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[strawberrygirl]

I could use some advise.

 

Long story short. My ex bf and I broke up 9 months ago (we went out for over a year and a half). We live in a small community only about 1/2 mile apart from one another. I've tried NC to the best of my ability but it's so hard because we have so many great mutual friends. My friends are always doing great things together and they are very dear to me. The down side is my ex is a part of that group so I see him around. As a result, we've been doing a little (not often) back and forth stuff for 9 months. We had an amazing relationship, he told me over and over that I have everything he could ever want. I really believed that our relationship was everything one could ever want. But when things got ultimately serious, he freaked out about long term committment (though I never brought it up or pushed. He put the pressure on himself). So I pulled back and we broke up because I felt that he needed to figure out what he wanted.

 

I have on many occasions stayed away from our friends knowing that he'd be there but that is so hard and painful. And lonely. A double whammy - not only have I lost him (which has been excruciating), but some close friends as well. I have also been around the group when he's there and that's painful as well, and on occasion it leads me to doing things I know I shouldn't do.

 

At thins point, when I see him I act casual, try to have fun, be confident, and just be part of the group. I want him to see that I'd doing well and am happy. Which is what he sees. But in reality this is really hard and feelings come rushing back and I get vulnerable. I can tell he still cares a great deal and misses me (he tells me), but he is still riding that fence. Am I making things too easy for him by being around? Does this evoke a continued sense of comfort for him or a sense of longing?

 

I'm stuck. Any advice on how to go about this?

[trishcollins]

That is a really tough situation. Fortunately, my current "ex" lives at the other side of town and we have no common friends or hangouts, so I never have to deal with him at all.

 

However, my "ex" from 7 years ago, was a co-worker and we had many mutual friends and I found it very hard to be around him. In my case, he had no intention of ever coming back, but I still found it hard to put on a smile and act cool when he was at the same function, or worse, in the same business meeting. Anyway, I ended up quitting my job and getting some distance, which in the end finally helped me get over it.

 

In your case, it's a tough call. You certainly need to do what feels right for you, and that includes going out with friends. I think the way you are handling it is great, because I know how hard it is. If he is still undecided, it might be best to just continue on the way you have been. No sudden changes of behaviour, to alert him of a possible change of heart on your part. Focus on you and what feels right for you. If he sees you together and getting on with your life, he may realize he doesn't want to see you move on without him, and make a decision. If he sees that you are still "hanging on", that gives him the excuse to take his time making a decision. Sometimes people need a jolt of reality before they will move forward.

 

Good luck and remember, concentrate on yourself.

[strawberrygirl]

thanks for your input Trish. It is helpful and I appreciate you taking the time. I guess I can just keep going as I am until something doesn't feel right anymore. A close friend of mine once told me "if you don't know what to do, do nothing at all. eventually you will know". i guess i'm looking for "the answer" and unfortunately I don't know that there is one.