Random thoughts

[Heidern]

It's been 9 months since the BU happened. I'm not really counting, kinda had to use my fingers to figure out it's been that long. I'm functional once again, thankfully. I can go to work, have a good time with my friends, and enjoy the smaller things in life once again. Life is good right?

 

She's still there.

 

The good memories, the lies, her beautiful face, images of her with the replacement, her amazing smile, her senseless nagging.

 

It's all there.

 

All these great new things happening in my life are coming in packages wrapped with images of her being happy in a place where I no longer exist.

 

She's moved on, I am moving on. Why do I still feel like there's still some sort of connection between us? Can she feel it?

 

I've accepted that she's out of my life. I see better options out there, and now I have all the time in the world to get better and pursue something else. The possibilities are just endless!

 

Yet here I am, trying to figure out why it is that my heart isn't keeping up with my brain. It's over, just let it go for good. I'm fine the way I am now. I don't need her. It's almost as though this bastard of a heart is keeping these feelings on life support.

 

Why is my heart trying to play tricks on me?

 

I'm done with the self-blaming cycles. I screwed up many different ways, but don't we all? No one's perfect, even her.

 

But this stupid heart sees no wrong in her...

 

She lied to me, watched me as I suffered for months prior and after the BU, made fun of me for being jealous over the new guy while we were together, kept me as an option when I had her as my everything (though I must admit I wasn't very good at showing this the way women want to see it). I don't want her back.

 

Why is it that there's still a connection?

 

It's almost as though as she moved on too quickly, like she absorbed all the pain over the course of several months and never saw reason to look back and give it another shot. Did she really find something better?

 

What's the point of committing to a serious relationship anyway? This commitment starts off a feeling that is by its very own nature temporary. Your mind and body start getting comfortable with the idea of spending time with that person, at which point all is good. Then you reach a stage where the novelty wears off and you must work together to get things moving forward. Perhaps you are one of the few mature people who can control your urges and thoughts to the point where you may feel attraction towards member of the opposite sex, but you choose to not act on that impulse.

 

Yet how do you know your partner is willing to do the same for you?

 

Relationships are extremely fragile, especially when they involve an immature individual. All it takes for a relationship to fail is one immature person and series of unfortunate, unpredictable events. The notion that there's always something better out there is THE escape for immature people. It's never about you and your feelings, it's always about them. They will come up with all sorts of excuses to jump out of the relationship and move on to the next cycle.

 

The truth is that there is always going to be something more interesting out there. Old can't compete with new, that's just the way things go. In my mind, you can always find enough reasons to leave someone and move on to something else. Time reveals character flaws and the unknown is always more exciting than that. Who wants to spend time fixing problems when you can go after something that could give you all the temporary happiness you need? Do people just get married because they get too old and too tired to keep the pursuit going?

 

My heart chooses to find ways to stick with the old and believes this girl is worth it all.

 

I've been hit by the very uncomfortable realization that happiness comes from within. In theory I've always known this, the same way I always knew that loving someone unconditionally is a huge gamble. Using this realization as a premise, the addition of two happy individuals should result in a similarly happy couple, yet in reality things don't usually turn out that way. People are complicated beings driven by complex emotions. One day you may be fine and be perfectly fine with what you have and then the next day find something that rocks your world. What is it that makes you believe you are so special, that you will find someone who is going to stick it out with you through good and bad while denying themselves of every new exciting opportunity that comes their way?

 

I made the mistake of believing I was strong enough to enter the world of romantic relationships. I was happy on my own before I got started, but I can't say my foundation was strong enough to support the unavoidable demise of my first relationship. Had I been as strong as my ex I would probably be 100% healed by now. Because she must be done, right?

 

*sighs*

 

Any heart surgeons out there? I need to get the stupid out my heart ASAP.