feel bad about anything. I said how he didn’t have to explain himself and that it’s good he likes his hair but after weeks I was understanding that he liked the kid's comment saying the haircut I gave him was “gay” cause they were joking. He was understanding and so was I. We sort of just were being random/silly like we always had been before. At one point he replied to one of the things I said about how I am always cold and like smush against warm things, him saying “aww hehe that’s so adorable XD”. we talked a bit more and it was dying down a bit, still nice, still friendly, but I know he was probably getting tired (as in sleepy, not bored) cause he always acted a certain way when he’d be tired, he wouldn’t say as much and reply a little slower, where earlier it had been enthusiastic. So I ended it first cause I could tell it was kinda dying and he was probably tired. I had never really ended any conversation with him first, rarely I would, cause usually I’d want to talk to him until he wanted to sleep/go... but last night I ended the conversation first. I said something about my room feeling super stuffy and how I was going to go to bed soon. He replied with “awww hehehe that’s horrible. well I shall sleep too” (he used shall, he never really had used that word before, but I had used that word earlier in the conversation). But then I took some time to reply, I was going to say good night, but by the time I sent it like 10 mins later he had turned his phone off cause my message never went through to him. I figured since I hadn't really ever ended a conversation before he must have thought me saying "i'm going to bed soon" was just my last message and that I wouldn't reply after, well I don't know haha. But either way he eventually read that last text.

 

Overall, it kinda almost felt like it did when we first were starting to "like" or talk to each other all that time ago. But there was no butterflies or nervous moments. It was just silly/random conversation like I remember it being a while ago. (we had random/silly conversations when dating, but before it ended the conversations were more filled with how I felt, my emotions, trying to work on things). I’m not going to read more into it than it could be though. In my last message last night that he eventually got when he turned his phone back on I had said a joke too that we used to think was funny. And then I said how it was nice talking to him though, how it always had been. then I said how he can always text me whenever he wants. then I ended the message with good night. I figured ending it with a joke we used to laugh at might possibly make him think of me. And by saying how he can text me whenever he wants, it again leaves him the option to talk when he wants to.

 

We hadn’t talked today at all. I didn’t text him and he didn’t text me. I was fine with that though cause I don’t mind if we do or don’t talk cause either way I am happy. Though he had “poked” me on facebook today a few times, which is really not much of anything.

 

I'll have moments where I think "it doesn't matter if I talk to him, it's almost been a month since our break up anyway so why bother?" but he was my first real love, a special place in my heart. Again, I don't care if I do or don't talk to him at this point. In time I may figure even more that it really just doesn't even matter at all if I do actually get to talk face to face with him about what happened or not. But for the time being it's on fairly good terms between my ex and I. I'll just see what happens.

[Heidern]

Why bother talking to an ex? I guess if you're into playing games then it's fine, but I really don't see the point. That person chose to not be with you, so respect yourself and get out while you can. When someone breaks up with you they're basically saying "It was good while it lasted, but I'm just not happy with you." These pointless conversations can take you nowhere fast. There are plenty of other people out there, so go hang out with someone else.

 

I'm starting to believe it's perfectly fine for me to be pissed off at my ex. She cheats on me, dumps me, moves on quickly and then I'm supposed to sit here and try to feel indifferent? Indifference is always the goal, but being ticked off at her stupid selfish acts will do just fine. Let your emotions out, and make the best move thinking about you and only you.

[Mizz]

Hence one of my last statements I made,

I'll have moments where I think it doesn't matter if I talk to him, it's almost been a month since our break up anyway so why bother?

 

Through talking to him I don't know what would happen, but I don't "plan" to "win" him back, I never begged or pleaded for him to take me back in the first place. I had enough self respect to stay away and not even talk to him for a couple of weeks post BU. I don't "get my hopes up" or get excited talking to him either. I don't anticipate or feel much really. It's just on neutral terms. But even in time I might just stop all contact, or maybe he would too. I'm prepared for whatever happens because I already don't mind if I do or don't talk to him. So whatever would happen it doesn't affect me. There's no mind games going on. I'm moving on either way and have been happy regardless.

 

Of course it's best to focus on yourself though, not dwell on the past, move on. But all relationships end differently though, different circumstances. And everyone's different too. Sometimes it's more of a mutual break up between people too. It's like starting off new after a break up. The old relationship is gone and in the past. Some might see it pointless talking to an ex, while there's some individuals who don't mind talking after some time.

[Streetbob]

When I broke NC after 2 months (back there now).

 

One thing that the ex said to me was "I would hate the thought of us never speaking again".

 

I agreed with that.

 

If we can't be lovers/in a relationship - then so be it.

 

But as a person and a friend I respect her and want her (eventually in my life). My task, through NC is to come to terms with that - whatever the outcome.

 

Ultimately, I just hope that she is happy.

 

SB

[Heidern]

If you are really over him, then you wouldn't mind not speaking to him again. I'm not saying this is your case, but maybe you're just going through one of those cycles where you feel like you don't need your ex, but then a day or so after you're going back to him for your fix. If you're truly going to focus on your life, then do what's best for yourself: remove the source of pain. Maybe you guys were good friends and all, but he doesn't see you as anything but that -and he could quite possibly be looking into using you in a near future. I've been in this situation before and the best advice I can give you is get out while you can. Really. Let him go do his own thing while you figure things out on your own.

 

You don't NEED him, neither as a friend nor as a boyfriend. Remember that.

[Mizz]

I said before how I didn't mind if I never spoke to him again. I don't stare at my phone waiting for him to call/text me I move on with my life either way. I never crawled back to him in cycles, I stayed away for the most part, left him alone. Reflected back on the relationship, realized a lot. If he talks then he talks, if not then I'm not bothered. He doesn't cause me any "pain" though, not anymore, cause I've accepted it's over, have been focusing on my life either way, and know the factors of why it didn't work out. I know I don't need him, I don't depend on him for happiness and never did, we hadn't even talked very much since we broke up anyway. I just don't mind talking to him, now, and either way I am prepared for whatever happens. My guard is up, I don't anticipate anything anyway. I wouldn't mind if I never saw him even face to face again. The point of the thread was to see where it goes. And for anyone else to contribute their experiences if they wished to.

[Heidern]

I wouldn't mind if I never saw him even face to face again. The point of the thread was to see where it goes. And for anyone else to contribute their experiences if they wished to.

Understood. My opinion is that in my particular case I no longer wish to "see where it goes." I'm still dealing with some unresolved issues, but I've truly accepted that there is no "us" anymore. I can only wish I was as mature as you are at your age to be able to accept the end of a 2-year relationship within 2 months.

[Mizz]

I hope that's not sarcasm... I was able to come to terms that it was over and accept it fairly quickly because honestly I had doubts if I was happy too and if it was working even before he ended it. Months before it ended I'd question if I'd want to be with him, if that's what I wanted, sometimes at night I'd cry because it just didn't seem the same. We had a lot of unresolved issues too we'd "work" through them but then the way he'd handle things or situations would sometimes make me feel worse. But I'd try to move on anyway. We were still sweet with each other, still enjoyed being together, we never even really fought, just over time the negative feelings built up, it'd bring me down, it completely started affecting how I felt about myself and the relationship. It just was taking a toll on us both, along with other situations overwhelming him lately. A couple weeks before it ended I made a list of "good" and "bad" qualities of the relationship. I wrote them down but never shared them with him. So when it ended I was sad, though deep down I had been thinking the same thing for a little while.

 

So, things are on neutral terms now, I am seeing where it goes. I haven't even talked to him about my "realizations" or perspective on why it didn't work out. But if he one day would bring it up or want to talk we could. I don't necessarily even want to get back together, he hasn't shown any serious interest in wanting to either. It's just "Friendly" now. Either way I don't mind if we talk, don't talk.

 

I'm sorry if you still have unresolved issues though, but it's a good step to realize that you should focus on yourself, that things are different. It can be a bit discouraging when you try, really put your heart into it and get nothing but chewed up and spit back out. Just embrace your emotions as they come. Do what you need to do to move on.

[Heidern]

No sarcasm, I really do wish I was stronger at this point and able to get over this mess in a more timely fashion. The thing about relationships is that most people seem to think that by being in one they will be happy. You can be happier with a compatible partner, but happiness is about what YOU do with your life. I realize that part of the reason why my relationship failed is because I didn't really expect anything out of my partner whereas she expected the world out of me. I was happy with the way things were going in my personal life and kept working on our common goals; she chose to do nothing for herself and blamed our relationship for her lack of happiness. So it's something for me to learn from, and now all I can do is to keep doing more of the same and hope things turn out great.

[Donovan79]

Mizz, to be very blunt, there's a point where as a guy who has broken up with a girl who then starts ignoring you, you *always* want her back. Maybe not emotionally, maybe it's just for sex, or maybe you just want her attention, it differs, but we men are like wolves who piss on trees to mark their territory. No other wolves allowed on our property. Even if we don't want the girl back, we also don't want to think she's perfectly happy without us moving on, dating other guys. In our darkest heart of hearts, we want you to stay in your room crying and wanting us back forever. Because we think we're all that.

 

Your ex may be a little lonely and/or or horny, and good ol' Mizz is there, responding to him... hmm. Or he may be thinking "Damn, she seemed so into me but now she's just fine, what the hell? Why isn't she still crying? Let me see how fast she responds if I text her. Oh! Within five seconds. Yeah, I'm still the bomb." Or he was just bored and said eh, f#%& it, I wonder what she's up to." You can't know until you hear from him more.

 

But end of the day, you two cannot work out ever again, and you know this. And because he has that special place in your heart, friendship will also not be possible. It might have been a one-time thing, but if it does continue you're going to want to think really hard about why you're not cutting him off completely, both on the phone and on Facebook. There's a guy out there -- many, actually -- that if you start dating them a few months later you're going to think "Wow, I am so goddamn happy with this man, why did I ever like that tool?". But every time you keep in touch with your ex or even think about him, you push that moment away even further. Good luck.

[Mizz]

Which is what I have been careful of because I know possibly he's just bored, curious, and it could be nothing more than that. I don't know his motives but I of course considered all the possibilities of why he could be "friendly". I can't wonder or think what he's up too, it doesn't matter either cause we are not together, even if he did want to get back together he'd show more effort (which I don't even think he does, which I don't anticipate ever happening either).

 

In time I might just completely think "what the hell, why even bother talking at all? It's not the same and never would be anyway" which oddly each time I have talked to him it has reinforced that it's of course not the same. But for now I don't mind talking, we really haven't much since, but either way I have been moving on too. I've been going out more, focusing on myself.

[Zero71]

Well in my situation I went from having NC to LC to test how strong I've become. If it gets too troublesome I will put NC back in place. I set up boundaries and told her that I still need some space, but she can contact me if she wants to. Thus far she is doing most of the texting. Not once have I initiated contact after lifting NC. I like to believe that I trained myself to keep my distance. It been working. It feels as if the power balance shifted in my favor. I was the one who did most of the pursuing while she acts indifferent. Now I'm the one who's indifferent while she's proceeding with caution. Although I'm still very much in love with her and want her back. However, I refuse to show her weakness. Right now I hope that we will get back together one day but I'm just going to move forward regardless.

[Mizz]

Just be careful, don't push too much but then don't pull to much either. It's good you have the strength to allow her to contact you first and not show weaknesses. I don't know if you ended it or she did, but if things become neutral and on friendlier terms between you two (with out indifferences) I think eventually at some point both of you could start putting equal effort into contact. Especially if you do want her back and if she's showing the same mutual interest.

 

Otherwise don't dive in too quick, but don't totally push her away either if you may want her back. I think you have a good handle on it, just see what happens as time goes on, and keep moving on and evaluating how you feel.

 

I've been doing the same. Keep moving on, I gave him the option to contact me when he'd want (at first I did more of the pursuing after NC was lifted too). I flipped it around and told him if he wants to talk then he can, and if he ever would he knows where to find me. He hasn't since we last talked days ago. But I am ok with that. Things are on "friendlier" terms between us, I don't plan or want to reconcile though, just maybe at some point talk about what happened face to face. One of the last times we had talked he said some time we could meet up to talk, how he'd like that, how he still wants me to have my things back that I returned to him as well. Which in time I might not even care to do that anyway. He hasn't made much effort though. I am refraining from starting any type of contact. But I am seeing what happens. Either way I don't mind if we do/don't talk cause either way I have been just moving on too.

[GetOverItPlz]

(Devil's advocate in the building!)... when I read your posts, Mizz, you always make it a point to say that you don't want to reconcile, you're moving on, etc. In a way that almost seems like you're still trying to convince yourself that you're further along than you are. You say you don't care if you don't see him ever again, yet you say you'd like to talk about how things went down one day?

 

I'm just throwing that out there. Just as an observer. Outsider looking in. Just be careful not to suppress the healing to make it feel like you're further along than you really are!

[Mizz]

Ahh I know, I haven't cried in a couple weeks now though, I don't hold things in. I honestly don't look at him the same way. Just sometimes I am confused of how to handle things.

I never had been in a situation like this before. I take other people's opinions and experience into account and try to apply it to my situation. All situations/circumstances are different though. Then I have my own feelings too, not for him any longer in THAT way, but feelings for what's best since now things are and pretty much have been on "good" terms.

 

I know moving on is best either way. I try not to get any false hope. I know if he wanted to talk he'd make an effort. There hasn't been much effort on his part and I can't keep trying or bother even if it is on friendlier circumstances now. So I have been attempting to see what happens but not getting worked up about anything either way.

[tomato]

There’s a NC thread, but what about those of us who have talked to an ex again or are talking? appens.

 

I think its a good idea. This is supposed to be the "getting back together sub forum - so those that think this isn't needed can go and mumble in the healing one. I say its more natural to talk to an ex once your not stupidly emotional and hurt in some cases. Its like a family member - you come back to talking to them even after you had a fallout. If you want reconciliation I think talking rather than NC is the way after some time has passed - eg 6 months seems long enough in some cases. In many ways its a new relationship - look forward to reading.

 

in my case I was talking to her again everything was ok....then I put too much effort in about 5 weeks ago.... showed some weakness, showed I might still be open to things and talked about the past ---- then she just stopped replying to texts - its been more than 3 weeks now NC... no movement on either side..I suppose I am thinking about initiating very softly - maybe just an email to mention something of hers is still around my place or just something BTW etc....aby ideas how to initiate? I am totally over it all really...seeing other people and doing lots to change - - I know I could fully keep my composure and there wouldn't be any issues - as there were none when we were talking before

[Mizz]

That's how I see it too tomato. Everyone heals in different times, some might see it as pointless to talk to an ex or never wish to, but some individuals don't mind talking to an ex after some time. So hence this thread.

 

For your situation, I can relate to actually. After our break up he had told me "any time you want to talk I'll be there. I am not going anywhere" and maybe something along the lines of how he wanted to be in my life, I don't exactly remember, but he had told me any time I'd want to talk we could. He's the one that ended the relationship, but still didn't mind talking to me (and still doesn't) and which I have no problem talking to him either. it's fairly comfortable at least now.

 

First after the BU I didn't talk to him. I didn't text him, call him, post anything on FB. I stayed away. I was pretty upset at the time. He called me 4 days after the BU. It was a confusing conversation that left me sad all over again because I was still confused at the time of what happened/why. But then a few days went by and I texted him. He replied within the same minute. We sent a few messages. It started out nice and I was wishing him well, then I couldn't help myself and just made the mistake of bringing up how I was still confused then he repeated his reasoning for it ending and I got sort of frustrated at that point. My last message that time was about how I'd be fine with out him. How he had made me feel bad anyway. How I'll be happy either way. He didn't reply after that. I deleted him from my phone after that and then from facebook as well. I started really reflecting on things after that. After accepting it was over, seeing what had been wrong in our relationship, some time later after that I contacted him again, this time casually, calmly, being friendly. I told him why I had deleted him from facebook, how it wasn't to be mean and that I needed to heal. How I was fine, happy again, and had time to think in the couple weeks we hadn't talked and that I accepted everything and that I just wanted things to be on good terms between us again and there to be no hard feelings about anything. He had told me he stopped replying that time because he didn't really know what to say, that he couldn't reply to it but that he was glad I was happy again and that he wanted things to be on good terms too, he was understanding. I also remember asking him once why he hadn't really talked to me much since the BU and he told me he did say I could talk to him if I wanted to but he didn't really initiate contact after the BU because he didn't want me to feel awkward, he wanted to give me time to myself to think. I told him I wouldn't have felt awkward if he had tried talking to me. (but in a way I was glad for the space because it did give me time to evaluate everything). I then told him to send me a request again on facebook, which the next day he did. I re-added him and since things have been friendly between us. Little conversations here and there but at least it's not really awkward or bitter, just neutral, like friends would be.

 

For you, I'd say if you initiated contact again, try explaining how you want things to be on good terms, no hard feelings, how you've had time to think about everything and accept that it's over and that you're happy now. Tell her how any time she'd want to talk she can feel free to text you or call you.

 

It tells her you are over things yet gives her the option to reach out to you when she might feel comfortable. Though it's not a sure thing that she'd reply. Just prepare for whatever may happen.

 

 

----------------------

 

This will all sounds juvenile but I ignored his "poke" today on facebook, which he later liked a video I posted of my dog. Then I had commented on his status and he replied a couple of times. So my ex and I talked a bit tonight on one of his statuses. It wasn’t like a real conversation though, I don't know how to perceive it as, but it was just stupid/silly like we always had talked. I don't know if it could be considered as flirting but a good amount of it was related to how I'm always cold, how he's always warm, inside jokes.

 

This conversation will seem like the lamest/most pointless thing ever to you guys but I’ll post it anyway for the sake of the thread haha:

 

His status I wish it was cold everywhere all the time 

 

Me Nooooo, warm.

(he liked the comment)

 

Him you under estimate the power of the cold !

 

Me: No, the dark side.... Where it's warm here >

 

Him no the darkside is cold lol it has to be because i love cold!

 

Me MEEP, no D: it has to be warm because I'm always cold and I love warm.

 

Him awww well we can have a warm darkside then lol even though i like cold lol

(I liked the comment)

 

Me YAY! I like warm ^_^ Unless half was cold and the other half was warm. I just can't imagine it being cold, I just imagine it being like 8594048302 degrees because it's all evil and sithy (that's not a word but now it is)

 

Him sithy is a word lol george lucas would aprove lol. and well i can have an AC lol

 

Me: He better it's a nice adjective XD. Ok, then you can have an AC, as long as I can get a heat lamp lol

 

Him lol aww you need your manditory warm lol

 

Me I do! Anything warm is mine. Just like your mandatory cold lol.

 

Him: yesh i need a northrend lol. and you need a warm warm XD and im sleepy i gota go into my 8 hour slumber lol

 

Me Northrend? Like in WoW? lol. YES I like warm warms. The puff needs warm D: lol. XD You should sleep then.

 

I think he's just being friendly when he replies to me, and nothing more than that. But it's odd sometimes cause the conversations now will have inside jokes and a couple times had pet names or "baby" a few times in previous conversations. It's probably just due to it being a habit though. I still don't know if he'd ever actually care to some time text me first some time. But I figured he hasn’t really since things have been on better terms because 1) there’s no need/obligation to and 2) it’s not like we are together anymore anyway 3) What would we even talk about? 4) he had said before he was never big on texting. Even when we were dating and would text frequently, he only would at the time cause he knew I liked to, so since we aren’t together, yeah haha.

 

It’s just sort of weirdly interesting sometimes.

 

At the end of the conversation tonight he said "im sleepy i gota go into my 8 hour slumber lol" and he just awkwardly left it at that. I replied after that a few mins later but he had left. The last couple times we had talked before that he'd at least wait for me to reply or say good night. Now the last 2 times we had talked he just sort of leaves. Which is different, but he has no obligation to say "good night" or really talk to me at all, just like I have no obligation to say anything to him. It just seemed odd to me but I obviously know things are different.

 

I’m not going to bring up “hey you don’t say good night anymore?” because again there’s no obligation to, we aren’t dating so there’s no real point to. If he says he’s leaving to go somewhere/sleep then that’s just it. Plus if I brought it up he might just feel like I’m nagging him or he’d get discouraged, it’d probably be totally unappealing to him and could push him away.

 

Though any other time if I brought up if something made me feel “bad” he’d kinda try to reassure me/be nice about it. Even if I didn’t directly say anything if he thought I’d feel bad he’d try to be nice about it. But I don’t want to do that now, not saying “good night” isn’t that big of a deal and plus I am just trying to keep things as positive as they can be.

 

I figure since one of the last times we talked I had told him “if you ever want to meet up some time face to face and talk about what happened, we can” and he said “sure! we can sometime, I’d like that Jackie I want to give you back your things anyway. Any time you want to” the “things” are all the gifts he had given me when dating that I returned to him in a box. 4 times he’s brought up how he kept my things and how he wants me to have the stuff back. But I told him that he could be the one to ask and when he would want to then we could. I know if I asked him to meet up he would see me. But I gave him the option, since he’s the one that ended it (cause I don’t want to talk potentially too soon, he might just still be stubborn or have feelings to sort out and not hear me from an understanding mindset and be open to what I have to say). So when he’d be ready to meet up we could talk about everything. Otherwise our conversations have been nice/friendly. I figure if they remain friendly he’d feel more comfortable at some point talking to me more/openly too.

[e30fan]

mizz:

 

i also feel like you're looking too far into these conversations. (which are happening too frequently if you plan on "moving on" which you've stated is your desired goal) i know how confusing these times are for you but keeping in contact with someone you care so deeply about who is emotionally unavailable to you will only prolong your healing. what's going to happen when he meets a girl or posts pics of himself and his friends hanging out with girls you don't know?

 

NC hurts, but it's the best move you can make to truly get yourself back on your feet.

 

 

 

p.s. if that's you in your pic you should have no problems whatsoever meeting new interesting guys!

[Streetbob]

Tomato:

 

Did you post something similar on another forum?

 

I am interested in this also as I intend to do something similar with the ex.

I was in 2 months NC and then tested the waters. She responded well but I realised that emotionally I wasn't ready to pick up the reigns.

I want to look at it this way: I will be emotionally detached, I have been "spinning plates" and I would like to have her as either a friend with the potential to be something more.

6 months minimum, I would have thought before you can get into that mindset - if not more.

 

I would think that building from sending an email would be the way to go. Keeping it lite and seeing how it goes - culminating in meeting for a coffee.

 

I would be interested in ideas on this.

 

SB

[Mizz]

mizz:

 

i also feel like you're looking too far into these conversations. (which are happening too frequently if you plan on "moving on" which you've stated is your desired goal) i know how confusing these times are for you but keeping in contact with someone you care so deeply about who is emotionally unavailable to you will only prolong your healing. what's going to happen when he meets a girl or posts pics of himself and his friends hanging out with girls you don't know?

 

NC hurts, but it's the best move you can make to truly get yourself back on your feet.

 

 

 

p.s. if that's you in your pic you should have no problems whatsoever meeting new interesting guys!

 

I analyze everything, but I know I can't look too far into things. I just try to always gain perspective on things that happen. But I have accepted it's over though, for quite some time. I understand how things didn't work out in the relationship. Even I didn't think things between us were going well lately with him before it ended. I appreciate suggesting NC but I don't feel emotionally any different talking to him than I do when I don't because I don't feel "that" way about him anymore. He's liked some girls' photos since, and commented on some of their pages, "friendly" seemingly, I don't know if he's talking to other girls or not but it's none of my business anyway and since we aren't together it doesn't matter. Talking to him doesn't make me excited, or nervous. We just talk briefly sometimes and it's like talking to a friend, no serious attachment in a "loving" or "I need him!" way because I know it's just over and things are different now, but on friendlier/neutral terms. So I don't mind if we talk, one day he might just ignore me altogether, who knows. But I wouldn't mind. I am just seeing how things go. I call it "proceeding with caution".

 

That is myself in my picture, and thank you!

[Donovan79]

Mizz, from a few of your other posts recently I'm not sure that you're being honest here nor with yourself about what you really want. That you're keeping him friends on Facebook and watching who he likes and talks to is a big sign. Consciously or subconsciously I think you're still finding it pretty hard to let go. If you want him back, it may be possible, if you don't, you need to think harder about how healthy it is to not cut ties. Your continued insistence of "it's okay to keep ties to him and keep stalking him on facebook and talking to him often because I don't feel anything" is fine if you really don't feel anything. But I don't think you know what you feel.

[Mizz]

I am not watching anything he does, it'll come up in the news feed sometimes though. Otherwise I don't "look" directly. I don't stalk him. You don't know how I actually feel or what's really in my mind it's one thing to attempt to type things but no one can tell me how I feel or how I don't, other than trying to analyze through what I type.

 

I know I don't have feelings for him in that way anymore. I am not in denial, it's really how I feel. The few times I had talked to him since the BU it's just been friendly conversation, I don't feel nervous or super happy or anything of that matter it's as if it's just talking to someone I know/a friend. I don't go on facebook just to look at what he does, if I happen to see it pop up then I'd see it, but I don't go on his page or directly look for what he's up to. He mentioned some time we could meet up to talk about what happened and maybe some day we would. I don't anticipate it though, stare at my phone wondering, or "hope" for anything. We don't talk often, if anything it's brief and seemingly every few days, it's not much of anything really.

[Donovan79]

I am not in denial

 

Okay. Though this is what people in denial say.

 

I have no idea what you really feel, no one here does. But you do post a lot about a guy you claim to feel nothing for. You know who doesn't post here about guys they feel nothing for? Every girl in the world who actually feels nothing for a guy. Not trying to be a d#%*, I just wonder if you're not more hurt than you realize, and if that won't come back to bite you later on.

[Mizz]

Ok, well If I was still "healing" I'd be in the "healing after a break up" sub-forum.

 

I knew this thread would get criticism, or people saying “That’s a bad idea! Move on! Why bother?”. I know how I feel though. And this thread is not meant for people saying "GO NC! You're in denial".

 

I don't feel the same about him, in "that" way, yet some people on here won’t believe it, but that’s their own opinions. But no one can tell me how I feel, only I know how I feel. I know what I feel is not "love" for him or some fiery desire to get back together, I'm not hopelessly waiting for anything, just to keep things on friendlier terms and seeing what happens. Ultimately I just want to talk face to face about it/what happened some time. He was also comfortable with talking about it all sometime too. If he's stubborn and says "I was just not ready. I can't be with anyone, blah blah sorry" then I'll just figure "hey, well at least I got to say what I had to regarding why it ended and how it didn't work out". If he wants to remain friendly or has an open mind about what I say/new perspective then I'd try and see where it goes. But in regards to how I feel I am not confused cause I didn't even anticipate getting back together anyway, even if HE wanted to I’ve said before how he'd really have to show it and make an effort. But I don’t see that happening anyway, it’s just neutral. I can be confused of how to handle things sometimes, but not on my feelings towards him.

[KronicMan]

i dunno how anyone can handle talking to an ex, or pretend everythings ok...ive done it before...it ususally ends bad...good luck though